Читать книгу The Marked Men Series Books 1–6: Rule, Jet, Rome, Nash, Rowdy, Asa - Jay Crownover - Страница 23

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Ayden sounded nervous and she wasn’t thrilled I had dragged her to Marked so early in the morning. We were sitting in a little room at the shop I had never seen before, even though I was spending more and more time at the shop waiting for Rule to get off or dropping off dinner for him if he had to work late. The room had clearly been decorated by a female; Cora’s funky sense of style was all over the place and it smelled a little less antiseptic than the rest of the shop. I was sitting on a chair that looked an awful lot like the one you would find in a gynecologist’s office, and nervously fidgeting with everything in sight.

“I’m sure.”

“I just don’t understand why you want to do something that’s going to hurt.”

“It’ll only hurt for a minute and I trust Cora.” I did. Whenever I was at the shop we ended up spending hours talking, and had even taken our budding friendship out of the building. When Rule or Rome were unable to pull “eyes on Shaw” duty Cora didn’t seem to mind hanging out with me until one of my many watchdogs was free. I really liked her and having someone I was comfortable with pierce me was the only way I was going to go through with it. Cora had even agreed to come in when the shop was closed while Rule and Nash were at the gym so that I could keep it a surprise.

“I just want to make sure you’re doing it for you and not for Rule. What if you guys break up and the next guy you date is all straitlaced and proper? Pierced nipples might not work for your next boyfriend.”

I gave her a bored look and tried to calm my nerves. The truth was, doing it had nothing to do with Rule. I was back to feeling like I had no control over my life again. The thing with my car and the way Gabe was still influencing my day-to-day life, the pressure from my parents about everything from my hair to Rule, the way Rule disappeared inside himself when I started to get too close—it was all closing in on me and I needed something that was just for me. I wanted this little something that was my choice, a decision to alter my body that no one else had any say in. I was having migraines more frequently, three in the last two weeks, and if I didn’t do something I was going to shatter apart into too many pieces to put back together.

“If Rule and I break up, you really think the next guy in my life is going to be all clean-cut and preppy?”

“I don’t see why not. You dated Gabe for six months and he’s about as opposite from Rule as one can get. I bet pierced nipples would send him into cardiac arrest.”

“I’m never dating anyone just because I’m supposed to again, and I’m not planning on dating anyone besides Rule for the foreseeable future anyway, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

The truth was things had been strained between Rule and me for the last week. I didn’t know what it was but he was treating me like I was spun sugar and going to break apart at any moment. When he didn’t think I was paying attention I would catch him staring at me with a confused look in his eyes, like he was trying to figure out what I was still doing there, or why he was still around. He was obsessively concerned about my safety and made sure I was never alone. We still spent every night together at alternating homes, and the time we spent in bed had morphed from passionate and out of control, to tender and fleeting. While it was nice, it didn’t feel like him and it was starting to really concern me. I didn’t know how to address it because it wasn’t like there was anything actually wrong. He was still emotionally present, still attentive and clearly willing to try like I’d asked him, but something was off. I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

“If your father finds out, he really will make good on pulling his tuition check for next year.”

My dad had finally gotten tired of me ignoring his calls and had ambushed me at the apartment last weekend. I had tried to explain the situation with the car, tried to make him understand about Gabe and his threats, but none of it did any good. All my dad was concerned about was how things looked for him and Mom. The requisite threat about tuition had been leveled, but it held no weight with me. I told him if he pulled my tuition I would gladly get a job as a stripper to pay my way through med school, and he hadn’t liked it one bit. I knew the threat would only keep him off my case briefly, but for now that was all I needed if he wasn’t going to have my back against what was going on with Gabe.

I hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Gabe, but I don’t think Rule pushing him around had really sent him to ground. Ayden mentioned she had heard some girls in one of her classes talking about me, and from the sounds of it, his new mission was to trash my reputation on campus with a series of foul lies and outrageous stories. Luckily, I was pretty immune to hearing awful stuff about myself from growing up in such a judgmental and hateful household. Otherwise I would have been freaking out even more and contemplating changing schools just to get away from it all.

“Yeah, he would. Good thing that’s not something he ever has any opportunity to see.”

Cora opened the door with a little metal tray in her hand that looked sterilized and smelled like hospital-grade antiseptic.

“You ready?”

I swung my legs up and around so I was lying back in the chair and tried to control my rapid breathing.

“As I’ll ever be.”

