Читать книгу Memoir of Mrs. Ann H. Judson - James Davis Knowles - Страница 10

CHAPTER V.

Mr. and Mrs. Judson, and Mr. Rice, become Baptists—Mr. Rice returns to America—Mr. and Mrs. J. sail for Madras—Arrive at Rangoon.

We have deferred, until this time, any account of the change of opinion respecting Baptism, which Mr. and Mrs. Judson and Mr. Rice experienced soon after their arrival in India. The event is interesting in itself, and in its consequences ; for it resulted in the establishment of the Burman Mission, and in the formation of the Baptist General Convention in the United States. The great Head of the Church seems to have made this a leading event in that series of causes which aroused the Baptist churches in America, to the duty of engaging in Foreign Missions.

The progress of this change in the opinions of Mr. and Mrs. J. will be related, without comment, in their own words. It is due to them to prove, undeniably, that it was the result of a thorough and deliberate investigation ; that it was a simple obedience to the power of what they believed to be the truth ; and that it cost them sacrifices of feeling and of interest, of which persons less pious would have been incapable. From Mrs. Judson’s journal and letters a few extracts will be made, which will sufficiently establish these points :

“Isle of France—Port Louis, Feb. 14, 1813.

“I will now, my dear parents and sisters, give you some account of our change of sentiment, relative to the subject of Baptism, which took place about this time. Mr. Judson’s doubts commenced while on our passage from America. While translating the New Testament, in which he was engaged, he used frequently to say, that the Baptists were right in their mode of administering the ordinance. Knowing he should meet the Baptists at Serampore, he felt it important to attend to it more closely, to be able to defend his sentiments. After our arrival at Serampore, his mind for two or three weeks was so much taken up with missionary inquiries and our difficulties with government. as to prevent his attending to the subject of baptism. But as we were waiting the arrival of our brethren, and having nothing in particular to attend to, he again took up the Subject. I tried to have him give it up, and rest satisfied in his old sentiments, and frequently told him if he became a Baptist, I would not. He, however, said he felt it his duty to examine closely a subject on which he had so many doubts. After we removed to Calcutta, he found in the library in our chamber, many books on both sides, which he determined to read candidly and prayerfully, and to hold fast, or embrace the truth, however mortifying, however great the sacrifice. I now commenced reading oh the subject, with all my prejudices on the Pedobaptist side. We had with us Dr. Worcester’s, Dr. Austin’s, Peter Edwards’, and other Pedobaptist writings. But after closely examining the subject for several weeks, we were constrained to acknowledge that the truth appeared to lie on the Baptists’ side. It was extremely trying to reflect on the consequences of our becoming Baptists. We knew it would wound and grieve our dear Christian friends in America—that we should lose their approbation and esteem. We thought it probable the Commissioners would refuse to support us,—and what was more distressing than any thing, we knew we must be separated from our missionary associates, and go alone to some heathen land. These things were very trying to us, and caused our hearts to bleed for anguish. We felt we had no home in this world, and no friend, but each other. Our friends at Serampore were extremely surprised when we wrote them a letter requesting baptism, as they had known nothing of our having had any doubts on the subject. We were baptized on the 6th of September, in the Baptist chapel in Calcutta. Mr. J. preached a sermon at Calcutta on this subject soon after we were baptized, which, in compliance with the request of a number who heard it, he has been preparing for the press. Brother Rice was baptized several weeks after we were. It was a very great relief to our minds to have him join us, as we expected to be entirely alone in a mission.”

