Читать книгу In Our Own Words - Группа авторов - Страница 12

I WAS BROUGHT UP in an alcoholic, dysfunctional home — dysfunctional mostly because I was in it. My father was an active AA member, but in the twenty years he was “on” the program, he never put a year of continuous sobriety together. My mother was a functioning alcoholic who drank every night in the solitude of her bedroom. I lived in a house of fear.

My mother told me if I ever found my dad’s booze to “get rid of it.” So when I found it, I got rid of it: I drank it.

My first drink was on a resentment; at my father for abandoning me every time he chose booze over me, at my mom for making me responsible to fix my dad, at the booze for being so much more important than me, and at God for putting me in this family.

I immediately found out why both of my parents chose booze over reality. I was an instant alcoholic. I drank to oblivion.

My dad sensed the change in me and began promoting AA to me with incentives such as “Hey, there are some young, cute guys in the Fellowship.” Well, my dad was right — those young, cute guys were there. I was able to see that even though AA wasn’t working for my dad, it did work. People were actually staying sober for more than a year. I attended meetings for ninety days, then I got back into life and busy again. I put together a year and a half of not drinking, without the program, and I chose to go back out.

It took only a year for me to find my way back in AA, utterly defeated. This time I got a sponsor who was eighteen and had five years of sobriety (not uncommon). I attended meetings regularly and began to build a spiritual foundation with my Higher Power. I can also utilize my religious teachings, but I always remember that “religion is for people who are afraid of hell, and spirituality is for people who have been there.”

God has blessed me with the precious gift of sobriety. He has never given me more than I can handle. He has put everything in my life that is good. God is my center of being. Nothing on this earth matters except for my spiritual growth. I have found that God is in me, in you, in all. He has given me the gifts of intuition, intelligence, and love. I don’t live in fear today. I live in the light.

As for my family: my mom found AA after she had her left foot amputated due to her alcoholism. My dad died alone in his condo on his kitchen floor. I found him after he had been dead for three days. I know my dad did not die in vain because he showed me how not to do this program. My mom and I both have over six years of continuous sobriety. We both have a sponsor, we both are in service, we both work our Steps, and we both have found our Higher Power.

This program has broken the alcoholic chain in my family tree. God saved me at a very young age and I can honestly say, “I’ve never had a legal drink in my life.”

I know God must have something very special and very important in store for me to have saved me from so much suffering. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been to jails and institutions, tried to kill myself at eighteen, and put myself through hell. Yet there are so many things I didn’t have to do. I reached my bottom when I put the shovel down. My whole life is finally integrated. I do practice these principles in all of my affairs. I’m constantly putting positive information into my brain to record over the “old tapes.” I used to say my mind was my worst enemy, but I now realize my mind is one of my most powerful tools.

I can never repay AA for the life I have today, but it’s my responsibility to give back freely as God directs me and to remain forever humble, honest, open-minded, and willing to do his will.

Pam H.

Garden Grove, California

June 1995