Читать книгу The 12 Secrets of Highly Successful Women - Gail McMeekin - Страница 29

“When one woman honors who she is, all women collectively move closer to becoming what they are capable of being.”

—Unknown

In order to be highly successful women, we have to treat ourselves with complete and total respect. Let me say that again—complete and total respect. Too many women underachieve, or play too small (when that's not what they choose), don't get paid what they are worth, belittle themselves, and walk around feeling wounded. Even women who are deemed successful can frequently be caught thinking that they are neither gifted nor special. While we have made great strides in many areas, this self-esteem injury that women have to deal with dashes too many hopes and dreams.

We want to be able to share our authentic selves in our creative work and in our lives. Step number one is to dismantle the limiting beliefs that we carry around that have been indoctrinated into our psyche. I have been amazed at how many of my individual clients, as well as the folks in my Out on a Limb Club groups, Creative Courage Catalyst groups, and Creative Success and Positive Choices workshops, have been haunted and daunted by myths. These axioms of “how life should be lived” have a range of origins—family, friends, colleagues, social theory, outdated norms from the past, old stereotypes about men and women, internal demons, or the projection of other people's fears. All of these myths and distortions eclipse your ability to claim the life that you are uniquely meant to live.

Common myths seem to be:

1 Your perfect job or career path will hit you like an epiphany at an early age (or else you are a lost soul).

2 You don't have the right to save your sanity and your health by leaving a horrible job, marriage, partnership, or business.

3 You need to underachieve or play “small” in your life so that your friends and family members (or their ghosts) will not be depressed or threatened by your talent and your success.

4 You have to do more than feels reasonable for you in order to achieve your goals and be recognized.

5 It is not okay if you don't know what your next step is (you need to be in control and have everything together at all times).

6 You will never recover from getting fired or divorced or rejected by anyone.

7 You can never fail at anything and, if you do, you should hide it.

8 Whatever the truth about your personal, creative work style, it can't be right, so you can't honor it.

9 You have to do things perfectly the first time, which denies that creativity is a process of experimentation and discovery.

10 If you can't be absolutely brilliant or the best at something early on, it's better to quit than to allow yourself to learn how to do it—skill by skill.

11 Criticism by anyone makes you lose your power.

Pay attention to which of these myths are operating in your life and undermining your personal power. You can't be the great businesswoman or professional that you are meant to be if you are afraid of making others feel insecure. Reclaim your own destiny. If you are miserable in any area of your life, choose a more positive direction. If you are afraid to confront the early stages of professional growth, tap into your beginner's mind and give yourself permission to learn the basics. Develop your own list of guiding principles that honor the human spirit, the imperfections of life, and the challenges of fear and change.

Women who are successful can get slammed—and it stings. But it comes with the territory. Ali Brown is a marketing whiz, runs $100K coaching programs and multiple businesses, and has a big vision to empower women to run viable and profitable businesses worldwide that make a difference. She is a generous and strong woman, but when I asked her about criticism, Ali said, “It hurts, though, because as women, we are so sensitive. One thing that comes from success that is nonnegotiable is that you have to accept the fact that not everyone will like you and you may even, in some cases, be detested by some people. This is just a sad, dark side that comes with success and it's such a minor part compared to all the joy, power, excitement, and happy benefits. People look at me and they think, ‘She's fearless. She's got tough skin. Look at her go.’ And then some little thing will happen or some woman will write something and I will just break down in tears.”

After Shine (her annual women's business conference), some woman wrote Ali a lengthy letter saying that it was an insult to the audience that Ali looked so good on stage. The writer said “You've obviously been working out, you had beautiful clothes on, and it made me feel like I should be doing more than walking the dog.” “Can you believe that?” Ali said. Ali said she cried, not only because it was an “ouch” but because during the whole time at Shine she was saying that you should do what's good for you. She told the women in the audience to shine their own light. That was the whole point. What made her sad is what women will do to each other.

Ali went on to say, “You know that's going to happen sometimes, and that it's going to hurt. It's more because of the bigger picture, that women sometimes do that to each other. It's the tall poppy syndrome. What frightens me? I think (and I'm happy to share this), that I am single. I have not had good, strong relationships, and I think that the last missing piece for me is the right guy. I remember seeing the cover of People or InTouch or something, and on the cover were Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, and another beautiful actress, I think it was Oprah, and the title said, ‘Rich, beautiful, and alone.’ And I thought ‘ooh, ouch.’ Deep down I wonder, am I going to be single forever? I know I'm not, but that's a fear for me. What if I never meet the right guy? I have a good feeling that he's coming soon. In the meantime, I just need to stay positive and open, because if I close myself off, that's not going to help. So I just have fun, and I know that I'll attract the right guy at the right time, whatever God has planned.”

