Читать книгу Hopelessly Devoted To You - Jill Steeples - Страница 11

Chapter One

“Finn, we need to talk.”

“Finn, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“The thing is, Finn, I…”

“Look, Finn, I’m really sorry, but the thing is…the thing is I don’t love you. I wonder if I’ve ever loved you. I’m calling off our wedding.”

Aargh, no! Ruby dropped her head into her hands, a familiar sense of dread sweeping the length of her body. She couldn’t do it. Every time she thought about telling her fiancé she didn’t want to marry him it sent her into a cold panic. How could she do such a bitchy, despicable thing to the sweetest, loveliest man on earth?

She’d tried. Lord knew, she’d tried. Thinking about it, she’d been trying ever since he’d proposed to her over eighteen months ago, presenting her with the biggest, shiniest, most beautiful rock she’d ever clapped eyes on. Swept up in the moment, surrounded by her closest family and friends, champagne bubbles fizzing up her nose, there had only ever been one glorious heartfelt answer.

‘Yes!’ she’d cried, in a blink of an eye.

It was only the morning after when she was alone in her flat, a humongous hangover throbbing in her head, which had nothing to do with the amount of champagne she’d drunk but more to do with the enormity of what had occurred the previous evening, that she wondered if she hadn’t actually been a little hasty in her gushing agreement to Finn’s proposal.

Did she actually want to get married? To Finn, in particular, or to anyone else when she came to think about it? Was she ready for that whole commitment thing? Finn’s unexpected proposal had brought these questions and a hundred and one assorted other ones into startling focus.

The thing was Finn was the perfect boyfriend. There was no getting away from that. Not when everyone kept reminding her of the fact. She knew she was the envy of a lot of girls because they were forever telling her how lucky she was to have snagged Finn in the first place.

Everybody loved Finn.

Everyone except Ruby.

She liked him though. Did that count, she wondered, on the marriageability factor?

She liked him an awful lot; the problem was she wasn’t entirely sure whether she actually loved him or not.

And if she didn’t know how she felt about him then surely that must mean, by a process of elimination, she couldn’t really love him after all.

Honestly the more she thought about it, the more she tied herself up in complete knots.

She’d even spent one futile weekend drawing up a pros and cons list to see if that would help her make a logical and rational decision about the huge Finn-shaped problem in her life. It was what her mum had always advised her to do when she was struggling with a problem in the past and without her mum around now to give boyfriend advice, she thought the list might be the next best thing. But not this time. Not with the Finn problem. In fact it was no use whatsoever. She knew she was on dodgy ground when within half an hour she’d filled two A4 sheets with a long list of Finn’s glowing attributes. And there was only one piddly item to add under the cons side.

‘Doesn’t share my love for James Blunt…’

Admittedly that was pretty shocking and unbelievable and frankly distasteful, but not so shocking that it was grounds enough to give your boyfriend his marching orders. There were much worse things a girl might have to contend with. Only at the moment she was struggling to come up with anything worse.

And now the wedding was only three months away! How had that happened? It had been a lifetime away, long enough away not to have to worry about it, but now it was here, almost on top of her, the wedding train was about to roll into town and she was increasingly uncertain about whether she wanted to jump aboard. Ruby’s heart pounded in her chest at the reminder.

Up until now she’d been able, for the most part, to put it out of her mind and get on with her life; working and socialising and seeing Finn when their busy schedules allowed and that was okay ’cos he was great company and in amongst all the busyness of their day-to-day lives she’d been able to completely forget about the wedding, well, almost…

Only now she couldn’t get away from the fact that she was running out of time and if she didn’t speak to Finn soon, well, then it would be too late and she would just have to go through with the whole shebang anyway. Which might not be such a bad thing after all. It certainly wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

What exactly was the problem here…?

After all, she liked Finn. She really liked Finn. They got on well, but was that reason enough to get married? She hadn’t really given it any consideration until after she’d accepted Finn’s proposal and now she couldn’t think of anything else. It was scant reassurance to know she wasn’t the only person in the world to have struggled with this dilemma. If the future King of England had trouble working out what love was, what chance did she have? Maybe she was making a drama out of a minor crisis of confidence. If her mum were here to talk things through then maybe she wouldn’t be struggling with these doubts.

Was she looking for something that didn’t even exist? Waiting for something that was never going to turn up? Something ridiculously unattainable? That whole bosom-heaving, heart-swelling, pulse-racing gig was the stuff of soppy romance novels and made-for-TV movies. And what she had with Finn was much more solid and dependable and long-lasting. And the only reason she’d found herself recoiling from his touch these last few weeks and avoiding staying over with him was because of all the pressure she’d been putting herself under just thinking about the wedding. And marrying Finn.

