Читать книгу Our Collective Life - JD Kennedy - Страница 29

Linda remained silent, torn with how she was feeling. On the one hand, she knew something drastic had to be done. Jo had risked all their existence through her actions. Yet, she kept going back to that conversation with David. If they included Jo more, would they understand her better? Would that mean she/they would be able to control her suicidal impulses and they would all be safer from her attempts? David seemed to feel she was much more than just the original, the one born into the body. And while normally Linda could dismiss what someone from outside the Collective thought, David had been working with them for years, two and three times a week. So he knew them very well. And if he had a thought as to why something happened within the Collective, he was usually right. It was annoying at times, but he sometimes seemed to know the Collective better than they understood themselves.

Which begged the question - was Jo capable of much more than they were giving her credit for? Was she more than just the shell they had always seen her as?

** ** **

Linda decided to speak with Toni and see what she thought. Toni was very practical and down to earth. She was also very honest, to the point of brutality. The word in the Collective was she was unable to lie at all – a by-product of the mother’s style of upbringing.

“I’m not sure what you are asking.” Toni was saying.

“I just want to know what you think. David is usually right about things, and if he thinks there is a need to find out about Jo, maybe he is right about this as well.”

“Frankly, I don’t see that it matters. Perhaps he is right, perhaps he is not. But the fact still remains, Trudi has Jo in lockdown and that is the end of it.”

“But is it? Is it the end of it?”

“Of course it is. Trudi made the best decision for the Collective, then Demise enforced it.”

“Do you really believe that, Toni? I mean, honestly?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t you have any feelings about what has happened with Jo? I mean ok, she did the wrong thing, I get that. But I don’t know, did she deserve to get the crap beaten out of her? Then locked up for God knows how long?”

“Trudi wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t the best thing for us. If Jo was left to her own devices, she would have eventually succeeded and what would have happened to us once she killed the body? This was the best thing for us all, and the sooner you accept that, the better.”

“I don’t think I can accept it, Toni. I really don’t. I just think what it would be like if I was locked up the way Jo is.”

“She isn’t one of us. She isn’t a full person, you know that.”

“Isn’t she? How do we know that?”

“What do you mean, how do we know?” Toni looked genuinely puzzled. “Linda, I don’t understand where these questions are coming from. These are things we have always known, why are you questioning it?”

Linda threw up her hands “I don’t know! I just have been thinking, thinking about Jo and how she was handled. It just isn’t sitting right with me. Even if I believe she is just a shell and she’s not a full person, I don’t know if she deserved to be beaten and then locked up indefinitely. It’s not her fault she is the way she is, surely you know that. It’s the mother and the relative, that’s the reason why Jo is so fragmented, why she is so damaged. So we are punishing her for being raised by the mother? For going through trauma with the relative? How is that fair?”

As always, Trudi seemed to know what was happening in the dining room within and she arrived. She listened to Linda albeit in her detached manner, before she interjected “Linda, you seem to be having trouble understanding the most fundamental principles of the Collective. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one, you know that.”

“I know that is what you say yes, of course I do. You have drummed it into our heads since we first arrived. But I don’t see how that helps Jo.”

“It does not help Jo, it helps the Collective. In this instance, Jo is the one, her needs are far outweighed by the needs of the Collective as a whole.”

“She didn’t deserve the punishment she received. The more I think about it, the more I think David is right. If she is the way she is because of the mother, how can we, in good conscience, punish her?”

“The doctor is not in the Collective. He cannot grasp the full extent of what the Collective must do to survive. Jo was threatening the existence of the Collective, you do understand what would have happened if she succeeded, don’t you?”

“I’m not an idiot, of course I understand. But couldn’t it be that more safeguards are needed, rather than such a beating and then being locked up?”

“We do not fully understand how she succeeded to the point she did. Twice. Without fully grasping how she did it, how do you propose we stop it recurring?”

Linda knew that Trudi had a point. Yet she could not accept what had happened.

Linda tried to reason with Trudi once more. “But can’t you see we are punishing her for what the mother and the relative did to her?”

“That is of no relevance. It is of little consequence why Jo is the way she is.”

“How can it not be relevant? We are here because of what Jo went through as a child, aren’t we? And now we are punishing her for those things.”

