Читать книгу The Marked Men Series Books 1–6: Rule, Jet, Rome, Nash, Rowdy, Asa - Jay Crownover - Страница 26

“Hey, dude, happy birthday.” I traced a finger over the horseshoe that I had insisted be on the headstone, and cleared away the emotion that was clogging my throat. I didn’t come here enough, but every year on our birthday I made sure to stop by and let Remy know I was thinking about him. It was hard, being reminded that he wouldn’t be turning twenty-three right alongside me, that I was getting older and he was stuck in time at twenty, his life cut way too short.

“I’m pretty pissed off at you right now. My life is all upside down and I can’t seem to find my footing, and all the stupid shit I normally do to ignore the hurt and confusion just doesn’t hold any appeal. I don’t understand why you didn’t just talk to me, why you used Shaw the way you did, and I really don’t get how you just let me act like a total asshole to her for years and years knowing she had feelings for me. Well, here’s a newsflash, bro: I have feelings for her, too. And now things are so jacked up, I can’t see any way to make it right. Everyone always gave me hell for being difficult, for being temperamental and complicated; turns out you had more going on under the surface than Rome and I could ever imagine, and yet you were still the favorite. Isn’t that just a kick in the balls?”

For the second time in a few short weeks, I felt tears well up in my eyes. “Shaw kept your secret. All this time, even when things got intense between us, she kept your secret. She loves you, but she loves me, too. I just didn’t know what to do with it, so I got mad and I shut her out and as a result, she got hurt and wouldn’t let me back in when that’s all I wanted. It sucks—love sucks—and I feel like if you were here none of this would have ever happened in the first place, so you suck, too.”

There was no answer, just the sound of my shallow breathing and the wind moving the trees. I felt really alone for the first time in a long time, and the loss of my twin was really pressing down heavily on me. The last month and a half had been rough; everything with Shaw had left me strung up and stripped bare. My normal response to that overwhelming flood of emotion would have been to drink my liver into submission and screw any and every girl who looked my way. Neither of those things had been on my agenda. Booze wasn’t enough to make my conscience stop screaming at me that I should have tried harder, should have handled my shock and anger better. And the idea of taking anyone to bed who wasn’t Shaw made everything I had below the belt freeze up.

I was working a ton, trying to keep tabs on Gabe through Mark and Alex—I was determined to keep him away from her permanently, even if she didn’t know I was doing it—and I was spending a lot of time with the boys, licking my wounds. Even though Shaw had been upset with me for trying to change, to be better for her, I think I had effected some major changes on my own, in spite of myself, and that wasn’t bad. I was allowing myself to feel everything, and while the feelings tied up in the failure of my relationship with Shaw burned, at least I was processing them and not drowning them in bad habits.

I was getting ready to say good-bye when footsteps crunching on the thin layer of snow still covering the ground made me lift my head up. I felt my eyes narrow involuntarily and the corners of my mouth pull down when I recognized the figure making her way toward me. Every instinct I had was to get out of there before she could ruin my day, but I stayed put because she was looking right at me, and for once, there wasn’t contempt or hatred shining out of her eyes.

“Mom.”

“Happy birthday, Rule.”

I cleared my throat because I had no clue what to say to her. I knocked my knuckles on the hard headstone and gave my brother a silent good-bye. “I’ll take off so you can have some time with him. I’m sure today is hard for you.”

I nearly fell over when she reached out a hand and put it on my forearm. My mom hadn’t touched me voluntarily in years and it was enough to stun me into silence.

“It’s hard for all of us, but that’s not why I’m here. I actually called your work to see if I could maybe take you to lunch for your birthday. I figured you wouldn’t answer if I called your cell, so I asked your roommate where I might find you and he pointed me here. I guess if I hadn’t been so busy trying to shut you out all these years, I might have figured that out on my own.”

I took a step away from her because I was pretty sure aliens had abducted my mom and that this creature before me wasn’t real. The things coming out of her mouth were almost too much for me to take in. “Where’s Dad?”

“Home. He’s working on getting through to your brother, and after all that’s happened, I needed to be the one to come to you. Can I take you to lunch or maybe for coffee?”