That would be it.

Absolutely.

Only that wasn’t her only problem.

If agreeing to marry Finn was her biggest mistake, her second big mistake was admitting the tiniest of her doubts to her best friend, Laura, who had no intention of letting Ruby off the hook quite so readily.

***

Ruby didn’t dare count the number of missed calls, unanswered emails and ignored texts she’d had from Laura in the past few weeks. They had been easy-ish enough to ignore, but now that Laura was banging loudly on Ruby’s front door at nine-thirty on a Thursday night, threatening to camp out in the communal hallway if she had to, she knew she couldn’t put off the inevitable moment any longer. She pulled open the front door and plastered a big smile on her face.

‘You’ve been avoiding me,’ Laura said, narrowing her eyes in a look of admonishment as she breezed past Ruby and into the kitchen. She deposited the bottle of wine she’d been clutching onto the worktop, pulled open a cupboard, finding two glasses, and proceeded to peel off the foil. Talk about making yourself at home.

‘No, I haven’t. It’s just that I’ve been incredibly busy. With work and the restaurant. And…you know, with everything else that has been going on. It’s been manic.’ If she didn’t mention the wedding then perhaps Laura wouldn’t either. Maybe that whole topic would slip their minds this evening.

‘Obviously! Too busy even to remember about your best friend in her moment of need. For all you care, I could have been shipped off to the white slave trade tonight or murdered even!’

‘Oh, God! I am so sorry. Was it tonight? Your date? How did it go?’

‘Terribly! Thanks for asking. I was ready to leave after ten minutes, but it didn’t matter because I thought my friend would come to my rescue and ring me at the prearranged time. How wrong can you be?’

‘I am so sorry,’ she said again, groaning. ‘It completely escaped my mind.’ That was the one text she had replied to, the one from Laura asking if she’d call her at eight p.m. to give her an escape clause from her latest date. After a series of bad experiences, Laura had decided she needed a get-out-of-jail-quick card and had enlisted Ruby’s help. Only Ruby had let her friend down big-time. She’d been so preoccupied with her own love life she hadn’t given a second thought to Laura’s, which was struggling to even get off the ground.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ said Laura, seeing Ruby’s horrified expression. ‘I told him I was about to throw up—that’s always a good one! He couldn’t get rid of me fast enough after that.’ She sighed, a rueful smile on her lips. ‘I could do with this though.’

She handed Ruby a glass of the wine she’d just poured and took a sip of her own. Ruby took a much larger mouthful than was probably necessary and wandered into the living room before sinking down onto the sofa. Laura did the same, sitting on the armchair opposite, her pert bum perched on the edge of the seat as though she didn’t actually intend staying. Or as if she was about to fire off a hundred pertinent questions. Ruby sighed, knowing it was probably the latter.

‘So, how did things go with Finn? I’m guessing you still haven’t told him?’

No chance of that slipping their minds, then.

‘Huh?’ Ruby developed a sudden fascination with her cuticles.

‘Finn! The wedding? Remember? The last conversation we had, you said you were going to tell him the wedding was off. Have you forgotten that? Or are you telling me I just imagined that whole conversation?’

‘Oh, right, yes. That conversation! I do remember that.’ She shifted in her seat and took another glug of wine just so as to avoid Laura’s penetrating gaze. A small pathetic laugh escaped her lips and she waved an arm in front of her face in what she hoped was a nonchalant gesture, although she suspected it only made her look as manic as she was beginning to feel. ‘That…that was just a few last-minute nerves. I’m sure that’s perfectly normal. I suspect lots of brides-to-be have a bit of a wobble, some doubts as to whether they’re doing the right thing or not. All perfectly normal.’

Laura sat back in her chair and dropped her head back onto the cushion, a huge sigh escaping her lips. Ruby felt one of her own rise in her chest.

‘Come on, Ruby. This is me you’re talking to. You don’t need to put on an act, pretend everything’s okay, when we both know that it isn’t. Don’t tell me you’re actually going through with the wedding, after all?’

‘I am, yes! Why shouldn’t I?’ she said, with a spirited show of defiance. ‘I’m a very lucky girl to be marrying a man like Finn.’

‘You know why not! Because you don’t love him. You’ve admitted it yourself. It’s just wrong, very wrong to marry someone you don’t love. It’s not fair on Finn and it’s not fair on you.’

‘Well, I’m sure I’ll get to love him.’ Ruby tried hard to ignore the stirring of disquiet in her chest. She shifted in her seat, grabbing the cushion from behind her and clutching it to her stomach. ‘Finn is a very lovely man who just so happens to love me. He will make a wonderful husband and father. What’s so wrong about that?’