The day after her baptism, she wrote to her parents a further account of the progress of their inquiries on the subject, and mentions some additional particulars :

“Mr. J. resolved to examine it candidly and prayerfully, let the result be what it would. No one in the mission family knew the state of his mind, as they never conversed with any of us on this subject. I was very fearful he would become a Baptist, and frequently suggested the unhappy consequences if he should. He always answered, that his duty compelled him to examine the subject, and he hoped he should have a disposition to embrace the truth, though he paid dear for it. I always took the Pedobaptists’ side in reasoning with him, although I was as doubtful of the truth of their system as he. After we came to Calcutta, he devoted his whole time to reading on this subject, having obtained the best authors on both sides. After having examined and re-examined the subject, in every way possible, and comparing the sentiments of both Baptists and Pedobaptists with the Scriptures, he was compelled, from a conviction of the truth, to embrace those of the former. I confined my attention almost entirely to the Scriptures, compared the Old with the New Testament, and tried to find something to favour infant baptism, but was convinced it had no foundation there. I examined the covenant of circumcision, and could see no reason for concluding that baptism was to be administered to children, because circumcision was. Thus, my dear parents and sisters, we are both confirmed Baptists, not because we wished to be, but because truth compelled us to be. A renunciation of our former sentiments has caused us more pain, than any thing which ever happened to us through our lives.”

Several extracts from her journal will more fully disclose her feelings at this time, and will show how reluctantly she came to the result :

“Aug. 10. Besides the trials occasioned by the orders of government, I see another heavy trial just coming upon me. Mr. J.’s mind has been for some time much exercised in regard to baptism. He has been lately examining the subject more closely. All his prejudices are in favour of Pedobaptism; but he wishes to know the truth, and be guided in the path of duty. If he should renounce his former sentiments, he must offend his friends at home, hazard his reputation, and, what is still more trying, be separated from his missionary associates.

“23. I have been much distressed the week past, in view of the probable separation between our missionary brethren and ourselves. Mr. J. feels convinced from Scripture, that he has never been baptized, and that he cannot conscientiously administer baptism to infants. This change of sentiment must necessarily produce a separation. As we are perfectly united with our brethren in every other respect, and are much attached to them, it is inexpressibly painful to leave them, and go alone to a separate station. But every sacrifice that duty requires, must be made. I do not myself feel satisfied on the subject of baptism, having never given it a thorough examination. But I see many difficulties in the Pedobaptist theory, and must acknowledge that the face of Scripture does favour the Baptist sentiments. I intend to persevere in examining the subject, and hope that I shall be disposed to embrace the truth, whatever it may be. It is painfully mortifying to my natural feelings, to think seriously of renouncing a system which I have been taught from infancy to believe and respect, and embrace one which I have been taught to despise. O that the Spirit of God may enlighten and direct my mind—may prevent my retaining an old error, or embracing a new one !

“Sept. 1. I have been examining the subject of baptism for some time past, and, contrary to my prejudices and my wishes, am compelled to believe, that believers’ baptism alone is found in Scripture. If ever I sought to know the truth ; if ever I looked up to the Father of lights ; if ever I gave up myself to the inspired word, I have done so during this investigation. And the result is, that, laying aside my former prejudices and systems, and fairly appealing to the Scriptures, I feel convinced that nothing really can be said in favour of infant baptism or sprinkling. We expect soon to be baptized. O may our hearts be prepared for that holy ordinance ! and as we are baptized into a profession of Christ, may we put on Christ, and walk worthy of the high vocation wherewith we are called. But in consequence of our performance of this duty, we must make some very painful sacrifices. We must be separated from our dear missionary associates, and labour alone in some isolated spot. We must expect to be treated with contempt, and cast off by many of our American friends—forfeit the character we have in our native land, and probably have to labour for our own support, wherever we are stationed. O, our heavenly Father, wilt thou be our friend. Wilt thou protect us, enable us to live to thy glory, and make us useful in some retired part of this eastern world, in leading a few precious souls to embrace that Saviour whom we love and desire to serve.