“I’m fast, so it’ll be over quick. Just remember you have to keep them clean so for the first three to four weeks don’t play with them or let you-know-who play with them. He should know the rules by now.”

I laughed as she told me to strip out of my tight V-neck henley and bra. I shivered involuntarily at being so exposed but Cora was reassuring, and even though I knew she was uncomfortable, Ayden held my hand and watched what was happening with rapt attention.

“First, I gotta mark you to make sure they’re even and straight on both sides.” It was weird to have someone, even though that someone was a friend, handle my body in such a way. The tip of the marker was cold and it made me shiver but not nearly as much as when she put the metal clamp on the first light-pink tip. Her two-toned eyes stared into mine and I felt my nails dig into Ayden’s palm. “Okay, babe, take a really deep breath and when I tell you, let it out slow and even. You’re going to feel a lot of pressure from the needle pressing through and then the jewelry being put in place. Just keep your eyes on me and keep breathing.”

I did what she said and after the initial pain, which admittedly had a couple of surprised tears welling in my eyes, it was more uncomfortable than painful. She repeated the process on the other side and then it was over and I was pierced. She asked me if I wanted a mirror. I took it and admired her handiwork.

I had pretty nice breasts already; they weren’t huge or anything outrageous, but they were firm and high and my nipples were always a nice, pretty pink. The silver hoops were similar to the ones in Rule’s eyebrow and the one in his lip, but the ball at the center of mine was a bright aquamarine globe. They were sexy and feminine and I freaking loved the way it looked. I took the aftercare instructions and climbed back into my clothes. I felt the little piece of me that had been flailing over the last weeks lock back down, and I smiled at Cora and gave her a hug.

“I love it.”

“You should. It’s over-the-top hot.”

Ayden nodded as she pulled on her coat. “I didn’t think it would suit you, but I was wrong. They look really girly and sexy. I can see now why you wanted to get it done.”

Cora lifted her superblond eyebrows as I shoved money into her hands. “I know you said you would do it for free but I want to pay you.”

She shook her head and tried to hand it back but I refused to take it. “I consider us friends now and I don’t take advantage of friends, so please just take it.”

She frowned at me and moved around to pick up all her equipment. “If you wanted a tattoo and Rule or Nash offered to do it for free, would you let them?”

“Rule yes, Nash no.”

She sighed in defeat then. “Well, fine then. Let me know what loverboy thinks, not that I think he’ll be able to hide his shit-eating grin. I swear his mood entirely revolves around how the two of you are going at it.”

I pulled my long hair out of the collar of my coat and tried not to wince as the movement caused my new additions to move uncomfortably against my bra. “So, how’s he been lately?” I really wanted to know.

“Fine, more mellow and maybe more quiet than usual, but good.”

“Well, that’s good, I guess.”

“You don’t sound so sure about that.”

I shrugged, not sure how to explain it. “Rule has never really been a mellow guy.”

“No, he hasn’t, but maybe you have given him a reason to be. Maybe he’s happy and has everything he wants, so there isn’t a reason to be all angsty and aggro all the time anymore.”

I would have been thrilled if I thought she was right, but I knew Rule and none of it sat right with me. “Maybe.”

She gave me another hug, careful of my chest, and ushered us out of the shop. “Don’t get your panties all wadded up over it. There is nothing wrong with mellow.”

“Thanks, Cora.”

“Anytime. Now scram so I can clean this up before regular business shows up and the guys get here to set up.”

Ayden gave me a searching look as we exited into the cold. “How did you get the guard dogs to let you off the tether this morning? Rule has a fit whenever you try to gallivant around without someone on your heels.”

“I told him I had a hair appointment and that you were going with me and wouldn’t let me out of your sight. No guy wants to go spend an hour in a salon, especially a guy like Rule.” She lifted her brows at me when we got to the rental I was currently driving.

“So are we actually going to go get our hair done?”

Since I wasn’t a liar and hated being dishonest with him I had indeed made both of us an appointment to get the works done. “We are, only it’s my treat this time because we have to make a stop first and it’s kinda out of the way.”

“Where at?”

I pulled out onto Colfax and headed to the highway in the direction of Brookside.

“Where are we going?” I knew Ayden was curious but when I woke up this morning and Rule had been so cloyingly polite and kind there were two things that I knew I had to accomplish today. The first was done and the second, well I wasn’t sure, but I felt like the second might end up being even more painful.

“I just need to swing by and see an old friend really quick.”

“In Brookside?”

