Читать книгу Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improve Your Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress - Джон Грей, John Gray - Страница 13

Most men are not equipped to be the domestic/communicative/romantic partners women fantasize about. Although some men attempt to fulfill that fantasy, in the end both partners become frustrated and disappointed. He may try for years, but eventually he runs out of steam. Some men try during the dating stage and then give up, because they can’t continue to meet their partner’s expectations. When this is the case, a man may suddenly lose interest and not even know why. He is just not that interested in her, not because she is not right for him, but because he is trying to meet unrealistic expectations. Lucky is the woman who is able to appreciate what a man can offer, for she continues to get more and more.

A man loses interest when he senses that he can’t continue to meet a woman’s expectations.

Likewise, most women are not equipped to be the domestic/communicative/romantic partners men want. It is unrealistic for a man to expect a woman to create a beautiful home without help and appreciation, always to be in a good mood, never to be needy, and to be romantically available at all times. Many women try to fulfill this fantasy but feel cheated and betrayed when their partners do not return their love.

When men begin to understand a woman’s new needs, they are naturally motivated to help out more. Men who make this change must make sure that they take the time they need for themselves as well; otherwise they will both end up overwhelmed and exhausted. Lucky is the man who is able to meet his own needs and then respond to a woman’s need for help around the house, good communication, and regular romance, for he comes home to a happy woman.

Fortunately, reality is much more wonderful than fantasy. We seek real love, and if we have the right expectations, we can find it. Together we can make small but significant changes to support each other more effectively. Adjusting, updating, and correcting our expectations can free us from feeling victimized or powerless to get what we need.

In addition, these new insights about our differences help us to recognize and remember the real problem: increasing stress. Instead of blaming our partners, we can blame stress. It is often a mistake to conclude we are too different to make a relationship work. The truth is, stress can drive a wedge between us. By learning how to support ourselves and our partners at times of greater stress, we can learn to lower stress levels. When stress is removed from the formula, our differences are never a problem. When stress is reduced, our differences are a major source of fulfillment.

When stress is gone, our differences are never a problem.

Men and women don’t complain about their partners when they are feeling good. Problems and demands emerge when we are under stress. Our unrealistic expectations surface when we attempt to get our partner’s help to lower our stress. With a new understanding of how men and women experience and cope with stress differently, we can address the real problem in relationships today.

The problem is never just our partner, but our own inability to cope with stress. When we learn how we can deal with stress more effectively and help our partners cope, the grip of our unrealistic demands is easily released. We are then able to enjoy the feelings of acceptance, trust, and appreciation. It is only then that our relationships can thrive.

The problem is never just our partner but our own inability to cope with stress.

If a man was to yield to the pressure of a woman’s unrealistic expectations, he could become a domestic partner, but within a few years all the romance and passion would be gone. When a man becomes more like a woman in a relationship, he will inevitably become overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed.

To yield to a woman’s unrealistic expectations will eventually exhaust a man.

This role reversal can easily put a damper on romantic feelings. If a man becomes more feminine, the attraction she felt for him in the beginning is lost. Instead of becoming more sensitive, men need to become sensitive to the needs of women. This is what women are really looking for from a man. Certainly a man can be sensitive, but to meet her needs, he must consider her needs and not just his own.

Instead of becoming more sensitive, men need to become sensitive to the needs of women.

When a man displays a greater sensitivity regarding his own needs and feelings, a woman begins to experience maternal feelings rather than sexual attraction. Instead of feeling cared for, she feels her motherly instinct to care for him. Though this feels loving, it does not promote romantic feelings. On the other hand, when a woman displays sensitivity with appreciation and trust for a man’s support, it dramatically increases his sexual interest in her. A woman’s sensitivity, which gives her the ability to enjoy and appreciate the little things in life, is a major turn-on to men.

A woman’s sensitivity, which gives her the ability to enjoy and appreciate the little things in life, is a major turn-on to men.

With new insights about what women need, a man can help a woman cope with stress without increasing his own stress. A man can give the domestic/communicative/romantic support a woman needs, but in ways that work for him as well. Without becoming like a woman, he can provide the support she needs even when it doesn’t look the way she thought it should.

A woman can learn ways to lower her partner’s stress by helping him feel successful in helping her. Though a man does appreciate domestic support, positive communication, and romance, what is most important to him is to feel he is providing his partner with some measure of fulfillment. Instead of thinking of direct ways to support him, she can actually do less and simply appreciate what he does for her. This works well, because women are already doing way too much. Wouldn’t it be great if a woman could do less, and a man would feel more supported? Well, it’s true. It is such a new concept for women that it takes a little time to sink in.

When a man takes action to support a woman’s needs, she feels supported, and her stress goes down. But the opposite is true on Mars. When a woman does less for him and allows him to do more for her, his stress is lessened. A man’s stress is reduced when he feels successful in meeting her needs. Instead of giving more to him, she just needs to help him be successful in meeting her needs.

By giving less, a woman can actually be more supportive of her partner.

“Helping him help her” as a strategy for success seems very foreign to most women. They don’t imagine that they are pushing away his support, but in many ways they are. Every time she complains, every time she makes demands, every time she gets upset, every time she doesn’t ask for help, every time she resents having to ask for support, she may be giving him the message that he is not a success. Unknowingly, she is increasing rather than lowering his stress and ultimately pushing his support away.

In short, “helping him help her” involves asking him for support instead of just expecting him to give it, and then requires that she acknowledges how much she authentically appreciates whatever she gets. This is achieved by feeling and being, not by doing. Her “feeling response” to his actions is much more important than anything she can ever directly do for him. By being grateful for what she is getting in her relationship, she is actually helping him to succeed. On the other hand, when a woman focuses on what she is not getting, she gives the message that he is not a success, and his stress goes up. He then has less to give. She is pushing away his love when she focuses on what she is not getting.

A woman’s response to his actions is much more important than anything she can ever directly do for him.

This simple principle can produce immediate results in any relationship. There are endless ways women fail to acknowledge a man’s sincere desire to provide his support, just as there are countless ways a man can respond to her needs to provide her with greater fulfillment. Finding authentic ways to give a man the message that his efforts are appreciated does not involve the old-fashioned notion of sacrificing her needs to avoid demanding anything of him. Instead, it requires a greater responsibility to fulfill her own needs and to learn how to ask a man for support in small increments that are realistic and reasonable.

Even when a woman takes time for herself, she can help a man feel like a success in a relationship. When she is happy, he will always take credit and feel better. Without this insight, a woman would never think that taking time for herself could actually help her partner. When men take time for themselves, women often feel neglected. For this reason, a woman might find it hard to believe that taking time for herself actually supports him in giving more to her. Understanding our differences provides a completely new direction for men and women that not only brings out the best in our partners but makes relationships so much easier.