“5. Every week and day convinces me of the goodness and care of my Heavenly Father. When prospects are dark and gloomy, when my soul is cast down with distressing apprehensions, he leads me to feel my dependence on him, and lean on the bosom of Infinite Love. I am now willing to acquiesce in the divine dealings with us, and go alone with Mr. J. to that place which Providence shall direct. I feel confident that Jesus will go with us, and direct our steps; and in that case, it is of little consequence whether we have more or less society. When I consider how short my life will probably be, and how soon the eternal world will open to my view, I wonder at myself for having had so much anxiety about the place where, and the circumstances in which, I shall spend these few days. O for a true missionary spirit, and a willingness to suffer all things for the cause of Christ.

“Oct. 2. Have had an uncommon sense of divine things, for some time past, and found great consolation in committing all my concerns into the hands of a faithful God. For several days, ray mind has been so much impressed with the goodnes of God, that I could not help repeating to myself, How good is God ! O for such an habitual sense of his moral perfections as banishes all anxiety and distrust !

“Nov. 1, Sabbath. Another opportunity of celebrating the love of Jesus at his table. It has been a sweet season to my soul, a season of renewed dedication of myself to his service. I never saw a more striking display of the love of God, than was manifested in those who came around the communion table, and who have been emphatically called from the highways and hedges—Hindoos and Portuguese, Armenians and Musselmans, could join with Europeans and Americans, in commemorating the dying love of Jesus. Surely nothing but divine grace could have removed prejudices, early and inveterate, from the minds of these different characters, and united them in the same sentiments and pursuits.

“Brother Rice was this day baptized. He has been examining the subject for some time, and finally became convinced that it was his duty to be baptized in Christ’s appointed way. I consider it a singular favour, that God has given us one of our brethren to be our companion in travels, our associate and fellow-labourer in missionary work.”

Mr. Judson, in a letter to Dr. Bolles, of Salem, dated Calcutta, Sept. 1, 1812, says:

“Within a few months, I have experienced an entire change of sentiments on the subject of Baptism. My doubts concerning the correctness of ray former system of belief, commenced during my passage from America to this country; and after many painful trials, which none can know, but those who are taught to relinquish a system in which they had been educated, I settled down in the full persuasion, that the immersion of a professing believer in Christ is the only Christian baptism.

“Mrs. Judson is united with me in this persuasion. We have signified our views and wishes to the Baptist Missionaries at Serampore, and expect to be baptized in this city next Lord’s day.

“A separation from my missionary brethren, and a dissolution of my connexion with the Board of Commissioners, seem to be necessary consequences. The Missionaries at Serampore are exerting themselves to the utmost of their ability, in managing and supporting their extensive and complicated mission.

“Under these circumstances, I look to you. Alone, in this foreign, heathen land, I make my appeal to those whom, with their permission, I will call my Baptist brethren in the United States.”

The Baptist Missionaries at Serampore had no agency in producing this change. Dr. Carey, in a letter to Dr. Staughton, dated Oct. 20, 1812, says:

“Since their arrival in Bengal, brother and sister Judson have been baptized. Judson has since that preached the best sermon upon Baptism that I ever heard on the subject, which we intend to print.* I yesterday heard that brother Rice had also fully made up his mind upon baptism.

“As none of us had conversed with brother Judson before he showed strong symptoms of a tendency towards believers’ baptism, I inquired of him what had occasioned the change. He told me, that on the voyage, he had thought much about the circumstance that he was coming to Serampore, where all were Baptists ; that he should, in all probability, have occasion to defend infant sprinkling among us ; and that in consequence, he set himself to examine into the grounds of Pedobaptism. This ended in a conviction, that it has no foundation in the Word of God, and occasioned a revolution in his sentiments, which was nearly complete before he arrived in India. He mentioned his doubts and convictions to Mrs. J. which operated to her conviction also, and they were both of them publicly baptized at Calcutta. I expect, however, that he will give the account of this change in an appendix to his sermon, which will, of course, be more correct than my statement.

