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MEMOIR.

CHAPTER I.

Mrs. Judson’s Birth, Education, and Conversion.

“I am a man, and feel a concern in every thing that relates to mankind,” was the generous sentiment of a Roman poet, which touched a kindred chord even in the bosoms of his iron-hearted countrymen. It is this universal sympathy which has always given a charm to biography. The earliest human compositions were narratives of the exploits and adventures of distinguished individuals. History, which has been called “philosophy teaching by example,” owes the greater part of its usefulness and interest, to its sketches of individual character, and its details of private conduct. And the inspired volume has this additional evidence of its origin from Him who knows what is in man, that a large portion of it consists of biography. The life and the death of many, both of the enemies and of the friends of God, are here recorded, to teach mankind, in the most emphatic manner, the happiness which springs from piety, and the folly of those who know not God, and obey not the Gospel.

It is remarkable, too, that Jehovah has thought proper to mention, in his word, with honourable commendation, many “holy women,” whose lives displayed the excellence of religion, and whose zeal in duty, firmness in suffering, and intrepidity in danger, entitle them to rank among the noble band, of whom the world was not worthy. The Bible, though written in a part of the earth where the female character is undervalued, is full of testimony to the moral and intellectual worth of woman. It is no small evidence of its divine origin, that it thus rises above a prejudice which seems to be universal, except where the Bible has dispelled it. Christianity alone teaches the true rank of women ; and secures to the loveliest and best portion of our race the respect and influence which belong to them.

But no precedent or argument is needed to justify the publication of a Memoir of Mrs. Judson. Those who have acquired any knowledge of her character are, it is believed, desirous to know more ; and all the friends of Missions must wish to trace the progress of a life which has been so closely connected with the history of the Burman Mission.

Mrs. Ann H. Judson was the daughter of Mr. John and Mrs. Rebecca Hasseltine. She was born December 22, 1789, at Bradford, (Massachusetts) where her venerable parents yet reside.

It has been said, that the character of men is formed by the education which they receive ; the companions among whom they are placed ; the pursuits to which they are led by inclination or necessity ; and the general circumstances of the situation into which accident or choice may have guided them.

This opinion, though doubtless it derives some plausibility from the undeniable effects of education, of example, and of the numberless other influences which affect the minds and the hearts of men, is yet untrue, in regard both to the intellectual and moral character. Neither the reason nor the affections are so obsequious to the power of external circumstances, as readily to take any new shape and direction.

There exist, without doubt, in the original structure of every mind, the distinctive elements of the future character. Favourable opportunities may be needed, to develope this character, but they cannot alone create it. The “village Hampden,” or the “mute inglorious Milton,” may exist, in many a hamlet ; and the call of an oppressed country, or the inspirations of learning, might arouse, and summon them forth to action, but could not bestow the noble patriotism of the one, or the genius of the other.

It is for this reason, that men feel a curiosity to learn something of the early years of individuals, distinguished either by uncommon qualities, or by remarkable actions. It seems to be thought, that such individuals must have exhibited, in childhood, some of the traits which marked their matured character. It gives no surprise to the admirers of Pope, to learn that he “lisped in numbers ;” and those who were charmed and moved by the eloquence of Massillon, or Whitefield, would readily believe, that the former was accustomed, while a boy, to repeat to his schoolfellows the sermons which he had heard ; and that the latter composed discourses while he served, at an early age, as the waiter at an inn.

The lamented individual, a sketch of whose life is attempted in the following pages, was known to the public, almost wholly as a missionary. But every one, who feels a concern to know what she did and suffered, in the performance of her public office, will be desirous to learn some facts relating to her early life, and some details of her personal history. These will naturally be expected to shed light on her public character, and to strengthen the interest with which her eventful course will be followed.

It is a cause of regret, that the means of gratifying this natural curiosity are so few and scanty. The reasons have already been explained, why no more of the productions of her pen have been preserved ; and the reader may easily imagine the difficulty of gathering the fugitive recollections which yet linger in the memory of her friends. From this source, however, a few facts have been collected.

In her earliest years, she was distinguished by activity of mind, extreme gaiety, a strong relish for social amusements, and unusually ardent feelings. She possessed that spirit of enterprise, that fertility in devising plans for the attainment of her wishes, and that indefatigable perseverance in the pursuit of her purposes, of which her subsequent life furnished so many examples, and created such frequent occasions. Her restless spirit, while a child, was often restrained by her mother ; and the salutary prohibitions which this excellent parent was sometimes forced to impose, occasioned so much grief, that Mrs. Hasseltine once said to her, “I hope, my daughter, you will one day be satisfied with rambling.”

An eager thirst for knowledge is commonly the attendant, and often the parent, of a restless, enterprising disposition. It was so in the case of Mrs. Judson. She loved learning, and a book could allure her from her favourite walks, and from the, gayest social circle. The desire for knowledge is often found in connexion with moderate intellectual faculties; and in such cases, with favourable opportunities, the individual may make a respectable proficiency in learning. But this desire is almost invariably an attribute of eminent mental powers; and the person thus happily endowed, needs nothing but industry and adequate means, to ensure the attainment of the highest degree of literary excellence.

