Читать книгу Backlash II: More Tales Told by Hunters, Fishermen and Other Damned Liars - Galen Winter - Страница 12

Origins

A million or so years ago, one of our ancestors with opposable thumbs climbed down from a tree. As he wandered out onto a savannah in search of something to eat, he came across a gnawed thighbone of a baboon. He picked it up. Though he couldn’t find any meat on it, he thought: “What the hell, maybe it will make good soup.” At that very moment, a Saber Toothed tiger came charging at him.

Unable to run back into the forest and scurry up a tree for protection, our ancestor had to stand his ground and fight. He clunked the tiger over the head with the soup bone. This came as a surprise to the tiger. It had been accustomed to being the hunter and not the hunted. The shock was so great it promptly died.

The occurrence also came as a surprise to the humanoid. His search for food seldom led him to Saber Toothed Tiger meat. On the few occasions when he found some, it had been dead for some time and he had to fight off the vultures if he wanted his fair share of it.

This ancient ancestor became the first true hunter. He had discovered both weaponry and a new and exciting way to get non-rancid meat. Many of his clan member friends and companions noticed his constant supply of fresh meat. They became curious. They carefully watched him and discovered his secret. Soon it seemed as if everyone had to have his own thigh bone of a baboon. The shops that sold such things had a difficult time keeping up with the demand.

It wasn’t long (geologically speaking) before our prehistoric progenitors were able to come down from the trees and live in more comfortable caves where the results of falling out of bed were less serious. They spent their weekends wandering around the savannahs, far from the safety of climbable trees.

Sooner or later, a hungry Saber Toothed Tiger, thinking it had found an easy meal, would attack. Then the cave man would pull out his baboon thigh bone and clunk the tiger over the head. He’d haul the carcass back to the cave for the little woman to skin and cook.

With more of their number enjoying a nutritious diet of fresh tiger meat and with fewer of their number falling out of trees or otherwise providing Saber Toothed Tigers with a nutritious diet of fresh humanoid meat, the cave men grew bigger and stronger and extended their life expectancy. A major step in the advancement of civilization had taken place - all because of the discovery of weaponry.

More advances allied to the discovery of weapons were forthcoming. In those early days, the wild dogs had a pretty tough time of it. They had no one to scratch their ears. No overstuffed chair to jump into when the cave man was hunting and the cave woman was out looking for nuts and berries. Without toilet bowls, dogs had to get their drinking water from rivers and lakes and puddles.

The wild dog took notice of the large number of Saber Toothed Tiger bones scattered around the entrances of caves and its lifestyle changed forever. The wild dog was no fool. It saw the stack of baboon thigh bones as well as the piles of delicious tiger bones. Preferring not to be clunked over the head, the dogs adopted the policy: “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” They decided to domesticate.

The erstwhile wild dog became the cave man’s best friend. Thus mankind’s second great leap forward took place. The hunting dog had evolved. In exchange for retrieving pterodactyls, treeing Saber Toothed Tigers and pointing Hairy Mammoths, the dog got free food and someone to throw sticks for it - advantages still enjoyed by their descendents.

Progress, however, does not come without struggle. Ignorance and superstition are not new. They existed in the cave man’s day even though the concept of a Senate and a House of Representatives had not yet been developed.

Then, as now, there were those who militated against change and enlightenment. They had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into the Stone Age. The inhabitants of a nearby forest, still living in trees, deplored the discovery of the thigh bone club. They claimed the weapon would be used against humanoids as well as tigers and for purposes other than finding food. They were right. When a few of them tried to take weapons from the hunters, they got clunked on the head.

With their thesis thus proven, a group of tree dwellers attempted to create and enforce programs of baboon thigh bone control - you know - thigh bone registration, waiting periods and records checks before purchase, the outlawing of automatic thigh bones and Saturday Night Specials and, in a few cases, the outright banning of all baboon bones.

They had only limited success. Even in the few places where thigh bone control legislation was passed, Humanoids still clunked other humanoids over the head. The old axiom was proven. “Baboon thigh bones don’t clunk cave men over the head. Cave men clunk cave men over the head.”

With the possible exceptions of the Himalayan Yettis and the… (Is it Big Feet or Big Foots? hmmm.) With the possible exception of the Himalayan Yettis and the creatures represented by those big hairy guys occasionally reported in the Pacific Northwest, there are no descendents of the tree dwelling “thigh bone control faction” of cave man society. Unable to adjust to reality, like the dinosaurs before them, the thigh-bone-control cave men became extinct.

Other groups of humanoids were convinced the thigh bone weapons were so terrible no clan would dare use them during the raids they undertook for the purpose of kidnapping women from neighboring clans. That group of humanoids was in for a disappointment. Both the raids and the use of the weapons continued. Over the next few decades, all of the males in the clans who bought into the “Too Terrible a Weapon” theory got clunked over the head by their attackers. With the breeding stock thus depleted, they became extinct.

Anthropologists have uncovered evidence of yet another group who opposed the advancement of civilization. This bunch warned that the popularity of the thigh bone weapon would result in the extinction of the baboon. The extinction of one of the earth’s creatures, they argued, far outweighed any possible advantage baboon bone weapons could produce. As a matter of principle, they refused to eat meat dragged into camp by the hunters. Those who didn’t starve to death became vegetarians.

By this time, the cave man hunters had developed their own lobby group - Baboons Unlimited. BU held annual banquets and raised funds for the preservation of baboon habitat. The debate between the Baboon Thigh Bone people and Anti-Baboon Thigh Bone people continues to this day. One fact is clear: The baboons are not an endangered species.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Something else is also clear. The Saber Toothed Tiger is extinct. In my opinion, Saber Toothed Tiger extinction shouldn’t bother anyone. If there were efforts to reintroduce the Saber Toothed Tiger into the woods, I suspect the practice of deer hunting would become extinct. That would bother me.