When I talked with Shama Kabani about her new book, The Zen of Social Marketing, some guy had just written a terrible review of the book on Amazon. This reviewer accused Shama of having made up all forty of her five star reviews, because no book could possibly have that many perfect reviews. Shama says, “I think a lot of entrepreneurs face this. Ten people can validate what you are doing, but if one person says, ‘I don't think so,’ that critical person can have more impact than your ten strongest supporters.”

JJ Virgin, author of Six Weeks to Sleeveless and Sexy, had someone write a mean Amazon review about her book that brought her rating down from 5 stars to 4.5 stars. JJ says, “I know as I get bigger and bigger this will happen more; it happened when I was on the Dr. Phil show regularly, and I know it happens with TLC, too. There will always be people who will be critical of you. I mean, my gosh, there is a website called ‘I Hate Rachael Ray.’ How could anyone hate Rachael Ray? It would be like hating Katie Couric. There are always going to be people out there who are going to call you a freak or a quack or whatever. You've heard the saying, ‘well-behaved women do not make history.’ You have to be controversial. If you start giving everyone vanilla ice cream, who cares? They've already got it. So if you really want to get out there, you can't be saying the same old stuff.”

Pat Schroder was certainly controversial during her days in Congress, and I remember always seeing her on TV and in the papers back then. Pat was the Democratic member of the United States House of Representatives from Colorado from 1973–1997 and then went on to become the CEO and President of the Association of American Publishers for eleven years. As Pat says about her days in Congress, “I was always so high profile. I kept warning myself to engage my brain before starting to speak, but there were some days that I didn't quite follow my own advice. I would end up on the front page of the paper for something I said and my mother would say, ‘I can't believe you said that.’ The classic that almost put my mother over the edge was when about the fiftieth person said to me, ‘how can you be a mother and a congresswoman?’ And I finally lost it and I said, ‘I have a brain, I have a uterus, and they both work, next question.’ You know, of course, I have had to eat those words forever. I often got in trouble that way.”

Pat talked about how she worked hard for programs for the people, especially women, children, daycare, and veterans, and that the guys in Congress and the press would just roll their eyes when she brought up these topics. As she says, “They really should be issues for both men and women and yet, somehow in our culture, they're not. I used to always say to the guys when they'd say, ‘Oh there you go again,’ I'd say, ‘Well look, if you want to bring it up, fine, I've got all the talking points right here. I understand their hesitation because they never had anybody in Congress talking about family issues. They felt those were kind of girly man issues or power issues. I don't know what they wanted me to talk about, but it was always a constant struggle that way. But I think, to be honest, that women find this in the workplace all the time.”

We need to free ourselves from the limitations in our minds and support ourselves and other humans in the quest for fulfillment. Exploding these myths and having the courage to craft your own path mandates support. Whatever personal challenges you may face, you increase your likelihood of success if you admit you need support systems to stay focused and brave. More about that later.

The world is changing so quickly that it has us all reeling. Everything is changing in terms of how we work, how we communicate, how we spend time (or not) with people we love, having multiple careers and not retiring, and so on. It is a lot to absorb and can put extra stress on us. Change is constant, we know, but we are living in a time of radical changes—and that can be unnerving.

I mentioned earlier that Victoria Moran moved herself and her family to NYC because that's where writers live and thrive. She is a popular speaker, and she speaks all over the country. She has a radio show and takes a special interest in spirituality and health. She also writes about being a vegan, and she knows every good vegan restaurant in the city. Anyway, she is a sassy woman who has been independently self-employed for many moons. When I asked her what she still feared, she said “financial insecurity.” When I asked her more about that, as she has clearly been successful as a writer plus other things, she said, “I have been preparing for the idea that old writers don't retire, they just die. But now, writers young and old are having a lot of trouble getting paid. I mean, the magazine work I used to do is largely gone, the Web doesn't pay, and opportunities for speaking have been depressed for a couple of years. The need for revolutionary reinvention in order to be financially viable is a big challenge. But I look around my life and I think, ‘Oh my, this is amazing. And I think the most important thing about feeling good that is to keep that overall sense and not let what goes on in any particular day shake that.”