“Brother Rice was, on the voyage, thought by our brethren to be the most obstinate friend of Pedobaptism of any of the Missionaries. I cannot tell what has led to this change of sentiment, nor had I any suspicion of it till one morning, when he came before I was up, to examine my Greek Testament ; from some questions which he asked that morning, I began to suspect that he was inquiring ; but I yesterday heard that he was decidedly on the side of believers’ baptism. I expect, therefore, that he will soon be baptized.”

These extracts have been made, for the purpose of silencing for ever the imputation of unworthy motives, which some persons have attributed to these Missionaries. If a change of opinion was ever made deliberately and conscientiously, it was this. Every possible motive but the fear of God and the love of truth, impelled them in the opposite direction. To this subject, we shall not have occasion to recur.

Some extracts will now be given from Mrs. J.’s journal, beginning a short time before her arrival at the Isle of France.* Several of the facts to which she refers, have been already mentioned ; but these statements of her feelings will be read with more convenience and interest in a connected series :

“Dec. 20. Have enjoyed religion very little, since I came on board this vessel, (on the passage from Bengal to the Isle of France). In secret prayer, I am so much troubled with vain and wandering thoughts, and have so little sense of the divine presence, and so little enjoyment of God, that I know I am making no advances, in preparation for usefulness among the heathen. Yet in my dullest frames, the idea of finding myself in the midst of them at last, encourages me to hope, that God will finally make me useful, in enlightening and saving some of their precious souls.

“22. This day closes the twenty-third year of my life. I have been reflecting on the many favours I have received, and the ingratitude of which I have been guilty the past year ; and my heart has been uncommonly affected by the review. In the course of the past year, I have assumed a new name, and new relative duties—left my father’s house, the circle of my dear friends, my beloved native land—and have been safely conducted across the ocean. In these events, I would acknowledge the kind hand of my heavenly Father. In changing my name, he has allowed me to take the name of one, who loves the cause of Christ, and makes the promotion of it the business of his life—one, who is, in every respect, the most calculated to make me happy and useful, of all the persons I have ever seen. I would also acknowledge the hand of God, in supporting me through the trying scene of leaving my friends, and in making my voyage so comfortable and happy. Nor has our heavenly Father forsaken us, in this part of the world, but has raised us up friends in a strange land, has preserved our lives ánd our health, in an uncongenial climate, has led us to examine the truths of his word, and given us clearer views, than ever before, of the ordinances of his house. He has afflicted us, it is true ; but many favourable circumstances are not to be forgotten. And he is now carrying us to a land, where we have some hope of finding a home for life. When again I reflect on the returns I have made for so much kindness my heart sinks within me. I feel, that I have misused all the favours and privileges I have enjoyed, and though never under so great obligation, was never so guilty, so unworthy, so unqualified to serve him. But I renewedly commend myself to his mercy, and implore him to forgive my sins, to cleanse my pollutions, and enable me henceforth to live to him, and to him alone.

“30. Very light winds for several days. Make slow progress. Shall probably arrive at the Isle of France, in the most dangerous season, when there are frequent hurricanes and storms on the coast. I have been trying to feel willing to die, at any time, and under any circumstances, that God shall appoint. But I find my nature shrinks from the idea of being shipwrecked and sunk amid the waves. This shows me how unlike I am to those holy martyrs, who rejoiced to meet death, in the most horrid forms. I have enjoyed religion but little on board this ship, feeling an uncommon degree of slothfulness and inactivity. Spent some time, last evening, in prayer for awakening and restoring grace. I greatly feel the need of more confidence in God, and reliance on the Saviour, that when danger and death approach, I may composedly resign myself into his hands, and cheerfully wait his will.

