Читать книгу The Marked Men Series Books 1–6: Rule, Jet, Rome, Nash, Rowdy, Asa - Jay Crownover - Страница 24

“Hey, you got a minute?”

I looked up from the drawing of an old-school pirate ship I was working on when my brother’s voice surprised me from the doorway of my room. I was concentrating so hard that I hadn’t heard him come in, and my mind was a million miles away because for the second night in a row, Shaw had come up with some lame-ass excuse to hang by herself and it was pissing me off.

I was actively making an effort to behave in a way I thought good boyfriends were supposed to act. I was being considerate, attentive, deferring to her wishes and not pushing for anything—so generally being a giant pussy—and letting her call all the shots. It wasn’t getting me a damn thing, even in bed. I wanted to be a guy who wouldn’t give her a reason to walk away, who would make her happy so that she didn’t have to battle my mood swings and outbursts of crazy. I was trying, with limited success, to be a guy she wanted to keep around—especially since Davenport was still floating around unhinged, but my new and improved attitude seemed to be achieving the opposite result. I had spent the last two nights tossing and turning because I was used to her soft form curled up next to mine. I was too irritated to just call her and tell her I was over it and coming over anyway because I knew it was what we both wanted.

I tossed my pencil at Rome’s head and indicated he could come in if he wanted. “What’s up?”

He threw the pencil back at me and dropped heavily on the bed. He stuck his long legs out in front of him and crossed his ankles while reclining back on his elbows, making himself right at home.

“Still no word from Shaw?”

I bit back a growl because just thinking about it made me want to hurt things. “She says she has too much homework due tomorrow, so she’s just going to head home after work and do it.”

“Huh.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing just … huh.”

“Shut up, Rome. Your ‘huh’ never means nothing.”

“Well, it’s just odd that she hasn’t been around much the last couple days. Did you have a fight you didn’t tell me about?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

I scowled at him. “Yes, I’m sure we didn’t have a fight. Did you just come in here to harass me or did you actually want something?”

“Trying to change the subject?” I called him a nasty name and spun back around in my chair.

“If you’re just going to be annoying I have to finish this back piece I’m working on for a client.”

“I got my medical release today. The doc from Carson called a little while ago. That means I’m going wheels-up at the beginning of next week.”

I spun back around. He was trying to look relaxed but I could see the tension around his mouth and eyes.

“Your shoulder is going to be up to it?”

“That’s what they tell me.”

“How about you? Are you up to going back?”

“I guess I don’t really have a choice. I would feel better leaving if I knew things with you and Shaw were straight and she didn’t have some lunatic stalking her, and that Mom had agreed to get some help, but I guess miracles only happen in the movies.”

I grunted and rubbed my hands over my hair, which seemed to be getting longer by the minute. I was tempted to shave the Mohawk back, but in my head I knew Shaw shouldn’t be with a guy rocking hair like that, so I was keeping it normal and natural, though she told me on a regular basis how much she missed the hawk.

“Shaw and I are fine, so don’t worry about it. As for Mom, well, there’s nothing I can really do to help you with that. Promise me that you’re going to be safe. No more driving over bombs.”

“That wasn’t in the plan the first time. Look, I’m going to tell Mom and Dad. You know they’re going to want to do something since no one knows when I’ll be back or what condition I’m going to be in.”

“Rome, I can’t go through that with Mom again.”

“I’ll tell Dad to set something up at a restaurant or something. I’ll make sure he knows it has to be a family event, which means you will be there and so will Shaw. I’m not asking, little brother, I’m telling you. I’m about to go back to the desert for who knows how long, and I deserve a good family memory to take with me. Everyone can just suck it up for one night. I deserve that.”

“You saw how well it went last time and I wasn’t even provoking her.”

He sighed and pushed to his feet. “Do this for me, Rule, please.”

I didn’t want to, not when things with Shaw were weird and not after my mom had made her feelings about me so clear, but there wasn’t much I would deny my brother, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him when he said please. I growled a lot of really dirty words and let my head fall backward.