Victoria wants to do more with TV, radio, and as a corporate spokesperson. She is writing a new book she is passionate about called Main Street Vegan: Everything You Need to Know To Eat Healthfully and Live Compassionately in the Real World. She will reroute herself just fine. Anyone who is a writer now needs to pay attention to what is happening with e-books, apps, video, and social media and develop some new strategies. Whatever field you are in, change is happening—things are disappearing and creativity will give you a real edge in the marketplace right now. Think about how you can make or invent something new.

I asked Victoria for her intuitive sense of what is happening out there in the world right now and she replied, “We went to the Museum of American Finance on Wall Street last weekend, which was so interesting. The overarching impression that I left with was how cyclic the economy is. It goes up and down; it always has. I don't understand the fine points of economics, but I do have a very strong belief that we are generally taken care of. I understand that there are people who fall through the cracks, but when I look around at large groups of people—you go to a sporting event or a concert and you're looking at a few thousand people—I want to look around and say, ‘Oh my goodness, these people are all being taken care of!’ And I see the New York City pigeons and the squirrels in Central Park being taken care of and I just keep that in my mind.”

Once you can let go of these outrageous limiting beliefs and embrace a “can-do” attitude, you can move into action mode and make a space in your life to let more of the “real you” emerge and create. In my training classes with creativity coaches, as well as with my regular clients, the question often comes up of how much to reveal about yourself on your website, in your business name, in your artwork, and in your life. Creativity is about personal expression, and our creative efforts should be directed at things we feel called to do and are strongly connected to. Our choices reveal what we value and what we are thinking about.

Authenticity is a key dynamic in relationships and support systems of all kinds. People want to feel that they know who we are and what we are about. When we live a false life, it is tedious and unfulfilling, and can even be dangerous.

Olga Aura is a Master Your Destiny Mentor who empowers women entrepreneurs to unleash their “gold” power in the form of a bestseller, a big event, or even a blockbuster. She calls herself a modern-day shaman. In 1996, Olga's team won an Olympic gold medal in Atlanta for rhythmic gymnastics. She'd come from Ukraine, where she had been training since the age of five. She came to America at age fourteen, and she didn't get back on the bus. Instead, she accepted the invitation from a family in North Carolina to stay in the United States, go to school, and learn English. After finishing high school, Olga went to college. Then the challenges began.

Olga says, “In my freshman year of college, I had an identity crisis that most people encounter in mid-life. I had retired from professional competitive gymnastics, and my body started changing. I gained weight. For women especially, a lot of our identity is woven into our body image—whether you are a gymnast, a businesswoman, or a mother, it doesn't matter. That is just the culture of women. I hit a big depression. Well, I had been depressed for a long, long time—but that's a whole other book and story about Soviet oppression, domestic violence, and alcoholism in my family and how that inevitably propelled me to become a victor and not a victim in life. If I can share one thing with women who are making a difference in the world, it's that most of us don't know how to express our needs, so we suffer silently for too long and then hit a wall and collapse.”

Olga went on to say, “We don't want to burden anyone with our troubles, and I was following that same perilous journey. It's the archetypal heroine's journey for all of us who are highly successful women. You go through the dark forest, you go through the dark night of the soul, and you fight the dragon in the cave. I attempted suicide when I was eighteen. That crisis, I see now, was really a jolt to true spiritual awakening. I overdosed on three big bottles of pain medications, but I didn't actually want to die. What I wanted was to fall asleep and not have to wake up to such a harsh world, where my family in Ukraine still lived on a household income of $100 a month. I wanted to break free from oppression, but I did not know how.

“Historically, women have rebelled against the status quo to the point of hurting themselves in the process—burnout to breakdown. In retrospect, I was to pioneer a new way for all of us. While I was asleep, I had a dream. All the walls and rooms disappeared, and there was just white light as far as I could see, both backward and forward. There was no past, no present, no future—nothing. Those seeking enlightenment would call it an Ego death. And I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, and a voice said, ‘No matter what mistakes you think you have made, the truth about who you are is unchanged.’ I thought, if the truth about who you are is unchanged, then my slate is always clean. So, I figured I may as well dream big and write a brand new awesome story for my life. And that's exactly what I did.”

What happened next is another lesson for us all. Olga asked for help from her university professor, because she still couldn't figure out exactly what she was born to do. She was journaling and trying to put the pieces together. Olga's teacher told her to go to Naropa University in Boulder, Colorado. She had a colleague who taught dance at Naropa and suggested Olga go there because, she said, “it seemed like you are searching for something that is not available here at a Christian college in business management.” Olga went, and it changed her life.

Here are some guidelines to help you tap into your creative self and authenticity in your work and personal life.

