Читать книгу Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improve Your Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress - Джон Грей, John Gray - Страница 14

Fully receiving a man’s support is not as simple today as it was in the past. Women today are confused when it comes to the role a man can play in their lives. She either needs him to be more like a woman, or she feels she doesn’t need him at all. Neither approach works. Being more independent and self-sufficient, modern women want a man to share their lives with but don’t really feel the need for a man. They want a man, but to need him makes them cringe. When they do need him, they often want him to be someone he is not and cannot be.

Ultimately, men want to feel needed and are most attracted to a woman who appreciates what they have to offer. When a man is needed, he can make a difference. A woman who can appreciate what a man has to offer automatically reduces the stress in his life. Women who clearly feel the need for a man attract them like bees to honey.

Women who are very successful and independent often remain alone, because they don’t realize why they need a man. Statistically, the more financially successful a woman is, the lower her chances of getting married, and the greater the possibility of divorce. Most of these divorces are initiated by the woman. These statistics change as women learn to feel their need for a man and appreciate what he can offer. It is challenging to appreciate someone you do not think you need. When a woman doesn’t open herself to a man in this way, she is pushing him away and increasing the stress in his life.

You can only appreciate what you have when you authentically feel a need for it.

Independent women don’t have to give up their freedoms to feel their need for a man. You can be independent about some things and depend on your partner for other things. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Some women watched their mothers deny their needs and submit themselves to please their husbands. They have vowed never to allow that to happen to them. By seeking a life of complete independence, they, too, are denying their needs and following in their mothers’ footsteps. To avoid submitting themselves in a relationship, they have denied their needs altogether.

For other women, the process of surviving or trying to get ahead in their careers distracts them from getting in touch with their feelings and need for a relationship. To get ahead in the workplace, they have to express their more independent selves and have difficulty shifting back to their feminine side that easily feels the need for a man. These women often think they need a more feeling or sensitive man, but they really need to connect with their own more feminine side.

If he is more sensitive, such a woman might imagine that it will be safer for her feminine side to emerge. She has fantasies of talking with her partner the way she would with a girlfriend or with a wise mentor. Unfortunately, when a woman gets a “more feeling man,” it doesn’t help her connect with her own feelings. The more sensitive a man is, the more their conversations will center on him and not on her. A needy man is a huge turnoff to women. After a while, she doesn’t even want to talk with him, because she will have to listen to more of his sensitive feelings or his opinionated tirades. When she thinks she needs a more sensitive and vulnerable man, what she really needs is to express her more vulnerable self. What she really needs is to be heard, which all men can learn to do.

A needy man is a huge turnoff to women.

Other women, who are able to feel their needs but don’t understand how men are different, expect them to react and respond the way a woman would. For these women, determining what they need in a relationship and what is possible can be very confusing. The days of women needing a man just for survival and security are gone.

So what do modern women need? When I ask this question, single women often have no idea. At first, they don’t even want to admit that they need a man. They prefer to have a partner. They want to share their lives with someone, but they don’t need a man. Needing a man would make these women feel weak rather than just feminine.

Women need to rediscover the power and strength of their femininity. Women don’t have to be like men to be powerful and get what they want and need. Likewise, men don’t have to become like women to be loving and supportive in their relationships.

Many successful women are repelled by the idea that they might need a man.

Needing a partner is not a weakness. It is why we partner up. Men and women just have different primary needs. Men need to feel needed, and women need to feel they are not alone. Just as a woman is happiest when she feels she is getting what she needs from her partner, a man is happiest when he feels successful in meeting his partner’s needs. This is an important distinction. We certainly need each other, but for different reasons.

Men need to feel needed, and women need to feel they are not alone.

Feeling that he makes a difference reduces a man’s stress. It is what gives men a reason for living. On the other hand, feeling that she is not alone and that she can get what she needs reduces a woman’s stress. When a women feels she can open up and depend on someone, her stress in life is greatly reduced. When a woman is unable to recognize her needs or get them met, she increasingly feels distress in her life, and then wonders why she doesn’t sleep well at night.

Independent and successful women often ask me why their husbands are so tired. With this new insight, it becomes clear. If she is unaware of her need for him, then he is not empowered by her love and appreciation. Instead, he becomes exhausted in her presence.

When a woman learns to feel her feminine side and identify her true needs for a man, her appreciation can bring out the best in her partner. Rather than becoming tired when he interacts with her, he is energized.

Many women today are under so much stress that they are simply unable to feel their needs. Under stress, women tend to reach out and feel the needs of others rather than their own. With a little time and exploration, these strong and independent women discover and admit to a variety of needs, most commonly:

♦ She needs a man for romantic companionship.

♦ She needs a man to be faithful.

♦ She needs a man for simple companionship. She doesn’t want to come home to a big, beautiful, empty house or apartment.

♦ She needs a man for financial backup—someone who could support her if she couldn’t work.

♦ She needs a man around because she feels safer—two people are twice as good as one.

♦ She needs to have a partner to share fun times with.

♦ She needs a partner to share with who cares about her well-being.

♦ She needs a partner who misses her when he is away.

♦ She needs a partner to help raise the family if they have children.

♦ She needs a partner if she doesn’t want to have children alone.

♦ She needs a partner to have a family.

♦ She needs a partner to share the responsibilities of caring for the nest.

♦ She needs a partner to fix things when they break. She doesn’t want to do her own plumbing anymore.

♦ She needs a partner’s support to feel really great.

The truth is, women today need men more than ever. They just need men in different ways. Men can provide special support that can assist women in coping with the new stresses of modern life, but most women don’t know how to get this support or to appreciate it properly when it is available. With a greater awareness of her needs, a woman can begin to appreciate what she is getting and focus less on what she is not getting. With a more realistic vision of what is possible rather than the Hollywood fantasy of a man who fulfills her every wish, she is better able to appreciate his efforts and not take for granted all the things her partner already does provide.

When she learns to appreciate what a man already offers, a woman holds the key to asking for more in small reasonable increments to get the support she needs and deserves. This is not only a formula for success, but it is also what real love is all about.

I remember when this idea became very clear to me about six years into my own marriage with my wife, Bonnie. After some particularly great lovemaking, I commented, “This was as good as it was in the beginning.”

Her response taught me something important. She said that making love that night was actually better than in the beginning, because, as she explained, “In the beginning, we didn’t really know each other. Now you have seen the best of me and the worst of me, and you still adore me. That is real love.”

Bonnie helped me to have a richer understanding of lasting love. Love is not a fantasy of perfection in which our every need is met, but sharing a life together, striving to meet each other’s needs as best we can. Forgiving our partners for their mistakes and accepting their limitations can be just as fulfilling as appreciating their many gifts and successes. Just as it was difficult for her to live with a man who didn’t always measure up to her expectations, it was challenging for me to accept that I could not and did not provide everything her fantasy of a perfect relationship included.

Just as women need to let go of expecting men to be perfect, men need to let go of expecting women to think we are perfect. Together we have learned that our life does not have to be perfect for us to connect and support each other. Real love does not demand perfection but actually embraces imperfection. Sharing this kind of love enriches all aspects of our lives and brings increasing fulfillment.

Real love does not demand perfection but actually embraces imperfection.

Intimate and truly loving relationships make up the fabric of a fulfilling life. The relentless demands in our lives to have more, go faster, and do better can distract us from this simple truth. The social changes that have expanded our freedoms have also created the need for new ways to keep harmony in our most intimate relationships. In the pages that follow, you will gain new insight, allowing you and your partner to come together in harmony, ease, love, and mutual fulfillment.