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Sleep

We’d like you to look at establishing good self-boundaries around sleep first. We start with sleep as these self-boundaries will put you in a much healthier, more relaxed and mentally stronger place to decide what you want for yourself and from others.

When we don’t have enough sleep, the competing voices in our head are louder and harder to analyse; think how difficult it is to make a decision if you are overtired and how easy it is to overreact emotionally to situations you might otherwise shrug off. We’re sure you can think of a problem that seemed to solve itself or diminish after a good night’s sleep.

BRING IN THE BOUNDARIES:

Your Sleep Plan

How well do you sleep? Are you resigned to your sleep pattern or constantly in a state of stress about it? Perhaps you recognise one or more of these sleep issues: the struggle to drop off, intermittent sleeping, waking up tired, waking up too early, wanting to sleep during the day, or needing to catch up at weekends? Whatever the issue, a new sleep self-boundary will be of huge benefit. So, let’s start.

Set your own perfect bedtime. Start by keeping a sleep diary and note each evening when you start to feel properly tired, not just a weary sensation. We mean the type of tiredness that means you will fall asleep quickly. As you set your sleep boundary, this feeling may take a few weeks to become recognisable, and your proper time to fall asleep may be earlier or later than you believed or wanted.

Once you have clocked this ideal go-to-sleep time, work backwards from it to establish a bedtime. How long does it take to lock up, put the cat out and turn the dishwasher on? How long for teeth cleaning, etc.? What’s an ideal reading time if you enjoy a book in bed or want to make time for sex?

So, the night-time ritual might read: 10 p.m. – put the dishwasher on, check the front door; 10.15 p.m. – clean teeth, check on children; 10.30 p.m. – in bed; 11 p.m. – fall asleep.

Note that this doesn’t include time for gadgets in bed – even podcasts or your favourite TV show. Electrical devices need to be banned from the bedroom. Notice your response to this ban; part of you probably doesn’t like this idea. It may be your inner child wanting its toys, but the Adult you knows that toys don’t help you sleep well. You might use TV or late-night music as a form of comfort to help you drop off – even though you often wake later if the programme changes abruptly or switches off. Another little voice in your head may be warning that you will feel worse if you try to stop this habit, as it acknowledges that you have become reliant on audio-visual stimulation. Perhaps this means you don’t ever get through REM sleep – the light dreamlike state – into the deep sleep state where the body starts repairing itself.

So, what can you do at bedtime? The simple answer is sleep, sex and reading – as long as you don’t end up more awake. With reading in mind, any subject matter is fine but it must not be work-related, or disturbing, or depressing. You can use a Kindle-like device if the illumination is adjusted so your retinas are not being exposed to blue – or daylight-type – light, which is known to affect sleep patterns.

It’s ideal to keep the same sleep routine seven days a week, so this means no super-late weekend lie-ins. An exception might be if you may have to get up early for work at a time you know is not ideal for yourself. Allow yourself to sleep later on non-work days, but don’t exceed a normal, healthy eight hours.

Some people experience waking in the night. When this happens, we have little reasoning available to us at that time, which is why we may feel anxious or frightened (like a Child). Or we may become self-critical – going over our day and all the things we got wrong or berating ourselves for what we haven’t done (as a Parent might). In the bright light of day, we know this isn’t helpful but at night we feel marooned in our fear. So, what to do?

Soothing yourself back to sleep

Waking up in the night is especially tough. Here’s how to get back to sleep again – by soothing yourself.

First, take the stress out of trying to get to sleep by realising that simply resting in itself is good. Are there only two hours of sleep before you get up? Reframe that: that’s a whole two hours of rest you will be having.

Second, be kind to yourself. Notice that you are warm, comfortable and can relax and rest. In doing that you may realise that you are too hot/cold. Open a window, have a fresh pillow by your bed that will be cool, or have a blanket by your bed to warm yourself up.