‘Nothing would be wrong with that. If you felt the same way about him too. But you don’t. And you’ve been with Finn for, what is it, a zillion years? If you haven’t fallen in love with him yet, what makes you think you’re ever going to fall in love with him? How long are you prepared to wait, Ruby? Six months? Six years? A lifetime?’

‘Does it have to all be about love, Laura? Finn is a great guy, caring, loving and generous. We get on fantastically. He’s got a great career, with a great future ahead of him. We want the same things from life, we’ve had that conversation, the whole marriage and babies thing, and we share the same values. We are a match made in heaven. Some things transcend love, you know? We’re singing off the same song sheet. Isn’t that enough?’

‘Well, it might be.’ Laura shrugged, her mouth curling in distaste. ‘I know it wouldn’t be for me because I’d want to know that the person I was marrying loved me just as much as I loved them. Now it may be that Finn would still want to marry you knowing that you don’t love him in the same way, but I do think he has the right to know the truth about your feelings. Don’t you?’

Ruby felt her skin prickle with shame under Laura’s intense steely-eyed gaze. Tears stung her eyes. Her heart pounded in her chest, reverberating in her ears so loudly she thought her head might explode. If she could just close her eyes and shut it all out. Everything: her own tormented thoughts, Laura’s accusatory words running around her head and Finn, oh, God, the image of Finn’s smiling, unsuspecting face taunting her mind. She clutched her hair in fists, the pain at her temples a welcome distraction.

What kind of person was she? To go ahead with a wedding just because she was too lily-livered to do the decent thing and tell her fiancé she didn’t know if she loved him. Was that it? Was she prepared to go ahead and marry a man she didn’t love simply because she didn’t want to lose face in front of Finn and all her family and friends? It looked as though she might be.

If she broke off the engagement, she’d be vilified, she knew. Ex-communicated. She might need to get away for a while, lie low until all the fuss had died down. But she couldn’t imagine a time when that would happen. No one would understand why she didn’t want to marry the most perfect boyfriend in the world. If she couldn’t understand it herself, how on earth could she expect anyone else to understand?

‘You’re right!’ she said, jumping up from her seat and pacing the length of the living room as if she’d been struck with divine inspiration. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course, I can’t marry Finn. You know that. I know that. He deserves someone much better than me. I must tell him. I’ll do it today.’ She looked at the phone as though it were a lethal weapon. If she picked it up and pressed Finn’s number she knew it would shoot a thousand bullets into both their lives. She paused, her gaze drifting out of the window. ‘Well, maybe not today.’

Laura raised her eyebrows doubtfully.

‘When, then? You’ve been talking about it for ages, but you never seem to get round to it. I know it’s hard. One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. But you’re running out of time, Ruby. You just need to do it, get it over and done with. And then you can get on with the rest of your lives. Both of you.’

‘Yes, yes. Absolutely.’ An urgency filled Ruby’s veins. ‘Tomorrow. How about that?’ The enormity of what she had to do crept over her body like a huge heavy rain cloud. ‘I’ll do it tomorrow. Actually, thinking about it, it’s probably just as easy to send him a text?’

Laura’s dark expression gave Ruby a definitive answer.

‘No.’ Ruby shook her head, agreeing with Laura’s silent admonishment. ‘I can’t do that. How about an email? Would that be better?’

‘No.’

‘I don’t suppose you could tell him for me, could you?’

‘No. Absolutely not.’ Laura tutted, actually tutted and folded her arms in front of her chest. ‘You have to do it. It has to be face to face. He deserves that at least. Right. Let’s think about this. You need a plan. Work out in your mind what you’re going to say to him. When are you next seeing Finn?’

‘Tomorrow night. He’s meant to be coming round for supper.’

‘Perfect. That will be the ideal opportunity. Just get it straight in your head what you’re going to tell him and then all you have to do is come out and say it. No beating around the bush. I know it’s a horrible thing to have to do, but once it’s out there you’ll feel so much better.’

Ruby glared at Laura. It was easy for her to say. She wasn’t the one on the verge of breaking the heart of the sweetest man in the world. She was just watching from the sidelines at the train wreckage about to unfold. With a little bit too much barely contained glee, suspected Ruby.

But still, Laura was right. She had to do it. However awful it was. She should have done it much sooner than this. Absolutely. There was no getting away from it this time. No avoiding the issue. No pretending that there wasn’t a huge white wedding booked that would need to be unbooked. She would just have to tell Finn how she felt and all those other issues were just mere practicalities that she could deal with once she got the awfulness out of the way. Come what may, this time tomorrow night Ruby would no longer have a fiancé.