I didn’t want to go. I didn’t trust her or her motivations but it was my birthday and we were standing at my dead brother’s grave, so turning her down just didn’t seem like a viable option or one I could live with later on.

“Coffee would be all right.” She gave me a smile that was sad. I mean, really, truly sad, and I realized for the first time that my mom had a dark tunnel she disappeared into as well, that maybe it was a trait I’d learned from her. We walked back to the parking lot in silence and I followed her back to Brookside, even though all I wanted to do was keep driving back to Denver. We stopped at the Starbucks I always hit, and I let her buy me a coffee while I settled into a semi-secluded corner and stretched out my legs. I could tell she was nervous, so I tried to relax and not be as guarded as I always was around her.

“I’ve been talking to a specialist. Your dad found someone here in town who deals with grief and family issues. I think it’s been really helpful.”

I blinked. “That’s a change.”

She smiled ruefully and I caught a glimpse of the woman who had raised me before our relationship had been tainted with tragedy.

“After the way things went at dinner, your dad had reached his breaking point. It was go and get help or watch my husband of thirty-six years walk away from me. Dale has always been the only constant in my life. I wouldn’t make it without him and it took realizing how alone I would be if he walked out the door to make me see what I’ve done to my family.”

I could only stare at her in shock. I didn’t know what to say or do so I just kept sipping on my coffee and watching her.

“You asked me how I could love Remy, knowing how different he was while I always had such a hard time with you, and I want to try to explain things. It’s not an excuse; our relationship has never been easy. We’ve never been as close as I was with your brother and it started when you were both born. You guys were early, which is pretty common with twins, only you came out strong and healthy, bawling your little head off; Remy wasn’t so lucky. He had his cord around his neck and was breech. It took a lot of work and effort to get him here alive, and well, from the start I think I focused more on him than on you, which makes me a terrible mother but doesn’t mean I didn’t love you both. Remy breast-fed; you wanted a bottle, and when you were both old enough to walk, Remy held on to my fingers and tottered all over the house, but you pulled yourself up using Rome as a lever and then just took off on your own. Your brother always needed me, always wanted me, and you, well, you were like you are now: independent, fierce, and determined to blaze your own way in the world, and I just let you go. Your dad and I both just let you slip away.”

I was having a hard time breathing but I was so focused on what she was saying that it didn’t seem to matter. “When Remy brought Shaw home I was so excited. He hadn’t ever shown any interest in other girls, and meanwhile your dad caught at least one girl a week sneaking out of your window. We were starting to put the pieces together about him, but I was convinced he was just waiting for the right girl, and Shaw had it all—she’s lovely, well educated, comes from money. It never occurred to me that she was too delicate, too broken down by her own family to be with someone as gentle and sweet as Remy. She needed someone strong, someone not afraid of all the things that tormented her day in and day out, so of course she picked you. She’s loved you forever. I saw it, your dad saw it, and even with that we let Remy use her and snow everyone into thinking they were an item because it was just easier than dealing with the truth.”

She stopped fidgeting with her cup and met my stunned gaze. She had tears in her eyes, which were nothing new, but for once these seemed generated by actual regret, not overbearing anger and blame directed at me.

“The night of Remy’s accident he called me. I knew he was on his way to pick you up and I told him not to go, that you were a grown man who could find his own way home. He got really mad at me, told me I needed to get over whatever it was that kept me from embracing you, from loving you as openly and fully as I loved him. I got angry back and told him he had no place to lecture me on how I interacted with you if he was going to keep living a lie. We had a huge fight. It was ugly and I threatened him. I told him I was going to let you and Rome know exactly who their brother was and he freaked out. He hung up and left to get you, and those were the last words I said to my baby.”

She was crying openly now and all I could do was sit there and let everything she said flow over me.

“I said it should have been you—I put all my grief and responsibility on your shoulders because I was too weak to be accountable for my part in what happened to Remy. Out of all of us, you’re the strongest and you’re the one who handled it the best. It was easier to blame you than to look at you and realize what I had done. You never loved me the way Remy did and the further away I pushed you the easier it was to feel less guilt. I’m sorry I did it; you never deserved it. I felt like you were already lost to me so the idea of losing you wasn’t as crippling as it was with Rome, but I realize now you were never lost—I had just shoved you as far and as hard away as I could, and that’s not healthy or acceptable.”