“Let me know when and where. I’ll tell Shaw, but you can’t get pissed and go back to the war all mad if Mom does what she tends to do and makes it ugly.”

“I don’t understand why we can’t all just be a goddamn family for once. I really don’t feel like that’s too much to ask.”

“You’re right, it’s not and I will do my part. Okay?”

“Thanks, bro, you’re only half as bad as everyone thinks.”

“Shut up.” I laughed and went back to my drawing. “Just so you know, I’m going to miss having your bossy ass around.”

He walked over to me and put me in a headlock. I struggled in vain trying to get loose but he was just too big and easily manhandled me.

“I’m going to miss your smart mouth and shitty attitude as well. Though this hair you have going on is stupid and not at all you, so I won’t miss that one bit.” He finally released me when I got a solid fist into his ribs. He let me go with a grunt and I pushed the nondescript locks off my forehead.

“You’re just worried that when I have normal-looking hair that people will start to realize that I’m much better looking than you.”

He lunged for me again and we wrestled around for a little bit like we used to do when we were kids, only now Rome was a giant with a solid fifty pounds on me, so it wasn’t much of a fight. He left with a promise to call and order something for dinner and it gave me a small measure of satisfaction to notice he was rubbing his ribs on his way out.

I pulled my phone out and stared at the screen. I hated that I was struggling with what I wanted to say to Shaw, that I was worrying over what words to use. I was so used to just saying and doing whatever I wanted, that this controlled and locked-down version of myself was getting old before it even started. I wrote out a quick message:

Rome just got his medical release. He’s going back to the desert on Monday.

I figured since she was working that she wouldn’t respond right away. It wasn’t like we had been engaging in any kind of deep philosophical conversations as of late.

Oh no! Are you okay?

I’d already lost one brother, so the idea that my remaining one had a job that constantly placed him in jeopardy most definitely meant I was not okay, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Rome’s sense of duty was part of what made him who he was, and I respected it and him far too much to let my feelings taint any of the fleeting time we spent together.

I’ve been better but he seems okay with it so what else is there to do?

Do you need me to come over after work?

I thought you had homework.

I do, but if you need me it can wait.

I did need her. I wanted to hold her and love all up on her, but not because she was feeling sorry for me, but because she wanted to be with me, too. I glared at the phone and at how complicated things seemed to have turned overnight.

Naw, I’m straight, but he wants to do a family dinner with EVERYBODY before he leaves. He’s going to have Dad set it up.

How’s that going to work with things between you and Margot?

Not just me, you’re coming, too.

I’m not worried about me.

Rome seems to think that since he’s shipping back out she’ll behave if he asks her to, but I have my doubts. He thinks if we do it someplace public she’ll behave.

It’s so sad you guys even have to worry about that in the first place.

Not the only one with family problems, Casper.

No, you’re not.

Have a good night.

There was a long pause and I didn’t think she was going to say anything back but after about five minutes my phone beeped with a new message.

I miss you, Rule.

I didn’t know what to say to that because I wasn’t the one pulling away this time. I clicked the screen off and went back to my drawing.

The next night, I was the one blowing off spending time with Shaw because I decided it was a great idea to take Rome out and at least attempt to get him laid before he went back overseas. Somehow, I ended up facedown in a fifth of Crown, so I’m pretty sure I failed and ended up being the worst wingman ever. Rome and Nash dropped me on the bed after practically carrying me home. It wasn’t until well after eleven the next morning, when I was attempting to shower and fake being human enough to show for work, that I noticed I had three missed calls and five missed messages from Shaw. They were all variations on the same thing: Where are you? What are you doing? Why aren’t you answering? Should I come by? Are you going to come by? They all made me cringe and swear. I felt guilty as hell because had things not been so strained between us I would have called her before I left or asked her to come with us. Instead, I had enjoyed just being my normal self and not putting any effort into being anybody’s perfect anything.

I was about to try to call her to explain when Rome came out of the hallway bathroom running a towel over his head. “You alive?”

“Barely. I need to call Shaw. I was too messed up last night to let her know what was going on.”

