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Unhealthy Habits

Here, we’re going to tackle the not-necessary habits which many people accumulate and find hard to shift – from alcohol, cigarettes and prescription and non-prescription drugs to online porn.

We drink, don’t we? Champagne to celebrate, Prosecco to mark the end of the week, a glass of rosé on the first night of summer, G&Ts in the interval at the theatre: somewhere during the 1980s drinking regularly, perhaps at home, and even alone, became acceptable for women and men in a way previously unknown.

Some of us smoke – fewer than in the past, you might think. Yet one in five Britons is still a smoker, according to the Health & Social Care Information Centre.

There are also increasing issues with over-the counter (OTC) drugs containing codeine or non-prescription sleeping tablets. One in three people aged between 18 and 24 now take OTC pills once every 24 hours, according to a report by OnePoll – often at the slightest hint of pain, research reveals. And let’s not forget those taking legal highs, illegal drugs such as cocaine or cannabis, or habitually viewing pornography online. They may describe this as recreational behaviour – but what an odd word to use about something that is potentially dangerous.

As with the healthy guidelines around food, you would really need to be living on a remote island with no Wi-Fi to not know that smoking has been linked to numerous serious illnesses, that codeine dependency is a real concern for GPs and what the healthy levels are for alcohol consumption. Indeed, the latest guidelines from the chief medical officer for England recommend abstaining from alcohol for at least two days a week and stress that there is no ‘safe’ alcohol intake and even drinking small amounts could contribute to diseases such as cancer.

So, the facts are there: on the radio, in magazines, on TV and on the Internet – but even so, are you like the ‘three wise monkeys’ when it comes to your unhealthy habits? See no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil: just get the bottle open.

We’d encourage you at this point to think about whether you feel in thrall to a habit (be it a tranquiliser or a joint) and no longer in control of this situation.

EXERCISE: The Pasta Jar

What was your reaction to this section? Did you think – ‘this is nothing to do with me, I have no bad habits’? Or perhaps, ‘people always worry too much about me drinking/smoking, but I am totally in control’? Or maybe you wondered if you rely on your habits too much and are afraid to examine them more closely?

Take a bag of dried pasta and a large clear glass jar or vase. Every time you indulge your habit – have a glass of wine/cigarette/painkiller, for example – you are going to place one pasta piece in the container. But here’s the twist, we also want you to place a piece of pasta in the jar every time you think about your habit as well.

Be as honest as you can. Every morning when you wake up, take a picture of the jar on your phone so you can compare them at the end of the week. You may be surprised which day saw the most pasta placed in the jar. Think through the day and note down in your Learning Journal what you believe happened that triggered the urge to turn to your habit.

At the end of one week, congratulate yourself on completing the exercise. Now take a look at your jar (or jars). What is your response to the final jar? Are you surprised?

It might be that you have less of a problem than you thought. Is there cause for worry, or does it feel as if you have been ‘good’? Have you been completely honest with your pasta jar?

This is the start of you gaining a clearer understanding of what’s going on. Don’t be self-critical at this point; be kind to yourself. This is about arming yourself with information you can use to help draw a new healthy self-boundary.

BRING IN THE BOUNDARIES:

Your Unhealthy Habit Plan

Picture yourself at your debating table. In the middle of the table is your habit of choice. In this example, we’ll refer to a bottle of wine but you know the item that would be there for you. Now, cast your eye around the table. What is the reaction from your different selves to this item? Make a note of this in your Learning Journal and really consider the thoughts and feelings that go with that.

Let’s picture a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc on the table. A controlling parental voice might be saying, ‘What’s the fuss? A drink before and with dinner every night is what we do.’ A rebellious child might be saying, ‘Yippee! I can have as much as I want.’ Another child voice might be saying, ‘I don’t like the taste but if I have a drink I can be more fun.’

The voice that may be missing is the nurturing parent saying, ‘But what’s best for us?’ Note that the Adult at the table will be weighing up the opinions but perhaps cannot get a word in edgeways for all the chatter going on. Many people will recognise this sense of internal debate which seems to accompany habitual behaviour. You may even feel the urge to reach for a bottle in response to the mental chatter as a way of silencing it.

So, what’s going on? Once you commence the habit you are knowingly shutting up the Adult voice, forcing them away from the debating table altogether to prevent their moderating influence on the internal melee. Another way of looking at this is to imagine that the consequence of your ‘bad habit’ is to allow the Child and Parent voices at your debating table to run the show with all the chaotic results and misunderstandings you can imagine.

This internal debate will have a knock-on effect not just on how much time or energy gets put into the habit, but on your external behaviour too.

For example, the critical parent voice, being judgemental and defensive, may get free reign and you might hear ‘you don’t know how to behave’ or ‘you’re useless’. These types of remarks are directed at yourself or let loose on others. Alternatively, indulging in our habit may see that internal Child let out to start dancing on the table and ignoring societal conventions, resulting in risky behaviour.

So, who were the loudest influencers around your table?

If it’s the child, perhaps you need more opportunities to let go in your life? If that one glass too many equates to the only time you get to dance on the tables, why aren’t you letting that side of yourself out in your life as a healthy part of it? Perhaps consider going to a comedy club or taking up salsa.

If the loudest voice is venting spleen at another, what is it you are not saying when you are sober in that relationship? If the anger is voiced at yourself, why are you so harsh on yourself? If you are dealing with this quietly every day, then the lack of self-kindness needs to be addressed.

Remember: a healthy self-boundary means taking all of those voices into consideration, but the Adult makes the decision.

So how about creating some healthy self-boundaries instead, whatever your habit. Bear in mind that habits can travel in packs. Changing one may well inspire a healthy knock-on effect on others, so if this sounds like you, start with a self-boundary around one habit that feels doable. Once that boundary feels secure, you can work on the others. Here are a few tips:

• No ‘day off’ your habit? Ask yourself why that is. What is keeping you in this habit? Take a ‘day off’ a week as a starting place; make sure that day has something nice in it, like a special meal, luxury bath, dance class, game of footie, or favourite TV show.

• Once the first day is established, you may notice you are pleased to be in charge – and not the habit. Think about your pasta jar.

• Make it difficult to indulge your habit. Don’t keep quantities to hand – whatever it is.

If you notice that you really can’t or won’t put changes regarding your habits in place, do talk to a professional about it. You might need some extra support to help you make the changes.

Draw the Line: parents know what’s best for their children, but all too often fail to offer the same level of care for themselves.

See yourself making changes to your unhealthy habits not as a series of denials but as chances to add to your quality of life and experience. Habits mean what they say – you keep doing the same thing for the same reason, but not understanding your motivation and so you don’t reap the reward you really need. For example, if you can’t sleep without a sleeping pill, wouldn’t it be better to establish the cause of your insomnia and treat that instead? Or to resolve the stress that has you reaching for a cigarette or bottle every evening?

Note down how you feel now about your unhealthy habit and what action you intend to take in your Learning Journal.