We sat in silence while I tried to work through all of it. I couldn’t just accept her apology; too much time and too many hurtful words and actions had been exchanged for that. But I could recognize that we were all human and prone to making careless mistakes with people we cared about, and that we could try to work toward a resolution from there.

“That’s a lot to take in, Mom, and I’m not sure what you expect from me after telling me all that.”

She swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand and gave me a rueful grin. “I don’t expect anything. I do want you to know that your dad and I are committed to putting this family back together, including Shaw. I know you’re mad she didn’t tell you about Remy, but I also saw the way you two were looking at each other. I saw the way you were with her, Rule, and I know you have never been like that with anyone else. She has always thought that you were worthy and in need of love, even when you did your absolute best to convince the rest of the world that you weren’t interested in being loved. I just think you should consider that before deciding to walk away from her for good.”

Was my mom, the woman who had made it her mission for the last three years to make sure I knew I was the lowest form of humanity, trying to give me relationship advice? Was she seriously telling me to try again with Shaw?

“She actually walked away from me. She told me that trying wasn’t enough, that she needed to know that I loved her for sure and I just couldn’t do that. I don’t know if we’re ultimately good for each other.”

My mom reached across the table and grabbed my hand, which was resting by the cup. I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“She needs your strength and you need her to teach you how to love. She comes from a really awful group of people, Rule. She needs someone who can stand by her while she deals with that, and you need someone who’s not scared of you, someone who can love all the different parts of you and not ask you to change any of them. She’s done it for years even if you didn’t know it. She was loyal to your brother, she kept his secret even though it caused problems between the two of you, and she’ll be loyal to you, too.”

We sat in silence while her words washed over me. I just didn’t know what to say but I did know that things weren’t the same without Shaw in my life. The last few weeks had been hollow. I didn’t just miss her in my bed, which I did … a lot. I missed her in the morning when I had breakfast. I missed hearing from her in the afternoon and sending her naughty little text messages that I knew made her blush. I missed her coming by the shop for dinner and hanging out while she did her homework. I just missed her, and things weren’t as good as they were when she was around.

“I have to say this is one of the more surprising birthdays I’ve ever had.”

“You deserve some peace and I need to be responsible for the part I’ve played in making it so hard for you to recognize true and honest love when it’s staring you in the face.”

“I need to go.” I pushed away from the table and looked down at her. I was grateful she didn’t get to her feet and try to hug me because I was nowhere near ready for that, but when she offered me up a small smile I didn’t hesitate to grin back at her.

“Thanks, Mom.”

“You should have great things, Rule, including a happy and whole family.”

“One step at a time, Mom.”

I was walking out of the shop when I almost plowed over the tiny brunette who had been checking me out the last time I was here. I grabbed her upper arms to steady her and let her go so I could move past her. What I needed to do, who I needed to get to, was suddenly so clear it was like a light at the end of the tunnel and I knew, just knew, that if I could make it right, the darkness wouldn’t pull me under anymore.

“Sorry.” I was going to move around her but she counteracted my move and put herself back squarely in my path. I frowned down at her while she batted her long eyelashes up at me.

“No girlfriend this time, isn’t that just a shame?” I recoiled because this is what was out there—girls who would flirt with me, girls who would go home with me knowing I was seeing someone. It wasn’t enough anymore. I deserved better.

“I’m actually on my way to go get her now.”

The brunette tried to pout prettily but it did nothing for me.

“I would never have guessed you and Shaw would end up as a thing. She’s been frigid since high school and I thought she was in love with your brother. Doesn’t it freak you out being his replacement?”

Normally, something like that would have made me see red, would have made my damn head explode, but I got it now—this girl was nothing. Her opinion didn’t matter and her misinformation was just laughable. I was done letting anyone, including a clueless stranger, use Remy as a weapon against me.

“I gotta run. Next time I’ll be sure to go in the opposite direction if I see you coming.” She gasped in outrage but I didn’t care. I was too busy sliding around her and sending a text to Cora to find out if Shaw was still hanging around her house.

