Читать книгу You Really Couldn't Make It Up: More Hilarious-But-True Stories From Around Britain - Jack Crossley - Страница 6
ОглавлениеMan hospitalised by milk float – driven by dog …
A man went into Leeds Infirmary for a heart by-pass. Part of a leg vein was removed to replace a blocked artery. This meant that a tattoo on his leg, which used to read ‘I love women’, ended up reading ‘I love men’.
Independent on Sunday
Message seen on a wall at a Middlesex Hospital: ‘The only difference between this place and the Titanic is that they had a band.’
Guardian
Health advice – Beryl Bainbridge style: ‘It takes too long to get tight on champagne. On whisky it takes me only five minutes. Giving up smoking would kill me.’
Independent
‘First there was a report saying that going to the pub is good for the mind. In a second blow to the health police, my dentist tells me that smoking makes your fillings last longer.’
Jeremy Clarkson’s column in the Sun
At the age of 105 Dolly Jackson, of Hereford, said that she started smoking when she was 14 – but was giving it up to help her live longer.
News of the World
The West Country Ambulance Service received a barrage of ridiculous calls over the 2003–04 festive season, including those from:
A woman who was lonely and wanted a cuddle.
A couple who wanted someone to fetch logs from their shed.
A man scared of thunder.
Someone who had lost the TV remote control. Western Morning News.
In one recent year almost one million people were admitted to UK hospitals as a result of unfortunate and often unusual incidents (costing the NHS some £1bn). Department of Health statistics show that:
51 people were bitten or crushed by reptiles.
22 were bitten by a rat.
190 had ‘come into contact with plant thorns, spines and sharp leaves’.
369 had fallen foul of lawnmowers.
3,038 were injured through ‘contact with a non-powered hand drill’.
389 were admitted after crashing their bicycle into a stationary object.
31 children under 14 got on a motorcycle and crashed into a car.
24 were burned by ‘ignition or melting of nightwear’.
754 were scalded by hot tap water.
189 needed treatment after ‘foreign objects’ were accidentally left in their bodies during surgical and medical care.
Lightning struck 65 times – but not in the same place twice. The Times/Evening Standard
‘As a medical student I was baffled by the abbreviation BNOR, but discovered from a nurse in the obstetric unit that it meant: “Bowels not opened regularly.”’
Bernard Gaston, Hale, Cheshire, The Times
A 75-year-old man was treated for a knee injury in a Wirral hospital after being hit by a milk float being ‘driven by a dog’.
Guardian
As a retired vet I have also come across useful acronyms. DMITO stands for ‘dog more intelligent than owner’.
Mike Godsal, Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire, The Times
To celebrate the 75th anniversary of the discovery of penicillin the Royal Society of Chemistry wants to find the most spectacular growth of grunge in a forgotten coffee mug. Staff in offices, factories and other work places are being asked to submit photos of the muckiest mugs in Britain. ‘Send pictures, not the mugs,’ pleads the Society.
Independent
Amid stories of unhygienic hospitals, I A Olsen of Aberdeen writes to The Times: ‘The quest for cleanliness can have unforeseen circumstances.
Queen Victoria is reputed to have indignantly dismissed a doctor who carefully washed his hands – after he had examined her.’
Stephen Brown got a phone call when he was on holiday in Spain telling him that his mother was ill and an ambulance had been called to take her into hospital. He flew back and got to Derby General Hospital before his mother did. She had had to wait more than eight hours before the ambulance arrived.
The Times
Doctors in Leeds have told student Ashley Clarke, 18, to eat as much junk food and drink as much beer as he likes to combat a rare medical disorder – vasovagal syncope syndrome. A high-fat, salty diet of chips, crisps and chocolate helps to fur up extra wide arteries.
The Times/Sun
A Liverpool doctor accused of groping an expectant mother’s breasts told her: ‘You could feed a street with those.’
Sun
A man who broke a tooth filling telephoned the NHS Dentaline, in Medway, Kent, and was told he was not in enough pain to justify an out-of-hours consultation. Use Blu-tack as a temporary filling, they said. A spokesman explained later: ‘Chewing gum is also acceptable as a temporary filling.’
Daily Mail
‘We have black cabinet ministers, judges and doctors, but apparently only false limbs for white people.’ Black woman Ingrid Nicholls who was offered a white artificial leg because black ones were not available on the NHS,
The Times
Warning on an over-the-counter medicine: ‘Do not take this medicine if you suffer from kidney disease or have difficulty urinating unless advised to do so by your doctor.’