“Just outside. Let me just get through it first and then I’ll explain.” I drove silently through the mountains until we got to the small cemetery on the outskirts of Evergreen, listening to Dawes play melancholy songs that fit my mood perfectly. I had always thought it ironic that Remy was buried so far out of the city on such a quiet piece of land, when he had been so buoyant and so full of energy and life. I parked in the visitors’ lot and pulled on a pair of gloves and a hat because I wasn’t sure how long I was going to be, and it was even colder up here at the higher elevation than it was in the city.

“I’ll leave the keys so you can run the heater and mess with the radio. I’m not sure how long I’m going to be.”

Ayden’s amber gaze was liquid with sadness and understanding. She gave me a quick one-armed hug and shooed me off. “I’ll be fine. You take as long as you need. You can spring for a hot-stone massage if it takes you too long.”

“Deal.” That’s why I loved this girl.

My boots crunched on the snow as I made my way to the back of the lot where the gravestone sat so cold and sterile, just one more shade of gray on the barren winter landscape. There was a bright spray of red roses lying on top of the stark white plot and it made me smile. Remy loved red, loved things that were vibrant and eye-catching, anything that suited his personality. Not caring that the ground was frozen and covered in snow I knelt down and traced his name with a gloved finger. Tears immediately filled my eyes. I moved my hand along to glide over the huge horseshoe that both the surviving Archer boys had insisted go on their sibling’s headstone. Turned upward, it was said to keep all the good luck in. Rome liked the symbolism, and Rule liked that it was a visual representation that tied the two of them together for eternity.

“Hey, handsome. I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last visit but things have been … intense.” I laughed humorlessly. “I have a feeling if you were here you would be laughing your ass off at everyone and shaking your head at all of us. I miss you so much and every single day I think it would make things so much better if I could just call you, that you would make sense of everything and keep it all together. Doing this is a million times harder without you.”

I was crying in earnest now and couldn’t really see the headstone clearly anymore. I flattened my palm over his name and concentrated on taking deep breaths in and out. “I’m sleeping with your brother, and if you thought I was a silly lovesick fool before, you should see me now. I’m freaking out because he’s being too nice. I know, only I would worry about my boyfriend being too nice, but we both know Rule and something is up. He won’t talk to me about it. By the way, how weird is it that I’m calling Rule my boyfriend? My heart turns over every time I do it and sometimes I feel like my entire world is in his eyes and yet he still closes me out, still shuts down and makes it so very hard to just love him. If you were here I would make you pull it out of him and he would tell you because he always did.”

I sighed and let my head fall forward. “I wish you had told them, Rule and Rome. I wish you had trusted them enough to let them in like you did me. Your mother has gone off her rocker because Rule still refuses to be your carbon copy, and as a result your family is in tatters. Maybe if everyone knew, if you had tried to let them know everyone deserves to be loved no matter how they choose to live their lives, it wouldn’t be like this. Your dad is coming around but still trying to keep Margot out of the loony bin. And Rome, poor Rome is just a giant Ping-Pong ball trying to protect everybody and make everything okay but he has no one to help him. He needs you to be the mediator like you always were.”

My knees were freezing and my pants had long since soaked through. My teeth were chattering and I had quickly learned that supercold weather and nipple piercings were not exactly a great combo.

“I have a crazy ex who is in turn stalking and harassing me; it’s making my life hell. My parents are convinced I should marry him and move to Cherry Hills. Rule hates him and there’s a good chance if the ex keeps it up he’s going to murder him and it just makes things that are already complicated even more awful. I have a sneaking suspicion that if you had been around you would have seen through all Gabe’s polish and shine to the tarnish underneath and I wouldn’t have ended up in this situation in the first place. I miss having you protect me from myself. Your brother is all about keeping me safe and I think he really honestly cares, but he’s so busy keeping me safe from everyone, himself included, that I don’t think he sees that I can be my own worst enemy. He keeps talking about messing things up between us and I don’t have the heart to tell him that he can’t ever mess up bad enough to make me stop loving him. There is a good chance that, like everyone else, he’s going to see what I have to offer isn’t all that great and want more than I can give. It’s so convoluted and twisted I can’t even believe we’ve gotten as far as we have.”

I laughed a little, real laughter this time, and a couple standing by a grave a few feet away gave me a dirty look.

“I got drunk on my birthday and threw myself at him. I was terrified the entire time he was going to turn me down, to claim that he was taking advantage of me because I was drunk, but it happened and I totally gave up the V-card to your twin. Somehow I know you would find that hysterical and never let me live it down. You were right. I was always just waiting for him to get with the program and now that he has, well, let me just say the program is amazing and I have a hard time seeing a future without it or without him.”