Mrs. Judson’s mind was of a superior order. It was distinguished by strength, activity and clearness. She has, indeed, left no memorials, which can be produced, as fair specimens of her talents and literary acquirements. She wrote much, but her writings have perished, except letters and accounts of missionary proceedings, written without any design to exhibit her abilities, or display her learning. But no one can review her life, and read what she has written and published, without feeling that her mind possessed unusual vigour and cultivation.

She was educated at the Academy in Bradford, a seminary which has become hallowed by her memory, and by that of Mrs. Newell, the proto-martyr of the American Missions. Here she pursued her studies with much success. Her perceptions were rapid, her memory retentive, and her perseverance indefatigable. Here she laid the foundations of her knowledge, and here her intellect was stimulated, disciplined, and directed. Her preceptors and associates ever regarded her with respect and esteem ; and considered her ardent temperament, her decision and perseverance, and her strength of mind, as ominous of some uncommon destiny.

Her religious character, however, is of the most importance, in itself, and in connexion with her future life. The readers of this Memoir will feel the deepest concern, to trace the rise and progress of that spiritual renovation, and that divine teaching, which made her a disciple of the Saviour, and prepared her for her labours in his service.

Of this momentous change, the following account, written by herself, has happily been rescued from the fate which befel the greater part of her private journals ;—

“During the first sixteen years of ray life, I very seldom felt any serious impressions, which I think were produced by the Holy Spirit. I was early taught by my mother (though she was then ignorant of the nature of true religion) the importance of abstaining from those vices, to which children are liable—as telling falsehoods, disobeying my parents, taking what was not my own, &c. She also taught me, that if I were a good child, I should, at death, escape that dreadful hell, the thought of which sometimes filled me with alarm and terror. I, therefore, made it a matter of conscience to avoid the above-mentioned sins, to say my prayers night and morning, and to abstain from my usual play on the Sabbath, not doubting, but that such a course of conduct would ensure my salvation.

“At the age of twelve or thirteen, I attended the academy at Bradford, where I was exposed to many more temptations than before, and found it much more difficult to pursue my Pharisaical method. I now began to attend balls and parties of pleasure, and found my mind completely occupied with what I daily heard were “innocent amusements.” My conscience reproved me, not for engaging in these amusements, but for neglecting to say my prayers and read my Bible, on returning from them ; but I finally put a stop to its remonstrances, by thinking, that, as I was old enough to attend to balls, I was surely too old to say prayers. Thus were my fears quieted ; and for two or three years, I scarcely felt an anxious thought relative to the salvation of my soul, though I was rapidly verging towards eternal ruin. My disposition was gay in the extreme ; my situation was such as afforded me opportunities for indulging it to the utmost; I was surrounded with associates, wild and volatile like myself, and often thought myself one •of the happiest creatures on earth.

‘The first circumstance, which, in any measure, awakened me from this sleep of death, was the following. One Sabbath morning, having prepared myself to attend public worship, just as I was leaving my toilet, I accidentally took up Hannah More’s Strictures on Female Education ; and the first words that caught my eye were, She that liveth in pleasure, is dead while she liveth. They were written in italics, with marks of admiration ; and they struck me to the heart. I stood for a few moments, amazed at the incident, and half inclined to think, that some invisible agency had directed my eye to those words. At first, I thought I would live a different life, and be more serious and sedate ; but at last I thought, that the words were not so applicable to me, as I first imagined, and resolved to think no more of them.

“In the course of a few months (at the age of fifteen,) I met with Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress. I read it as a Sabbath book, and was much interested in the story. I finished the book on a Sabbath, and it left this impression on my mind—that Christian, because he adhered to the narrow path, was carried safely through all his trials, and at last admitted into heaven. I resolved, from that moment, to begin a religious life ; and in order to keep my resolutions, I went to my chamber and prayed for divine assistance. When I had done, I felt pleased with myself, and thought I was in a fair way for heaven. But I was perplexed to know what it was to live a religious life, and again had recourse to my system of works. The first step, that appeared necessary for me to take, was, to refrain from attending parties of pleasure, and be reserved and serious in the presence of the other scholars. Accordingly, on Monday morning, I went to school, with a determination to keep my resolution, and confident that I should. I had not been long in school, before one of the young ladies, an intimate friend of mine, came with a very animated countenance, and told me, that Miss——in a neighbouring town, was to have a splendid party on new year’s day, and that she and I were included in the party selected. I coolly replied, that I should not go, though I did receive an invitation. She seemed surprised, and asked me what was the matter. I replied, that I should never again attend such a party. I continued of the same opinion during the day, and felt much pleased with such a good opportunity of trying myself. Monday evening, the daughters of——sent in to invite me and my sisters to spend the evening with them, and make a family visit. I hesitated a little, but considering that it was to be a family party merely, I thought I could go without breaking my resolutions. Accordingly I went, and found that two or three other families of young ladies had been invited. Dancing was soon introduced ; my religious plans were forgotten ; I joined with the rest—was one of the gayest of the gay—and thought no more of the new life I had just begun. On my return home, I found an invitation from Miss——in waiting, and accepted it at once. My conscience let me pass quietly through the amusements of that evening also ; but when I retired to my chamber, on my return, it accused me of breaking my most solemn resolutions. I thought I should never dare to make others, for I clearly saw, that I was unable to keep them.