I wasn’t guaranteed an answer back, because the girls had bonded, and Cora was all for me staying the hell away from Shaw, but maybe because it was my birthday she shot back that Shaw and Ayden had both worked a day shift today so they should be at the house. I would prefer to say what I had to say to Shaw without an audience, considering Ayden wasn’t exactly my biggest fan right now. I was, however, willing to pick her up and move her out of my way if she didn’t let me get to my girl.

It was late afternoon by the time I got back to the city. I was glad I had taken the day off, considering all the unexpected and life-changing revelations I had been fielding all day. I was supposed to meet up with the guys for dinner and then I was having a little party at Cerberus. Jet’s band was playing and all my friends and some of my regular clients were swinging by for a drink or two. It was lame that Rome was already gone, but we had grown so much closer while he was here. I told him repeatedly I would just drink his share so that he could be here in spirit. All I knew was that it wouldn’t be any kind of celebration until I got to Shaw and told her what I had to say.

When I got to Cora’s house my nerves started to act up. If this was the last chance I had to make this work and she still sent me on my way, I wasn’t sure how I would handle it. There was a good chance that Shaw was going to break my heart and that was big and scary because I didn’t even know I had a heart to break before she came along. I skirted past a brand-spanking-new Porsche SUV and was relieved to see that Ayden’s Jeep was nowhere in sight. I could hear music coming from inside the house. She was listening to the Heartless Bastards and the sentiment made me chuckle as I rang the doorbell. I had to wait a good five minutes before the music went down and I saw the blinds next to the door twitch. I was proud of her for not just opening it without checking to see who it was, but my nerves ratcheted up even higher when the door didn’t open immediately.

When it did, I stopped breathing and forgot everything I wanted to say. She was obviously on her way out somewhere. She had on a supertight, supershort black dress that made the green in her eyes electric and the pale blond of her hair glow around her head like a halo. I had obviously interrupted her because she was barefoot and didn’t have any makeup on but had her hair all curled up in a complicated style. She looked so perfect, it was enough to make my eyes hurt. The idea that she might be going on a date with someone else immediately crashed into all my hard-won resolve and made my back teeth snap together.

“Hey.” It wasn’t eloquent or romantic but I was having a hard time not overthinking this, and she didn’t seem to mind. She shivered in her almost nonexistent outfit and took a step away from the door.

“Come in. It’s cold out.”

I followed her into the house and was relieved when she went into the kitchen and pulled out a beer for me. It gave me something to do with my hands and a minute to get my head together.

“It’s not much of a present, but it’s the best I can do on short notice. Happy birthday, Rule.”

“Thanks. Are you … uh … headed out somewhere?” I let my hungry gaze travel from the top of her shiny head to the tips of her bright red painted toes. She was working toward being all healed up and looked like everything I ever wanted, with a few bruises and bumps thrown in to remind me how close I had come to losing her altogether. “You look very nice.”

She grinned sheepishly and twirled the ends of her hair around her finger. “I was getting ready to go out later.”

“Oh, well, I won’t take up too much of your time then. I just wanted to talk to you real quick.”

She leaned up against the kitchen counter while I took a seat at the kitchen table.

“Ayden forgot about something she had to do for her I-chem class so she won’t be back for a couple hours and Cora doesn’t get off until seven. We’re going to dinner.”

I was so happy to hear that she didn’t have a date with another guy that I let out an audible sigh that had her raising a pale eyebrow at me.

“What did you want to talk to me about, Rule? It’s nice to see you and all, but I have to say I’m kinda surprised you’re here.”

I wanted to tell her that I needed her, that I wasn’t the same without her, that she was my entire world, but what fell out of my mouth was “I had coffee with my mom today.”

I saw her eyes get big. “Wow. That’s huge.”

“She found me at Remy’s grave. I was alternately chewing him out and telling him how much I miss him. I go every year on our birthday. Did you know that Dad threatened to leave Mom if she didn’t go get some help?”

She bit her bottom lip and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to climb up and replace her teeth with my own.

“I didn’t know that’s what Dale told her, but I knew it was bad. They’re used to you pulling away, but having Rome shut them out and refuse to let them see him off really did some damage. I’m glad it’s helping. You guys are a family, you need each other.”

“That’s the thing, Shaw; I never thought I did until you. I never thought I needed anyone or anything until you got into my head and started breaking down all the walls I had built around all my feelings.”