I pressed a kiss to the stiff leather of the glove and placed it on his name. “Every day, Rem, every single day something reminds me of you, makes me think of things I want to tell you, makes me want to cry because of what happened to you. Every day I miss you and right now when I need you more than ever, I try to make decisions, try to go in a direction that I know would make you proud, would make you smile for me, but it’s hard.”

I stayed for a few more minutes until the tears were nothing more than icy trails on my cheeks, then climbed to my feet. I rested a hand on the top of the gravestone and said a final good-bye while trying to regain my composure. When I got into the car, Ayden had hijacked the radio and Lady Antebellum was twanging it up. She turned it all the way down as I got behind the steering wheel and peeled off my gloves.

“Everything okay?”

I nodded and held my frozen hands over the heater, wishing I had one big enough to dry the legs of my jeans. “Yeah, it’s just sad. I miss him a lot. We used to talk every single day, sometimes for hours and hours. I feel lost without him. So much of the time I think he’s the only one who would make sense of how hard it is to get a handle on Rule. They were very different, but still essentially the same at the core, good men with a strong sense of self and loyalty.”

“It’s obvious you cared deeply for him, so why didn’t the two of you ever hook up? It seems like it would have been an obvious match.”

I smiled ruefully and headed back toward the city. “Because we didn’t feel that way about each other. He knew I was in love with Rule. At times he encouraged it, at times he tried everything to talk me out of it, but he knew it, and for the most part respected it. As for Remy, he was in love with someone else, someone very unlike me. Remy was the life of the party; he had a million friends and everyone wanted to be around him all the time, but he was really private when it came to his love life. Rome and Rule burned through girls at a rate that is honestly alarming, but Remy played it close to the vest. I think he let people believe we had a thing going because it kept them from asking questions he didn’t want to answer. He didn’t want the comparison to his brothers, and his parents loved me so it was just easier for him to play along than deal with the hassle.”

“That doesn’t seem like it was very fair to you. If he knew you were in love with Rule the whole time, why would he let him believe you and he were a couple?”

Rule asked me that same question all the time, even though he wasn’t armed with the knowledge that I had been in love with him for so long. I hated that I couldn’t answer it for him. Remy’s secrets weren’t mine to tell, even if it strained things between Rule and me.

“He had his reasons. At the time I understood them; I guess I didn’t see how damaging they could be. At the end of the day, he saved me from a high school life that would have been miserable and a family that treats me like furniture, so I don’t mind suffering for him in the slightest. You would have liked him; everyone did. As moody and difficult as Rule can be, Rem was just the opposite. He was always affable, smiling, and happy. He just wanted to have a good time and make sure everyone else did, too.

“When he graduated, he was supposed to go to California on a football scholarship. He was good, better than good, but he turned it down because if he had to play in order to stay in school, then that took the fun out of the game for him. Rule moved to Denver with Nash, and Remy left with them. The guys went to work in the shop as soon as they had their diplomas, and Remy screwed around trying to figure out what he wanted to do. Eventually, he got hooked up with a high-end event planning company throwing swanky parties and doing black-tie events. He had found his niche and he never talked about college again. He made good money, loved living in the city, had a great relationship with his brothers and his family. He got involved in a relationship with someone who made him smile and act like a giddy kid. I had just moved here for freshman year when he died. It sucked and it totally wasn’t fair; everything was right where he wanted it, and he was taken away from it all because of a stupid accident.”

“That’s just tragic.” I could hear the emotion in her voice.

“It is,” I agreed because that was all I could do. By the time we got to the salon, we were both beyond ready for a little pick-me-up and I decided that a hot-stone massage was definitely in order.

We got pampered and all loosened up. Maybe too loose, because when it came time to touch up my hair, I had him take the chunk in my bangs and make it almost black instead of the subtle light brown it had been. He did the same to the underside of my long hair so that I had almost a checkerboard effect. It was edgy and dramatic; there was no way to miss it, and the black made the green of my eyes iridescent. I really liked it and so did everyone else. As soon as we got out of the salon, a group of girls around our age stopped to ask where I had it done.