“From December 1805 to April 1806, I scarcely spent a rational hour. My studies were slightly attended to, and my time was mostly occupied in preparing my dress, and in contriving amusements for the evening, which portion of my time was wholly spent in vanity and trifling. I so far surpassed my friends in gaiety and mirth, that some of them were apprehensive, that I had but a short time to continue in my career of folly, and should be suddenly cut off. Thus passed the last winter of my gay life.

“In the spring of 1806, there appeared a little attention to religion, in the upper parish of Bradford. Religious conferences had been appointed, during the winter, and I now began to attend them regularly. I often used to weep, when hearing the minister, and others, press the importance of improving the present favourable season, to obtain an interest in Christ, lest we should have to say. The harvest is past, the summer is ended, and we are not saved. I thought I should be one of that number ; for though I now deeply felt the importance of being strictly religious, it appeared to me impossible I could be so, while in the midst of my gay associates. I generally sought some retired corner of the room, in which the meetings were held, lest others should observe the emotions I could not restrain ; but frequently after being much affected through the evening, I would return home, in company with some of my light companions, and assume an air of gaiety very foreign to my heart. The Spirit of God was now evidently operating on my mind ; I lost all relish for amusements ; felt melancholy and dejected ; and the solemn truth, that I must obtain a new heart, or perish for ever, lay with weight on my mind. My preceptor was a pious man, and used frequently to make serious remarks in the family. One Sabbath evening, speaking of the operations of the Holy Spirit on the hearts of sinners, a subject with which I had been hitherto unacquainted, he observed, that when under these operations, Satan frequently tempted us to conceal our feelings from others, lest our conviction should increase. I could hear him say no more ; but rose from my seat, and went into the garden, that I might weep in secret over my deplorable state. I felt that I was led captive by Satan at his will, and that he had entire controul over me. And notwithstanding I knew this to be my situation, I thought I would not have any of my acquaintance know that I was under serious impressions, for the whole world. The ensuing week, I had engaged to be one of a party to visit a young lady in a neighbouring town, who had formerly attended the academy. The state of my mind was such, that I earnestly longed to be free from this engagement, but knew not how to gain my end, without telling the real reason. This I could not persuade myself to do ; but concluded, on the morning of the appointed day, to absent myself from my father’s home, and visit an aunt, who lived at some distance, and who was, I had heard, under serious impressions. I went accordingly, and found my aunt engaged in reading a religious magazine. I was determined she should not know the state of my mind, though I secretly hoped, that she would tell me something of hers. I had not been with her long, before she asked me to read to her. I began, but could not govern my feelings, and burst into tears. She kindly begged to know what thus affected me. I then, for the first time in my life, communicated feelings which I had determined should be known to none but myself. She urged the importance of my cherishing those feelings, and of devoting myself entirely to seek an interest in Christ, before it should be for ever too late. She told me, that if I trifled with impressions which were evidently made by the Holy Spirit, I should be left to hardness of heart, and blindness of mind. Her words penetrated my heart, and I felt resolved to give up every thing and seek to be reconciled to God. That fear, which I had ever felt, that others would know that I was serious, now vanished away, and I was willing that the whole universe should know that I felt myself to be a lost and perishing sinner. I returned home, with a bursting heart, fearing that I should lose my impressions, when associated with the other scholars, and convinced that if I did, my soul was lost. As I entered my father’s house, I perceived a large party of the scholars assembled to spend the evening. It will be the height of rudeness, thought I, to leave the company ; but my second thought was, if I lose my soul, I lose my all. I spoke to one or two, passed through the room, and went to my chamber, where I spent the evening, full of anxiety and distress. I felt that if I died in that situation, I must perish; but how to extricate myself I knew not. I had been unaccustomed to discriminating preaching; I had not been in the habit of reading religious books ; I could not understand the Bible ; and felt myself as perfectly ignorant of the nature of true religion, as the very heathen. In this extremity, the next morning, I ventured to ask the preceptor what I should do. He told me to pray for mercy, and submit myself to God. He also put into my hands some religious magazines, in which I read the conviction and conversion of some, who, I perceived, had once felt as I now felt. I shut myself up in my chamber; denied myself every innocent gratification, such as eating fruit and other things, not absolutely necessary to support life, and spent my days in reading and crying for mercy. But I had seen, as yet, very little of the awful wickedness of my heart. I knew not yet the force of that passage, The carnal mind is enmity against God. I thought myself very penitent, and almost prepared, by voluntary abstinence, to receive the divine favour. After spending two or three weeks in this manner, without obtaining the least comfort, my heart began to rise in rebellion against God. I thought it unjust in him, not to notice my prayers and my repentance. I could not endure the thought, that he was a sovereign God, and had a right to call one and leave another to perish. So far from being merciful in calling some, I thought it cruel in him to send any of his creatures to hell for their disobedience. But my chief distress was occasioned by a view of his perfect purity and holiness. My heart was filled with aversion and hatred towards a holy God ; and I felt, that if admitted into heaven, with the feelings I then had, I should be as miserable, as I could be in hell. In this state, I longed for annihilation ; and if I could have destroyed the existence of my soul, with as much ease as that of my body, I should quickly have done it. But that glorious Being, who is kinder to his creatures than they are to themselves, did not leave me to remain long in this distressing state. I began to discover a beauty in the way of salvation by Christ. He appeared to be just such a Saviour as I needed. I saw how God could be just, in saving sinners through him. I committed my soul into his hands, and besought him to do with me what seemed good in his sight. When I was thus enabled to commit myself into the hands of Christ, my mind was relieved from that distressing weight which had borne it down for so long a time. I did not think, that I had obtained the new heart, which I had been seeking, but felt happy in contemplating the character of Christ, and particularly that disposition, which led him to suffer so much, for the sake of doing the will and promoting the glory of his heavenly Father. A few days after this, as I was reading Bellamy’s True Religion, I obtained a new view of the character of God. His justice, displayed in condemning the finally impenitent, which I had before viewed as cruel, now appeared to be an expression of hatred to sin, and regard to the good of beings in general. A view of his purity and holiness filled my soul with wonder and admiration. I felt a disposition to commit myself unreservedly into his hands, and leave it with him to save me or cast me off, for I felt I could not be unhappy, while allowed the privilege of contemplating and loving so glorious a Being. I now began to hope, that I had passed from death unto life. When I examined myself, I was constrained to own, that I had feelings and dispositions, to which I was formerly an utter stranger. I had sweet communion with the blessed God, from day to day ; my heart was drawn out in love to Christians of whatever denomination ; the sacred Scriptures were sweet to my taste ; and such was my thirst for religious knowledge, that I frequently spent a great part of the night in. reading religious books. O how different were my views of myself and of God, from what they were, when I first began to inquire what I should do to be saved. I felt myself to be a poor lost sinner, destitute of every thing to recommend myself to the divine favour; that I was, by nature, inclined to every evil way; and that it had been the mere sovereign, restraining mercy of God, not my own goodness, which had kept me from committing the most flagrant crimes. This view of myself humbled me in the dust, melted me into sorrow and contrition for my sins, induced me to lay my soul at the feet of Christ, and plead his merits alone, as the ground of my acceptance. I felt that if Christ had not died, to make an atonement for sin, I could not ask God to dishonour his holy government so far as to save so polluted a creature, and that should he even now condemn me to suffer eternal punishment, it would be so just, that my mouth would be stopped, and all holy beings in the universe would acquiesce in the sentence, and praise him, as a just and righteous God. My chief happiness now consisted in contemplating the moral perfections of the glorious God. I longed to have all intelligent creatures love him ; and felt, that even fallen spirits could never be released from their obligations to love a Being possessed of such glorious perfections. I felt happy in the consideration, that so benevolent a Being governed the world, and ordered every passing event. I lost all disposition to murmur at any providence, assured that such a Being could not err in any dispensation. Sin, in myself and others, appeared as that abominable thing, which a holy God hates,—and I earnestly strove to avoid sinning, not merely because I was afraid of hell, but because I feared to displease God, and grieve his Holy Spirit. I attended my studies in school, with far different feelings and different motives, from what I had ever done before. I felt my obligation to improve all I had to the glory of God ; and since he in his providence had favoured me with advantages for improving my mind, I felt that I should be like the slothful servant, if I neglected them. I, therefore, diligently employed all my hours in school, in acquiring useful knowledge, and spent my evenings and part of the night in spiritual enjoyments.

