Читать книгу Good Stuff from Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family - Karen Casey - Страница 9

Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.

Babe Ruth

Perseverance is the key to success. Anyone's success. It's the dedication to move forward regardless of the odds against you, regardless of the mini-failures along the way. It's buckling down and saying, to yourself or sometimes to others too, I can do this! It's refusing to give up even when at first we don't succeed. Perseverance is resilience transformed into positive action. If resilience is the tool handed over by adversity, perseverance is the ongoing building project as you put those tools to work.

Perseverance is the absolute decision to stick to a goal in spite of setbacks. It's never giving up, even in the face of constant barriers. It's saying “yes” when all the signs around you point to “NO!”

The above quote strikes at the very heart of focused and fought-for success. The eventual overcoming of the dire circumstances that so many of us grew up in depends on perseverance. These are circumstances that bespeak certain failure, and yet millions rise above it. What is in their makeup that propels them forward in spite of the odds? For some I think it's sheer determination to “show them,” particularly those who put us down so often. According to the dictionary, perseverance is “steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.” That describes Charlie, the pilot, to a tee.

Charlie's father couldn't bring himself to praise Charlie about anything. While it was true that Charlie did bring shame on himself and his family in his youth by way of some of his pranks, like the time he “accidentally” burned down the garage, he also accomplished many remarkable feats through his creativity. His dad overlooked these feats, unable to see beyond the disappointments.

One of the remarkable things Charlie shared with me, and the one example that reflects perseverance most, is the way he went about getting his first job as a pilot. And this was after the perseverance it took to complete all of his training and get every license that was possible for a pilot to attain, including two that are the Ph.D. of all aviation licenses: an Air Transport Pilot License and an Airframe and Powerplant License.

After completing his training, Charlie made hundreds of copies of his résumé and sent them to every airline large and small throughout the country. Then got in his car and headed west, visiting every regional airport he came to. He was turned away by more than one hundred, he said, but in every instance, he thanked the interviewer, telling them, “You are helping me get closer to the one who will finally say yes and offer me a job.” Sure enough, that one finally beckoned. This story astounded me and it proves my point, and Babe Ruth's too, that no failure is the end; it's just a rung on the ladder of success.

Those who are successful decide, again and again, that they will not give up or give in to failure.

My own experience with writing a three-hundred-page dissertation taught me that committing to climb the spiral staircase every day and writing for four hours, one word at a time, could produce something remarkable. I wasn't a scholar, but I was committed to finishing what I had begun. Sticking with any project, regardless of its size or complexity, is what success is made of. I don't kid myself into thinking my particular dissertation was the best one ever submitted to an American Studies Ph.D. committee, but I think a good part of the committee's approval was based on my unrelenting commitment to finishing the degree I had begun. It was a labor of love, one to which each committee member also committed at an earlier time in his or her life.

Perseverance is about moving onward and upward regardless of the many boulders that roll in our way, or that are placed there by other “travelers” who, for their own ego-related reasons, want to hinder our success. Those competitors are real. They will trip us up, if we allow them to. Envy and fear push them to try to deter others from the success they lust after.

The many individuals I interviewed for this book display a hallmark of real achievement: they have not allowed the naysayers to successfully deter them. Many begin the journey, but surmounting the boulders is too daunting. Growing up in a dysfunctional home makes the path to success even more precarious. However, for those of us who travel this path through dysfunction and arrive at long-sought success, it is all the sweeter. Those you are reading about here are evidence.

Perseverance is applying ourselves to a task, over and over again, until we feel satisfied with the results.

Let me tell you now about Carl. He too succeeded, but not before dark clouds enveloped him many times. Like so many of us, he never lived up to his dad's dream. From childhood on, when he couldn't catch a ball that was tossed at him, or ride a bike when the other boys did, or read a book without stumbling over the words, his dad heaped shame on him. “What's the matter with you, you dummy?” was a common taunt. Carl said he cried regularly, but tried to hide his tears because they invited even more shame and more frequent teasing. Fortunately, Carl's mother soothed his feelings, but she didn't confront Dad. She, too, feared his derision.

Even though much later in life Carl came to understand his father's own fear of failure, his psyche had been wounded to the core. It stood in the way of his early attempts at success. He wasn't able to handle college work—not because he wasn't smart enough, but because he didn't have the courage it took to compete in that arena. He shared with me that he hadn't wanted to go to college right out of high school, and that he had one sister who pled his case with his dad. However, there was no reasonable discussion allowed. He was going. Period!