‘Yes, I’ll do it!’ Ruby slapped her hands down on the arms of the chair, saying the words more to herself than to Laura.

‘Well, make sure you do.’ Laura stood up, looking at Ruby with a no-messing expression on her face. ‘If you don’t do it, I’m going to boycott the wedding. I’ll stand outside the church waving a placard and you don’t want that to happen, do you?’

Ruby gave a wry smile.

‘It’ll be fine,’ Laura said sympathetically. ‘Remember I’m on your side. I’ll pop round tomorrow night. About ten o’clock. After my date. If I haven’t heard from you by then I’ll know the coast is clear.’

‘Another one?’

Laura shrugged nonchalantly.

‘Well, it’s a numbers game, isn’t it? And I reckon my lucky number must come up soon. This one’s an alternative comedian. His name’s Max. He sounds really funny and quirky and right up my street.’

‘Oh, great. Well, I hope it goes well. And I’m really sorry about tonight. Do you want me to call you tomorrow night just in case?’

‘Nah, don’t worry. You’ll have enough on your plate with Finn and if I run into problems I can always use the tummy-bug excuse, but I don’t think I will. I have a really good feeling about Max.’

‘You do? Well, I keep my fingers crossed for you.’ Ruby smiled. The excitement she felt at Laura’s enthusiasm for her next date was quickly squashed by the complete dread and trepidation she felt for her own big date with Finn. If only they could swap places, Ruby thought with a sigh.

***

The following evening the doorbell rang and Ruby’s heart plummeted to the bottom of her pumps. Ordinarily she would have worn a tight little black number with a pair of the black strappy high heels that Finn so loved, but she didn’t want his last memory of her to be one where she was looking absolutely drop-dead-gorgeous amazing. Perhaps if she looked a bit ropey, kept her make-up to a minimum, and threw on some old jeans and a sweatshirt then, sub-consciously, Finn might think it wasn’t so bad that he had just been dumped after all.

Who was she kidding? Finn wasn’t like that. He had depth, sincerity and honesty, qualities Ruby felt sadly lacking in at the moment. She knew Finn would think her beautiful dressed in a black bin liner. She didn’t intend going that far but her black trousers and a green floaty blouse would have to do. Smart but not too frivolous. And definitely not sexy.

She sighed. There were far too many decisions to be made when it came to dumping your boyfriend.

As well as what to wear, she’d thought long and hard about what she should prepare for their ‘Last Supper’. Should it be Finn’s favourite meal of lamb noisettes in a redcurrant jus or would that just be rubbing salt in the wound? Would it be better to give him some seafood? He hated fish and so did she; they could bond over the dodgy food and perhaps he wouldn’t notice he’d just been dumped. Then again she wasn’t confident about cooking fish and she didn’t want to give him food poisoning on top of a broken heart. Still, it would hardly matter. It wasn’t as if his one overriding memory of this fateful evening would be what she cooked or what she was wearing. In the end she plumped for a juicy fillet steak. What man didn’t like that? Hopefully it was relatively foolproof and good sustaining fodder to see you through any sort of unexpected emotional trauma.

Smoothing her hair away from her face, she ran along the hallway, took a deep breath and pulled open the door.

‘Finn!’

‘Hello, darling,’ he said, handing over the biggest bouquet of lilies she’d seen with one hand and presenting a bottle of pink champagne with the other. Why did he have to go and do that? Tonight of all nights. He leant down to kiss her, his hands finding her waist, a familiar waft of his lemon-scented aftershave reaching her nostrils.

She laughed and edged away from him, that now familiar sense of claustrophobia threatening to overwhelm her.

‘Flowers and champagne too? What are we celebrating?’ she asked, extracting herself from his embrace, trying to avoid his gaze, which she knew without even looking would be focused on her longingly. She wandered into the kitchen busying herself with finding a vase for the flowers.

‘Since when did we need anything to celebrate? We’re getting married in less than three months. It’s Friday night. I’m about to have a romantic meal with the woman I love. What more could one man need, exactly?’ His words were full of sweet, warm affection.

Ruby forced a laugh, feeling as though her heart might explode. She just needed to keep Laura’s words at the forefront of her mind. Don’t be distracted. Don’t bottle out. Don’t be seduced by his reassuring familiarity, however tempting it was to forget what she was supposed to be doing here tonight. She tried to look at Finn dispassionately.

Okay, he was gorgeous. Even if she was being hyper-critical, there was no getting away from that one. And tonight, annoyingly, for this momentous occasion, he was looking especially so. He was tall, well over six feet and broad and muscular, testament to the number of hours he put in at the gym. His chestnut-brown hair was cut neatly, befitting his role as a city lawyer in a top firm, but only proving to accentuate his strongly defined features and jawline.

