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Introduction

Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’ He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Feed my lambs.’ A second time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Tend my sheep.’ He said to him the third time, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter felt hurt because he said to him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ And he said to him, ‘Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Feed my sheep.’

John 21.15–17

Tend My Flock is a companion and guide for ordained and lay ministers who are seeking to be faithful to their calling and to live well, amid all the complexities and pressures of pastoral ministry in contemporary society. It addresses some of the issues in pastoral ministry which too often remain unspoken. It raises questions and suggests approaches which could be helpful in making sense of complex and confusing situations. It also contains much that is relevant to the experience of spouses and other close relatives of ministers, whose lives are often deeply affected by the minister’s vocation, but who can feel isolated and alone, particularly if they are unfamiliar with the culture of Anglican ministry. I hope it might also be useful to counsellors and therapists working with clergy and their relatives.

Tend My Flock does not attempt to be a comprehensive guide to pastoral care or to provide the last word on the topics explored. Rather it invites dialogue, reflection, honest self-examination and the courage to share struggles and dilemmas with colleagues, friends in ministry and family members. Above all its aim is to enable ministers and those close to them to live their pastoral ministry well. While it is written from an Anglican perspective, with Anglican terminology, most of the issues addressed are common to pastoral ministers of other denominations.

Throughout the Church there is an immense amount of excellent pastoral care provided by ministers, ordained and lay, who, with integrity and sensitivity, communicate God’s love by offering help and support to those who are vulnerable and in need. Much of this pastoral care, which reaches well beyond the faith community, goes unseen and unrecognized.

Ordained pastoral ministry is a particular calling of great privilege and of rich variety and opportunity. It can bring those who minister much fulfilment and joy. Many clergy would not want to be doing anything else. They find it immensely rewarding to be alongside others at crucial times in their journey through life and to share with them the good news of God’s love. They also gain great satisfaction from enabling others to share with them the privilege of pastoral ministry. However, pastoral ministry is a vocation with risks and vulnerabilities for, whatever our calling, we are all frail human beings who make mistakes and sometimes fail. It is also a vocation which can be costly for close relatives and friends of ministers.

Tend My Flock is therefore written with an awareness of both the privilege and the risks involved in pastoral ministry. That is why the story of Peter’s betrayal of his promise to be faithful to Christ, his repentance, forgiveness and commissioning supply the title. We can see in the life and ministry of Peter that it is not our betrayal of Christ that isolates us from each other and separates us from God, but our inability to face up to our betrayals, to learn from them and to allow costly repentance and loving forgiveness to penetrate heart, mind and spirit. We can also see from Christ’s determination to trust Peter again, despite his betrayal, that when we have been let down by others we too may need to take the costly risk of trusting again. This can be hard for ministers, who sometimes get hurt by harshly given criticism and who understandably seek to protect themselves from further hurt. It can also be hard for those to whom they minister, disillusioned at discovering that their ministers are ordinary human beings who fail and get things wrong.

Reading this book may, at times, stir up uncomfortable thoughts and feelings about mistakes and failures in ministry. But it is written with a conviction that it is only when we believe that we are better than we are, deny our weaknesses or isolate ourselves in shame and despair at our betrayals that we place ourselves outside the reach of the healing and redemptive love of God, mediated to us through friends, family, colleagues and those to whom we minister. When we can face ourselves, our mistakes and the damage we have done and seek forgiveness, then redemption is possible for us and for those whom we have hurt. This does not in any way excuse or justify bad or unethical practice, let alone the abuse of those who are vulnerable, but it is recognition that, for anyone engaged in pastoral ministry over any length of time, there will be things we get wrong and things we could have done so much better. One of the paradoxes of ministry is that those ministers who have honestly and in humility faced up to their failures and betrayals, sometimes become the most pastorally sensitive and effective, with a ministry deeply enriched by painful confrontation with their own wounded humanity. We all love imperfectly and we all hurt even those we love most and most want to serve. But it is when we have the courage to face our broken humanity and be vulnerable that God is able to work through us far more powerfully than when we are relying too much on our own human strength. We are much more likely to get into difficulties and betray our calling when, like Peter, we are so confident and enthusiastic that we overreach ourselves or claim to be more competent and resilient than we are.

Tend My Flock is also written with an awareness that those who get things badly wrong, causing untold damage in the way they minister, have almost always set out with high hopes and ideals. Usually the slide into unethical or abusive practice happens gradually, with the small acts of self-deception and compromise that we are all prone to. Naming some of the issues, particularly those which are seldom talked about in ministry, may help to overcome the fear which can isolate ministers and prevent them from acknowledging vulnerability to colleagues or to those they serve. The hope is that the reflections offered in this book, the practical suggestions made and the questions raised, will encourage self-awareness and realism about the risks inherent in pastoral ministry.

The book focuses not only on areas of risk but also on how ministers can sustain their ministry by taking proper care of their own needs for rest, relaxation and support. It also encourages discussion between the minister and those close to them about the impact of ministry on their pattern of life and relationships. In this there is recognition that we are all members of the flock that needs tending. All who are called to offer pastoral care to others also need to receive love and care and to learn an appropriate love and care for themselves and their families, if they are to remain faithful to their calling and to minister in ways that are life enhancing. Loneliness, isolation and the insulation that comes when we protect ourselves from hurt often lie behind poor pastoral practice. Pastoral care cannot be done without support from other people and is never one-way.

Theological reflection, the sacraments, prayer and meditation are also vital. Self-awareness can grow through a willingness to examine our inner responses to people and situations in the light of Scripture and with the help of insights into human emotional and psychological development. This process needs time for prayer and reflection in solitude, but it cannot be done in isolation. True self-understanding is always discovered in community, in the context of our relationships with other people. There are some aspects of ourselves that we simply cannot see for ourselves. We need someone else to hold up the mirror and reflect back to us the parts that they can see but which are hidden from our view. This demands a context of trust in which we can let go of fear and feel safe enough to explore and share our fear and self-doubts with others. The danger for ministers, particularly those who are ordained, is that their position of authority may insulate them from the kind of honest feedback from other people which we all need if we are to grow in self-awareness. When criticism comes in a form that is so disguised that it provides no useful information, the minister is deprived of valuable insights into how their behaviour affects other people. When it is given in ways that are hurtful and bewildering, then he or she may retreat from authentic encounter in order to avoid further pain. We all need to experience loving acceptance if we are to risk revealing our true selves. Then we may learn to allow others to confront us, in love, with those aspects of ourselves that cause difficulty in our ministerial relationships.

This guide is not only about recognizing areas of difficulty. It can also be used to create opportunities to affirm our own and other ministers’ good pastoral practice. There is a place for reflecting carefully and prayerfully on an aspect of ministry, checking out our perceptions with others and acknowledging that it is an area where we function well. Specific positive feedback and thoughtful encouragement play a crucial role in building up confidence and energizing us to meet new challenges. Ministers who receive affirmation and discover how encouraging it is are more likely to give affirmation to those they serve. Parishioners who feel affirmed by their ministers are also more likely to respond to them with encouragement. In church life we often fail to encourage or express our appreciation to one another, but we all need affirmation from others to sustain us in ministry, particularly through the inevitable times of discouragement. Identifying what we and other ministers do well and why something has been successful is a vital part of becoming more effective in ministry.

Notes

 ‘Minister’ is used to include both lay and ordained ministers.

 ‘Ordained minister’ is used when focusing on issues specific to clergy.

 ‘Parish’ and ‘benefice’ are used interchangeably.

 ‘Area dean’ and ‘rural dean’ are used interchangeably.