“Jan. 17, 1813. Have at last arrived in port; but O what news, what distressing news ! Harriet is dead. Harriet, my dear friend, ray earliest associate in the Mission, is no more. O death ! thou destroyer of domestic felicity, could not this wide world afford victims sufficient to satisfy thy cravings, without entering the family of a solitary few, whose comfort and happiness depended much on the society of each other ? Could not this infant mission be shielded from thy shafts? But thou hast only executed the commission of a higher power. Though thou hast come, clothed in thy usual garb, thou was sent by a kind Father to release his child from toil and pain. Be still, then, my heart, and know that God has done it. Just and right are thy ways, O thou King of Saints ! Who would not fear thee ? Who would not love thee ?

“18. Brother Newell has just been on board. Poor, disconsolate, broken hearted widower! He has borne his afflictions alone, without a single Christian friend to comfort his heart. His feelings allow him to give us a few broken hints only of Harriet’s death. Poor girl, she suffered much. She became a mother on board ship, where she was exposed to the wet weather, and took a cold, which terminated in consumption. She died tranquil and happy, longing for the hour of her release. And she is happy now—all her trials over—all her tears wiped away. She is gone, and I am left behind, still to endure the trials of a missionary life. O that this severe dispensation may be sanctified to my soul ; and may I be prepared to follow my dear departed sister !

“23. No prospect of remaining long on this island. It seems as if there was no resting place for me on earth. O when will my wanderings terminate ? When shall I find some little spot, that I can call my home, while in this world ? Yet I rejoice in all thy dealings, O my heavenly Father ; for thou dost support me under every trial, and enable me to lean on thee. Thou dost make me feel the sweetness of deriving comfort from thee, when worldly comforts fail. Thou dost not suffer me to sink down in despondency, but enablest me to look forward with joy, to a state of heavenly rest and happiness. There I shall have to wander no more, suffer no more ; the face of Jesus will be unveiled, and I shall rest in the arms of love, through all eternity.

31. Sabbath. Was taken very ill during the night, but am now somewhat relieved. My illness has led me to think of death, and inquire whether I am prepared for that solemn event. I think I can say, that I feel happy in the prospect. And yet my heart feels a pang at the thought of leaving my dear husband to bear alone the trials and fatigues of a missionary life. I am willing, I should be thankful to live longer on his account, and for the sake also of labouring among the heathen. But the kind of life I lead, induces me to look at the grave with more composure than I otherwise should do, and appreciate the worth of that religion which can make us happy when stripped of earthly comforts—and happier still, in view of the eternal world.

“Mr. J. has gone to preach to the soldiers, and brother Rice to conduct worship in the hospital ; so that being quite alone, I have sought and enjoyed a precious season of prayer and communion with God. O for a closer walk with God, and more fervour in the performance of religious duties. O that I could fill up every moment with service acceptable to the dear Redeemer.

“Feb. 12. Some religious enjoyment, but guilty of much stupidity, hardness of heart, and wandering thoughts. Have felt some longing desires to be free from sin, and present with the Saviour. Formerly, I was very desirous of living a long life—death generally appeared as the king of terrors. But of late, I have wished that my pilgrimage would soon terminate ; and death and the grave have worn an inviting appearance. This change of feeling is not occasioned by any present distress or discontent with life, for my days are tranquil and happy. Perhaps these new desires are a prelude to my speedy departure from this world. O that this may be the case, and that I may, in this solemn transporting hour, adopt these lines of Watts;—

‘Joyful, with all the strength I have,

My quivering lips shall sing,

Where is thy boasted vict’ry, grave ?

And where’s the monster’s sting?’

“28. Had a special season of prayer this evening, to confess my sins, and bewail the depravity of my heart. Had some faint views of the infinite excellence of God, which caused me to mourn that I sinned so much against him, and to long for strength to vanquish my spiritual foes. Felt happy that God reigns ; that he has a church in this world, on which he has set his love, having redeemed it with the blood of his own dear Son. But O how seldom do I get near to God, or have any sense of divine things. At what a poor, low rate I live. If a Christian, surely I am the least, the vilest, entirely unworthy the notice of an infinite God. Yet Jesus can be honoured, in the salvation of one so mean, so unworthy. Divine grace will be more conspicuous, than in the salvation of those, who have less to be forgiven. I will still hope in thy merey, O infinite Redeemer—that thou wilt enable me to persevere in thy service, and finally save my sinful soul.