We stared at each other in a tense silence. Until she sighed softly and uttered, “I’m not sorry. It’s not a bad thing to feel, it’s not awful to care about other people.”

I watched her carefully. I couldn’t tell how she was feeling and it made laying it all out on the line for her even more frightening. “No, it’s not bad, but it scares the hell out of me. I never had anything to lose before and losing you nearly undid me.”

She sucked in a sharp breath and I saw a myriad of emotions in her eyes and face. “It undid me, too.”

I shoved my hands through my hair and met her gaze, trying to let her see everything I was feeling. I wasn’t good at expressing this kind of emotion and it was frustrating me. “I want you to know that there’s been no one but you, Shaw. You’ve got me running in circles and so wound up, there could never be anyone but you. I miss you. I know you want undying declarations of love. I know trying isn’t an option and that I just have to do it, but I want you. I need you, and more important, I get that you need me, too. Not some watered-down synthetic version of me that makes being together easier but the fully leaded, hard-to-handle me that you can lean on because I’m strong, Shaw. I’m not going to let anyone, your family especially, devalue all the wonderful things you have to give.”

I got to my feet and walked to where she was leaning. Her eyes were enormous and I could see her chest moving up and down with rapid breaths. She still hadn’t said anything so I pulled out the pen I had stashed in my back pocket and put my hand out.

“I’m not Jet, so I can’t write you a song that makes you understand how important you are to me. I’m not Nash, so I can’t find a building and paint you a mural that makes you see that it all starts and ends for me with you.” She placed her hand palm-up in mine and didn’t look away as I bent my head and began to do a quick sketch with the ballpoint across her superpale skin. “I’m a tattoo artist. I’ll probably always be a tattoo artist, and I don’t know how that plays into your future or the future you have planned after school and, frankly, I don’t care. This is what I have to offer you, Shaw, and just like you let me be your first, I’m letting you be mine.”

I covered her entire palm with a detailed drawing of a sacred heart; it matched the one I had inked on the center of my chest. It had flames dancing up the back, a crown of thorns on top of it, a spray of roses along the bottom, and in the center I drew a scrolling banner with my name in the center. “Here’s my heart, Shaw. You have it in your hands, and I promise you’re the first and last person to ever touch it. You need to be careful with it because it’s far more fragile than I ever thought, and if you try to give it back I’m not taking it. I don’t know enough about love to know for sure that’s what this is between us, but I know that for me it’s you and only you from here on out. I can only promise to be careful and not push you away again. Life without you in it is doable, but if I have a choice I want to do it with you by my side, and I’m telling you I’m not running away from the work it takes to make that happen. Shaw, I’m not scared of us anymore.”

When I was done I was breathless but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, because even if she rejected me at least she knew how I felt. I let go of her hand and she curled her fingers around the drawing that covered her palm. When I lifted my eyes to hers I was a little surprised to see tears shining in the emerald depths. She put the hand that I didn’t draw all over on the side on my face and ran her thumb over my bottom lip, pausing at the hoop. Her mouth crooked up on one side, and just like that I knew everything was going to be all right.

“I was going to crash your birthday party tonight.” We were close but still separated by a few feet. I couldn’t look away from her and she opened her other hand and put it on my chest over where the heart matching the one I just gave her lay. “That’s where I was going later.”

“I would have been happy to see you.”

She smiled a little brighter. “I resolved the other day that I had to stop deciding how things were going to happen before giving them a chance to play out. You shut me out, Rule, but only because I let you. I was so worried about what you were doing, about what would happen, I just let you close the door, and when you wanted to pull it back open, I was so scared of how bad being without you hurt that I didn’t want to give it space to happen again. That wasn’t fair to either of us. I’m not afraid of the work or us anymore, either. I promise to not let you shove me away again. I do need you, Rule, and you are the only thing I have ever wanted just for me. I should have tried harder to hold on to you because you’re right, I need to be careful with this.” She tapped her palm with the heart on it against the one pounding under my skin. “It’s precious and the best gift I could ever ask for.”