Carl began his downward slide in the first semester, and when he was dropped from the roster of those who were being considered for membership in a particular fraternity, he quit going to classes all together. His father's response wasn't kind. Nor was it fitting for the gravity of what Carl had just experienced—it minimized his pain. He said suicide didn't really attract him, but crawling under the covers and never coming out did. Fortunately he had a lovely girlfriend who was able to soften the blow he had experienced, and they married soon after.

Carl continued to live in the shadow of his father, a shadow that engulfed him in both shame and anxiety. His father watched his movements on the job like a hawk, even though they didn't even work for the same company. Whenever Carl failed to be at his desk on time, a piece of information his dad knew because he drove by Carl's office on his own way to work, he'd call and criticize him for being lazy and undependable.

Finally Carl quit going to work, much like he'd quit going to classes. His boss paid a visit, apologetically fired him, and then suggested Carl move away so his dad could hound him no longer. And in fact, that's exactly what he did, with a great letter of recommendation from his boss. He finally got his chance to shine, to persevere, and he did. He became a supervisor, and his employees appreciated his many kindnesses. He knew so well how disrespect felt, and he wasn't interested in going down that dark alley with his employees.

Perseverance is being steadfast, not letting failure deter you from staying committed to the goal.

Carl was steadily employed his whole life, retiring only recently, and was honored by his employer and by those he supervised when he left. He could hold his head high. He had learned that perseverance paid off. He knew, firsthand, the pain of criticism contrasted with the pleasure of success. And his experiences prepared him to be an exemplary father to his own children. They never had reason to doubt themselves. He was there to support them at every turn, encouraging them whenever they faltered. His own youth had served him well, if only by way of contrast. He knew what he didn't want his own children to have to experience, and they excelled in every way, just as he excelled as their father.

One of the upsides of being beaten down is that in response, sensitive people will cringe at the thought of beating anyone else down. Some, of course, will pass on to others that which they were made to experience, and many people don't know how to do anything else. But if the receiver has a loving buffer, like the wife Carl was so fortunate to have, he or she will learn and be able to practice another way of relating to the outside world.

Perseverance isn't accomplished as a single act. The beauty of Carl's story is the moment when he relocated at the suggestion of his boss. This represented a breakthrough in his search for a life that was different in every way from the one he experienced with his father close at hand. This was a courageous decision, the first of many he was to make that solidified his success in a life separate from the family that deadened his spirit. Perseverance may start with a single act, but it is ongoing and requires one's full attention. Fortunately, the payoff begins right away, making it all the easier to stay the course.

Another young woman I interviewed comes to mind. Her name is Valerie, and she survived—I use this term intentionally—one of the most dysfunctional families I was introduced to while doing research for this book. Valerie grew up in a small town in northern Minnesota. She was the youngest of four children. Both parents were drug-using alcoholics. And neither mother nor father truly parented the children. Fortunately, the grandparents stepped in.

How Valerie became so resilient and successfully persevered, creating a full and very successful life as a bilingual teacher, is a marvel to be privy to. Her deftness at navigating around and through the myriad landmines set within her family over the years quite literally changed my perception of the possibilities for overcoming what appeared to be “intentional abuse.” Many would have succumbed to a life of drinking and drug abuse themselves. The pills and the alcohol were certainly within easy reach for Valerie's entire young life. She saw going to college as an escape, she said. She didn't plan for a life beyond college. Nor did she really anticipate what college would be like. She simply knew she had to escape her family of origin if she was to live.

Perseverance is not a single act. It's ongoing.

Perseverance beckons whenever we are involved in an activity that fully engages us. This was true for Valerie. She discovered her love of language and her facility with learning another tongue. The excitement she felt helped to obliterate some of the pain of abandonment she felt nearly every day upon arriving home from school, and the pain of hunger at mealtime with no parent in sight. Seeking help from counselors, which she fortunately did when she went to college, got her over many bumps in the road. However, more than once she flirted with suicide during her college years.

The past clings unless we can comfortably put it to bed, and that takes effort. When our attention is shifted from our past dysfunctional surroundings and placed on ourselves and our own journey, miracles seem to happen. It's not an unusual response by a family to seek relief from their own addictions. Others in our lives deserve the freedom to make their own journey while we make ours. Indeed, this is the freedom everyone must have if we are to become who we were born to be.