Ayden and I went to get lunch and decided to grab a cocktail at a bar close to the apartment. I glanced at my phone and noticed Rule had texted to ask how I was doing. I frowned and shot back that everything was fine. I waited for him to demand to know where I had been all day, to ask what I was up to, but instead he said that was good and wanted to know what time to come over tonight. My stomach knotted and I felt something awful rise up in the back of my throat. He was only being thoughtful, but I hated it and I wanted it to stop. I texted:

I think I have a migraine coming on. Ayden isn’t working tonight so I think we’ll just have a girls’ night at home with a stupid movie and some popcorn so you can go out with your friends or whatever.

I wanted him to tell me that was stupid. That of course he would come over, but I got back:

All right. Let me know if you need anything for your head. Keep your door locked. I still don’t trust Davenport.

I wanted my Rule back. I wanted him to get mad at me. I wanted him to throw all that attitude he normally toted around at me, but I got none of it. All I got was quiet acquiescence and easy agreeability, things that my Rule knew nothing about. Angry and not sure why or what to do about it, I tossed the phone into my purse and ordered us another round of drinks.

“What’s wrong now?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on, Shaw. I’ve been with you all day; tell me what’s really going on. The boobs, the hair, the freezing visit to the grave—something is behind it all. You make me talk when I don’t want to, so spill it.”

I sighed dejectedly and twirled the straw around in my drink. “I told Rule not to come over tonight because I was getting a migraine.”

“Which I assume is not true.”

“No, and I don’t really want him to stay away. I just want him to do what he normally does and throw a fit, to act temperamental and bossy, to tell me he’s coming over whether I like it or not. Instead, he just says okay like it’s no big deal, and I don’t know what to do with it. It’s not like he can’t be sweet and nice when he wants to, but that’s just not his default. He’s complicated and argumentative, but lately all he wants to do is smile and nod like I can do no wrong. It just isn’t like him, and it weirds me out.”

“Maybe try being stoked that your boyfriend sounds awesome?”

I tried to smile because I knew she was just kidding, but I didn’t have the heart for it. “It’s not just when we talk or I ask him to do things, it’s in bed, too. Normally, it’s all out-of-control passion and mind-numbing orgasm after orgasm, but lately it’s been a lot more like ‘May I do this?’ and ‘Is it okay if I do that?’ and ‘How does this make you feel?’ He’s never been the type to ask for permission, he takes what he wants and by the end makes sure you want it twice as bad. It’s starting to freak me out because I don’t know how to talk to him about it without sounding like a paranoid lunatic.”

“Well, you have to talk to him about it. You can’t just keep expecting him to act one way while he’s doing something entirely different or you’re both going to be disappointed.”

I knew she was right but that didn’t mean I had the first clue how to go about it. “Whatever happened between him and Gabe after my car got trashed is what started it. He left the apartment one way and came back as a stranger.”

“I know a couple people who were walking to class when it happened. They said it looked like Rule was going to tear Gabe apart, but then he let him go and a security guard broke it up. I don’t know what could have triggered such a strange reaction in him.”

“I don’t, either, but I hate it and it’s just one more reason to curse Gabe and how he has managed to interfere in my life.”

I was feeling pretty down so we had a few more cocktails than we’d planned. Ayden decided that since we were already bombed, we should make good on the girls’ night. We ordered wings to go from the bar and hiked home since we were only four blocks away. We stumbled in and crashed on the couch. We watched three sappy, romantic comedies back to back, polished off the wings with a bottle of wine, indulged in ice cream and popcorn, and laughed hysterically at things that were not remotely funny. It wasn’t until I finally crawled into bed hours later that I realized that I hadn’t called Rule or even sent a message to let him know what I was doing all night long. I think my heart cracked a little when I looked at the screen of my phone and it reflected back no missed calls or new messages. He hadn’t even bothered with a “good night” or “miss you.”

I tossed the phone somewhere on the floor, careful this time not to hurl it at the wall, and crawled under the covers. I assumed that since I was pretty plastered, sleep would suck me under in no time, but I was wrong. I tossed and turned for more than two hours until I finally gave up and realized I wasn’t going to sleep unless I changed something. I had spent the last month cozied up next to Rule’s solid bulk, and sleeping in an empty bed when I was feeling shitty just didn’t hold the same appeal. I shoved the covers aside and rummaged through one of the dresser drawers that Rule had started stashing some of his things in when he stayed over. I found his favorite Defiance Ohio T-shirt and stripped down and put it on. It was worn and soft and it reminded me of him, so when I crawled back into bed I finally fell into a fitful rest, knowing that I had to get a handle on things before I went crazy or turned into a sleepless lush.