“March 7, Sabbath. I am alone, as usual, on the Sabbath. Have been spending the forenoon in self-examination and prayer. Much distressed on reviewing my exercises and feelings, for some days past. I see that I have greatly declined in religion ; have, less frequently than formerly, affecting views of my own sinfulness, and refreshing views of the divine character. O that I might live a more holy life ! I would be more watchful, more prayerful, more willing to deny myself, that I may live near to God ; but in my own strength I can do nothing. If Jesus is pleased to strengthen me, and give me a spirit of perseverance, it will be easy for me to keep his commandments. But if not, I shall wither and die ; I shall give up the contest, and my sins will come off conquerors. O Jesus, prevent it. My sins are thine enemies as well as mine. Let them not triumph over one, who humbly dares to hope that she loves thee, and who now gives herself entirely to thee. Thou wilt not, O my Saviour, desert me at last. Thou knowest I have left my native land, and the comforts of social life, from desire to serve thee, and comply with the clear dictates of duty. And now, when I have but few comforts left, O give me the enjoyment of thy presence. Give me thyself, and I ask no more. I will be satisfied with this as my portion in life, and my eternal portion beyond the grave.

“13. Brother Rice has just left us, and taken passage for America. Mr. J. and I are now entirely alone—not one remaining friend in this part of the world. The scenes through which we pass are calculated to remind us, that this world is not our home, and that we are fast verging towards the grave. No matter how soon we leave this world, if we only live to God, while where e live. In that case, to die is gain. Yet where e are willing, and even desirous to live a few years, that we may serve God among the heathen, and do something towards spreading a knowledge of the Saviour, in this benighted world.

“30. Have been confined to my bed for a fortnight past. God has mercifully carried me through a scene of great pain and weakness, and prevented many evils which my ignorance might have occasioned. May I be grateful for divine mercies received, and humbly devote to his service, the life he has spared, and the health and strength he has so far restored.

“I have felt a little revived of late, and long more than ever to get settled among the heathen, and begin to do something for the cause of Jesus. I feel that I have been too worldly-minded, too much concerned about my own comfort and convenience, and too indolent, since I have been engaged in my great undertaking. Resolved, through divine grace, to be more concerned for the prosperity of Zion, and to improve my time more diligently than I have ever done.

“April 10. Have just returned from Harriet’s grave—not able to visit it before, on account of the distance. The visit revived many painful, solemn feelings. But a little while ago, she was with us on board ship, and joined us daily in prayer and praise. Now her body is crumbling to dust, in a land of strangers, and her immortal spirit has doubtless joined the company of holy spirits around the throne, where she can sing in much more exalted strains, than when a prisoner here below. I was struck on beholding a large cross in the centre of the cemetery, higher than any of the grave-stones. This reminded me of the triumph of the cross over death and the grave, a triumph in which every saint will at last partake, and be crowned with eternal life. O how animating the thought, that Jesus has himself entered the grave, and opened a path to eternal glory. He is with his disciples when they enter the gloomy passage. He was with my dear departed sister. O may he be with me.

“23. I am astonished to find my thoughts so vain and worldly, when I have so little connexion with the world. Alas, I can do nothing for myself. I cannot, in my own strength, subdue one sinful feeling, or even think a good thought. But I see one, who is able to do all things. Yes, blessed Saviour, thy blood cleanseth from all sin, and if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. Vile and guilty as I am, on thee I hang all my hopes ; to thee I come for pardoning and sanctifying grace. O reject me not, cast me not off ; but glorify the riches of that grace, which can save a soul, so unholy, so undeserving.”

To her Sisters.

“Isle of France—Port Louis, March 12, 1813.

“My dear Sisters,