Читать книгу Hopelessly Devoted To You - Jill Steeples - Страница 15

Chapter Five

‘Hello!’ The next morning Ruby eased open the door of Finn’s room, her heart pounding in her chest, desperate to see him and yet not really wanting to find out what was waiting for her on the other side.

She’d fallen asleep almost immediately last night after Laura had put her into bed, but she’d awoken again three hours later and had spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, the memory of Finn’s body tumbling down the stairs playing over and over in her mind. She’d thought about getting up and making a cup of tea, but she hadn’t wanted to disturb Laura, who’d insisted on staying over and was sleeping on the sofa.

Now, though, her lack of sleep was firing her veins, the surroundings of the hospital seeming reassuring and terrifying in equal measure.

‘Hello, love.’ Gerry stirred in the armchair next to Finn’s bed, when Ruby entered the room. His eyes, the same deep searching blue eyes as his son’s, flickered open. ‘I think I must have nodded off.’

‘Where’s Jan?’ Ruby asked, looking around and lowering her voice as though she didn’t want to wake Finn when in fact she longed for the very opposite.

‘I told her to go home. To make some phone calls and then to get some rest. There’s no point in us both sitting here staring morosely at Finn. She’s going to come in this evening and stay overnight.’

‘Oh, okay. Has there been any change?’ She looked at Finn, already knowing the answer.

Gerry shook his head and gave a wry smile.

‘I don’t really expect there to be yet. Perhaps we’ll find out more today.’ He stood up, stretching his arms above his head. ‘What about you? Did you manage to get any sleep?’

‘A little, although I kept waking up thinking about the accident. You just wonder, don’t you? If only Finn hadn’t come round last night or if we’d met in a restaurant instead of at the flat or if he’d left just a little bit earlier or a little bit later, then maybe none of this would ever have happened.’

‘Don’t torment yourself over it, Ruby. This really isn’t your fault. It’s just one of those things. And we can’t change what’s happened. We just have to deal with the here and now.’

‘Yes, of course.’ She didn’t expect anything else other than Gerry’s positivity. Like Finn, he wasn’t one for soul-searching or navel-gazing, he just dealt in plain facts, but she wondered whether in the dark of the night, alone with his only son, he’d entertained any of the terrifying thoughts that she’d been wrestling.

‘Come on, come here and give me a hug.’ He held out his hands to her and she gladly walked into the safety of his embrace. She rested her head on his chest, imagining that his solid, firm body belonged to Finn.

‘He will be all right, won’t he, Gerry?’

‘Hey!’ He pulled back from their embrace, his hands resting on her upper arms, the sincerity in his eyes shining through. ‘Are you kidding? Of course, he’s going to be all right. He has to be. I’ve always had an instinct as far as Finn is concerned and every instinct in my body is telling me that he’s going to pull through this. Whatever Finn has to face in the coming days and weeks, we’ll be there to help him through it, won’t we?’

Ruby nodded mutely, that familiar gnawing sensation of guilt stirring in her stomach. Should she tell him? Wouldn’t this be the ideal opportunity, alone with Finn’s father, to tell him how she’d invited his son over for one reason alone: to give him the news that she didn’t want to marry him any more? She should let him know that Finn hadn’t left her flat in a good frame of mind, but had been barely keeping a lid on his anger when he’d strode away from her front door. His mind had been distracted when he’d taken that fateful first step down the stairs that sent him crashing to the floor. Didn’t Gerry and Jan have a right to know all that?

She thought they probably did, but they were suffering enough as it was. Offloading her guilty secret to them would only make them feel a lot worse and cause a huge amount of additional tension that she really couldn’t face at the moment. No, it would need to remain her little secret for the time being. She sighed, burying herself back into the warmth of Gerry’s jumper, closing her eyes, wishing she could stay there for ever. Wishing that when she opened her eyes again she could return to being the favoured future daughter-in-law and not the evil ex-girlfriend she now found herself cast as.

She looked up into Gerry’s eyes.

‘Yeah.’ She bit on her lip to stop the tears that were gathering in her eyes from falling. ‘He’s going to be okay and we’re all going to be there for him when he wakes up.’

He nodded reassuringly and she wondered if she didn’t notice a moistening in his eyes too.

‘I’ll go and grab you a coffee before I go. I hope you’ve brought a paper or a book to read. I think you might be in for a long day.’