I wrapped my arms tightly around her and lifted her off her feet. I wanted to kiss her, wanted to do all the things I had spent weeks missing out on doing to her. I wanted to make her forget Davenport’s cruel hands and imprint on her every single thing I felt about her, but just as I was about to put my mouth on hers she pulled back and shook her head.

“If you start that, there is no way you’re going to make dinner and your party tonight.”

She was right but I didn’t care. I had her and that was the only present I wanted. It must have shown on my face because she pressed a boring, closemouthed kiss on my lips and wiggled out of my grasp. “I love you, Rule, I really do. I have something I want to give you for your birthday, but it has to wait until later, when we’re alone and the threat of Ayden or Cora bounding in isn’t a likely scenario, so go have fun with the guys. I’ll see you at the bar later and then we can celebrate in private.”

I pouted. That’s right, I pouted like a little kid denied his favorite toy, which in a way I was. We had been apart too long. I needed to touch her, needed to get my hands on her, but she wasn’t cooperating at all. “Come on, Shaw, just a little kiss. It’s my birthday and I missed you so bad.” I sounded whiny and not badass at all, but I could tell she was about to cave in by the way she slithered a little closer to me. But then the moment was ruined when the lock on the front door clicked and Ayden came sweeping through in all her long-legged, dark-haired glory. She took one look at me and Shaw and grinned.

“Hallelujah! It’s about time you two idiots figured out that you were made for each other.”

Shaw laughed and shook her head. She gave me another brief kiss and moved away. “Tonight. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.”

I agreed under protest. I still wanted to make out, but she clearly wouldn’t be swayed, and I had to admit my curiosity was piqued as to what kind of gift she wanted to give me in private. I went home and took a shower—a freezing-cold one—and got ready for the night. I didn’t want to drink too much because there was no way I was letting booze inhibit my reunion with my girl. I had never given much credence to the idea that being with someone you cared about made sex so much better, but it was true.

The guys took me to the Buckhorn Exchange so we could gnaw on giant pieces of wild game like cavemen and act like a bunch of jackasses. Now that things were back on track with Shaw, I felt lighter and happier than I had in months, and they could tell. They all gave me shit about my chronic bad mood and advanced levels of dickheadedness, but I could tell they were relieved and grateful that I was back where I needed to be. Dinner was fun, but I was ready to get on with the night so I could take Shaw home and have some proper make-up sex to cement this as the best birthday ever.

The bar was packed wall-to-wall with people wishing me a happy birthday. Even Uncle Phil had come out for the occasion. I accepted pats on the back and hugs as I looked for a particular blond head in the crowd. It took some skill to avoid shot after shot getting shoved in my direction but I managed to do it. I caught sight of a shimmer of white and black near the stage. Shaw was posted up front with Ayden and Cora and it irked me to no end that Jet was already at the table getting his flirt on with the beautiful brunette. Ignoring everyone else calling my name and clamoring for my attention, I scooped my girl up, even though she was in really tall heels and, for once, closer in height to me, and sealed my mouth over hers. I didn’t care that she muttered a startled protest. I wanted a kiss and it was my birthday, so I was getting a damn kiss from this girl who was my world.

She wiggled a little until she could get her hands in my hair and I made sure it was worth her while as I stroked across her yielding tongue with my own. She gave a little moan and I moved a hand to her ass, pressing as hard into her as I could until I became aware of the roar of catcalls and applause surrounding us. I lifted my head, which left us both breathless and panting, and was greeted by a standing ovation from the bar. I shared a shocked look with Shaw and we simultaneously burst out laughing. I took a brief bow and she curtsied, making everyone else laugh along with us. She pressed back up against me to give me another kiss that turned my head to mush. The combination of a few beers, her soft mouth, and that ridiculously short dress was enough to have me cutting out of my own party early. We hung out long enough for Jet to get onstage and sing “Happy Birthday” to me and for me to instruct Nash to maintain a low profile when he came home. I grabbed whatever gifts I had been given and hustled Shaw out the door well before midnight.

We held hands in the truck on the way home and made small talk about what we had been up to during our time apart. I was glad to hear that she had pretty much been doing the same things I had, and that she was handling the situation with Gabe in a professional and no-nonsense matter. She was amazing and I was truly lucky to have her as mine.

