Читать книгу Hard Cuddles - James Harding - Страница 6

BEING DIFFERENT

‘To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.’

— Oscar Wilde

It has always been obvious to me that I am different to most other people I have met. It’s like I am drinking water from a completely different well. As a young bloke it was a lot harder—I did cop it a bit for being different. Not enough for me to change though, I wasn’t interested in fitting in.

I was only interested in learning subjects I had considered important. To this day I still can’t do basic mathematics or read a clock, it’s never interested me. But if I need to work something out mathematically for a business deal or anything to do with fishing, I don’t have a problem.

No matter how much emphasis parents and teachers put on doing well at school, it didn’t have any importance for me. Being a solid human and trying to do the right thing was what mattered.

There were times in my life when I was consistently getting into trouble for the way I chose to live my life and it was tempting to give up and try to fit in. But I didn’t and I am so thankful that I have endured. In the end, it’s not about being right or wrong; it’s about staying true to yourself. No matter how far you have to go on your journey in life, you can always find your way back home.

This book was written as a process of self-healing and an opportunity to look back and remember how far I’ve come. If anyone reads this and decides that I haven’t covered a particular story the way they remembered—well, they are probably correct. Everyone has their own sense of reality and their memories will be different to mine.

This story is mine, no one else’s. I have done my best to be as candid as I can. The truth is by far the most entertaining form of reality. There have been plenty of stories that cannot be told out of respect for my wife and children. There are also stories that can’t be told because many people I used to know are still very active in that world. Just because I decided to leave doesn’t mean I am going to sell out. Rules are rules after all. A few people have done this and it makes for some pretty exciting reading but I entered that game with my head held high and I can certainly leave it the way I found it, meaning: I’m right here if anyone wants to see me.

I only considered letting other people read this after my sister snuck onto the computer and read a chapter. She loved what she saw and suggested I get it published. If this book helps someone who is stuck or helps a parent gain insight into what their kids might be going through, that is enough for me. It was certainly a massive learning curve for both my parents. My lovely Mum discovered spirituality as a way of healing herself through the process. At the tail end of my journey into the dark side, I found spirituality and meditation as well. Because of this we have this special bond that has allowed me to communicate with my Mum on a level that I thought was only possible with drugs. I found that drugs heightened my senses towards the spiritual realm and opened my eyes to a much more involved existence.

It’s amazing, the people you attract in life. I have been blessed to meet some of the most charismatic and energetic humans. I have also had the opportunity to meet some really challenging souls. Some that I have met have been vital to helping me understand myself. When you are face-to-face with a known hit man, for example, you learn to rely on your instincts and intuition. This is when you feel really alive. Your body and skin tingling. Your senses are heightened when you are operating on a second-to-second basis. You’re right in the moment.

That’s where I still like to operate from: that dark side of life. Navigating my way down into a dark cavern doesn’t concern me one bit, not if I can find some truth that will enrich my life or help someone. I am right at home with addicts, the homeless, the mentally challenged and the downright nasty. For me that is but another reflection of the system, just the same as the incredible stories you hear about humans achieving amazing things. You need both energies to get the balance right. I like to learn about both—some people may consider it an ugly truth. I like to think of it as a kind of beautiful darkness.

This discovery was profound because I learned to trust and rely on these senses to guide me back home. Where the Wild Things Are, by Maurice Sendak, expresses this so well. A young boy, Max gets in trouble and his mum sends him to his room. There, he uses his imagination to go on a journey to where the wild things are. He sails over to the island where monsters live and becomes one of them. Max uses a special trick to tame them, then he dances and bares his claws and fangs with them well into the night. Eventually he becomes the king of the monsters. But after a while he tires and gets bored and decides to sail back home. When he does, the monsters tell him they will miss him too much and they don’t want him to go. Max leaves anyway and when he gets home, he finds his dinner waiting for him and it’s still warm.

This is the story of my life.