“While thus recounting the mercies of God to my soul, I am particularly affected by two considerations; the richness of that grace, which called and stopped me in my dangerous course, and the ungrateful returns I make for so distinguished a blessing. I am prone to forget the voice which called me out of darkness into light, and the hand which drew me from the horrible pit and the miry clay. When I first discerned my deliverer, my grateful heart offered him the services of a whole life, and resolved to acknowledge no other master. But such is the force of my native depravity, that I find myself prone to forsake him, grieve away his influence from my heart, and walk in the dark and dreary path of the backslider. I despair of making great attainments in the divine life, and look forward to death only to free me from my sins and corruptions. Till that blessed period, that hour of my emancipation, I am resolved, through the grace and strength of my Redeemer, to maintain a constant warfare with my inbred sins, and endeavour to perform the duties incumbent on me, in whatever situation I may be placed.

‘Safely guide my wandering feet.

Travelling in this vale of tears ;

Dearest Saviour, to thy seat

Lead, and dissipate my fears.’”

The change in her feelings and views, which she has thus described, was a thorough and permanent one. She immediately entered on the duties, and sought for the pleasures, of religion, with all the ardour of her natural character. Several letters to her young friends, written soon after this period, have been preserved. They are almost exclusively confined to religious topics; and some of them, addressed to individuals who had not then made the Saviour their refuge, breathe an earnest desire for their welfare, and a faithfulness in beseeching them to repent of their sins and believe in the Redeemer, which indicate the early workings of the same zeal that afterwards led her to Burmah.

“Redeeming Jove,” says an intimate friend, “was now her theme. One might spend days with her, without hearing any other subject reverted to. The throne of grace, too, was her early and late resort. I have known her to spend cold winter evenings in a chamber without fire, and return to the family with a solemnity spread over her countenance, which told of Him with whom she had been communing. Nor was her love of social pleasures diminished, although the complexion of them was completely changed. Even at this late period I fancy I see her, with strong feeling depicted on her countenance, inclining over her Bible, rising to place it on the stand, retiring to her chamber, and after a season of prayer, proceeding to visit this and that family, to speak of him whom her soul loved. She thirsted for the knowledge of gospel truth, in all its relations and dependencies. Besides the daily study of Scripture, with Guise, Orton, and Scott before her, she perused with deep interest the. works of Edwards, Hopkins, Bellamy, Doddridge, &c. With Edwards on Redemption, she was instructed, quickened, strengthened. Well do I remember the elevated smile which beamed on her countenance, when she first spoke to me of its precious contents. She had transcribed, with her own hand, Edwards’ leading and most striking remarks on this great subject. When reading scripture, sermons, or other works, if she met with any sentiment or doctrine, which seemed dark and intricate, she would mark it, and beg the first clergyman,” who called at her father’s, to elucidate and explain it.”