Some are familiar with the practice of giving yourself a hard time emotionally at night: ‘I should have done a better job yesterday; I shouldn’t have snapped at my partner.’ Rather than speaking like a cross Parent to yourself, purposefully move to being nurturing – ‘Come on, now is not the time to be thinking these things.’ And make the tone gentle, as if you were talking to an anxious child: ‘Rest now and tomorrow it can be sorted out.’ This really isn’t the time to be dealing with problems.

You may also feel nervous or scared: ‘What if my partner hates me for what I said earlier? Am I useless at my job? What’s that noise?’ Again, be kind and tell yourself: ‘Come on, it’s OK. I can sort this out tomorrow, now is not the time to be fretting.’

The revolving bedroom door

What if your sleep is affected by others – be they nomadic children, pets on the bed, or a duvet-snatching partner? How can your self-boundaries manage the behaviour of others?

What parent doesn’t know the patter of small sleepy feet when your child is coming in for a midnight cuddle, story, glass of water, or other excuse to see Mummy and Daddy?

Keeping your child out of your bed may be a tough self-boundary as you respond to an almost primeval need to protect the young. But caveman parents didn’t have to set an alarm, get children to school, commute to an office and then spend a day full of reports, meetings and office politics. You don’t have the luxury of time, however, you do have the greater luxury of safety. You don’t need to be on high alert 24/7 to protect your child from hungry bears.

Ask yourself if you need to be either in the same room as your child, or sleeping with one ear open in case they need you to pay a visit to them. Stand back and look at 365 days a year. Realistically, how often is a child going to need you in the night? Unless they have a chronic condition or a serious illness, the chances are that it will be just a handful of nights. Yet many parents feel and behave as though the call could come at any time every night. Notice the difference between reality and fantasy. Think, too, how much better it would be for the whole family if – should illness occur – a parent is already rested.

We’re going to look at sleep boundaries for children later on in the book. For now, though, the key to keeping children in their own beds is consistency. When a child invader comes in, be calm and reassuring as you take them back to their bed firmly but with kindness. Be consistent in your parenting and do give it time. A few weeks at least to re-establish good habits for all the family. Be patient and remember that it wouldn’t be fair to your child to break the new boundary and let them sleep in your bed one night a week or when your partner’s away. Note your reaction to this – are you feeling defensive?

Do notice the first time you get a good night’s sleep and congratulate yourself on establishing a well-held boundary. Some are tougher than others to put in place.

But children are not the only nocturnal visitors or additional bed guests. You may feel that the comfort you get from allowing a trusted pet companion to share your sleeping space helps you to nod off. But, if you are having sleepless nights, Fido may be to blame.

Vets warn that animal nocturnal behaviour is not compatible with the human sleep cycle – cats, for example, may wake you in the small hours for food or company as this suits their natural biorhythms. Interestingly, dogs may see the bed as their territory and push you to the edges as they stretch, scratch and snore. Your dog here is the one with the strong self-boundary as he or she has claimed the territory of the bed as their own and is defending it to the detriment of your sleep. How often have we heard pet owners ‘jokingly’ recount nights spent curled up at the edge of the bed while their Alsatian stretches out in luxury? They may then shrug and say, ‘What can you do? I wouldn’t be able to sleep without him.’

If this is you, put the question of pets in your bed to your internal debating table. Which is the loudest voice at the table? Is it the Parental part of you, which has turned Fido into a substitute or additional child and worries about him feeling neglected or lonely if kept in another room? Is it your rebellious voice – maybe responsible for that defensive feeling mentioned earlier – saying, ‘My parents wouldn’t let me have a pet, so I am going to love this one however I choose and break all their rules’? Or, is it your anxious Child, who wants both the comfort of the living cuddly toy and the protection the dog represents against potential burglars or even monsters in the night?

Listen to the voices but now challenge what they are saying. If Fido is there for comfort, but you are not sleeping well, how much good is that doing you? If you are sleeping eight good hours a night, that comfort would not be so necessary.

Draw the Line: good self-care doesn’t equal self-spoiling. It’s not about indulging yourself but taking mature decisions.