When I let her into the apartment I was ready to just drag her to the bedroom and have my way with her, but she kicked off her sexy heels and padded to the kitchen to grab us a couple drinks. I was anxious and aroused but I didn’t want to push her, so I followed her to the couch and took the beer she handed me. She sat facing me and reached out to put her hands in my hair. It felt nice but there were plenty of other places I wanted her hands, so I asked her, “Why are you always playing with my hair?”

“Because you change it so much and it always feels different. This is the first time it’s all natural and I can’t believe how soft it is.”

“I thought you liked the hawk?”

“I do. I like it however it is, but when it’s normal like this it makes you look more approachable.”

She seemed nervous, which was weird. This was an area we had never had any issues with before so I wasn’t sure what to do to put her at ease. I clicked the neck of my beer against hers and gave her a lopsided grin. “Happy birthday to me.”

She smiled back and shifted so that her hair slid forward. “So, I need to tell you something before you get your present.”

Her tone was pretty serious so my mind immediately went to all the worst possibilities: there had been someone else while we were apart, Gabe had hurt her worse than anyone knew and she wasn’t ready for intimacy yet, she didn’t really want to be in a relationship with me, she was moving to Peru. It took every single ounce of self-control I had not to freak out and ruin whatever progress we’d made today.

“Alrighty, hit me with it.”

“It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“Shaw, I’m dying here. Just talk to me.” She put her beer down and scooted closer to me on the couch, which pulled the hem of her dress tantalizingly up her pale thighs. If she didn’t spit it out soon, I was taking her to bed regardless and we could just hash it out in the morning. She put a hand on either side of my face and pulled me down so that we were literally eye to eye.

“All that stuff about being nice and trying to be someone different to make being together easier applies to the bedroom, too, right?”

I felt my eyebrows shoot up and I tugged on her tiny waist until she was straddling my lap. “What are you getting at, Casper? Just spit it out.”

She made a face and I saw her skin heat to a pretty shade of hot pink. “Nice Rule, the Rule that goes with this hair, is boring in bed. I don’t like him. I just want normal Rule back and everything that comes with him. It’s been a while so I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page.”

I barked out a laugh and gave her a squeeze while working my hands up under the material of her dress to get a handful of her very bitable ass. “I can’t decide if I should be thrilled or insulted.”

She leaned forward so that our mouths were almost touching. “I just want you.”

I grunted in response and decided the time for talk was over. She gave a squeal of surprise when I climbed to my feet with her still in my arms. She shifted her legs so she was wrapped around my waist and twined her arms around my neck in a loose hold.

“The present-giving can take place in the bedroom, I assume?” She didn’t answer but instead started to kiss all along the side of my neck. It made my blood thunder in my ears and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the bed when her sharp little teeth clamped down on my ear and she started whispering every dirty thing I ever wanted to hear. I kicked the door shut with the heel of my boot and kissed her all the way down to the black comforter on my bed. Her legs parted and I found myself cradled in the only place I wanted to be ever again. I hooked a finger in her very tiny panties and stripped them off. Had I known how little she was wearing under that short dress, I wouldn’t have made it even halfway through the party. We both groaned at the first press of skin on skin as she grabbed the back of my T-shirt and pulled it over my head. We still had on enough clothes that I could kiss her and rub against her with delicious friction, while winding us both up to the point we were panting and straining against each other in the most enjoyable way. I was glad she didn’t want it soft and gentle, glad she could take whatever I threw at her, because it had been too long and I felt like the top of my head was going to come off. I made a guttural noise of protest when she maneuvered free and pushed me over onto my back. Knowing she was naked under her dress had me itching to get my hands on everything that was damp and achy, but she had other ideas.

She was messing with my belt buckle and telling me to take my boots off, but apparently I was too slow to comply because she had it all handled and I was spread out below her in nothing but my birthday suit in no time flat. She turned her back to me and asked me to undo the zipper that ran from her shoulder blades to the base of her spine. I was eager to oblige her, especially when all the black material covering her satiny skin puddled on the floor at her ankles. I ran my fingers along the pronounced ridge of her spine and was pleased to watch a trail of goose bumps follow in the wake. She looked over her shoulder at me and I felt my heart turn over at the mischief in her gaze.

