Читать книгу You Really Couldn't Make It Up: More Hilarious-But-True Stories From Around Britain - Jack Crossley - Страница 8

When Peter Mandelson asked Gordon Brown for 10p to phone a friend, the Chancellor replied: ‘Here’s 20p – phone all of them.’

The Times

Peter Rushton, of Hyde, Cheshire, recalled an ancient joke from the satirical puppet show Spitting Image: ‘Margaret Thatcher’s Cabinet were in a restaurant. She ordered her main course and was asked: “What about the vegetables, ma’am?”

‘“They’ll have the same,” she replied.’

Daily Telegraph

House of Lords amendment on the Sexual Offences Bill: ‘Page 32, line 1. Leave out “genitals”. Insert “penis”.’

Sunday Times

‘There’s an old and no doubt unreliable story about Churchill and Sir Stafford Cripps, socialist member of the War Cabinet. Cripps was badgering Churchill about something and sent a civil servant to him with a message. Churchill was in the toilet and sent the civil servant back with the message that he could deal only with one shit at a time.’

Andrew Marr, Daily Telegraph

The late Earl of Arran introduced two Private Member’s Bills into the House of Lords. One was on badgers, the other on homosexuals. He allegedly told a friend: ‘When I spoke about badgers no one turned up. When I spoke about buggers, the place was packed.’ His friend replied: ‘There are very few badgers in the Lords.’

Daily Telegraph

‘The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP, they have run out of better ideas.’

Boris Johnson, Conservative MP for Henley, Daily Telegraph

‘Three years ago the Cabinet Office published its stultifyingly dull “Code of Practice on Written Consultation”. Now the minions of the Cabinet Office have launched a public consultation of the Code. A consultation on consulting. Not even Yes Minister went this far.’

Observer Pendennis column

A Sunday Telegraph correspondent revealed that a nickname for Robin Cook was PB – after Panurus biarmicus (bearded tit). Reader S G Clifford of Telford, Shropshire discovered from his bird encyclopaedia that the bearded tit is a member of the babbler family.

Sunday Telegraph

‘On being appointed leader of the Conservative Party, Michael Howard said that Tory MPs should not forget that the syllable at the heart of the party’s name is “serve” – overlooking the fact that the first syllable is “con”.’

Andrew Pierce, The Times

‘I was standing in the hall when a leaflet dropped through my letterbox saying: “Unfortunately there was no reply when Edwina Hart, your Labour candidate called today. We hope we can count on your support in the Assembly Election.”’

Lyn Thomas, Swansea, The Times

Tony Blair was 50 on 6 May 2003 and the Daily Telegraph printed ‘50 good things about the man’. No. 1 on their list was: ‘He reads the Daily Telegraph.’

No. 1 on the Daily Mail’s list of ‘50 facts about the Premier’ was: ‘His nickname at Fettes College was Miranda, because of his fresh face and long hair.’ No. 30 was: ‘His children call him Lionel.’ No. 50 was: ‘He sang in the cathedral choir during his time at Durham Choristers’ Preparatory School, where he was nicknamed Smiling Boy.’

The Telegraph signed off their 50-good things with: ‘Regular readers may be pleased to know that a list of 50 not-so-good things about the Prime Minister would be a lot harder to do – there’s such a lot to choose from. All the same, Happy Birthday, Mr Blair. Tomorrow normal service is resumed.’

Responding to reports that somebody had scribbled insulting graffiti on a House of Commons table, Gordon Elliot, of Selborne, Hampshire, asked in the Independent: ‘Are you sure that the inscription didn’t read: “Tony Blair is a cult”?’

Since House of Commons committees began meeting at the new early time of 8.55 a.m., MPs are calling for a tea-trolley service. A Commons Early Day Motion states that MPs need the ‘stimulation and refreshment of a reviving cup of tea’. Labour MP Stephen Pound said: ‘I like tea so strong you can trot a mouse across its surface.’