1 Write down your top five values right now. Are you engaging with them in your life currently? One of my clients wrote down philanthropy and realized that she was not giving any money away, so she sent a check to The Audubon Society immediately.

2 Look in the mirror. Does your “look” support your tastes and delights? If you love cool colors, are you wearing them? How about your love of teak earrings and capes? Dressing for fun and to express your unique preferences lets people know more about your inner self.

3 If you have a business or career, how are you revealing your true self in your day-to-day work? If you have your own business, are you still doing work you love, or is it time to make some changes? If you work for an employer, are you asking for learning experiences and for new projects that speak to your new interests or to what's hot in your industry? Work is a powerful form of self-expression, and we need to keep looking for opportunities that evolve as we do.

4 How are you spending your time? Are you having the adventures you have dreamed of or are you watching too much TV? Are you seeing friends and family that you dearly love, or are you working all the time? Are you spending the time you want to on your quilting or volunteer work? We all have the same amount of time and we need to try to use it in a way that tells people what kind of person we are.

5 Many of us have been criticized for being ourselves. As we age, we (hopefully) get more comfortable taking risks and expressing our views and feelings to trusted others. Whether we are an artist or sell long-term care insurance, not everyone will like or resonate with our work. That's okay, as long as we are in our truth and telling a story that is meaningful to us. We need to keep some inner armor available to use when we get attacked. We need to stay centered as a creative person so that we can express what fascinates us and learn to care less about what others think.

Becoming ourselves is a lifetime journey with peak moments and pitfalls. Each of us has an original presence on the planet. Share it and celebrate it! We all benefit from being able to get to know the real you.

I wrote a newsletter called “Know Thyself” where I presented a list of healing questions that help us to mend and move on and to be more ourselves in the world. Many people wrote in and thanked me for the questions (which I will share with you) and told me that answering them had been a powerful process for them. I also got an email from a well-known writing teacher who told me that people needed positive inquiries to build their self-worth and that my questions would only bring people down. I'm all for positive, proactive thinking, but in order to heal and learn to completely value ourselves, we need to dig up the dirt so that we can release it.

Therefore, I think this is a good time to ponder some questions. If possible, take a day off and think about yourself and your life. On my recent day off, I got a spa treatment, lounged around, and wrote in my journal. I had some tough decisions to make about my business, as it is growing in new directions, and I have to integrate all of the social media and YouTube videos into my business plan. Personally, I am always working on decluttering my house and my mind, walking every day, spending time with friends and family, and working on new projects like trying out a highly recommended watercolor teacher or developing new ideas to write about. I do need to make a short list, though, not an overwhelming one.

We all have the same amount of time and we need to try to use it in a way that tells people what kind of person we are.

My current Creative Courage Circles are such a great reminder of the power of a support group in helping us take major leaps in our lives and stay focused. You might want to gather one or more like-minded souls together to keep you focused and challenge you to think.

Here are those questions to try to answer or explore:

1 What do you feel most ashamed about and how can you heal it?

2 If you were much braver, what challenges would you tackle this year?

3 What kinds of filters do you need in your life to screen out negative thoughts, people who are “downers,” the media, the Internet, stress overload, and anything else that you need to protect yourself from?

4 What have you been putting off in your life that you want to do/be/have now? How will you make that happen?

5 Have you thought about your legacy lately? How do you want to make a difference?

6 Lastly, what self-imposed limitation do you need to dynamite through and free yourself from?

These are big questions. Give yourself time to ponder them and let the truth be revealed.

Mary Hayden, PhD, is married to a man, John, whom I went to high school with. And John became one of my husband's best friends in college. Mary is a scientist at the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, Colorado. She works on the intersection of climate change, climate variability, and health issues. She travels all over the world and works with communities to help them handle challenging climate and health issues. She has just returned from Uganda, where she had the opportunity to do work on the plague and collaborate with witch doctors there. She was recently in Phoenix trying to better understand people's vulnerability to heat and promote solutions for those folks. She has a dengue fever project in Mexico that is funded by the National Science Foundation and a meningitis project in Ghana that is funded by Google.org.

I asked Mary if she felt successful in the work she was doing, and she said, “It's funny, we talk about this a lot where we work, how in academia you never quite feel like you're good enough and that you can always be just a little bit better. But I'm very happy with the work I do, partially because it is work that reaches out to help other people and also because I can see that it makes a difference in people's lives. I like to remind myself occasionally of what I teach my children all the time: if you are doing the best that you can do, that's it. That's great. You can't do more than that.”