Her religious feelings were nevertheless affected by the same fluctuations as those of other Christians. The fervour of her affections made her, indeed, more liable than persons of a more equable temperament, to the changes, which physical as well as moral causes occasion in the spiritual joys of Christians. Her piety did not consist in feeling ; but there is no true religion without feeling: and the heart which has ever been suitably affected by the stupendous truths and hopes of Christianity, cannot be satisfied with a dull insensibility, or even with a calm equanimity. There will be a consciousness of disproportion between the subjects which Christianity presents to the mind, and the feelings which they awaken ; and the self reproach that will thus be occasioned, will be increased, by a recollection of the strong affections and lively joys which the heart experienced in the ardour of its first love. Every believer has frequent occasion to accuse himself of a want of lively sensibility to his privileges and duties; and while he can look back to seasons when he was more zealous in his piety, and when his enjoyment of religious pleasures was greater than at present, he will fear that he has receded instead of advancing. He will deplore his unfaithfulness and coldness, and will “write bitter things” against himself.

The fragments of Mrs. Judson’s journal contain many details of these alternations of joy and sorrow, of hope and self-accusation, of which all Christians are, in some degree, partakers. A few extracts will now be inserted ;

“July 30, 1806. I find my heart cold and hard. I fear there is no spiritual life in me. I am in an unhappy state, for nothing in life can afford me satisfaction, without the light of God’s countenance. Why is my heart so far from thee, O God, when it is my highest happiness to enjoy thy presence ! Let me no more wander from thee ; but

‘Send down thy Spirit from above,

And fill my soul with sacred love.’

“Aug. 5. Were it left to my choice, whether to follow the vanities of the world, and go to heaven at last, or to live a religious life, have trials with sin and temptation, and sometimes enjoy the light of God’s reconciled countenance, I should not hesitate a moment in choosing the latter ; for there is no real satisfaction in the enjoyments of time and sense. If the young in the midst of their diversions, could picture to themselves the Saviour hanging on the cross, his hands and feet streaming with blood, his head pierced with thorns, his body torn with scourges, and reflect that by their wicked lives, they open those wounds afresh, they would feel constrained to repent, and cry for mercy on their souls. O my God, let me never more join with the wicked world, or take enjoyment in any thing short of conformity to thy holy will ! May I ever keep in mind the solemn day, when I shall appear before thee ! May I ever flee to the bleeding Saviour, as my only refuge, and renouncing my own righteousness, may I rely entirely on the righteousness of thy dear Son !

“Aug. 6. I have many doubts about my spiritual state. I fear I do not really love the divine character ; and if not, what a dreadful situation I am in ! And is it possible, that I have never given myself away to God in sincerity and truth? I will do it now. In thy strength, O God, I resign myself into thy hands, and resolve to live devoted to thee. I desire conformity to thy will, more than any thing beside. I desire to have the Spirit of Christ, to be adorned with all the Christian graces, to be more engaged in the cause of Christ, and feel more concerned for the salvation of precious souls.

“Aug. 31. Another Sabbath is passed. Have attended publick worship, but with wandering thoughts. O how depraved I find my heart ! Yet I cannot think of going back to the world, and renouncing my Saviour. O merciful God, save me from myself, and enable me to commit myself entirely to thee.

“Sept. 2. I have discovered new beauties in the way of salvation by Christ. The righteousness which he has wrought out is complete, and he is able to save the chief of sinners. But above all, his wondrous dying love, and glorious resurrection, astonish my soul. How can I ever sin against this Saviour again ? O keep me from sinning against thee, dear Redeemer, and enable me to live to the promotion of thy glory.

“Sept. 14. I have, this day, publickly professed myself a disciple of Christ, and covenanted with him, at his sacred table.* I am now renewedly bound to keep his commandments, and walk in his steps. O may this solemn covenant never be broken. May I be guarded from the vanities of this life, and spend all my days in the service of God. O keep me, merciful God, keep me ; for I have no strength of my own ; I shall dishonour thy cause and ruin my soul, unless guided by thee.

“Nov. 3. Another day, for which I must give an account, has gone into eternity. It will appear, on the great day, dressed in the very garb which I have given it. Spent the evening with my young religious friends and Mr. P. whose conversation was remarkably solemn. He advised us to make resolutions, for the government of our daily conduct. I feel myself unable to keep any resolutions that I may make ; but humbly relying on the grace of God for assistance, I will try. I do desire to live wholly devoted to God, and to have every sin in my heart entirely slain.