When I reflect on perseverance and the many gifts it bestows on us, I'm reminded of Harry. He was a drug addict from an early age. We can't really blame addiction on our family of origin, regardless of our desire to do so when we first get clean and sober, but Harry's family was extremely dysfunctional. Choosing to get high, rather than relate to them, seemed like a good choice.

Harry's older brother was mentally ill and institutionalized on many occasions. His parents raged at each other and the boys. Harry was not a good student, not for lack of a good mind but because he lacked direction and focus. As soon as he was introduced to heroin, he spent more time in a stupor than in class.

When I first met Harry we were both new in recovery. He was a charmer, like so many drug addicts are. But he was learning to leave the manipulation in the past. Manipulation is a default position for so many who have lived on the edge with alcoholism and drug addiction. (I didn't escape its allure either.) Once you find success by manipulating others, it's hard not to turn to it, again and again. Harry had been a master, but he didn't want to live in that arena anymore. He was intent on changing. And in time, he did.

Perseverance is oftentimes doing more than is expected.

But let me turn to Harry's perseverance. When we met, he was a server in a restaurant. It was a high-end establishment, and his charm worked wonders. It earned him big tips and the attention of the owner, who soon made him the supervisor of all the servers. He loved the attention and the opportunity this presented. He took the job seriously and began to see where changes could be made in how the restaurant functioned. Before long, he moved into management and became the right-hand person to the owners. His perseverance paid off in spades. They looked to him as a problem solver and a visionary, and he loved the attention he earned and the monetary rewards too.

Working for others in the restaurant business lost its luster after a few years, so Harry formed a partnership with a friend, one he thought he knew well, and they opened their own establishment. No matter how hard Harry worked, he couldn't make the business pay off. What he didn't realize until well into the second year was that his partner was skimming from the profits. Harry's side of the business was to manage the staff and the kitchen. His partner, a man who had business acumen, was in charge of the expenses and the revenues. The balance sheet simply didn't add up.

By the time Harry fully realized the extent of the problem, the creditors and the IRS were knocking on their door. Many people would have filed bankruptcy and walked away. Harry had far too much pride and honesty to do that. They got themselves into the mess, so they needed to do the honorable thing and manage to find the money to pay off their debts. After closing the doors, Harry's partner disappeared, but Harry began the long journey back to solvency. He could have made excuses, blamed his former partner, and hung his head in shame. Instead, he got another job and began paying the IRS and the other creditors what they were owed. He persevered. One foot in front of the other, year in and year out, until the books were balanced. This was his goal, and eventually he made good on every last penny owed.

In the process, he realized he needed another profession that paid more, and he went back to school. That was a wise decision. He learned the finer points of computer science, including web design, and started his own business. He successfully manages that company today. What he doesn't know, he figures out; nothing is too daunting for his inquisitive mind. Nothing is so overwhelming that one who perseveres can't rise above it. Harry is a great case in point, as are Carl, Charlie, and me, too.

Perseverance is learning to rely on the successful examples of others. These individuals are not on one's path accidentally.

When people like us are confronted with what looks like the impossible, we turn to the resources we have mastered. For some it's prayer and meditation. For others it's seeking the guidance of friends, counselors, and mentors—even going to the Internet for clues. The important point here is that perseverance is a tool and a gift to be appreciated when one sees the effectiveness of its application. Never giving up is the underlying key, always.

Before moving on, let's reiterate some of the key points regarding perseverance. If you need encouragement to persevere, perhaps these few reminders will give you the boost you need:

Those who are successful simply decide, again and again, that they will not give up or give in. Determination is what they have.

They rely on the successful examples of others in their lives—individuals who are there for a reason. Lest we forget, no one is on our path accidentally!

They discover that our teachers are always present to help us see what our next step should be.

In most instances perseverance means simply to apply ourselves to a task, over and over again, until we feel satisfied with the results. We won't be perfect in our efforts the first time, or even the last. Perfection isn't our goal. Perseverance is, and it's attainable.

It's ongoing. Not a single act.

Perseverance is oftentimes doing more than what's expected.

It requires full attention for the long haul, but the payoff begins immediately.

And finally, it's being steadfast, not letting failure deter you from staying committed to the goal.