He gave me a sharp look. “I already called her. She texted me last night wondering what you were up to so I told her you were loaded and out of control. She sounds sad, worse than that, she sounds sad because of you.”

I growled a little and rested my elbows on the kitchen counter. “I know but I don’t know what I did wrong. I almost beat her ex to death in a parking lot but realized if I was going to act like a caveman I was going to lose her and not be around to protect her. I’ve been minding all my p’s and q’s and, let me tell ya, I had no idea how many of those little fuckers there were. But ever since I started, she’s been acting like I cheated on her or did some other horrible thing.”

“Rule, she liked you just fine when your p’s and q’s were all over the map. Stop trying to be something you aren’t and just let her love you. It’s not hard. Dad called and dinner is tonight at Ruth’s Chris downtown at six. I already told Shaw, so unless you want to grovel and apologize, you don’t need to call her.”

“They’re coming here?”

“Dad thought it would be good for Mom. He thought maybe getting her out of Brookside would break some of that hold the past has on her.”

“I guess we’ll see.”

“Rule.” I turned to look at him and was struck by the sincerity in his eyes. “Thank you for doing this for me. I know it isn’t easy for you.”

“I’m learning easy things never really pay off. It’s the things that make you work that really matter.”

“You’re still a little punk who can’t hold his liquor, but somewhere along the line you really did turn into a man I’m proud to call my brother.”

We stared at each other for a long moment—and I would kill before I admitted it—but my eyes totally welled up. I cleared my throat and pushed off the counter.

“Thanks, Rome. Now I gotta go see if I still have a girlfriend or if I managed to drink myself single last night.”

I was thinking about his words as I dialed Shaw’s number only to be sent to voice mail. I just had to let her love me; I wasn’t sure how to go about that but I knew whatever I was doing now wasn’t working. After her recorded greeting I left a gruff message.

“Hey, it’s me. I suck and I’m sorry. I should have called. I’m sure you were worried and if you had pulled that shit with me, I would have been climbing the walls. Really, I don’t have an excuse other than things have been off with us for a little bit and I’m trying to figure it out. Call me when you get this if you want. I’ll see you later tonight. I’m really sorry and I promise to stop trying to do things different when the old way was working just fine.”

I didn’t know what her response was going to be, I only knew that I had screwed up and I hoped it wasn’t too late to fix it. I finished getting ready for work without hearing from her. I burned through my first two appointments with no word from Shaw and I was starting to worry. I knew she had class today, but that didn’t normally stop her from hitting me up between sessions. I was tempted to call her again, but worried what getting sent to voice mail again would do to me, since I was already hanging on by a thread. I was cleaning up my final appointment of the day when I finally got a text from her:

I’ll see you at dinner.

That’s was all. There was no “I forgive you,” no “Yes, you suck, now let’s kiss and make up,” no “Everybody makes mistakes,” no “I’m so glad we’re getting things back to normal,” just “I’ll see you at dinner.” What was I supposed to do with that? This having a girlfriend business was starting to make my head hurt and I longed for the days when we were cordial enemies who only spent a few hours a week together. That wasn’t remotely true, but it made me feel a little better as I plodded home and changed into something that wouldn’t give my mom a fit.

I put on gray Dickies and a button-down plaid shirt with pearl snaps on it and changed out my studded leather belt for a plain black one. I left my boots on and made sure my unruly hair had just enough product in it to keep it a semi-styled mess. I still looked like me, just a me that my dad wouldn’t razz and my mom wouldn’t bitch about. I had to admit that I wanted Shaw to see that I could clean it up when the occasion called for it, but my head was so twisted where she was concerned, I tried not to spend too much time thinking about what her reaction would be when we finally saw each other.

Rome and I climbed into the truck to head to dinner. I could tell he was nervous by his silence on the ride down to the restaurant and I honestly couldn’t blame him since the last family get-together had gone so smashingly. To date, Mom still didn’t believe that she held any responsibility for the family rift. I wasn’t sure that meeting in public and having all this extra tension between Shaw and me was going to be a recipe for success, but I was determined to give Rome the send-off he deserved, and not let him leave disappointed in me or with too many reasons to worry about those he loved.