Keith Griffiths, Wakefield, West Yorkshire, Daily Mail
A Times reader suffering from slight tendonitis of the upper arm reports that the leaflet accompanying his prescription painkillers warns that possible side-effects might include: ‘Blood disorders, bronchospasms, chest pain, congestive heart failure, constipation, diarrhoea, dizziness, double vision, drowsiness, faintness, fits, fluid retention, giddiness, hair loss, headaches, hearing loss, heartburn, hepatitis, hypertension, hypotension, impotence, inflammation of the colon, inflammation of the pancreas, inflammation of the tongue, jaundice, loss of appetite, loss of memory, loss of weight, mood changes, mouth ulcers, nightmares, palpitations, pneumonitis, skin rashes, sleeplessness, stiff neck, stomach ulcers, swollen ankles, tinnitus, vasculitis and vertigo.’
Still, writes Bob Papworth, of Berkshire, my arm should get better.
The Times
Readers’ letters in The Times told of worrying warnings of possible side-effects that came with their medicines.
One – on quinine sulphur tablets for night cramp – ‘concludes with the somewhat alarming possibilities of “kidney damage, changes to blood cells, low blood pressure, coma and death”.’
Another, prescribed for a persistent sore throat and cough, lists possible side-effects that include: ‘a mild sore throat, coughing and hoarseness.’ The reader writes that her condition did not improve ‘and I am at a loss to know whether the prescription is not working or I am now suffering the side-effects’.
A nurse celebrated New Year’s Day 2004 locked in a lavatory at a nursing home near Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk. Friends passed a straw through the keyhole of the lavatory door to allow her to celebrate with a drink as the chimes of midnight struck. Then firemen arrived to rescue her.
Western Morning News
When Dorothy Fletcher from Liverpool had a heart attack while flying to America for her daughter’s wedding a stewardess asked: ‘Is there a doctor on board?’ Fifteen overhead lights went on – because the flight was full of cardiologists on their way to a conference. ‘They saved my life,’ said Mrs Fletcher. After three days convalescing she was up and about in time for the wedding.
Daily Mirror
Gardening is the ultimate danger sport. One in five of all accidents occur in or around the garden. In 2002, 62,500 adults needed hospital treatment following a gardening mishap. The Prince of Wales needed a hernia operation after injuring himself at Highgrove.
Daily Telegraph
On Christmas Day, a Hampshire GP got a call from a patient: ‘I’m on antibiotics. Can I wash my hair?’
This was among a collection of witless out-of-hours calls collected by Pulse magazine. Others included:
‘Can the dog be treated on the NHS?’
‘I’m doing a crossword. How do you spell eczema?’
‘How many calories are there in prawns?’ Independent on Sunday
When a patient in a specialist ward in Wakefield, Yorkshire, fell ill with a chest infection, nurses had to dial 999 for an ambulance to take him to the Accident and Emergency Ward – 150 yards away. Routine procedure made it necessary to get the 80-year-old readmitted as a new patient. A hospital spokeswoman said: ‘I accept it must seem quite odd, but the doctors in A&E are trained to find out what’s wrong. We apologise.’
Sun
A 19-year-old asylum seeker facing deportation was granted a reprieve after claiming that he will fall victim to a witch doctor’s spell if returned to Africa.
Daily Mail
A faith healer targeted his powers on a deaf woman during a ‘miracle healing crusade’ at Brampton Speke, Devon. Afterwards he had to shout at her repeatedly to ask if she could hear better.
Exeter Express and Echo
Twenty-six-year-old Becky Nyang from Reading almost died when lightning hit metal studs in her mouth. She reported getting blisters on her feet where the lightning bolt exited.
Daily Mail
When old soldier Bill Edwards sent his artificial leg to the repairers … the Post Office lost it. A search through undelivered parcels unearthed two false legs. Neither of them were Bill’s.
Sunday Express
A Scarborough schoolteacher went to hospital for treatment after being hit by a boot thrown by a pupil during a welly-throwing contest.
Yorkshire Evening Post
When I saw a man collapse in the street I stopped my car and ran to give him cardio-pulmonary resuscitation. A traffic warden approached and I asked him to call an ambulance – but he said that wasn’t his job and gave me a ticket.
Debra Selinger W1, London, Daily Mail
An Essex hospital put both the arms of a two-year-old boy in plaster – because they forgot which one he had broken.
News of the World
DIY is deadly dangerous. Every year there are around 70 deaths and 250,000 serious accidents involving DIY, reports a survey. And one in ten of us has to spend over £1,000 rectifying bodged efforts.
One man dislodged guttering when retrieving his son’s kite. He climbed a ladder to fix the guttering. While he was up there the family budgie escaped through a bedroom window and distracted the DIY enthusiast. He ended up as part of the hapless 250,000.
The Times