“O thou God of all grace, I humbly beseech thee to enable me to keep the following resolutions ;—When I first awake, solemnly devote myself to God, for the day. Read several passages of Scriptures, and then spend as long time in prayer, as circumstances permit. Read two chapters in the Old Testament, and one in the New, and meditate thereon. Attend to the duties of my chamber. If I have no needle work to do, read in some religious book. At school diligently attend to the duties before me, and let not one moment pass unimproved. At noon, read a portion of Scripture, pray for the blessing of God, and spend the remainder of the intermission, in reading some improving or religious book. In all my studies, be careful to maintain an humble dependence on divine assistance. In the evening, if I attend a religious meeting, or any other place for instruction, before going, read a portion of Scripture. If not, spend the evening in reading, and close the day as I began. Resolve also to strive against the first risings of discontent, fretfulness and anger ; to be meek, and humble, and patient, constantly to bear in mind, that I am in the presence of God ; habitually to look up to him for deliverance from temptations ; and in all cases, to do to others as I would have them do to me.

“Nov. 6. I daily make some new discoveries of the vileness and evil of my heart. I sometimes fear, that it is impossible for a spark of grace to exist in a heart so full of sin. Nothing but the power of God can keep me from returning to the world, and becoming as vain as ever. But still I see a beauty in the character of Christ, that makes me ardently desire to be like him. All the commands of God appear perfectly right and reasonable, and sin appears so odious as to deserve eternal punishment. O how deplorable would be my situation, thus covered with sin, was it not for the atonement Christ has made. But he is my Mediator with the Father. He has magnified the law and made it honourable. He can save sinners consistently with the divine glory. God can now be just, and the justifier of those who believe in his Son.

“Nov. 26. This is the evening before thanksgiving day, and one which I formerly spent in making preparation for some vain amusement. But for the first time in my life, I have spent it in reading and praying, and endeavouring to obtain a suitable frame of mind for the approaching day. How much reason have I to be thankful for what God has done for me, the yèar past. He has preserved my forfeited life ; he has waited to be gracious ; he has given me kind friends, and all the comforts of life ; and more than all, he has sent his Holy Spirit, and caused me to feel my lost condition by nature—inclined me to trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, as my only Saviour, and thus changed the whole course of my life. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name !

“Dec. 22. I am this day seventeen years old. What an important year has the past been to me. Either I have been made, through the mercy of God, a partaker of divine grace, or I have been fatally deceiving myself, and building on a sandy foundation. Either I have in sincerity and truth renounced the vanities of this world, and entered the narrow path which leads to life, or I have been refraining from them for a time, only to turn again and relish them more than ever. God grant that the latter may never be my unhappy case. Though I feel myself to be full of sin, and destitute of all strength to persevere, yet if I know any thing, I do desire to live a life of strict religion, to enjoy the presence of God, and honour the cause, to which I have professedly devoted myself. I do not desire my portion in this world. I find more real enjoyment in contrition for sin, excited by a view of the adorable moral perfections of God, than in all earthly joys. I find more solid happiness in one evening meeting, when divine truths are impressed on my heart by the powerful influences of the Holy Spirit, than I ever enjoyed in all the balls and assemblies I have attended during the seventeen years of my life. Thus when I compare my present views of divine things, with what they were, at this time last year, I cannot but hope I am a new creature, and have begun to live a new life.

“April 11. Now I know that God is a prayer hearing God. When I retired this evening to spend some time in prayer, I found I had no heart to pray, I could pray for nothing but a spirit of prayer; when, contrary to all my expectations, my feelings were suddenly changed, and I obtained great freedom of access to the mercy seat. I felt it good to draw near to God, and pour out my soul before him. Astonishing love and unbounded benevolence, in the infinite God, thus to let his creatures come near, and partake of the happiness which he himself enjoys. O Jesus, make me humble; let me love thee more, and be daily more devoted to thy dear cause.

“April 12. Sabbath. Have this holy day enjoyed the privilege of commemorating the dying love of Christ. O how condescending did the divine Redeemer appear ! I felt my heart drawn out in love to God for his great goodness to the children of men. Five new members were added to the church. How animating to see so many come over to the Lord’s side, and subscribe to be his. And was I indeed called at an early age, called in the bloom of youth, to be a partaker of the grace of God ? I, who was opposed to every thing good—who was a faithful servant of the adversary of souls? How easily might I have been left to go on in my own chosen way, till repentance was too late. How earnestly do I now desire to live entirely devoted to the service of Christ, to express my gratitude, by keeping his commands, and living near to him. But alas, notwithstanding all he has done for me, so depraved is my heart, and so inclined to every evil, that I shall wander from God, grieve his Spirit, wound his cause, and destroy my soul, unless kept by his mighty power. On sovereign grace alone I rely for grace and strength to persevere.

“April 18. Too much engaged in worldly things. Worldly thoughts will creep in, and destroy my religious comfort. I have much to make me constantly devoted, yet I am comparatively stupid. I am surrounded by a wicked world, where vice and immorality are prevailing, and very little real religion to be found. Lord, take care of thine own cause, and let not the enemy be exalted over thy people. O take care of thy children, and animate them with thy presence in the wilderness.”