We parked in a crowded lot and shoved a couple dollars in the payment kiosk. As we made our way to the busy restaurant, we could see Mom and Dad waiting out front with Shaw. My breath quickened and something in my chest flipped over at the sight of her. It had only been a few days, but seeing her now I suddenly felt like we had spent years apart. She had changed her hair in the time that had passed; it was now drastically two-toned and looked badass next to her pale skin and bright eyes. Her cheeks were red from the cold and her green eyes were guarded as we got close. I could see my mom had a near death grip on Shaw’s arm and that she wasn’t exactly overjoyed with our arrival. Rome leaned in and kissed both of them on the cheek and shook Dad’s hand before moving to pull open the door. I opted for a chin lift and a raised eyebrow in Shaw’s direction.

“Hey.”

The corners of her mouth pulled down and my mom flat-out ignored me. “Hey. Let’s go inside, I’m freezing.” She let my mom pull her along and a little sliver of anger started to spark under my skin, but this wasn’t about me so I tried to tamp it down as my dad cupped me on the back of the neck and gave me a little shake. It was a gesture that made me feel like I was ten years old again, which was funny since I was about six inches taller than him now.

“This is a good thing for all of us, kiddo. Just be patient and we’ll all get better at being a unit again.”

“It’s just dinner, Dad. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“Well, we have to walk before we run, son, and as of now the Archers are barely managing a staggering limp. All we can do is move forward.”

I didn’t know what to say to that so I just kept my mouth shut and watched Shaw’s shapely form as the hostess guided our group to a table in the back of the building. My mom was jabbering nonstop at Shaw and she was occasionally nodding and making noises of agreement, but what she wasn’t doing at all was looking at me or acknowledging me in any way. The anger was starting to turn from a smolder to a burn. If something didn’t give soon, I was bound to do something I would regret later.

At the table, I ended up sandwiched between my brother and my girlfriend. One was looking at me warningly, and the other was watching me with eyes shrouded in sadness and accusation—two things I didn’t understand. I was ready to say the hell with it to get some answers. I didn’t get the chance because as soon as I turned to Shaw, the waitress appeared and we were busy ordering drinks. My mom once again hijacked all Shaw’s attention.

Just to test the waters, I put a hand on her thigh under the table and felt her tense at my touch. I waited for her to move or to pry it off with her own hand but she didn’t even stop the flow of conversation with my mom. It was obvious that they had missed each other. I felt a stab of guilt that, because of her loyalty and feelings for me, Shaw had missed out on a relationship she obviously appreciated. I let my dad and brother draw me into a conversation about the Broncos and kept an eye on Shaw as we ordered dinner. She never moved my hand but she never once looked my way, either. I didn’t know what to make of it. I was grateful, however, that as long as my mom was focused on her she didn’t so much as bat an eyelash in my direction, allowing the dinner to go as smoothly as it could, considering the circumstances. Dad ordered a bottle of champagne with dessert and before it showed up my mom went to use the restroom, finally giving Shaw a chance to turn and look at me. When she did her mouth was tight and her superlight eyebrows were furrowed over her eyes.

“We need to talk.”

My own eyebrows shot up so hard they pulled against the hoops pierced there. “That’s kind of hard to do when you won’t answer the phone when I call and you make up lame-ass excuses to avoid spending time with me.”

I saw her flinch and she leaned closer so that our heads were bent near each other. She hissed in a tone low enough that only I could hear, “Well, excuse me for not knowing what to say to you, considering the last time we didn’t talk for a few days you stuck your tongue down the first willing girl’s throat. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I feel like you’re turning into a stranger and I hate it.”

I scowled at her and tightened my fingers on her leg. “Do you trust me at all? Geez, Shaw, maybe I was just trying to be a better boyfriend—one who doesn’t flip out over stupid shit all the time and one who isn’t in jail while your psycho ex is still on the prowl? Maybe I was trying to act right for a change. I was trying to be the kind of guy you deserve.”