Daily Mail

At a Downing Street reception Lady Thatcher took great delight in showing visitors where she had seated Giscard when he was the French president – directly opposite portraits of Nelson and Wellington.

Independent

Former Labour leader Michael Foot was criticised for wearing a ‘donkey jacket’ at the Cenotaph Remembrance Service in 1981. In an interview just before his 90th birthday he said: ‘It wasn’t a donkey jacket. It was a perfectly respectable green coat. The Queen Mother liked it very much… I’ve got quite a few donkey jackets now, because lots of people send them to me in the post.’

Daily Telegraph

‘Perhaps I could visit Harrogate and lounge on that beach this summer.’ Thus spake Education Secretary Charles Clarke in the Commons, forgetting that the Yorkshire spa town is landlocked and 70 miles from the nearest coast.

Daily Telegraph

At the height of Victorian power and prosperity in 1851 the government employed 1,628 civil servants. In 2003 the government employed a total of 516,000.

Daily Mail

An entry in the House of Commons Register of Members’ Interests from shadow foreign secretary Michael Ancram, covering his visit to China: ‘The cost of my flights were met by the Conservative Party and all hotel accommodation was provided by courtesy of the Chinese Communist Party.’

Independent

‘My seven-year-old niece’s autograph book was sent to No.10 and she received a photograph of the Prime Minister with a facsimile signature. She read out to us the accompanying note and it came out as: “A photograph of the Prime Minister with a fake smile.”’

Nigel Swann, Derbyshire, Daily Telegraph

As a result of his statue of Lady Thatcher being brutally beheaded, sculptor Neil Simmons has found new customers making odd requests: ‘I now give people the option of the piece headless or with a head. There are two prices – with or without.’

Independent

In August 2003 Tony Blair overtook Clement Attlee as the longest continuously serving Labour prime minister. There were many fond stories about Clem, who had a reputation for modesty:

 As Roy Hattersley reminds us: ‘To Clem Attlee spin was what you put on a cricket ball. He only agreed to have a telex machine at No.10 after he was told that he could get test match scores on it.’

 Attlee penned this jingle about himself: ‘Few thought he was even a starter, There were many who thought themselves smarter, But he ended PM, CH and OM, An Earl and a Knight of the Garter.’

 Churchill quipped: ‘He had much to be modest about.’ Keith Waterhouse’s column, Daily Mail

Lamenting the decline of such traditional British qualities as showing a stiff upper lip in the face of triumph or disaster, Leo McKinstry recalls how the modest former prime minister Clem Attlee and his wife drove themselves around the country during election campaigns – taking their own home-made sandwiches.

Daily Mail

Once, outside a polling station, Attlee was asked if he had a message for the British people.

‘No’ was his wonderfully honest reply – a contrast to the self-important spin of modern politicians.

Daily Mail

‘When he was prime minister, Jim Callaghan was guest of honour at a lunch in Blackpool. The waitress serving him tipped a leg of lamb with gravy into the lap of his immaculate suit. “Thank you, my dear,” said the PM. “But shouldn’t you have served Mrs Callaghan first?”’

Keith Waterhouse, Daily Mail

When Gladstone was busy saving loose women from the streets, Disraeli said: ‘I wish he’d save one for me.’

John Mortimer, Daily Mail

Tony Benn wanted to present his voluminous diaries to the British Library, but they could not afford to have them indexed. He applied to a charity for a grant to pay for his diaries to be available at the Library. ‘But you’re still alive,’ they objected.

Mr Benn told the Cheltenham Literary Festival: ‘I wasn’t prepared to make that sacrifice.’

Independent

A briefing note for US journalists covering President George W Bush’s visit to Australia tells them that in 1996 ‘a Liberal/National Party coalition came to power under Prime Minister John Major’.

Observer

Baroness Thatcher once told Douglas Hurd that she hadn’t thought much of the three people who stood for election as Tory leader after she had lost the job. She had forgotten that Hurd was himself one of them.

