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ОглавлениеMixed Messages: Signs of the Times
Lip-enhancing gloss labelled ‘For external
use on the oral lips only’.
‘The instructions with my new steam iron include the warning: “Never steam iron the garment you are wearing.”’
Christopher Bell, Sevenoaks, Kent, The Times
‘Spring Health Leisure require part-time fitness instructor able to work evenings and weekends. Must be flexible.’
Spotted in the Hartlepool Mail by Les Hester
Seen in a car park in Bakewell, Derbyshire, a sign saying: ‘Public Toilets’. And underneath it a sign saying: ‘Have You Paid and Displayed?’
Mrs Wendy Brant, Daily Mail
Instructions on a new digital telephone include: ‘When the other person answers, speak.’
Debbie Beasley, Langdon Hills, Essex, The Times
Sign at King’s Cross railway station – designed to help passengers with pre-booked seats on the 16.28 to Doncaster: ‘Coach G is in M. M is in J. E is split between A and D.’
Mark Carter, Beverley, Yorkshire, The Times
Sign seen on the back window of a car: ‘Caution. Driver under the influence of children.’
Sue Barnard, Altrincham, Cheshire, The Times
‘A charity that helps dead and blind people is looking for volunteers.’
Spotted in the Hastings Observer by Mrs M Tower, of Broad Oak, East Sussex
Because of a new EC directive it was felt necessary to put up a sign on the slopes of the Cairngorms in Scotland saying: ‘Hazard Warning. This snow could be slippery and dangerous.’
Sunday Telegraph
Sign on the door of a repair shop: ‘We Can Fix Anything. Please knock on the door, the bell is broken.’
Reader’s Digest
The @ sign used in e-mails is known as ‘monkey’s tail’ in South Africa, ‘pickled herring’ in the Czech Republic, ‘snail’ in Israel, ‘maggot’ in Hungary, ‘little mouse’ in Mandarin Chinese and ‘little monkey’s testicle’ in Holland.
The Times
Advert in the Glossop Chronicle & Advertiser for a factory shop closing down sale: ‘New stock arriving daily.’
Spotted by Mr L A Penny of Glossop, Daily Mail
A winter sports catalogue advertises: ‘Ladybird £14.95. A small city backpack for girls with a padded bottom.’
Sunday Times
Britain has many weird and wonderful place names (Crackpot, Blubberhouses, Pratts Bottom, Twatt, Booze) – but the US throws up some stiff competition. ‘Fearnot’ and ‘Rough and Ready’ are neighbouring towns in Pennsylvania, which led to the headline: ‘Fearnot man marries Rough and Ready Woman.’
Independent on Sunday
In a contest to find Britain’s silliest packaging instructions the samples below were finalists:
Nytol sleep aid: ‘Warning: may cause drowsiness.’
Tesco’s tiramisu dessert: ‘Do not turn upside down’ – printed on bottom of box.
Marks and Spencer’s bread pudding: ‘Product will be hot after heating.’
Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: ‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.’
On several brands of Christmas lights: ‘For indoor or outdoor use only.’
On a child’s Superman costume: ‘Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.’
On lip-enhancing gloss: ‘For external use on the oral lips only.’ Sunday Telegraph
A box of fire-lighters warns me that they are ‘Highly Inflammable’.
Duncan Heenan, Isle of Wight, The Times
Sign on the Truro - Falmouth branch railway line: ‘Toilets are closed at Falmouth Town Railway Station due to flooding. Please use Falmouth Docks.’
Mrs A Dennant, Falmouth, Cornwall, Daily Mail
The British affection for place names – particularly silly ones – is celebrated in the Penguin Dictionary of British Place Names, compiled by Adrian Room.
You can soak up Booze in North Yorkshire or Beer in Devon and then go for a Wyre Piddle in Worcester.
Members of the Loose Women’s Institute in Kent may feel they have a slight edge on those at the Ugley Women’s Institute in Essex.
Daily Telegraph
Mucking and Messing are two place names in Essex.
The Times
Peter Luff MP recalls ‘a poem of place names in my constituency’:
Upton Snodsbury, Tibberton and Crowle
Wyre Piddle, North Piddle, Piddle in the Hole.
Sadly, writes Mr Luff, modern maps omit the last of these and it now lives on only as the appropriate name of a fine, locally brewed beer.
Daily Telegraph
Imagine my delight to learn from the packaging that my Tesco Premium teabags are ‘Suitable for everyday use. Throughout the day.’
Richard Arch, London NW, The Times
On the pack of a purchase from a garden centre: ‘Kills ants for up to five weeks.’
Catherine Henderson, Lancaster, The Times
Found on the underside of a box of sweets: ‘Do not read while the carton is open.’
Chris Spurrier, Hampshire, The Times
A woman writes from America to tell the Daily Telegraph about the Harry Potter broomstick given to her five-year-old. The packaging read: ‘Caution. Broom does not really fly.’
On the handlebars of a child’s scooter: ‘Caution. This product moves when used.’
Martin G Sexton, Norwich, The Times
Sign on a farm fence in Colwyn Bay: ‘Well rotted horse manure £1. Or DIY 50p’.
Daily Mail
Label on Tesco Pudding Rice: ‘Ideal for rice puddings.’