She blew out a hard breath through her clenched teeth and her emerald-colored eyes sharpened with an anger that I was surprised to see burned as hot as mine. “Maybe you should have asked me before deciding what I deserve, Rule. Maybe I liked the you that flips out over stupid shit. Maybe I miss the you that is passionate enough about me, about my safety, to risk going to jail over my psycho ex, and I sure as hell never asked for you to be a better boyfriend. In fact, the boyfriend you’ve been the last week has done nothing but make me confused and sad.”

I don’t think either of us realized that we had raised our voices or that we now had a captive audience. In fact, it took my mom making a noise low in her throat like a wounded animal as she wobbled on her heels to get our attention. She was looking from me to Shaw with huge eyes, and had a hand pressed hard into her chest. My dad looked far less surprised, but worried about my mom as usual.

“What did you just call him?”

Shaw looked at my mom, then back at me. She sighed and answered softly like she was afraid the news would shatter the woman before her. “Rule and I have been seeing each other for a little over a month now. I told him to stop acting like he needed to be someone else to be a good boyfriend.” She turned to look at me and I could see her doing some kind of internal warfare with herself. Finally, she sucked in a deep breath and turned back to my mom. “I’ve been in love with him since I was fourteen, Margot.”

I went still at her confession and felt everything inside me turn to jelly. She loves me. This perfect, wonderful, kind young woman loves me and had for a long time. I didn’t know where to put that because my mom started blinking back tears, and for the first time that night turned her attention to me.

“It’s not enough that you took Remy’s life? You had to take the girl he loved from him, too?”

Stunned silence landed on the table like a ton of bricks. My instinct was to push away from the table and storm out of the restaurant, but I couldn’t because Shaw clamped a hand over mine on her leg. My dad and Rome both leapt to their feet in outrage. “Margot!” “Mom!” Voices were raised and the other patrons in the restaurant were starting to pay all kinds of attention to the scene we were making, but I was too stunned to care. I heard Shaw say my name, felt my brother put his hand on my shoulder, but I just wasn’t there. At least I wasn’t there until Shaw climbed to her feet, put her fingers in her mouth, and let out a whistle that had us all looking at her in shock. She put her hands on the table and leaned forward so that she was talking directly to my mom, but she made eye contact with all of us.

“Everyone shut up.” She pointed a finger at my mom and narrowed her eyes. “Listen to me, Margot, and for once you need to hear what I’m saying. I loved Remy, still do, but we were never in love. He knew how I felt about Rule and at times both encouraged and discouraged it, but at the end of the day he agreed that we don’t necessarily get to choose who we fall in love with.”

She took a deep breath and I watched her chest rise and fall. She was struggling with something, something big, if the flush on her face and the way her hands balled into fists were any indication.

“Remy had secrets. I know you boys were close, that you all loved and respected each other, but Remy was different from the two of you and he just didn’t know how to tell you. He thought that maybe it was best for everyone to just let all of you assume we were a couple because of how hard Dale and Margot were on Rule—and all he did was tattoo himself and wear his hair all crazy.”

She turned so that she was fully facing me and I saw she had tears in her eyes and that her bottom lip was trembling. I wanted to wrap her up in a hug and make it all better but even in the emotional shell shock I was experiencing, I knew her words were about to change my world forever.

“I promised him and I owed him so much. I swore on my life I would never tell anyone.” She let her gaze skip around the table and land on all of us. “But he would want his family healthy and whole more than he would want me to keep his secret.” She took a deep breath. “Remy was gay. He was my best friend, my surrogate family, but he was a homosexual. He was involved in a serious relationship with a guy named Orlando Fredrick that he met his last year playing ball. That was the real reason he moved to Denver after school. Lando goes to DU as well.”

Disbelief, foreign and cold, snaked up my spine. Rome let out a string of nasty words and my mom started bawling in earnest. Shaw turned sad eyes in my direction and I looked at her like I had never seen her before.

“No way. He would have told me.”