***

Ruby had actually come well prepared. She’d brought along a book and a paper to read, some knitting—a jumper for Finn—and a drawing pad and some pencils in case she suddenly found the urge, but it became apparent, within minutes of Gerry leaving, that she had neither the inclination or the concentration to do any of those things. Instead her gaze travelled around the hospital room fixing all the details in her mind. The small window with the floral curtains, the empty vase, the bedside cabinet with the jug of squash, the small sink, the hand sanitiser, the tubes and machinery with their oddly distracting flashing lights, all the numbers tormenting her with the numerous possibilities of their meanings. They, and the constant visits from the nurses and doctors, all conspired to add to the low-level anxiety that permeated the room. Well, if Ruby was being honest, her anxiety levels were sky-high, but she was doing a good job of trying to keep a lid on them.

Finn, obviously, oblivious to her and the surroundings, was at the centre of the picture rapidly filling her head. He looked every inch the man she’d spent the last ten years with only different. His features had lost their sharp definition, his skin was pale, offering an almost ethereal look, and the beginnings of a shadowy stubble crept over his distinctive jawline. For someone so vital and dynamic, the complete absence of his core essence was eerie and unsettling. His body was there, but his spirit was missing in action. She wanted to grab his arm and shake him awake. To tell him to stop playing silly buggers. To see his eyes ping open, but she knew it wasn’t going to happen. Instead she lifted up his hand, her fingers caressing his strong wide knuckles, her thumb making small circular motions on the back of his tanned hand.

‘Hi, Finn. I wonder if you can hear me. The doctors said we should talk to you so I’m hoping that you might. Did you know, your hearing is the last of the senses to go? One of the nurses told me that. I bet you already knew that though. That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you, Finn. That you know everything. Or at least you seem to. All those things I had no clue about you were able to put me straight on. I liked that.

‘Not that I think you’re going anywhere, obviously.’ She laughed aloud nervously. ‘We’re all just waiting for you to wake up and I’m being my usual impatient self and wanting you to do it now. Right this minute now. Go on.’

She clicked her fingers before letting out a heavy sigh, staring at his resolutely closed eyelids. His long thick dark eyelashes, which Ruby had always felt so envious of, fanned onto his cheek.

‘No. Well, don’t take too long about it, Finn. I want you back here with me so we can talk. We didn’t really get to talk last night, did we? And I wish we had. I want to explain to you why I dump…decided to end our relationship. I felt terrible when you asked me if I’d ever loved you. It seemed as though I’d never cared for you, which isn’t the case at all. I adored you. I adore you still, you know that. We had so many good times together and you became my very best friend, but I suppose I’ve always felt…I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but I’ve always felt that I wasn’t quite enough for you. And I’m not sure why I’ve felt like that because I know you’ve only ever shown me complete love and affection. I know this is a cliché and you would probably have laughed in my face if I’d told you, but I honestly believe this is more about me and the way I’m feeling rather than having anything to do with you, Finn.

‘You have to admit I’ve always been hanging onto your coat-tails a bit. I didn’t mind being “the wind beneath your wings” but I wonder if you haven’t sometimes got a bit fed up of me, always being there, hanging onto your every word like an adoring puppy. I know you’ve never said anything to that effect, but I did wonder if there might not come a time when you would tire of my constant presence. Whether I might hold you back from reaching those amazing heights you’re destined to reach. I’m sure people must look at us and think “wow, how did those two ever get together?” I mean, I sometimes think it myself. How did we ever get together in the first place? I just don’t know. You were always so driven, ambitious and focused and I…well, I wasn’t. You could have had the pick of any one of the girls from my school, but you chose me instead. I was the envy of all my friends, suddenly I’d become valid in their eyes, but I must admit I was as bemused as they were by your interest in me. I sort of went along for the ride, not thinking it would last the week out let alone that we’d still be together ten years later. And I think that’s probably characterised our relationship. I’ve been swept along on that wave. I’m not saying it hasn’t been fun—it has! We’ve had some amazing times together but as ridiculous as it may sound I’ve not felt as though I made a conscious decision to be part of this relationship.’

Ruby sighed and ran her hands through her hair. She edged forward on her chair, her hand feeling for the outline of Finn’s body beneath the sheet.