BBC online news magazine

Dennis Thatcher – ‘the first man to be married to a British prime minister’ – died on 26 June 2003. Tributes to him included:

 ‘He hardly ever spoke in public and refused to give interviews, saying: ‘It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt.’ Daily Mail

 When asked how he liked to relax the millionaire industrialist Sir Denis said: ‘When I am not pissed, I like to play a lot of golf.’ Independent

 The received wisdom now is that he was far from being a gin-soaked old bigot … but, as he once put it to his wife when she queried his request for a stiff drink on a morning flight to Scotland: ‘My dear, it is never too early for a gin and tonic.’ Simon Hoggart, Guardian

 Margaret was seen going out to buy bacon for Denis and a permanent secretary said there were plenty of people who would be glad to do that for her. ‘No, the bacon had to be just as he liked it, and only she knew what he liked.’ W F Deedes, the ‘Dear Bill’ of Private Eye’s famous satire, in a tribute to his close friend. Daily Telegraph

Tony Blair wanted MP Ronnie Campbell’s opinion of a speech he was going to make. The speech was e-mailed by mistake to a hairdresser with the same name. Crimper Campbell replied: ‘It’s very good. Just go ahead with it.’

Independent

In a survey which asked people to choose which characters best represented loyalty, Winston Churchill beat the Queen to the top spot. Tony Blair scored less highly than Lassie, Jess (Postman Pat’s cat), Skippy the Bush Kangaroo and Mr Darcy from Pride and Prejudice.

The Times

For his State visit to Britain US President George W Bush brought along 250 Secret Service men, 150 National Security Department advisers, 200 government representatives, 50 political aides, 100 journalists, his personal chef, four cooks, a 15-strong sniffer-dog team and his armoured limousines.

Daily Telegraph

Former foreign secretary Robin Cook has a stuffed stoat on his desk at the House of Commons. Apparently he has moved it around from desk to desk for years. The stoat has startled many visitors who, at first, think it is alive.

The Times

Health minister Lord Warner said that 900,000 people were on incapacity benefit because they were clinically obese, costing the taxpayer £70,965,00. The real figures were 900 fatties costing £70,965. His department apologised for an administrative error.

Daily Telegraph

The Ministry of Defence spent more than £600m settling compensation claims in 2003. Some of it was paid out on a parrot that was startled by a jet fighter. The bird fell off its perch, broke both legs and the claim included a vet’s bill for supplying two splints. Fifty-one thousand pounds went to six people who fell out of bed.

Soldier Magazine

Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott has a furry gonk dangling from the computer in his office. On his desk there is a biscuit tin that calls out ‘Keep away from the cookie jar’ when opened. The Sunday Times’ comment: ‘You don’t have to be mad to work there, but it clearly helps.’

During the row about checks on asylum seekers being too lax, opposition leader Michael Howard raised a laugh by saying that one of the tens of thousands of immigrants waved through was a one-legged Bulgarian who claimed to be coming to Britain to work as a roof tiler.

Sun

Paul Goggins, Labour MP for Wythenshawe and Sale East and junior minister with responsibility for prisons, seemed doomed to live out his political life in the shadows. But during a radio interview it was not prison policies that excited listeners. It was the minister’s name. Was it possible that he had anything to do with the great Mrs Goggins, who runs the village post office in Postman Pat? Sure enough. Author John Cunliffe was a friend of Goggins’ uncle Edmund and borrowed the family name. As the Daily Telegraph said in a learned leader on 26 January 2004: ‘Hoons and Hains may come and go. But Mr Goggins’s fame will live for ever.’

Fears that Blackpool may fail to attract future party political conferences sparked a mixture of emotions. In a longish list of things he will miss, Simon Hoggart wrote in the Guardian of the friendliness of the resort, its sensible and convenient trams and sole Veronique and lobster thermidor served with tea and bread and butter.

His ‘Won’t Miss’ list included its soggy fish and chips and beef sandwiches he described as hot gristle in a bun. He also wished that Yates’s Wine Lodge still served champagne on draft even though ‘it tasted like sparkling battery acid’.