“What Jo and indeed, the Collective endured was…unfortunate. However Jo’s suffering does not give her the right to end the physical body’s existence. And do not ever forget what the Collective endured far surpassed anything that Jo herself had to experience - yet we do not attempt to destroy the physical body.”

Linda was clearly getting quite upset. So much so, she did not notice that firstly she had raised her voice, and secondly, Demise had entered the room. When she saw Trudi hold up her hand very slightly to someone behind her, she realised. She had gone too far and Demise was there to make sure Linda calmed down. Realising she was not going to ever have them understand her point of view, she bowed her head in defeat.

“You will never understand my position, will you?” she said, sadly.

“You need to remember the Collective. You need to remember that our combined needs outweigh Jo’s. If she has to endure punishment or confinement to ensure the Collective continues, then so be it.”

Linda nodded, knowing there was nothing she could say that would change Trudi’s mind, and if she continued, she could be next on the receiving end of Demise’s wrath.

“How is she? Can you tell me that, at least?” Linda asked Trudi.

Trudi was silent for a moment, seeming to choose her words carefully in a manner that was somewhat out of character for her.

“She is very weak,” she finally said.

“Will she be ok?”

Trudi looked at Demise, and something unspoken passed between them. Trudi then simply said “Whatever happens, the Collective will endure.”

** ** **

Linda was sitting in David’s office, and she had just finished telling him about her conversation with Trudi.

David listened quietly, then said “So, no idea how Jo is, other than she is weak. That’s a shame, I do worry about how she is going.”

“I know. Trudi was just her usual cryptic self –‘the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one’, crap.”

“Crap?” David looked amused, his eyebrow raised enquiringly.

Linda waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. “Oh, I know it has to be that way, and I do understand why, I really do. But it’s just hard when I can’t get a straight answer, and Trudi pretty much pleads the fifth, by using that.”

“That makes sense. Has this ever happened before that you know of? Oh, I know Demise being aggressive happens, but what about locking a member up? Has that happened before that you know of?”

“No, not that I am aware of.” Linda let the fact David called Jo a ‘member’ pass. She was dealing with too much at the moment to cope with that whole conversation.

“So you have no idea what could happen from here?”

“Not really, no. Trudi has said Jo is to be locked up indefinitely, which is one of the things that really bothers me.”

She didn’t know why this was affecting her as much as it was. Her reaction to Jo was something she didn’t understand –and she had told David as much.

David listened to everything she said, then when she was quiet, he said “You have always had a level of empathy that many of the others in the Collective do not have and it seems as a result, they possibly cannot understand.”

“Well, I have to be honest, I wish I didn’t sometimes.”

David tried to reason with her “But this ability to care is something that has served both you and the Collective as a whole well. I’m sure you have been called upon many times to step in when empathy and understanding was needed to be shown. Maybe even with the mother?” he queried, raising his eyebrow once more.

“Possibly,” Linda said, not wanting to get into a conversation about the mother. “But I am getting tired of feeling this. Especially when it comes to Jo. I am totally alone in feeling like this is wrong.”

“You seem to have more concern for Jo than the others,” David agreed.

“It would be easier if I just didn’t care, I think. Sometimes I am envious of Toni’s limited emotions. It’s not like me caring helps, it just makes me feel upset. I mean, it doesn’t serve any purpose, does it?

“Doesn’t it?”

“Well, obviously not. All it got me was a threat of being bashed from Demise.”

David seemed thoughtful, and Linda gave him some space to mull things over. When he spoke again, he was obviously choosing his words. “I think it does serve a purpose.” Linda looked up, surprised. He continued “I think possibly you caring gives the Collective a different perspective.”

Linda must have looked puzzled, as he tried to explain “Without you to question their actions, to bring a…” he struggled to find the right word, his hands gesturing “…a more humanistic view, then maybe more decisions would be made that didn’t take empathy into account at all.”

Linda thought about it, but it didn’t really help her feel better. David chuckled, “I know, it doesn’t help right now, does it? But maybe, once you have thought about it for a while, it may.”

Dammit, he knew her so well. It often took a while for the things David said to sink in and make a difference.