Читать книгу Italian Maverick's Collection - Кейт Хьюит - Страница 52
ОглавлениеHE’D MADE A mess of everything.
Stefano’s hands balled up and pounded the desktop, rattling the mug of pens as well as the computer keyboard. A few days had passed since he’d ended things with Jules. She still spoke to him, but it was at a bare minimum. And now that the wine-tasting event was over, he had far too much time on his hands.
What had gotten into him to let things get so out of control?
How could he have forgotten that his solitary life was one of his own making? His penance. If Jules had a clue he was to blame for his wife’s death, she’d hate him. And that’s how it should be. He didn’t deserve another chance at love. And he certainly didn’t deserve it at the expense of Jules’s education. He couldn’t stand to be responsible for the demise of her dreams. He’d done enough damage for one lifetime.
If only he’d kept his hands to himself. His thoughts strayed back to the amazing time he’d spent with her wrapped in his arms. The strawberry scent of her hair. The velvety smoothness of her skin. He drew his tormenting thoughts up short. How could their lovemaking be so wrong when it felt so right?
It had to be all the talk about the wedding. It was messing with his mind, reminding him that he was all alone. Any other time that wouldn’t have bothered him, but right now it sounded so grim and miserable. He was going to end up like his father. Old and alone.
But the memory of his father and Maria squeezed into his mind. Something told him that his father was starting to live again, step-by-step. He was happy for him, but that wasn’t possible for Stefano. It was different.
Stefano had driven his wife from the house in the middle of the night with his unwillingness to compromise—his unwillingness to see that his wife was not the same woman he thought he’d married. Or that he’d only seen what he’d wanted to see when they’d said their vows. Either way, they’d both become disillusioned.
Her last words to him ran through his mind. The man I thought I loved doesn’t exist. He was a man I made up in my mind. We don’t belong together. We never did.
“Are you busy?”
The sound of Jules’s voice had him turning to find her standing in the doorway of the winery office. “What are you doing here?”
Her eyes widened at his unintentionally brusque tone. “I wanted to know if you’d have time to run into the city tomorrow. But don’t worry about it. I’ll find another ride.”
“Don’t be silly. It’s my responsibility to get you around.” He hadn’t meant to be so rough with her. He was frustrated with himself, not with her.
“I don’t want to put you out. With you being busy, I can get there on the train.”
In truth, he didn’t have that much to do. This wasn’t their busy time, and his father was moving around the vineyard like a man half his age. If it was because of Maria, he would be the first to admit that love suited his father. “I said I’d take you.”
“Fine.” She turned to walk away.
Guilt gnawed at him. He couldn’t let her leave with things so tense between them. He couldn’t stand the thought of her hating him. After all, they were going to be family.
He jumped to his feet and took off after her. “Hey, I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now.”
She shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. I know I’ve been a bother. Always getting in the way—”
“No, you haven’t. You haven’t done a thing wrong.” He didn’t want this cold indifference to drag on. “I know I’ve been tough to live with lately. Let me make it up to you.”
“You don’t have to bother.”
“But I want to.”
“I don’t know.” She wrung her hands together. “What do you have in mind?”
He thought back to what she’d said about wanting a family and a menagerie of animals. He couldn’t help her with the family, but there were animals at the vineyard. “How would you feel about a horseback ride around the grounds?”
She worried her bottom lip. “But I’ve never been on a horse before.”
“I’ll teach you.”
Her eyes lit up. “Are you serious?”
He nodded. “Does this mean you agree?”
“I suppose.”
Was that a hint of a smile pulling at her very tempting lips? He sure hoped so.
He suddenly found himself anxious to show her the ropes. Jules could be a lot of fun—when she wasn’t upset with him. She had a way of making him smile, and it’d been a long time since he’d done that. The guy he used to be—the one who used to talk smoothly with the women and make them smile—now seemed like a stranger to him. Maybe it was time he brushed up on his skills. After all, there was no reason to make Jules miserable. She hadn’t done anything wrong except get involved with him.
