Читать книгу Unlearn - Humble the Poet - Страница 18

Relationships can be a death trap for dependencies.

I’m not talking solely about romantic relationships, I’m talking the whole shebang: professional, friends, creative, family, etc.

I’m not anti-relationship, I’m just pro–watch-out-for-developing-dependencies-in-your-relationship. When we put the key to our happiness in the pocket of others, we’re now at their mercy. Not all folks are looking to exploit the power they’ve been granted, but shit still tends to happen.

The most important relationship you have is with yourself—simple. Putting the responsibility of your smiles on anyone else will often lead to the opposite, and you have no one to blame except yourself. This anti-victim mentality isn’t popular because people don’t enjoy the onus, but it’s probably the only way to ensure a long-standing, healthy ability to have meaningful relationships.

We’ve cheapened the word love to the point that it’s common for someone to say they love you, and then no longer mean it a short time later. What is love really? Does a mother fall out of love with her child? If the dynamics of any relationship change, what usually causes it?

One answer is expectations. The love we seek is generally riddled with conditions, but the fairy tales make us feel that it’s unconditional. Respecting the fact that relationships are based on conditions may not be the most romantic, but it is the most realistic.

I encourage you to be independent—not because I want you to be, but because you already are. We’re born alone and die alone, and again, though it lacks romance, putting your relationship with yourself first dramatically enhances your ability to have relationships with others.

Dependencies aren’t healthy, whether on a substance, an idea, or another human being. In this sense, wanting less results in having more. Again, I’m not an idealist. In our daily lives we have to depend on people for things to get done, but if we acknowledge the dependencies early, it cushions the blow dramatically if expectations aren’t met. It can also serve to motivate us to be in a position to further reduce the dependencies we can survive without.

I’m not advocating a life of complete isolation and simplicity. I’ve always had a life rich with people and complexity, but at the same time I do find peace in simplifying and cleaning out the clutter.

I also know that if you’re not happy with yourself, nothing can compensate to fill that void.