Читать книгу Backlash II: More Tales Told by Hunters, Fishermen and Other Damned Liars - Galen Winter - Страница 7

Post Mortem Fishing

A number of older fishermen and a few younger ones who have been playing around with married women have foreseen the possibility of death staring them straight in the face. As a result they have become more than casually interested in learning if there is any fishing in the after life and, if so, where can they get tips to help them prepare for an eternity of post mortem fishing.

It has been suggested that I investigate the matter and inform the interested parties of the results. Credible source material was not easy to obtain. Religious leaders and the Department of Natural Resource folks were contacted and engaged in serious discussion. The ministers, rabbis, priests and mullahs didn’t venture an opinion. They told me I should go to Heaven if I wanted accurate information. The DNR folks also passed the buck. When I called them, they told me to go to hell and hung up. I followed the advice of both parties and am now able to give you this authoritative report.

Yes, in Heaven excellent fishing is available. If fly fishing is your predilection, in the Trout Fishing Section of New Jerusalem it is always June. The streams running through it contain substantial populations of German Brown trout as big as your leg. There is an unbroken Grey Drake hatch. The Elysian Fields produce a bumper crop of grasshoppers. Dave’s Hopper is the recommended terrestrial (or should I say “celestial”) artificial fly.

The lakes up there are the homes for humongous Muskies. The minimum size limit is 55 inches and a review of heavenly records shows not a single instance of a smaller Musky being hooked or even seen followed a plug. Though known as the “fish of a thousand casts” here on earth, up there the Musky is commonly called “the fish of ten casts”.

Walleyes, as well as large Perch and other pan fish abound in the Heavenly lakes. Huge Big Mouth Bass are vicious in their attacks of artificial lures. Because fish dinners are provided free of charge in Valhalla, all fishing is Catch and Release, thereby releasing the fisherman of the onerous job of convincing his wife to scale and clean the fish.

The seasons of the year are divided according to interest and usage instead of chronologically. If you prefer to ice fish, the Winter Sport Season of Paradise has lakes frozen over three hundred and sixty five days a year (366 during leap years). Special frozen lakes and rivers are reserved for Sturgeon spearing. Ice shanties and spearing blinds need never be removed from the lakes since there is no spring thaw in that part of Heaven.

In the Summer Lake Fishing Section of Heaven, all outboard motors are required to start on the first crank. They use neither oil nor gasoline and deep cell batteries for trolling motors never have to be recharged. Lakes and streams are not crowded, rod tips are never broken and there is no DNR. That’s why they call it “Paradise”.

As a special favor, St. Peter reviewed admission records back to the time the Place was established. Except for the Saints who netted fish in the Sea of Galilee before getting religion and giving up the sport, no fisherman has ever been admitted to Heaven. Fishermen were and continue to be such terrible liars that not one of them has ever come close to meeting the heavenly SAT exam requirements. This accounts for the fact the lakes and streams are never crowded.

Having never been known to treat the truth with anything but the highest degree of respect, I fully expect to be allowed to enter the Elysian Fields. I look forward to fishing in Paradise (but not in the immediate future). You, on the other hand, should preserve no such hope or expectation since the potential of your going to Heaven is limited to the point of being nonexistent. However, an alternative is open to you. Since you cannot possibly go to Heaven, I refer, of course, to the potential of your enjoyment of fishing in Hell.

Though not a fisherman himself, Satan has not overlooked the establishment of special facilities for those of his guests who engaged in the sport while on earth. After all, many of his resident clientele are fishermen. (The largest local population is made up of women. Recently an Affirmative Action Regulation has been adopted and in the future no more men will be admitted until a one-to-one woman to man ratio is attained.)

Charon, the boatman who ferries the condemned souls over the River Styx and up to the gates of Hades, operates a fly shop and a guide service on that river. Due to the large number of fishermen, used car salesmen, politicians and attorneys dying and being sent to Hell, the poor fellow spends most of his days operating his ferry. The time available for river guiding is quite limited.

(For the information of all of you hunters, Cerberus, Hell’s three headed dog guarding the entrance to Hades, is an excellent bird hunter. When the dog is not engaged in ripping the stuffing out of the new arrivals, Charon will rent him out. The animal loves to hunt upland birds and has been known to point three Hungarian Partridge at the same time.)

At the Gates of Hell, the River Styx is too warm to support trout of any sort. Small Mouth Bass and pan fish are about all that can be caught on that part of the river. Trout fishermen are advised to travel a few miles up stream where a water temperature of 60 degrees is maintained throughout the year. Brooks, Browns and Rainbow are all present in both large numbers and sizes.

The trout are attracted by only a few artificial flies. They are the Hellgrammite, Black Prince, Gray Ghost and Golden Demon. Lake fish, of course, prefer the old fashioned Daredevil.

Hell is graced by a large number of officials from the various Departments of Natural Recourses. This accounts for the multitude of intricate, conflicting and incomprehensible regulations which govern stream, lake and fish management. In spite of their presence, the Hellish fisheries have always and will continue to contain record sized trophies.

Before preparing for your trip to Hades, you should be aware of the fact that down there the hunting and fishing seasons are perpetually closed. That’s why they call it Hell.