Читать книгу The Rules for Marriage - Ellen Fein - Страница 5

Ideally, The Rules for Marriage begin before your wedding day. We believe once you get engaged, a wedding date should be set – no endless engagements. When a man proposes, it should be with a ring and a wedding date within one year, no longer, unless you are young (under 25 years old), in which case a two-year engagement is fine. If your fiancé is stalling on a wedding date, you may have to give him back the ring and move on.

Assuming you have a ring and a wedding date, what are the rules for the engagement period and wedding?

Every month we receive calls, letters and e-mails saying, ‘Thanks. I’m so happy!’ But we also get letters like this one: ‘Now that I’m engaged, we’re arguing all the time. I feel him pulling back. I’m acting needy. What should I do?’ Or like this one: ‘How often should I see him now that I’m engaged? Do I stick to the three-day-a-week rule and 10-minute phone calls?’

These concerns are fairly common. The dynamics of a relationship can change dramatically when you go from dating to being engaged and planning a wedding. It is tempting to change your behaviour – to call him all the time, to lose interest in yourself, your work, your friends and just about everything else – because, after all, you are practically married. All of a sudden, you think The Rules are over.

This is a mistake. A man may get overwhelmed if he suddenly sees and/or hears from you morning, noon and night. It’s not like he’s going to break the engagement, but he starts to miss his freedom and wants space (going out with his mates, working late etc.) and then you get hurt.

If you continue to do The Rules, this will not happen. We don’t recommend living together, as we said in The Rules, but if you are and you are planning the wedding together, continue to be ‘a creature unlike any other’ (confident, easy-going), remain focused on making your life full and meaningful, and try not to nag him about the wedding plans or anything else.

However, the initial rigid rules of catching a husband no longer apply. He’s already pursued you, told you he loves you and wants to marry you. You’re a couple now, so you can relax in the knowledge that you don’t need to stick to the original ‘Don’t see him more than three times a week or talk for more than 10 minutes on the phone’ rules. You will be seeing him more often since you are planning the wedding and your future, or even living together. Obviously, you will need to speak to him to discuss things. Now comes the tough part… It’s how you conduct yourself – you’re calm, fun, pleasant, you still have your own life, you’re not suddenly demanding or clingy – that will make all the difference between a happy engagement and a stressful one. He enjoys simply being with you. You don’t have to be a constant challenge. You can call him at work more often than when you were dating. Just try to make sure the calls are quick and to the point – e.g. ‘Hi love, the flowers are in, my fitting is Tuesday, talk to you later, love you …’ – not an excuse to speak to him or to have marathon discussions.

Now, about the wedding.

Most women can get pretty hysterical while planning their wedding – there are so many details to worry about, so much pressure for it to go smoothly, so many opinions from family, friends and relatives. Try to keep your sanity. If you act like a diva or a perfectionist, you will make everyone around you crazy, including your fiancé. Relax! This is a good time to go inward, to not let Hollywood images of a perfect wedding distract you from the meaning of it all. You will soon be marrying the man of your dreams. Try to remember that the wedding is just one day of your life, not a motion-picture production. So what if the flowers are more lilac than pink? So what if the photographer you really wanted is booked and you have to go with your second (or third) choice? Are you going to let this ruin your big day?

We all know women who made themselves nervous wrecks over their wedding plans and hardly even enjoyed their big day. Of course, they all regretted it. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t let family and friends make you crazy about the seating arrangements. Don’t lose sleep worrying if the buffet is big enough, if guests are going to starve or complain about the food. Nobody’s ever starved at a wedding, and what people think of the buffet is not that important. There will always be critics who think that there could have been more hot dishes or that the band was too loud. Do the best you can. You can’t please everyone. This is a valuable lesson to learn as you plan the wedding, and it will come in handy when you are married, too. Do your best and then let it go! Make yourself happy.

How involved your fiancé is in the wedding plans is also not something you can or should try to control. There are some who refuse to be left out of anything. This type will not be satisfied with interviewing one or two caterers or bands or photographers, he will want to see the half dozen who are the cream of the crop. He will agonize over picking the perfect wedding song and even take an interest in the floral arrangements. He wants it to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience because he doesn’t plan to get married again. He will be the same about the honeymoon, calling the best hotels for the honeymoon suites (which could probably accommodate a party of six) on a high floor with elegant views. He will make dinner reservations for the most intimate corner tables at the finest restaurants. Money will be no object, even if he doesn’t have much.

Be thrilled if your fiancé shows this much interest. Go along with his enthusiasm even if you’re not as into it as he is. Some brides are not as fortunate …

If your fiancé shows little or no interest in wedding plans, he thinks it’s a woman’s thing and goes along with ‘whatever’ – just as happy to exchange vows with just your immediate families and a few close friends in attendance and a vase of flowers in his studio flat – do not force him to get involved. Don’t analyse his indifference or nag him to be more involved, just accept that some men are simply not interested in the intricacies of a wedding, even their own. They will show up at the altar, but that’s about it. If this is the case, plan the wedding with your bridesmaids, family and friends.

As for disagreements, try to take them in your stride. Suppose you and your fiancé have different ideas about the size of the wedding? You want a big do, he wants a small one. You want a band, he wants a DJ. You want to hire a professional photographer, he wants to ask his friend Joe to take snapshots … you get the idea! Don’t throw tantrums, act like a diva and insist on having your way. Maybe a small wedding isn’t such a bad idea, especially if he’s trying to save money for buying a house and starting a family. Whatever his reasons, we think it’s important to listen and consider his point of view. Don’t impose your fairytale images of a lavish Cinderella wedding on him. Cut him some slack – he pursued you, proposed, bought you a ring and has made a commitment to spend the rest of his life with you. If you demand a big expensive wedding and he’s not into it, neither of you will be happy. Besides, bickering a lot before the wedding is not a fun way to walk down the aisle!