These extracts are sufficient to show the exercises of her mind, for some months after her conversion. Wé have omitted a considerable portion, because our space is limited, and because we think that much caution ought to be used, in disclosing to the public eye the private feelings of the Christian. In the bosom of every true believer, hope predominates ; but many causes often throw a cloud over his joys, and sometimes obscure the brightness of hope itself. At such times, he may doubt that he is a Christian, and if he records or utters his feelings, they have a tone of sadness and despondency, which is in melancholy contrast with the state of his mind at other times, when the candle of the Lord shines upon his head. Some Christians, too, possess a sanguine temperament, which impels them continually to extremes. A journal of their daily experience would depict them, on one day, as rejoicing and steadfast believers, and on the next, perhaps, ás harassed with doubts, not only of their personal piety, but of the truth of Christianity itself ; it would show them, at one time, as fervent in spirit, serving the Lord, and at another, as criminally conformed to this world. It may, perhaps, be sometimes useful to the Christian to peruse such statements of the feelings of others; because they inform him, that his own joys and sorrows correspond with those of other Christians, and that occasional doubts and fears are not incompatible with genuine piety and prevailing hope. God himself has seen fit to give us in his word, the spiritual exercises of several eminent saints, and especially of David, who seems to have been placed in almost every variety of human condition, and to have been visited with trials of every kind to which our nature is subject, that he might be an example to all future saints, and that his feelings and experience, as displayed in his Psalms, might comfort and instruct the Church in every age.

But the complaints and self-reproaches of uninspired saints, may possibly be injurious to some professors of religion, by lowering the standard of piety, and appeasing their consciences for their own deficiencies. And the enemies of religion are liable to regard them as inexplicable inconsistencies, and as proofs that religion is the parent of melancholy, and is devoid of permanent and tranquil happiness.

The following letter from Mrs. J. written at an early period of her religious life, shows how correctly she thought, in relation to the exercises of a renewed heart. She here explains the cause of much of her own darkness of mind, and self distrust. Growth in grace requires an increasing acquaintance with the nature of sin, and of our unworthiness ; and this knowledge will be likely to darken and distress the mind, unless faith be strong, and the efficacy of the atonement be very clearly discerned.

To Bliss L. K.

“Newbury, Sept. 20, 1807.

“You requested me, dear L, to write soon after my return. With pleasure I comply, as it fixes you in my imagination, and gives me sensations almost as pleasing as a verbal intercourse. O may that Spirit which unites the hearts of the children of God in love, direct my thoughts, and guide my pen to write that which may be useful in our journey to another world. You ask, “What are the evidences of growth in grace ?” From reading the lives of pious people, and the word of God, I have come to the following conclusion, though different from my ideas formerly.

“A person who grows in grace, will see more and more of the dreadful wickedness of his heart. He will find it more opposed to every thing good, more deceitful and fickle. When Isaiah saw more of God and his glory, his first expressions were not, I am more like God because I have seen more of him ; but his language was this, Wo is me, for I am undone, because I am a man of unclean lips. The more grace Christians have, the clearer they can see the contrast between holiness and sin ; and while it leads them to hunger, thirst, and strive for the one, it leads them to loathe, abhor, and mourn for the other. Growth in grace will consequently lead them to know more about Jesus Christ, and the great need they have of him for a whole Saviour. He will appear to them daily more needful as a prophet, priest and king, his character more lovely, and his spirit more desirable. They also feel more for the worth of souls. As they are convinced daily of the dreadful nature of sin, so they will feel more anxious to save sinners from the consequences of it. This will necessarily lead them to pray more often, earnestly and fervently, give them a disrelish for the vanities of the world, and a sincere and hearty desire to devote all they have to him, and serve him entirely. But one great evidence is not yet mentioned, perhaps the greatest. They will be constantly watching, and endeavouring to find whether they grow in grace. They will watch their improvement from time to time, in every portion of holy writ which they read, every sermon they hear, and the providences which occur, either afflictive or the contrary.

“These, dear L, are my ideas respecting the subject. There are many other evidences, but these are sufficient, if true, to convince us whether we make any improvement in a divine life. If we have made none under the rich cultivation we have enjoyed, then we may be sure we are unacquainted with that path which is as a shining light, which shineth more and more unto the perfect day.”

Mrs. Judson, early in her religious life, showed her desire to be useful to her fellow men. Her active mind was not satisfied without some effort to benefit those around her. She accordingly engaged, soon after this period, in the occupation of instructing a school, impelled mainly by the desire to be useful. There are few situations, which furnish better opportunities of imparting permanent benefit, than that of the instructor of a school. In New England, this office is regarded with a good degree of the honourable estimation to which it is entitled ; and it is to be wished, that a larger number of educated young ladies would employ themselves in a service so beneficial to their own minds, and so vitally important to the rising generation.

The following extract from Mrs. Judson’s journal, dated May 12, 1807, shows the conscientious principles which actuated her; and proves that her mind was thus early swayed by the resolution to live not unto herself, hut to him who died for her, and rose again. Her zeal for the spiritual welfare of others, and her decision of character, are here seen in a very striking light :

“Have taken charge of a few scholars. Ever since I have had a comfortable hope in Christ, I have desired to devote myself to him, in such a way as to be useful to my fellow creatures. As Providence has placed me in a situation of life, where I have an opportunity of getting as good an education as I desire, I feel it would be highly criminal in me not to improve it. I feel also, that it would be equally criminal to desire to be well educated and accomplished, from selfish motives, with a view merely to gratify my taste and relish for improvement, or my pride in being qualified to shine. I therefore resolved last winter, to attend the academy, from no other motive, than to improve the talents bestowed by God, so as to be more extensively devoted to his glory, and the benefit of my fellow creatures. On being lately requested to take a small school, for a few months, I felt very unqualified to have the charge of little immortal souls; but the hope of doing them good, by endeavouring to impress their young and tender minds with divine truth, and the obligation I feel, to try to he useful, have induced me to comply. I was enabled to open the school with prayer. Though the cross was very great, I felt constrained by a sense of duty, to take it up. The little creatures seemed astonished at such a beginning. Probably some of them had never heard a prayer before. O may I have grace to be faithful, in instructing these little immortals, in such a way as shall be pleasing to my heavenly Father.”

