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CHAPTER 4

Abandonment Aftermath

Father John Raab left for the Claretian mission in Nigeria in December of 1979. I was devastated by his departure and emotionally void. He expressed no sorrow or sadness about our separation. He told me he would write and that he looked forward to our reunion sometime in the coming year. I was distraught and fell apart emotionally. I felt like the first true love of my adult life had totally abandoned me and I was now forced to deal with my own overwhelming feelings of emptiness, sadness, and despair. I could not sleep and began having digestive problems, to the point of rectal bleeding—an ulcer no doubt. I felt as though I had experienced a death in the family. I was miserable and no one around me knew it. I forced myself to act normal in front of my peers, superiors, family, and co-workers. Externally, I pretended to be the picture of emotional health. But, inside, I was seriously depressed and filled with emotional pain.

I knew that by recalling the suicidal state I had experienced as a teen, I was in serious mental trouble and in need of help. I vividly recalled the hopeless state of depression I was in at 16 years of age, which led me to contemplate suicide; but I was never going to go there again. I knew that my only chance for healing was to seek immediate professional counseling. I requested therapy, and started interviewing therapists who might help me to sort through the emotional grief and figure out what had happened. Initially, I sought out “religious” counselors and therapist, but I realized that each came with his or her own bias with regards to faith and sexual behavior. The process of seeking out a qualified therapist, one who I could feel comfortable with, was by no means easy. I had to go through several therapist interviews and sessions before I finally found a therapist who would be helpful. He turned out to be a non-religious, male professional therapist who specialized in issues of intimacy and human sexuality.

“Dear John” Letter

The following letter was sent to Father John after I had completed several months of intense psychotherapy. I believe it demonstrates the tremendous advances I had made as a result of attending regular therapy sessions. The letter is dated November 25, 1979. Father John had been out of my life for just two months:

Dear John,

Do you remember the day I said that no matter what happened in the future, no matter what trouble or difficulties you may get into because of your sexual orientation, I would love and support you no matter what? Do you remember? Well, I still will do these things; however, I have given this much thought and now want to add that I don't want to wait until something happens or until you get hurt by your particular needs. I don't want to see anything happen to you or to anyone else for that matter. Therefore I share with you the following thoughts and feelings.

I really have to work at controlling my own sexual inclinations and desires in light of my religious commitment and especially in my ministry. The day I give up on this will be the day I have to leave the religious life....I cannot ignore this fact.

I need to learn what to do and how to act when I am attracted, stimulated, and tempted by another man, because if I don't do this I could really hurt someone as well as myself. The risks are extremely high and the consequences are extremely dangerous, especially for a celibate religious. I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but I feel that thinking about it, at this point, may not be enough.

I want to learn to live a healthy, happy, and wholesome celibate life. I want and need someone to help me arrive at this goal. I may/may not ever reach it, but I am making every possible effort towards doing so. I will not allow myself to run away, even when it hurts to face the reality of my lack of control, I will not ignore the difficulties that I have in dealing with my sexuality and orientation. If I did this, it would mean that I would have to forfeit all of the beautiful life God has allowed me to experience within religious life thus far.

I am doing everything possible to keep what I have and I’ll be damned if my sexual orientation and actions are going to be the major cause of my forfeiting what I now have. I have had to admit my own weakness and incapability of dealing constructively with my sexuality. I cannot do it alone and I will not do it alone.

I have, since you left in September, sought professional counseling and I have discussed our relationship with my therapist. I am deeply concerned about my future as a religious. I go twice a week and it’s been extremely helpful. It likewise, has been extremely painful, often humiliating, and I don't usually look forward to the sessions. I keep reminding myself and telling myself that it is all for my own good, that it will help me in the long run. I will at least be much more clearer about myself and how I can best handle the situation....it’s better that I get through this now than to be sorry later. My future as a religious, as a priest, is much to important to me for me not to do all I can to gain better understanding and control of my inclinations.

My immediate concern, John, is likewise for you. I'm concerned about your present and future situation, especially with regards to your sexual inclinations. I remember you mentioned to me once that your constantly working on this situation, that you’ve thought and prayed a lot about it, just as I have and still do. I don't feel that this is enough.

