Читать книгу UnHoly Communion-Lessons Learned from Life among Pedophiles, Predators, and Priests - Hank Ph.D. Estrada - Страница 10

During my time as a seminarian, I maintained personal journals of my experiences. What follows is an actual journal entry I made regarding my July 4, 1979 seduction by Father John:

“Last night, July 4th, Father John invited me to accompany him to see a fireworks show outside the city limits. He said that the best view to watch was from a cemetery overlooking the river where the fireworks were to be fired overhead. I must say it was an eerie feeling walking through this cemetery with all these town people looking for places to sit and set up their folding chairs. Father John and I found a large above ground tomb, about a big as a queen-size bed, and we sat upon it.

The fireworks show did not last long and sometime during the fireworks show Father John asked me to move back and rest my back against the grave headstone. I climbed further back onto the top of the tomb and both of us sat close together, like two people on a park bench. It was a beautiful clear summer night with a gentle cool breeze blowing and we couldn’t have picked a better spot for watching the city’s beautiful skyline and fireworks show. When the show was over Father John and I remained seated talking while all the people cleared out and went home. There was bright moonlight after the smoke cleared which cast eerie shadows all about and periodically I found myself looking over my shoulder at the slightest sound of something moving.

At one point when our casual conversation stopped, Father John reached over with both hands and started massaging my neck. I was picking up a particularly strong vibe that he was interested in starting something physical and was open to our “fooling around.” I didn't know how to just ask him outright about this and just sat silent. He must have sensed my apprehension and lack of response because he immediately asked me to tell him about my life before entering the seminary. I asked for him to speak first about his life before priesthood.

He told me about his family and early seminary days. I followed with brief answers about my education and number of family members. Again, he asked me to tell him about myself, and this time I sensed he wanted to know where I was at sexually. He sat right next to me with one leg up against mine and one hand pressing on my shoulder. The sex “vibe” was definitely there and I finally came right out and asked him, “Are you physically attracted to me or are you just an extremely ‘touchy-feely’ person?” He responded, “Yes, I am both.” Then I asked, “Are you sexually attracted to me?” And again he replied, “Yes.”

At this point I did not know what else to say, after all he was an ordained priest, my superior and spiritual director and we had both taken vows of celibacy. I was actually beginning to feel emotionally attached and physically attracted to him and yet I also felt an urgency to get away from this situation, for both our sakes. I told him that this was a dangerous situation for us to be in and that this was very hard for me to say “We need to get back to the rectory.” He looked directly at me, smiled reassuringly and said that he admired my honesty and that he was glad I had said it.

I felt instantly relieved to hear him confirm my response and praised God for the strength to say what I did. I definitely did not want to jeopardize this friendship by engaging in sexual play with him or to just have sex for the immediate gratification of it, and I told him this. I felt so good about resisting this tremendous temptation and thanked him for accepting my comments and listening to my concerns.

We changed the subject for a moment and talked about the many beautiful bright stars out that night. I was so happy and I wanted to thank him with an embrace for listening and respecting my words. He had moved away from sitting directly next to me and I crawled over next to him and put my arms around him. Our embrace was long, warm, and deeply sensitive. I felt a tremendous sense of love at that moment for Father John, like I’d never felt before.

I was feeling so confident, supported, and loved by him that I completely relaxed in his arms. I no longer felt the threat of anything sexual happening. We had both, so I thought, acknowledged that our commitment to our vow of celibacy and sexual abstinence was the most loving gift we could share with each other.

At the end of the embrace, I pulled away and he looked me directly in the eyes and briefly, very tenderly kissed me on the lips. It was a surprise and seemed genuinely respectful. He pulled back momentarily to study my reaction then held my head in both his hands and once again leaned in and kissed me on the lips. This time the kiss was harder and more sensual. We held each other tighter and he very sensuously began to french kiss me. His kiss was so incredibly stimulating and passionate that I was completely overwhelmed. No one had ever treated me this way or with such passion. I instantly felt myself surrendering my entire being to him and fell undeniably “head-over-heels” in love!