She was engaged, at intervals, for several years, in teaching schools, in different towns. She was always diligent and faithful in her endeavours to enlighten the minds and to form the manners of her pupils; but she regarded the fear of the Lord as the beginning of wisdom ; and she strove to guide her dear pupils to the Saviour. She felt herself to be intrusted, in some measure, with the charge of their souls ; and she watched for them as one that must give account. It is believed, that her prayers and efforts were not in vain ; and that some of her pupils in this country will mingle their praises, before the throne of the Redeemer, with those of ransomed Burmans, adoring him for her instrumentality in leading them to repentance and faith in his name.

From her journal, we select a few additional extracts, which will show the state of her feelings, and the progress of her piety.

“June 12. For a week or two past, have had very little enjoyment in religion, and almost every duty has appeared burdensome. But praised be God, I have enjoyed much, yesterday and to-day. I find, that reading the exercises of Miss Anthony has a great tendency to humble me, and quicken ray spiritual life. I long to possess her spirit, and be as much engaged in the service of God, as that dear saint was. I feel an attachment to her, stronger than I ever felt for any person, while I was in an unconverted state. If love to the children of God is an evidence of having been born again, I have reason to think, that this is my happy case. I know that I love Christians, and love those most, who are most actively engaged in the cause of Christ; and at the throne of grace, I feel, at times, my soul drawn out in love to them, and in as ardent desires for their spiritual welfare, as for my own.

“17. Have had some deep sense of religion, this day. Read the life of Dr. Hopkins, of Newport. Find much edification and happiness, in reading such books. In the evening, had much conversation with some of the family, on the subject of religion. Appearances rather encouraging.

“18. Have enjoyed much to-day, while reading and meditating on the distinguishing doctrines of grace. My heart acquiesced and rejoiced in them. If I enjoy comfort in any thing, it is when I have a realizing sense of God’s holy character. I feel happy, when I reflect, that God will overrule all things, for the promotion of his own glory. In my walk, this evening, my thoughts were intensely fixed on the greatness and majesty of the Supreme Being, and on the numberless sins I have committed against him. Then they turned to the glorious way of salvation, which this great and most gracious Being has provided. I desired to give myself entirely to Christ, have him for my prophet, priest and king, be entirely devoted to him, and give him all the glory of my salvation. O Jesus, ever give me such views of thyself, as shall entirely take away my thoughts from this vain world.

“July 6. It is just a year, this day, since I entertained a hope in Christ. About this time, in the evening, when reflecting on the words of the lepers, If we enter into the city, then the famine is in the city, and we shall die there ; and if we sit still here, we die also, I felt that if I returned to the world, I should surely perish ; if I staid where I then was, I should perish ; and I could but perish, if I threw myself on the mercy of Christ. Then came light, and relief, and comfort, such as I never knew before. O how little have I grown in grace, since that time. How little engaged in religion am I now, compared to what I was then. Then the world had not the least share in my thoughts or heart. Nothing but religion engrossed my affections, and I thought that nothing else ever would. But though my heart is treacherous, I trust that I have some evidence of being a true Christian ; for when contemplating the moral perfections of God, my heart is pleased with, and approves of just such a Being. His law, which once appeared unjust and severe, now appears holy, just and good. His justice appears equally glorious as his mercy, and illustrative of the same love to universal happiness. The way of salvation by Christ appears glorious, because herein God can be just, and yet display his mercy to the penitent sinner.”

At this point, her regular journal ceases, and nothing but fragments has been preserved, concerning her subsequent views and feelings. They do not differ materially from those which have already been quoted, except that they show a gradual enlargement of desires for the prosperity of the Church of God; and indicate that God was preparing her mind for her future duties.

“March 17—(probably 1809.) Have had some enjoyment in reading the life of David Brainerd. It had a tendency to humble me, and excite desires to live as near to God, as that holy man did. Have spent this evening in prayer for quickening grace. Felt my heart enlarged to pray for spiritual blessings for myself, my friends, the church at large, the heathen world, and the African slaves. Felt a willingness to give myself away to Christ, to be disposed of as he pleases. Here I find safety and comfort. Jesus is my only refuge. I will trust his word, and rest my soul in his hands. I will depend on him, not only for the salvation of my soul, but for daily grace and strength to persevere in a religious course. O may I now begin to live to God.

“24. At the commencement of the last week, I had high hopes of being more engaged in religion, than ever before. But I have reason to fear, that I relied too much on my own strength. I still find cause to be humbled in the dust, for my inconstancy and rebellion. I have doné little for the cause of God—too often indulged in trifling conversation. In this way, I grieve the Holy Spirit, and bring darkness upon my mind. And yet I hope, that I have had some right feelings. I would not deny what I have enjoyed, though it is but small. I have, at times, felt engaged in prayer for the prosperity of the church, and for the conversion of the heathen and Jews.”

Note

* She became a member of the Congregational Church in Bradford.