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Chapter 2

Being Mean to Ourselves

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”

— Audrey Hepburn, actress

The Voice in Your Head

Kristina was a client of mine who struggled with low self-esteem. She would tell me how she hated her appearance: “I’m so fat and ugly.” She tried diet after diet, starting strong for the first few days but then giving up, telling herself she could never expect to succeed. And her indulging in self-pity would often end with a trip to the gas-station convenience store to pick up her favorite junk food. Her reasoning was, “I’ll never lose weight anyway, so I may as well eat what I want.” She was stuck in a cycle of feeling defeated and overwhelmed by self-pity. All the while, her inner critic told her that, unless she lost the “perfect” amount of weight, she was a failure in life. Since she didn’t believe she could actually follow through with her diet, she felt trapped by her self-dislike.

Like Kristina, we all have an inner critic. What does the voice inside your head tell you? Typically, your inner voice is your harshest critic and zeroes in on your deepest, darkest insecurities. It’s easy to recognize your inner critic because it tends to deal in absolutes and worst-case scenarios. For example, your inner critic might tell you that you’ll bomb your presentation at work because you have no idea what you’re talking about (even though you spent hours preparing for it). Or maybe it whispers that because your kids have been extra crabby lately, you are the worst mother ever (even though you’ve had plenty of proud and meaningful parenting moments). Perhaps your inner critic insists that no one will ever want to be in a relationship with you because you aren’t attractive, smart, or funny enough (even though you have a track record of positive relationships in the past).

Your inner critic’s specialty is ignoring positive qualities and zeroing in on flaws, magnifying them so that they seem more real and terrible than they actually are. This relentless and constantly running monologue is an unwelcome reminder of your insecurities, flaws, and doubts. Whatever your inner critic tells you, it always leaves you feeling terrible about yourself and, at its worst, defeated and hopeless.

When we listen to our inner critic, we start to believe that the lies it tells us over and over are true, and then we start to act as if they are true. It’s a fact of our human nature that when we hear something repeated over and over again, we start to believe it’s true (even if it’s not). What happens when we listen to the repeated lies of our inner critic? Often, we start to neglect our well-being on some level, either because we believe the inner critic when it tells us we’re not worth it, or because we’re trying so hard to prove it wrong that we don’t give ourselves permission to invest in our well-being. These habits of neglect might start to show up in little ways such as not getting enough sleep, indulging in escapes like TV or junk food, letting our exercise routine fall by the wayside, or allowing ourselves to feel inferior to everyone else whether comparing looks or talents. And, if left unchecked, this self-neglect can snowball and become much worse over time, creating or exacerbating many other problems.

Trying to Prove the Voice Wrong

Though Kristina’s experience was an extreme example of the way negative self-talk holds us back, many of us allow similar self-defeating thoughts to sabotage our lives and make us miserable. Listening to the inner critic fuels the underlying belief that we aren’t good enough just as we are, and that we are unworthy. This perpetuates the cycle of not feeling good enough: I don’t like myself very much, and my inner critic reminds me constantly that I’m not perfect, so this, in turn, reinforces my belief that I’m not good enough. It’s a painful cycle to be in, and a tough cycle to break.

Different people tend to deal with this critical inner voice in different ways. Some of us get stuck in the same old bad habits of self-sabotage. Like Kristina, we respond to our belief that we are damaged or flawed by setting ourselves up to fail. Procrastination is an example of this that most of us can relate to. (Sometimes I think I’m an expert procrastinator when it comes to writing!)

If you’re a procrastinator, think about the last time you were facing a deadline and ask yourself why you put off working on that project. Perhaps deep down you were afraid you didn’t possess the qualities needed to perform well. By waiting until the last minute to complete a project, you have a built-in excuse if the project doesn’t turn out the way you hope. “I ran out of time,” or “I could have done a better job if I wasn’t rushed,” is a lot easier to deal with than, “Even though I had plenty of time, I struggled with this project and I still didn’t do as well as I’d hoped, and now I feel like a failure.” Fearing that you don’t have what it takes can be intimidating, so, often, it’s easier to give yourself an excuse than to face even the possibility that you aren’t perfect. The trouble is, none of us is perfect, and mistakes will happen — but making a mistake doesn’t mean you are a failure. If you make unrealistic perfection your standard, you will always be disappointed.

Others respond to the inner critic by throwing themselves into work or other projects, pushing themselves to the breaking point in an effort to prove the negative thoughts wrong. The often-unspoken motivation is: The more power I have, the more important I am; the bigger the number on my paycheck, the more I can prove to my inner critic that I really am worth something.

I personally experienced this during my graduate training in Washington, D.C. While I made several meaningful friendships and professional relationships, there seemed to be a general attitude in the city that power, busyness, and self-importance were more important than meaningful connections and relationships. Often, people were more interested in the networking and opportunities a new acquaintance could provide someone than in an authentic relationship. There was an uncomfortable undercurrent of “I’m only interested in what you can do to help me further my career” in many social interactions. At social events, the first question asked was, “What do you do?” Far from being a harmless question, this turned potential new friendships into transactions, like we were in a game of one-upping each other. I distinctly remember someone telling me with pride that they “worked on the Hill.” I knew very well that they were interning for the summer and probably just fetching coffee and making copies, but they wanted to make themselves sound as important as possible.