Norman Braidwood, Edinburgh, The Times
Sign at a van sales room in Beckenham: ‘All major credit cards excepted.’
Anthony Vigurs, The Times
Warning on an item of clothing: ‘The hemp used in this garment is non-toxic and cannot be used as a drug.’
The Times
People keep stealing a street sign identifying Butt Hole Road, Conisbrough, South Yorkshire. American tourists are suspected.
Sheffield Star
Label on a glass paperweight: ‘Easy to use.’
‘This I can confirm to be true,’ writes Paul McLure of Exeter in The Times.
A sign in Musselburgh, East Lothian, points to: ‘Toilets’. Underneath it another sign says: ‘Free P’.
Daily Mail
Sign in a butcher’s shop in the Yorkshire Dales: ‘Orders may be placed by e-mail or by fax or pushed under the door.’
Reader’s Digest
A book called The Warning Label Book includes the warning covering Ray-O-Vac batteries: ‘If swallowed or lodged in the ear or nose, see doctor.’ And this on the Sno-Off Automobile Windshield Cover: ‘Caution. Never drive with the cover on your windshield.’
Independent on Sunday
Sign in a hotel in Great Yarmouth: ‘Please fold up wheelchairs when using the ramp.’
Daily Mail
Stephen Edwards of Nottingham wrote to The Times about a sign he saw in India: ‘The Old Ladakh Guest House – hospitalising since 1974.’
British tourists frequently steal the road signs that tell them they have arrived in the South-West France town of Condom.
Independent
Underneath the ‘automatic door’ sign at the TSB Bank in Bracknell, Berkshire, there is another sign saying: ‘Push to Open.’
Paul Simmonds, Daily Mail
‘I have just returned from a cruise where a Force 10 made the ship pitch. My Boots Travel Calm Tablets had an accompanying advice leaflet warning of possible side effects “which may include vomiting”. Oh – joy!’
Mrs Gloria Gillot, Cambridge,
The Times
Sign seen outside a hotel near Blackpool by Thelma Hawes of Southampton: ‘Please Be Careful When Reve Your C’. The rest of the sign has been broken off, presumably by a reversing car.
Daily Mail
Sign above a men’s urinal in York: ‘RELAX. Help is at hand. Please ask a member of staff if you can’t find what you are looking for or need a suggestion.’
Spotted by Ian Davis, Daily Mail
A Wacky Warnings Label Contest produced these gems:
On a fish hook: ‘Harmful if swallowed.’
On a toboggan: ‘May develop high speed under certain snow conditions.’
On a CD storage rack: ‘Do not use as a ladder.’
On a bottle of bleach: ‘If you do not understand or cannot read all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.’ Independent on Sunday
James Whitworth, of Eastbourne, noticed ‘the pompous wording’ on the vehicle taking away his rubbish and wondered how the songwriter would have managed ‘My old man’s a recycling collection operator’.
Daily Telegraph
Warning on a pamphlet about birth control: ‘Reproduction forbidden without our written consent.’
Tony Rich, Bristol, Reader’s Digest
Sign on the stairs at Gidea Park, Essex, railway station: ‘Caution. Do not run on the stairs. Use the hand rail.’
E D Spink, Hornchurch, Essex, Daily Mail
Spotted on a package of frozen turkey breasts: ‘Can be cooked from frozen. If cooking from frozen please defrost in the fridge.’
Clare Day, Northampton, Daily Mail
A ‘Male Toilet’ sign seen at Hever Castle in Kent points to a battered tin bucket.
Mrs T Holley, Kent, Daily Mail
Sign in a jeweller’s shop in the West Midlands: ‘Tight rings removed while you wait.’
The Financial Times
‘At our local community refuse tip there is a sign saying: “If you can’t read, please ask for assistance.”’
Stuart Gray, Reader’s Digest
There’s an estate agency called Doolittle and Dalley in Bridgnorth, Shropshire.
Spotted by R J Kerridge of Worthing,
West Sussex, Daily Mail
When she was a child Catherine Pease-Watkin was always somewhat alarmed by a sign at a local hospital in Yorkshire: ‘White Hart Hospital. Guard Dogs Operating.’
Independent
‘Marks & Spencer used to supply bags bearing the legend: “To avoid suffocation keep away from children.”’
Elizabeth Monkhouse NW, London, Independent
‘To add to your letters on misleading signs, I certainly won’t be returning in a hurry to a pub in North Yorkshire which had a notice: “Try our delicious home made pies – you’ll never get better.”’
Ian Beresford, Stockport, Cheshire, Independent
Sign on a bulk carrier seen on the A23 in Sussex: ‘Non-hazardous food.’
Daily Telegraph
Sign outside a camping shop in Lytham, Lancashire: ‘Now is the season of our discount tents.’
Daily Telegraph
An information slip from Oxted Library:
Easter Opening Times 2003
Good Friday 18 April 2003 – Closed
Saturday 19 April 2003 – Closed
Easter Sunday 20 April 2003 – Closed
Monday 21 April 2003 – Closed Tony Duckworth, Oxted, Surrey, The Times
Sign in a hospital waiting room: ‘Books 20p each. Pay at reception as honesty box has been stolen.’
W J Brookes, Redditch, Worcestershire, Daily Mail
