Читать книгу From Karma to Grace - John Van Auken - Страница 13

The ability to love and express love is dependent upon childhood caregiving. Much research has documented three bonding orientations in children that carry over into adulthood. In psychological terms, the three bonding orientations are (1) secure bonding, (2) ambivalent bonding, and (3) avoidant bonding.

Secure bonding develops when childhood care is consistent and comforting to the child and offers a safe base from which to explore the world. Such children grow into adults that have a secure orientation toward bonding, which results in an orientation that engenders trust, lasting relationships, shared intimacy, and the ability to work out conflicts through compromise.

Ambivalent bonding develops when the childhood care is inconsistent, creating doubts in the child about the caregiver’s availability and the safety of the base from which to explore the world. Such children grow up to view themselves poorly and become preoccupied with keeping their romantic partners close at hand and firmly committed.

Avoidant bonding develops when the childhood-care needs are repeatedly rejected or the caregiver is frequently upset or violent. Raised in such an environment, these children develop avoidant patterns. As adults, they will avoid emotional intimacy, looking down upon it or dreading any hints of it.

This is the worst of life, that love does not give us common sense but is a sure way of losing it. We love people, and we say that we were going to do more for them than friendship, but it makes such fools of us that we do far less, indeed sometimes what we do could be mistaken for the work of hatred.

Rebecca West, quoted in Rebecca West: Artist and Thinker by Peter Wolfe