Others fight their inner critic by spending all their energy trying to ensure that they are well-liked and that everyone is happy with them. I’m reminded of an old acquaintance of mine who used to try to buy the friendship of others. He would insist on unnecessarily covering the check at birthday dinners or buying expensive gifts for friends and acquaintances alike. Often, people would try to take advantage of his generosity. In reality, he didn’t have much confidence in his likability and tried to mask it by excessive generosity.

Unfortunately, when we measure our self-worth by a paycheck, or by the power we have, or by how much people like and admire us, sooner or later it backfires. The truth is, we’re never satisfied when it comes to power, money, or the admiration of others, and we will always want more. Yet power, money, and the admiration of others can disappear in an instant. They’re not a reliable foundation on which to base your self-worth.

How to Recognize and Reject That Inner Voice

Often, we don’t even realize that there’s a running monologue of self-defeating thoughts in our heads until we take a step back to look for them. Usually, we just accept these thoughts as fact and let them guide our actions. And the more we listen to and accept these thoughts as facts, the more deeply ingrained they become.

But I will let you in on a little-known fact: Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean that thought is true. Really! Think about how many times you’ve had a random thought appear out of the blue. For example, maybe your friend has been acting evasive lately when you try to make plans for dinner with them. You can’t help but think maybe they don’t want to spend time with you anymore. But is this true? Maybe. But it could also be that your friend is being evasive because they are planning a surprise birthday party for you, or they are distracted by a stressful work week or a difficult family relationship. Once you know the facts, it’s easy to see that your initial belief wasn’t actually accurate.

Our thoughts are not always true, but some thoughts are easier than others to dismiss. Most of our thoughts aren’t very powerful — or, as I like to say, very “sticky” — but the thoughts our inner critic feeds us are very sticky for some reason. Yet the thoughts your inner critic feeds you are simply … not … true.

Take a step back and ask yourself what that voice inside your head is telling you. What kind of lies is it feeding you on a daily basis? If you’ve never tried to stop the lies your inner critic is feeding you, it can be difficult even to recognize them at first, because they are so deeply ingrained. Here’s a clue to help determine whether your negative thoughts are coming from your inner critic or from your authentic (and more accurate) self: if the thought is negative and coming from a place from fear, it’s probably your inner critic.

For example, many of my friends and I can have trouble accepting compliments. Even something as simple as “I love your scarf” can be uncomfortable to hear. It’s easier to respond with, “Oh, I couldn’t decide what to wear this morning so I grabbed this in a hurry, but it’s actually a pain to wear,” when a simple “Thank you!” would have been sufficient.

Why is it so hard to accept a compliment? For many of us, it’s because we believe it when our inner critic tells us we don’t deserve it. A “congratulations” or a “job well-done” on a work project, or even a compliment on our physical appearance, seems like a lie. Rather than boosting confidence, compliments serve as an uncomfortable reminder that we aren’t happy with ourselves.

Similarly, we all have those friends who are always apologizing, even if something isn’t their fault. Their emails, texts, and phone calls always begin with “Sorry to bother you, but …” While it seems harmless enough, this simple phrase communicates that they feel like they are imposing on us and our time, as if they have to preemptively apologize for asking a simple question. Here’s a tip I’ve found helpful in conquering this habit: Whenever I find myself starting an email with an apology, I delete the apology and dive right into the reason why I am emailing.

That pesky inner critic can also show up when we talk negatively about ourselves to other people. Phrases like, “I’m so lazy,” “I’m not good at XYZ,” and “I’m sorry I’m so boring,” are all ways our critical inner voice leaks out. It’s our way of expressing that we aren’t happy with ourselves.

The inner critic constantly reinforces any false belief we may have that we are unlovable, unworthy, and never enough.

Like Kristina, we can let this voice keep us from lifting ourselves up and striving for our goals. It tells us that we’ll never amount to anything, and we ask ourselves why we even try. If we can’t do it perfectly, we may as well not do it at all, we tell ourselves. At the same time, we hold ourselves to impossible standards of perfection that we don’t expect from anyone else. It’s understandable if other people make mistakes, but we think we should never make mistakes, because that indicates we are stupid and weak. Other people may struggle to keep their lives together, but we have to maintain perfect work/life balance or we’re failing in our relationships. We love many other people who may not be beautiful or successful by any worldly standard, but unless we lose a certain amount of weight, look a certain way, have a particular job, make a certain amount of money, or own a particular type of home, we are failures. The trouble with holding ourselves to standards of perfection is that we will always be disappointed because (news flash!) no one is perfect.