‘Does that make any sense whatsoever to you, Finn? Probably not. It doesn’t make much sense to me either. It’s just that I feel as though I’m not living my own life. How can I explain? It feels like I’m living my life solely as Finn’s girlfriend and soon to be Finn’s wife and that whole thing, that role as your other half, seems to have subsumed me completely. It’s left me almost gasping for breath, wanting to break free, and that means inevitably breaking free from you, yes, but more than that it’s a need to get away from the whole situation. I have to do this. To reconnect with myself somehow and work out what it is I actually want from my life. Of course I’m worried. Worried that I’m doing the wrong thing, that I might be on the brink of making the biggest mistake of my life.’

She stroked the length of his arm lovingly, scanning his face for any sign, however tiny, that he might be hearing her words, understanding her meaning, but there was nothing.

‘Oh, hell,’ she cried, squeezing his hand even tighter. ‘What am I talking about? I’ve already done it, haven’t I? Last night now seems like the biggest mistake of my life. This wasn’t what I wanted, not at all, and now the thought of losing you from my life for ever is absolutely destroying me. I couldn’t bear it, Finn. You’re my friend and whatever else happens between us, I hope we’ll always be able to remain friends. So you see, Finn, you have to wake up. You simply have to. For me, for you, for everyone’s sake. Most importantly, you have to do it for your mum and dad. You are their life and if anything was to happen to you then I’m not sure how…’ Her words trailed away on a sigh.

‘And think of all your friends and all your colleagues at the firm. You’re a partner now, Finn! Remember? It’s what you’ve always wanted. You can’t not get better because the people of London need you to fight on their behalf against all the injustices of this world. Yes! What will happen to them if you’re not around to take up their causes?’

Ruby let go of Finn’s hand gently and stood up. She arched her back and stretched her arms above her head before wandering over to the little window that overlooked a service bay at the back of the hospital. She peered outside and her heart sank even lower. It wasn’t a cheering view and the grey April morning only added to her sense of desolation and hopelessness. Would there ever be a life for her and Finn outside the confines of the depressing hospital room, she wondered, or had their lives been irrevocably changed for ever? She turned to look at Finn lying helplessly on the bed and felt a surge of longing and regret. Whatever her personal feelings for Finn, whatever had happened between them, she realised she needed to be strong for him. She couldn’t afford to be pessimistic or negative about Finn’s chances. If she didn’t believe in him and his ability to overcome this setback then what chance did he have? In her place she knew he would have remained resolutely positive. To the end. She rushed back to his side, grabbing hold of his hand again.

‘It is going to be all right, you know that, don’t you, Finn?’ She coughed, trying to clear her throat of the wobble threatening to overcome her. ‘Everything will work out in the end, I’m sure.’ She took a deep breath getting her emotions in check. ‘You’ll get better and you’ll go back to work and everything will be as it was. Well, almost everything. Because things change, obviously. Life moves on, but what I’m trying to say is that things will get back to some sort of normality. This is just a blip. Well, quite a big blip actually, but we will get over it together.

‘Do you know, your mum and dad don’t know yet about you being made a partner? Can you imagine how made up they’re going to be? I’ll tell them when I get the chance. Obviously at the moment the most important thing is getting you well again and that’s what’s occupying all of our minds. I won’t tell them about us, what happened the other night. It doesn’t seem relevant now. I’m not being deliberately evasive but I can’t see it achieving anything. Can you? Not for the moment at least. I want to see you through this, Finn. Get you well again. What is important is your recovery and that’s all you need to concentrate on. Will you do that for me, Finn?’

She squeezed his hand tight, bending down to leave a gentle fleeting kiss on his cheek.

‘Don’t worry about anything. Your job, your flat, me or the wedding. It will all still be here when you wake up. Let your parents and me sort all that stuff out for now and once you’re better that’s when we can make plans…’

Her voice trailed away. She knew instinctively there would be no going back for her and Finn. He dealt in absolutes. And the fact that she’d played her cards now, told Finn in no uncertain terms that she didn’t love him and had never loved him, would have left Finn in no doubt as to his future with Ruby. There could be none. She’d known by the hard look in his eyes, the resolute set to his jaw, as he’d ruminated over what she’d told him, that the bond between them had been well and truly shattered.

Maybe they could stay friends, she thought, as a surge of desperation filled her chest, threatening to stifle her breathing. She ran her fingers along the length of his arm. Now it seemed more important to her than ever that she didn’t lose Finn from her life.

‘Look, Finn,’ she pleaded, bending over his bed to whisper in his ear, sounding as desperate as she felt. ‘Just wake up, will you? I promise, we can work everything out. Please don’t leave me. Not now. Not like this. Just wake up. Would you do that for me, please, Finn?’