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Chapter 1

Clearing the Blocks to Self-Expression

When you write, do you feel truly able to express yourself? Are you able to really say what you need and want to say? I always ask these questions at the beginning of my workshops in writing for creative self-expression.

When writers are struggling with the world, they often put their angst into words. For instance, the 1950s beat poet Allen Ginsberg poured all his suffering into Howl—an epic poem about his dissatisfaction with life. His publisher was then put on trial for printing obscene language. Yet to Ginsberg, those words simply expressed what he thought and felt, nothing more; nothing less. His world contained gay sex, and he didn’t hide that. He freely expressed himself.

You may be thinking, well, time has moved on—now anything goes. But we are all taught in our daily lives to censor ourselves, and we’re socialized to do this from a very young age. This censorship not only extends to our social relationships, but even to our private thoughts, and, for some of us, into almost every waking moment of life. Rather than face a “trial,” we figure it’s easier to just write (or say) something bland, something every palette can handle. But if you do this enough, it becomes a habit that’s hard to break.

So when I ask that question, “Are you truly able to express yourself?” it’s no surprise that 90 percent of people say, “no.”

For Most People, Writing Comes with a Lot of Baggage

Writing is free. It costs just a pen, a piece of paper—and perhaps a coffee (maybe a bulletproof one for extra brain power). But for many of us, it’s a minefield. On the surface of it, the blank page is non-judgmental. All it asks is to be filled with marks. It’s completely impartial. It doesn’t mind whether the marks are scribbled or perfect looking, or if they’re grammatically correct. But when we bring ourselves to the page, we bring a lifetime of baggage—some of it accumulated from around the age of five, the first time we ever put pen to paper.

Now, of course, there are some people for whom writing freely is a weapon. I’m thinking of people who practice hate speech; the alt-right; the bitchy columnists who spread racist and sexist propaganda; and the internet trolls who delight in taking people down. However, I’m sure you’ll agree that these folks are not truly self-expressed. Their bullying behavior is a mask for something else, and though they may write freely, it’s not with joy and love. I hope those people find health and happiness. But they’re outside the scope of what this book is about. And I don’t want to waste another word on them. You who are reading this book—yes, you! You are the one I have written this for.

Have You Ever Been Grammar-Shamed?

By this, I mean when you’ve written something heartfelt or creative, and the response you get back is all about your grammar or punctuation. This type of mostly unhelpful feedback is commonplace. People who don’t know how to write or who are excellent technical writers with blocked self-expression can only focus on the mechanics of writing. They miss the nuances and ignore the feelings and the messages behind the writing. And, if you listen to them, you’ll get on a fast track to being blocked yourself, like my client who can remember vividly the specific nun who shamed her as a child, whose voice she still hears when she’s writing. Another client used to write professionally but then was deeply shamed by a senior editor who resented her naivete and enthusiasm. She remembers the specific occasion where she was lambasted in front of her work colleagues and how it shredded her self-confidence.

The solution is to practice the exercises in this book and just let them unfold a path for you. Clients have told me that my work has helped to take away the shame they felt from being dyslexic and that they used to be self-conscious about their writing, but, after practicing for a while, the self-consciousness just disappeared. Others have healed from the wounds left from parents or partners reading their innermost thoughts and picking them apart.

They were finally able to let the joy of creative self-expression take over. And that’s the thing. We don’t want to get too serious and bogged down, nor try to drown out the negative voices or hurl insults back. We want to listen. So ask yourself, “When, where, and why have people shamed you into thinking your creativity is bad?” This is something that we explore deeply in my online program. We need to accept the answers and make a space in our hearts for joy to bubble up. Then we use that to express ourselves—our true selves.

The Communication Pyramid

The communication pyramid is a handy tool to help you to visualize the different layers of self-expression that you can access.

At the top, we have the mind—the place where most of us write from. I don’t teach this at all, not even when teaching in the business and academic worlds. When you write from the mind, the writing is dull, formulaic, and rule-based. It cannot inspire or move anyone to do anything—least of all yourself.

Second down, we have the body. This layer is useful and is the zone of the practical writing techniques that you may have learned in a how-to course, or while reading a how-to article on the internet. I also teach these in many of my writing workshops and online programs. The heart and soul are, of course, the focus of this book. We’ll do lots of work around these, and there’ll be lots of stories and examples to keep you on track.

Finally, at the bottom, there is voice—the much-discussed holy grail for writers. Every writer wants to find their voice. But you can’t really find it. As you go down the layers of the communication pyramid, you uncover it. It’s the sum total of the mind, body, heart, and soul. Because although I said I don’t teach the mind stuff, of course it comes into play. The mind figures out how to organize the dance of words, phrases, and sentences. My method is to ensure you get out of its way. Give it lots of time and space, and the heart and soul will speak to it for you.

Grab a Notebook and Answer the Following Questions:

oWhich place do you write from most?

oHow can you access the deeper places? Brainstorm some solutions that you think might work for you.

Don’t wait for the perfect time to write. If you have an idea, pull out your phone and jot it down. Put all those sentences together and you may have a full piece! Learn to love first drafts, and don’t be shamed by spelling mistakes or grammar errors. When it comes to creative self-expression, they’re simply not in the job description. Walk, run, shower, wash up, go for a drive. Do things that switch off your mind and see what bubbles up. Then write it down.

Facing Up to What Lies Beneath

Quieting your mind and getting honest with yourself is tough. In the early 2000s, I spent a few years exploring acting as a possible career and signed up for an acting course at Pineapple dance studios in London’s Covent Garden. The first session was fun, until the teacher told us our homework. The task was to bring in a picture of yourself as a baby and talk about your childhood. I felt I couldn’t do it—that it was too personal. And I walked around with a knot in my stomach all week, dreading having to reveal myself publicly.

But I did it, and it felt good to face my fear. And it wasn’t even as though I shared anything earth-shattering, just some run-of-the-mill family stuff. After the second session, we were given another assignment. This time we had to choose a significant event in our lives. Then we would have to communicate it the following week to the others in the class, using only our eyes and faces. Now I was really scared. I had never done anything like that before. Where inside me could I find the means to express that? I told myself that it wasn’t really acting and that it didn’t make any sense. What about the words? Why couldn’t we just say how we felt? The following week, I found a reason not to make it to class. And the following, and the following…until the ten-week course was over, and I’d spent a couple of hundred pounds (that I couldn’t afford) on only two group acting classes!

When I did enroll in full-time drama school the following year, my voice teacher cautioned me, “You have to find your own voice. Everything you do is about championing the voices of others.” And it was true. I was, and at heart am, a journalist. I love doing interviews and telling people’s stories. I love packaging advice in fun, fresh ways. I love digesting information and retelling it. But at that time, I was simply unable to go deeper in my communication. In any case, after a couple of years, I realized acting wasn’t for me and continued on my path as a writer.

If you’re having trouble accessing the lower layers of the communication pyramid, the collection of beliefs and behaviors that make up your writing personality are probably getting in the way.

We all have a writing personality that protects us from going too deep, that prevents us from accessing that place inside and drawing it out. It’s self-protection. But it’ll get in the way unless you bring it to light. Figuring out your writing personality and how to navigate it can allow you to reap dividends. In doing so, you shine a light on your behavior when you have a pen and paper in your hand or you’re at the keyboard.