After reflecting upon the things you shared with me about your earlier days in the seminary, with the time you got accused of sexually approaching someone, up to the more recent encounter with that young convert, then to our own relationship, I can’t help but see a real concern for you. From the very little I know about your experiences, John, and just looking at these, I would fear that this kind of thing will happen again...I have to ask, where is your life going? What direction are you headed? Please be honest, John. I am being honest with you...you mean too much to me for me not to challenge you in this way...your priesthood is of great importance. Am I making any sense, John? Do you understand my concern?

Can you at this time do everything possible to avoid any type of physical encounter with anyone? I feel a responsibility, John, that forces me to ask these questions of you. Personal, yes, but much more serious. I myself, as your dear friend, do not feel that your fully capable of doing these things on only our own. Perhaps you can to a certain extent, but that may no longer be enough.

I see your situation there as having serious ramifications, John. Please keep in mind that I am speaking from experience and I do not want to see you hurt or suffer, nor do I want to see anyone else whom you might know go through these things either.

It is my opinion and feeling...just as it applies to myself right now, that you as a person are the most important concern, not your ministry...it may suffer because of this, not the physical distance in which you find yourself...you should be the priority, John. I am referring to some professional counseling...which probably is not available to you there but is here in Los Angeles. I feel that as a priority you should consider this option and take advantage of it as soon as possible. It will not hurt or damage you in the long run, however it may if you do nothing about it.

I hope you see my concern here, John, and more importantly my love and support. All of what I’ve said so far has been very difficult for me to say and I wish I didn't need to say these things but that's not the case and they must be said. Dealing with the reality of our sexual orientation is painful and each time we deal with it you can be sure that there will exist an element of pain. But this pain and uncomfortableness should not stop us...it will not stop me either.

There have been several things that have become evident to me through my therapy sessions:

#1. Our particular relationship can never be what it was or ended up being—physical and sexual.

#2. For me an exclusive physical relationship is completely out of the question and no longer an open consideration. It is contrary to my commitment as a professed religious. It is contrary to our religious lifestyle.

These two facts have become more firmly a reality if I intend to remain in a celibate community ministering to people...and I do intend to do this.

I said I am being honest with you, John, so I will not hide this either. Without revealing your name, I have shared our experience, mine as well as yours, with Father Brian Doran, a very close and respected friend. He has been, and is, very supportive, understanding, and helpful. He is more than willing to talk about this with you...should you ever feel you need or want to. My sincere hope is that you would be open to it. There are too many consequences, risks, and problems involved in our future as religious priest not to do or say anything about it. I really do care about our future as religious, as ministers...both of us have much to offer. Both of us have specific skills, talents and insights that can and do help others. Lets not waste these, John. My life and future as a religious priest means much too much to me...how about you?

I have said all that I feel needs to be said at this time, John. Do not be angry or afraid, I care too much for you. You are not, and will not be left alone, especially by me...I’m in the same boat, my friend. I would like to see you have a better understanding of yourself and situation...better means of dealing with “things” (you know what I’m talking about), things that will effect you for the rest of your life. I feel it is time that you started caring and ministering more to yourself than to anyone else right now...my own feelings of course!

Written with much love and care, H

PS Whatever it is your feeling now, I'm still with, and for, you.

Several months passed before I heard from Father John. He wrote to me about how much he was enjoying his new overseas assignment in Nigeria with the new seminarians and made it a point to express how much he enjoyed swimming with them in the local river. I knew right away what he meant by that and felt disgusted and sick for the young seminarians involved. I truly regret that, at that time, I chose not to alert anyone because of my desire not to “go there again” and to just move on with my life. Looking back on Father John’s response, I see clearly now how he felt confident enough in his presumed sense of power over me, to indicate in his letters his continued sexual escapades with other young seminarians. He must have known that there was nothing I would say or do about this, and at the time, he was right and he counted on this.

I chose, right then and there, to put our relationship behind me and never again replied to any of Father John’s letters. I did not permit myself to think about those other seminarians who, I believed, were being groomed and sexually assaulted by him as I had been. I just wanted to stop thinking about Father John and how upset and disturbed his memory still made me feel.