I asked Mary what her biggest fear was and she said, “I think as a parent that you always worry about your kids. It's constant. You think that once they grow up and leave the house, that's going to change. Well, it doesn't change—you still worry about them all the time. I see them every week and I like to hang out with them, but I think my worst fear is that something will happen to one of them and I'm sure John would say the same thing.”

In many management studies, when employees are asked “what is the one thing that you want the most,” they answer that they want positive recognition for their work. Some organizations are very competitive and workaholic, and no matter what you do, the message is that you could have done more and could have done it better. This leads to burnout and disillusionment. As women, we tend to fall into the trap of working harder in hopes that someone will notice and promote us. If we are entrepreneurs, we work harder in hopes that someone will give us key client contacts. We have to decide for ourselves what is “good enough” so that we maintain our personal power.

Chellie Campbell talks about the “100% Club.” She had a history of overachieving and overworking and was always being asked to lead organizations, events, and so on. “Finally,” she says, “I started to take it easier in life. In my 100% Club, I had to be perfect all the time. My email had to be 100 percent perfect and 100 percent of the people I met had to like me and admire me. I'd go to a party with one hundred people and ninety-nine of them would like me. One wouldn't, and I'd follow that one around. It's so silly. So I thought, who are the most successful, famous, loving wonderful people in the world, and do 100 percent of the people in the world always like them? The answer was No. Then I re-prioritized my life.”

Shame is a creativity murderess. Fear is another. We need to deal with our demons in those six questions to free ourselves to create and to feel joyful.

As many of you know, I love Cape Cod and relish the beauty and the solitude of miles of perfect white sand, dunes, and glorious views on the private part of Nauset Beach. I feel blessed every time I visit. I also have some special friends on the Cape whom I enjoy catching up with each season. I had hot chocolate (she had iced coffee) with my friend Gillian Drake recently, and she reminded me of the power of taking risks with our creative interests. Gillian has done numerous ventures on her own, including creating two print magazines, running a publishing company, and renovating a villa in Italy that is now a beautiful rental spot for vacations and retreats. She took one of her print magazines, put it online, and passed it off to a new owner. Nothing seems impossible for her; she just does it. She just embarked on an innovative unique path as a medical intuitive and she is developing tools that can possibly improve our health. Stay tuned.

Shame is a creativity murderess. Fear is another.

Gillian grew up in England at a time when women were not encouraged to go to college, but her brother was allowed to go. She did go to art school and then secretarial school and she admits that she can still type “like the wind.” When I asked Gillian about the secret to her success, she said: “To really KNOW myself, know my rhythms, idiosyncrasies, strengths, weaknesses, and true goals. I found out at the age of twenty-one that working a 9-to-5 job was not for me, or even working for other people, and I have been self-employed ever since, in one way or the other. I prefer the freedom. It suits my energy, which comes in extreme spurts, and then I need a fallow period to recover and regroup. I have a form of ADD and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I have learned to focus on my strengths and realize that there are certain things I'll never be good at, such as keeping a strict routine, building up a business after the initial exciting, creative part, or speaking in public. I don't waste my time focusing on them, or feeling bad about myself because I am not good at those things. I am better as a behind-the-scenes person. And that's fine. We can't all be Oprah.”

Part of your healing process is learning to take positive, calculated risks that feed your personal, professional, and creative growth. I have done a lot of writing and teaching about risk-taking and its benefits.

Are you ready to take some creative risks yourself? Here are some guidelines for you to follow as you traverse the potentially treacherous trail.

1 Make certain that you are passionate about what you are doing. If you don't have the zest, you won't have the stamina to stick with it.

2 Know what talents you have and what you will need help and support with. While some people like Gillian can manage to do most things themselves, many of us aren't quite that daring and adaptable, so we may need to enlist other resources.

3 Give yourself the time and the space to focus on your learning curve. It takes time to learn something new. I just started painting peonies, which I adore, but my hundredth painting will be far better than my first.

4 Realize that, as a risk-taker in the marketplace, you are going to have to sell your idea, product, or service to someone in order to get it out into the world. Brush up on the self-marketing skills that we have talked about and put together a plan that you can enjoy and stay committed to.

5 Lastly, know when it's time to move on. Some risks don't pan out and we need to cut our losses and let go. Other risks nourish us for a period of time and then we need to wave a “done” wand and advance. These transitions can be daunting, but they are totally normal and to be expected.

Decide what risk you would like to take and get started. Release your fears and inhibitions, take the plunge into the land of creative abundance, and enjoy!