We’re going to assume that a mature dog or cat or a young animal can be trained. First, create a comfy sleeping area for them in a separate room well away from your own bedroom. Be consistent with not allowing them to sleep anywhere else. If they try to join you, cry or chew, be calm and reassuring but don’t give in. As with re-training children at night, do give it time. Be persistent and consistent. If this isn’t enough, you may want to bring in a dog behaviourist to help.

Or is it your beloved keeping you awake? This may be through sleep talking, snoring, restlessness, duvet-hogging, hot flushes, early starts, or late nights. It may not be a new problem – but just because their sleeping behaviour is entrenched in your family bed there is no reason to put up with its consequences. All these problems have a root cause so that’s where you’ll find your sleep solution.

Sleep talking: if this is the problem, don’t wake them up when it is happening. Reassure them in their sleep that everything is OK. Sleep talking is often the result of an anxious brain processing during the night. Talk to them about what might be troubling them and suggest that they write down their worries before they go to sleep. Through talking they may realise there is a problem to address, and want to get some outside help.

Persistent snoring: this needs a chat with the GP to assess physical symptoms as snoring can be a sign of sleep apnoea and other breathing difficulties. A doctor may suggest lifestyle changes such as weight loss or interventions including day surgery. Perhaps this sounds like something which might lead to a row, with the non-snorer suffering guilt and the snorer feeling shame and resentment? But there is nothing wrong with caring for yourself and others, and this is a classic example of such a moment. By encouraging your snoring partner to seek help, you could well be encouraging them to make a dramatic improvement to their health overall. The peace at night is a beneficial by-product to the relationship as a whole – and who could argue with that?

Restlessness: this can be caused by lifestyle issues such as caffeine consumption, not enough exercise, weight issues, or too much alcohol. This is a good example of where your self-boundaries can be weakened by someone else’s lack of boundaries. We’ll come back to this later in the book, but for now ask your partner what they can do to improve any/all of these areas.

Duvet hogging: get two duvets.

Hot flushes (for you and/or your partner): having your own duvet will help. A fan is useful, as is bedding made of natural fibres, including silk. Talk to your GP about natural ways to support the menopause and discuss whether hormone replacement therapy (HRT) might be right for you or your partner.

Early starts or late nights: shift work can take a toll on many relationships because it does disturb everyone’s sleep. Simple tricks like leaving clothes for the next day in another room and minimising all chances of disruption can help. Sleep masks can be useful too. Conversations and mutual consideration are key.

Draw the Line: self-boundaries don’t just mean being firm with ourselves, but with others. Sometimes the greatest threat to you building a strong set of self-boundaries comes from the person you love most.

You’ll notice how in order to achieve your sleep self-boundary in a situation where you share your bed, your co-sleeper will have to put some boundaries in place too. Whether this means addressing their own health, their attitude to bedtime, or talking about their feelings more, your partner’s self-boundary is linked to yours. Throughout the book, there will be examples of this and sometimes you will find this challenging. Our self-boundaries are crucial to our personal wellbeing but they will have an effect on those closest to us. This is not a reason to give up as the case history on fitness in the next section shows.

EXERCISE: Simple Body Scan(Listen to this exercise here)

Trouble getting to sleep or maybe you suffer from 3 a.m. wakefulness? With time, this will help you to relax and head off to the Land of Nod.

Practice this during the day when you can be on your own and not disturbed. Either lying in your bed or on a sofa, take a few breaths, settle yourself and close your eyes.

Now imagine a light above your body. It can be any colour you find comforting – white, lilac, gold – and it can be warm or cool as suits your surroundings and mood.

Start at your toes and visualise the light moving slowly up to your head and back down again, relaxing each muscle as you go. As it shines on different parts of your body, mentally and physically relax the muscles there.

Allow yourself to sink into the bed and breathe slowly and deeply as you drift into sleep.

Setting your sleep boundaries will start a virtuous circle. Engaging that considered voice – which has listened to all your internal opinions – when considering self-boundaries will help you to rest. Being more rested will allow you to engage that voice again when you need to review another self-boundary. Overall, be kind to yourself and know that rest is good. Take the pressure off.

Now go to your Learning Journal and note the sleep self-boundaries you can start to work on.