She shook her head, sending white and black hair sliding across her shoulders. “He wanted to, but he was worried you wouldn’t understand his desire to keep it quiet. He was scared you would push him to come out. It was never about worrying how you would react, he just knew it would kill Margot.”

“We were twins, goddamn it. He would have told me.”

“Rule.”

I pushed away from the table and glared down at her. “This is bullshit.”

Rome got to his feet as well and I noticed he was also looking at Shaw with hard eyes. “You don’t need to make up lies about the deceased to try to fix things for Rule. That’s desperate and uncalled for, Shaw.”

Tears trailed down her face as she looked back and forth between us. She opened her mouth to say something but was cut off by my dad clicking his spoon against the side of his champagne glass.

“All right everybody, sit down and shut the hell up.” He cut a hard look at my mom and pointed to the seat she had vacated moments before. She looked like she was going to faint, and about as happy to sit next to Shaw as she did when I stopped by a few weeks ago. I sat back down grudgingly but, surprisingly, Rome was the holdout. He hovered by the back of his chair until my dad glared at him and pointed. “Ass in the chair, soldier.”

Shaw was crying next to me and now instead of wanting to comfort her, all I wanted to do was get as far away from her as possible. My dad cleared his throat and crossed his arms on the table.

“Things in this family have been in shambles for a long time. There has been too much dishonesty and too much subterfuge for everyone’s sake and I’m done trying to sweep it all under the rug just to keep my wife happy, because she isn’t. None of us are.”

He rubbed a hand over his chin and suddenly he looked a hundred years older than he actually was. “Margot, don’t pretend to not know that the way you’ve been treating Rule these last few years is cruel and uncalled for. I lost my son the same as you and I’m done watching you try to turn his twin into a stranger or someone who hates us. He’s a good boy; he works hard, loves his family, and clearly has qualities that are good enough for our girl to appreciate. I’m finished freezing him out. We both know Shaw has been in love with him since she was a kid. We saw the way she watched him, the way she defended him, and don’t think for one second I didn’t notice that’s why you were always trying to shove her in Remy’s direction.”

He heaved a sigh that seemed like it came all the way from my youth and looked at me and Rome. “Shaw isn’t lying to you, boys. Your brother was a homosexual. He might not have wanted your mother and me to know about it, but teenagers are crap liars and he wasn’t exactly as discreet as he might have thought.” He slid a sideways look at my mom while Rome and I gave each other shocked looks. “Margot thought it was a phase; that’s the main reason she was so eager to welcome Shaw into our home and family. At first she was convinced you were going to change him, make him like girls or, more specifically, like you, but like I said, it was pretty obvious your interest was in Rule. After a while, we just adored you so much and saw how much love you were missing and how much you had to give that we couldn’t let you go, even though I never approved of the way Remy let everyone just believe there was more between you two than friendship.”

I growled. “He would have told me.” I smacked the flat of my hand on the table and my dad glared at me.

“No, son, he wouldn’t have. Remy struggled with it. He struggled with who he was supposed to be versus who everyone else thought he was, and that’s not something you’ve ever done. You’ve always owned you, and screw anyone who didn’t like it.”

I looked at Shaw and then at the table. I had tried to change for her and it had been an epic failure. I climbed to my feet again and let my gaze fall on my mom.

“I don’t understand why you’ve never been able to love me the way I am when you obviously had the capacity to love him regardless of his choice not to tell everyone the truth. He lied to all of us for years. It just doesn’t make sense. I need to get out of here.”

“I’m with you.” Rome looked as wild as I was feeling on the inside. I looked down when a soft hand clasped around my forearm. I flinched involuntarily and I think I actually saw her heartbreak in her eyes.

“Rule.” Her voice was a broken whisper. “I’m sorry.” She let me go and I almost couldn’t talk over the lump in my throat.

“I understand what you meant about those closest to you hurting you the most now. I’ll be in touch.” But as Rome and I hurried out of the restaurant, I wasn’t sure I was telling her the truth and I refused to think about how much walking away from her like this hurt.