“So I actually got your present a while ago, before we started having problems. That was lucky, I guess, because now they’re healed and you can actually touch them.” She pulled her long hair up in one hand and turned to face me as my curiosity piqued because she had her other arm across her naked chest. She climbed back up on the bed so that she was straddling my waist, which was fun to watch and had my erection sticking up like a lead pipe between the two of us. She dropped her arm and my eyes snapped as wide as they could. I was pretty sure I was drooling because, while Shaw was the most beautiful woman in the world to me, Shaw sporting nipple rings, naked and on top of me, was enough to make my brain short-circuit and all the remaining blood in my body shoot right between my legs.

“Oh, man, that is so fucking hot.”

She laughed a little, which turned to a whimper when I circled the cool metal with a finger. “That’s my birthstone.” The jewel in the center of the ring was a shiny, pretty bluish-green aquamarine, delicate and pretty just like her.

She hissed out a breath when I tugged on the ring softly and I saw her eyes droop a little in pure unadulterated desire. I knew better than anyone how much intimate piercings could enhance a sexual experience and I would make it my personal mission in life to show Shaw everything I had ever learned. She bent down for a kiss.

“Happy birthday, Rule. I’m giving you me for now and forever, and if you want to give me back, I’m not going.”

I flipped us over and kissed her like it was the end of the world, kissed her like we would never get to kiss again, kissed her like, well, like I loved her and was never going to let her go. The slide of tongues and press of my lip ring imprinted on her how much I had missed her. The bite of teeth left marks that let the world know we were claimed and the press of nails into tender skin had both of us breathing hard.

By the time I got my hands between her legs and my mouth on that pretty jewelry decorating even prettier nipples, we were both a wild tangle of grasping need and less-than-tender groping. I felt her nails break skin on the curve above my ass as I worked her into a frenzy with my hands and mouth, but I wasn’t nearly done. We had been apart too long, and the weeks before when I was trying so hard to be something I wasn’t, I had tainted something that was amazing between us and now I wanted to erase all of that. My girl had other ideas.

“Rule.” She had one hand pulling on my hair and the other reaching between us in search of my cock, which was throbbing insistently between our stomachs. “While I appreciate the foreplay and the fact that nice Rule is clearly gone, if you don’t fuck me in the next two seconds I’m going to scream. It’s been too long.”

Her eyes were bright and shiny and even though I would have liked to get her off at least once before unleashing all my pent-up sexual frustration on her, it didn’t look like she was going to give me a choice in the matter. I grunted because her fingers curled around my dick and slid across the skin stretched tight by the barbells and my rampant erection. She wasn’t playing fair so I lifted myself up in a vertical push-up so that I was poised at her burning-hot entrance and let her guide me home. We both went still at the initial contact; the absolute perfection of the two of us together like this was just a lot to take in and we had to give it a minute to sink in. She hitched her hips up and I slid all the way in until both of us let out a different swear word.

It wasn’t slow and sweet, more like frantic and wild, but it was wonderful and so damn hot I thought we were going to burn each other up. The metal in her tight nipples made me growl every time they brushed against my chest, and I could feel it every time the top ball on the head of my cock hit her clit because her body bowed up and her breathing got choppy and wild. It was the kind of sex I could only have with her, and when I felt her come apart around me I realized I might not really know what love was on my end, but I recognized it clearly shining out of her when she looked at me like that. I couldn’t help but feel she had to see the same thing when I looked at her. I picked up the pace, felt her run her hands up and down my back and grab on to my ass, and then shattered into a brilliant mess that I didn’t ever want to put back together.

She turned her head and kissed me on the temple. “Love you.”

I pressed my face into the curve where her neck met her shoulder and sucked the skin between my teeth. “I’m going to love you, Shaw.”

Her eyes crinkled at the sides. “You already do.”

I didn’t have to say anything because I figured she was probably right. Me and this girl had spent too much time trying to be too many different things to too many people for too many wrong reasons. Now it was up to us to be ourselves for each other and love each other for all the right reasons. As she curled up next to me and threw her leg across my waist I knew that somehow this is how it was always supposed to be and maybe, just maybe, this was a gift I could share with Remy because I was happy, Shaw was happy, and ultimately, that’s all he would have wanted for either of us.