In casually cut blue jeans, brown belt, a white crisp shirt open at the neck, brown deck shoes, he looked effortlessly stylish. Effortlessly chic. Typically Finn.

Not that he cultivated his cool good looks in any way. Finn looked exactly the way nature intended. Which just so happened to be pretty damn gorgeous.

Looking at him now, in all his glorious gorgeousness, she wondered if this would be her last remaining memory of him.

Finn was undoubtedly hot and yet she realised, with a heartfelt pang, she felt nothing for him any more, not even a trace of desire. When they first got together they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, but if she was being honest with herself she’d been missing that loving feeling for months. Nausea rose in the back of her throat and her stomach churned with anxiety. Wasn’t that proof enough that their relationship was over?

She sighed inwardly, sadness creeping around her body, knowing that she was throwing away their shared future, one they’d discussed on many occasions. One that Finn had spent the last ten years working for and would continue to work for, all so that he could provide for Ruby and the children they would inevitably have together. There’d be an apartment in the city, a big house in the country, the obligatory dogs, long summer holidays spent at their villa in Tuscany or the South of France.

And she was throwing it away for what? She had no idea. Her income from her freelance work as an illustrator was unreliable to say the least. Some weeks, most weeks, she had to work shifts as a waitress just to bring in a bit of spare cash. The sort of money she brought home wouldn’t even come close to the sort of lifestyle she knew she’d be guaranteed if she stayed with Finn.

Still, this was not the time to get distracted by what-ifs.

It wasn’t about that. Money and all those material things. It was about her inner happiness. What was right in the long term for her and Finn. Trouble was she’d spent so long with Finn she couldn’t imagine a time when he wouldn’t be in her life. But that wasn’t a valid reason enough for her to stay.

If only she loved him the same way he loved her then everything would be so much simpler. But it wasn’t going to happen. She knew that now. She’d been waiting months, no, years, for it to happen and Laura was right. If she didn’t feel it now, what made her think she would wake up the day after their wedding and suddenly find herself madly and passionately in love with Finn? She’d been a fool to think that was even a remote possibility.

‘Oh, shit!’ she cried, remembering she’d left the sauté potatoes sautéing lightly, which were now, judging by the acrid smell wafting their way, singeing nicely.

‘They’ll be fine.’ Finn came up behind her, resting his hands on her waist, a small chuckle escaping his lips as he peered over her shoulder to survey the burnt offerings in the frying pan. ‘Just scrape the black bits off.’

There he was again, invading her territory, assaulting her senses. His easy familiarity washed over her like a big warm comfort blanket. The thought of telling Finn their relationship was over hadn’t been easy to contemplate when she’d discussed it with Laura. Now, with him breathing down her neck, it seemed like an insurmountable task.

‘Do you want to pour the wine? There’s one already open in the fridge,’ she asked, feeling a heat tinge her cheeks, wondering how she would ever get through the rest of the evening. Couldn’t she just tell him now without having to go through the whole cooking dinner thing? It was like being on Hell’s Kitchen with her walking ever closer into the fire. Thinking about it, she had no idea how he would react. Would he erupt into a fiery display of emotion? She doubted it. Finn was a clear-thinking, logical lawyer, used to keeping his emotions in check.

‘Everything okay?’

‘Mmm. Yes, fine.’ Ruby flapped a tea towel in front of her face to try and rid the kitchen of the smell of burning and to fan the heat from her glowing cheeks. ‘How would you like your steak cooked?’

Finn widened his deep blue eyes, a bemused smile flickering at the corners of his mouth.

‘Ideally rare, but however it comes is fine by me.’

What made her ask that? She sounded like a disinterested waitress. She knew everything there was to know about Finn, including how he liked his steak cooked.

She’d sat through enough expensive restaurant meals to know what he’d choose from a menu without even asking him. Judging by Finn’s expression, he was as bemused by her question as she was.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ His hands found her shoulders, his fingertips massaging her tense muscles as his warmly familiar features observed her closely. A shiver ran the length of her body. ‘It’s just that you seem a bit distracted, a bit uptight. We could always go out to eat instead, if you prefer.’

‘No!’ she snapped, extracting herself from his distracting hold. Why did he have to be so goddam reasonable the whole time? It drove her mad. ‘It’s almost done now. Go and sit down. Take the glasses through. I’ll be there in a minute.’

She could do this. She had to do this. She plonked the steaks on the plate. They were more chargrilled now than rare, to match the potatoes and her mood, but they would have to do. She was really past caring about the state of the food.