Father John moved up on top of me and while kissing me began to undo my pants. I felt his erect penis pressing against my legs through his walking shorts, which he kept on. He reached inside my pants and while french kissing me, masturbated me until I climaxed. My body and mind exploded in sensations I could never have imagined. It was tremendous! I was so overwhelmed with emotion and joy I could no longer think or speak.

After surviving years of childhood sexual abuse, incest, and physical manipulations, I now thought I was finally experiencing what real, gentle, honest love must be. I was not to find out just how wrong I was until several emotionally painful and devastating months later, when my summer assignment was over, and I returned home without Father John to Los Angeles.

For the next month and a half after that July 4th night, Father John took every opportunity to see me alone. He would caress me and flirt with me, even visit me in my bedroom at night before we retired. Most times he just hugged me, and once in a while he kissed me on the lips. He often offered to massage my back and legs, which I admittedly enjoyed. Father John told me how much he enjoyed us lying together, face to face, fully clothed while rubbing our erect penises up against each other.

On one occasion, Father John rubbed himself up against me so much that he climaxed right in his walking shorts. I eventually came to realize that Father John believed that as long as he did not physically expose himself or masturbate, he wasn’t really engaging in a sexual act or breaking his celibacy vow. This, in my opinion, is how Father John justifies remaining a “celibate” priest while physically attracted to and sexual interested in younger men.

Father John’s affectionate behavior changed dramatically towards me after that 4th of July seduction. He now seemed content just to want to physically arouse me with gentle hugs, tender caresses, and long embraces. As soon as Father John noticed I was physically aroused, he immediately stopped being affectionate, pulled away, and left the room. He seemed to enjoy getting me excited then seeing me frustrated every time he left. I didn't understand why he would do this. It was cruel, extremely frustrating, and at times felt like torture. In late August of that year, I left Father John at our parish in Fort Worth, Texas, and return home to Los Angeles to prepare to move to Berkeley, California to begin studies for my masters in theology.

While preparing to begin my studies in LA, I received several letters from Father John. Not once did he mention our recent sexual relationship or intimate 4th of July experience, and absolutely nothing was expressed on the same level of his often proclaimed profound love for me. I couldn't understand what had changed, or if I had done something to turn Father John away. His letters were now cold, formal, and completely devoid of any loving emotion. I was overwhelmed by heartache and grew increasingly grief-stricken and depressed.

I finally saw Father John once more while we were both attending an annual retreat at the Claretian Renewal Center in Los Angeles. He was preparing to leave for a mission assignment in Nigeria to supervise new young seminarians. One evening during this retreat, he invited me to meet him late that evening in his private room. I was beside myself and couldn't wait. When I got to his door, I noticed Father John peering out from a crack in the open door watching for me. As soon as I entered, we immediately stripped out of our clothes, down to our underwear. Father John lifted me on to his bed and lay on top of me, as was his preference. As had been the case each time before, we got each other “off” by hugging and rubbing up against each other’s “concealed” erections. Once again reinforcing Father John’s outrageous thinking, I reasoned that it wasn’t actual sex if we still kept our underwear on. Imagine that! But at the time, I did not care; I truly thought I was in love, or what my confused mind perceived to be love.

Father John never again confessed his deep love for me or expressed how wonderful a person I was to him. He had successfully achieved his goal of seducing me and no longer felt the need to invest pleasant, caring compliments upon a “conquered” soul. Father John had successfully seduced me and had no further interest in continuing our intimate relationship. I’ve subsequently learned that this is a typical behavior of sexual predators once they have successfully seduced their intended prey.

That was the last time I had any sexual contact with Father John. It was an extremely disappointing and heartbreaking encounter. I felt I had been used, taken advantage of, and psychologically manipulated. I left his room deeply hurt, emotionally devastated, and wanting nothing more to do with him. I experienced for myself right then and there, just what a selfish, sinister, and insincere man Father John truly was and, most likely, still is.