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Values are the ideas that are important to us. Freedom to express ourselves is an example of a value. Knowing our values helps us understand our behaviors. As such, understanding our partner's values can help predict their actions. It is very beneficial to consider our partners values prior to entering a marriage/long-term relationship. Let's take a look at a financial, emotional and spiritual example of using values to assist in the decision making process.

Purchasing Power

William and Stacy agree to purchase a larger home. William would like to work extra hours to assist with the down payment. But Stacy believes working extra hours will cause too much stress and hinder family time. Stacey’s solution is that William waits for a job promotion. William asserts he will only work extra hours during the weekdays. But Stacy does not want to be the primary caretaker for the house all week and she doesn't believe William will fulfill his responsibilities on the weekend if he is tired. What should William and Stacy do?

Let's take a look at their values. It appears William values hard work and short term planning, Whereas, Stacy values practicality and time. Fortunately, a decision can be made despite their reservations and differences.

Coaching Commentary

I recommend assessing whether or not each strategy leads to accomplishing the goal. Their values can be used to assist with the assessment. In this instance, William strongly values hard work and upward mobility. Their goal is to purchase a new home and he will work hard for it. He also agrees to balance his time in order to be emotionally and physically available for the family. Thus, Stacey should consider giving her blessing and believe William will uphold his end of the bargain. In doing so, William feels trusted and if he holds his end of the bargain, their dream home will be purchased.

However, it may be best to try Stacey's approach if either of them discovers the stress is too much. Keep in mind it is not unrealistic if William does not consent to Stacy's idea. Most of us have difficulty letting go of our way of doing things. But someone has to "win" right? In either case, William or Stacey may end up resenting the "winner.” For Stacey, William's plan will be categorized as the time he did not cooperate. I propose a more proactive way of thinking, where Stacy categorizes the situation as the time William sacrificed his time to satisfy a family goal. Ideally, William will note Stacey’s willingness to "lose" in this decision and let her win another time. After all, Stacey’s values would not be compromised and she would acknowledge her way of thinking is based on “what if’s.” I know many readers are thinking Stacey’s “what ifs” may be based on past experiences. Keep in mind part of the challenge is allowing each person a chance to redeem themselves each and every time there is an opportunity.

The important factor is to always have a plan B should someone break an agreement. Some people believe incorporating a plan B demonstrates a total lack of trust. There is a saying, “if the shoe fits, wear it.” The reliable spouse needs to lovingly inform the irresponsible mate of the need to come up with an agreed upon plan B should any mishaps occur (intentionally or unintentionally). To be fair, both parties can implement plan B’s regardless of the decision maker as unexpected events can happen at any time.

In the end, William and Stacy's relationship will either take a hit or triumph depending on the chosen approach. In either case, William must not constantly expect Stacy to let him win because she may begin to resent him. Likewise, Stacy must not consistently choose to let William win. Choosing to lose on a regular basis can make her feel unimportant. Stacy may begin to ask herself why William does not love her enough to do things her way sometimes. Feeling devalued will eventually impact the relationship. The key is to focus on the outcome instead of the winner. The following Values List can assist couples in the decision making process.

Values Guide List: Review the list and mark the values which most resonate with you. Sort your list in order of priority. Compare your values with that of your partner. Also, completing the value list for one another is a good exercise to determine if you truly know one another.

You may find most values have little or no significance to you, while others may seem negative to you. Keep in mind this list is a guide. It contains many synonyms and it is definitely not exhaustive. Please feel free to add unlisted values to your own list. You and your partner may need to make sure the words have the same meaning to each other in order to understand its significance in your relationship.

Optimism	Leadership
Excellence	Compassion
Cleanliness	Commitment
Consistency	Confidence
Trust	Ambition
Courage	Discipline
Education	Family
Health	Honor
Independence	Intimacy
Power	Wisdom
Respect	Security
Sacrifice	Structure