Sometimes it’s easier to see this when it comes to other people. We are quick to offer words of support and encouragement when someone else is struggling in any way. Why do we withhold that same kindness from ourselves?

While we may not neglect ourselves to the same extent as Kristina (or Jeffrey and Anna from the previous chapter), our belief that we aren’t worth taking care of can show up in many other ways. When day-to-day life seems overwhelming, zoning out in front of the TV eating a bowl of cereal is much easier than dragging ourselves to the gym for a workout. Skimping on sleep is somehow easier than getting to bed on time. We’d rather stay up late watching TV, which inevitably means getting up in a rush the next morning, after hitting the snooze button one too many times. Neglecting self-care can also look like snacking on a candy bar instead of eating a well-balanced meal, or feeling like you have to say yes to every request at work or favor asked by a friend.

When we listen to our inner critic, we give in to not expending the time and energy it takes to take care of our needs. And we can be very creative with our excuses for neglecting self-care. Typical excuses include:

• I don’t have the time.

• I don’t have the energy.

• People need me (family, coworkers, friends).

• That time in front of the TV is the only “me time” I get in a day.

• What are you talking about? I’m fine — I don’t need much anyway.

Do any of these sound familiar? If you consistently relegate your own well-being to the back burner, you probably need to take a look at what’s going on. Why are you so bent on achieving impressive things in your work, to the detriment of your health? Why do you bend over backward to make sure everyone likes you? Or why do you keep falling back into the bad habits and cycles that leave you feeling miserable and defeated? On some level, you’re probably listening to that mean voice in your head — or trying your hardest to prove it wrong.

Silence Your Inner Critic

Listening to our inner critic and neglecting self-care are often deeply ingrained and, because of this, it can take time to learn a new way of thinking about ourselves and our self-worth. For most of us, that inner voice is a melding of many factors that have joined forces over the course of our lives to become the self-critical monologue we hear in our heads on a daily basis. Negative childhood experiences, criticism from our parents or other adults in our life when we were children, difficulty in school, friendship struggles, relationship challenges, and body-image issues all contribute to the formation of the inner critic. While everyone’s negative voice sounds different, unfortunately, no one is immune.

Thankfully, you don’t have to let your inner critic sabotage your life. You can break the cycle of self-defeating thoughts and actions.

Stopping the cycle begins with silencing that inner voice. It’s time to make a change. When you ignore your own needs, you set yourself up for long-term misery, and over time you reinforce the lie that you’re not worth the effort. It starts with small habits of neglect, such as regularly skimping on sleep, or consistently trading healthy meals for more convenient but less healthy takeout. Over time these small habits can snowball into bigger ones, like letting relationships slide. The result? You’re stressed, overwhelmed, overtired and exhausted, overworked, under-confident, and lonely.

To silence your inner voice, start by challenging it. Refuse to accept what your inner critic says as gospel truth. Even if the inner voice tells you it’s not worth it, take practical steps to care for your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. In the beginning it may feel counterproductive because your inner critic’s voice is so loud, but that’s okay. Keep challenging it.

That critical voice might tell you there’s no point in working out because it won’t make a difference. Challenging that voice means working out anyway and giving yourself the opportunity to experience the benefits of exercise. That critical voice might tell you that you have to say yes to every request that comes your way. Forget the fact that your calendar is completely booked, if your friend asks for your help planning a surprise party, you feel the pressure to say yes. Challenging your inner critic means acknowledging your schedule is overbooked and sending your regrets to your friend. The more you challenge the lies your inner critic feeds you, the quieter that voice will get, the better you’ll feel (emotionally and physically), and the more you’ll believe that you are lovable and worthy just as you are.

Be Kind to Yourself

Taking better care of your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being means changing the way you treat yourself each day — beginning with the way you speak to (and about) yourself. Commit today to being as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else. Try to be kind when thinking about yourself. Try to be kind when speaking to yourself. Try to be kind when you are feeling run-down and lousy. Try to be kind when you are struggling with a tough situation. Treat yourself with kindness.

Hang in there and don’t give up. Not only is treating yourself with kindness important and beneficial for you, it’s a road map to becoming the most authentic version of yourself. And the wonderful thing about living a full and authentic life is that it has a spillover effect. You are a better friend, parent, daughter, son, coworker, partner, etc., to the people in your life. When you radiate the knowledge that you are a unique human being worthy of being loved, it’s contagious, and others experience it and benefit from it.

Reflection Questions

1. What specific lies does your inner critic tell you?

2. Are there particular times/situations when your inner critic’s voice becomes louder?

3. How does believing your inner critic negatively affect your life? How do you neglect your self-care as a result of the inner critic’s lies?

Discussion Questions

1. What kind of impact does a person’s inner critic have on their emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being?

2. Why do we so easily accept the lies our inner critic tells us about ourselves, yet immediately see the lies when our friends speak badly of themselves? Why do we hold ourselves to a different standard?

3. Think of the people you know who radiate healthy confidence. What makes them different from those people who aren’t confident?