And how could things go astray while taking a horseback ride? After all, they’d be on separate horses. It wasn’t like he would have a chance to wrap his arms around her and pull her close. Her lips wouldn’t be right there in front of him, ripe for the picking.
He squelched the titillating thoughts. He had to see Jules like he saw other women. He couldn’t keep lusting after her. Her future was in New York.
* * *
Jules was proud of herself.
After some coaching from Stefano and the patience of a mild-mannered horse, she was feeling at ease as Stefano guided her around the vineyard. The place was even bigger than she’d imagined. Acres and acres of vines stretched out in every direction. Stefano regaled her with stories of his family’s history on the land and how they’d been able to expand onto neighboring lands.
She really enjoyed listening to him talk. She wasn’t so sure if it was the honeyed tones of his voice or the entertaining twist he put on the tales—each story bigger and more outrageous than the last. He got her to laugh, and it felt good. It was as if a dark cloud had rolled away, letting the warm sunshine rain down on them.
They stopped on a distant hillside overlooking the villa. She wished that she’d brought her camera. This was a scene worthy of being on the back of a postcard. On the other side it should read: heaven.
Stefano alighted from Bandit, his chestnut mare with the fiery mane. The horse was spirited just like her master. And when they rode, it was if they could read each other’s thoughts. Their ride had been smooth, and Jules had enjoyed watching them.
Stefano glanced her way as though waiting for her to get down. She wasn’t about to budge, not a chance. Not without his help. She didn’t relish the thought of falling on her backside, especially in front of him. She’d never live it down.
He started toward her. “Would you like some help?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
When he stood before her, she leaned over. His hands gripped her waist as though they belonged there. Her fingers pressed to his muscled shoulders. The heat of his body permeated his shirt and warmed her hands. Her gaze met his. Her heart tap-tapped. She felt herself drowning in his bottomless eyes. The breath hitched in her throat as her body slid slowly, agonizingly, down over him.
When they stood chest to chest, there was a distinct unsteadiness in his breath. And then there was a nudge behind her. The horse had given her a healthy shove until her entire body was pressed against Stefano’s unmoving form. In the next instance, his mouth pressed to hers. It was only then that she was willing to admit how much she’d longed for this moment.
His mouth moved passionately over hers as though he was starving for this kiss—for her. Her heart pounded in her chest. And the only thought in her head was the L word. Dare she admit it? How could she not?
She loved Stefano!
When had that happened? She wasn’t sure. But she knew it’d been growing and evolving for a while now. And she couldn’t deny it any longer. She was in love with Stefano DeFiore. Her heart soared as she met his kiss with her own vigor and excitement.
She felt as though she were floating on a fluffy cloud. She didn’t want to mess up this moment. She’d been waiting her whole life for him. Wrapped in his arms, it felt as though anything was possible. And it didn’t matter how steep the climb—she would reach the summit. She could do it.
Before she lost her nerve, she had to tell him. She had to let him know that she loved him with all her heart. Her insides quivered, and she didn’t know if it was the excitement of his kiss or the trepidation of vocalizing the L word—something she hadn’t said since she was a naive kid.
Using every bit of willpower, she braced her hands on his solid chest and pushed. Her mouth tingled, but she resisted the urge to smooth her fingers over the whisker-worn skin. There was a far more important task ahead of her. She hoped he felt the same way about her.
His confused gaze met hers. She couldn’t let him say anything. He’d ruin the moment, and she’d lose her nerve.
“I love you.”
Those three ginormous words hung there. Stefano didn’t move. He didn’t speak. She wasn’t even sure if he was still breathing.
As the silence stretched on, she started to question whether she’d truly uttered the words or just imagined the whole thing.
“Did you hear me?” She didn’t have the courage to repeat the words.
His eyes darkened. He’d heard her. And he wasn’t going to respond the way she’d imagined—the way she’d hoped he would.
His hands fell away from her, setting her free. In fact, it was as though he’d quickly erected a fortress around himself. He didn’t even have to say anything; she already felt the coldness of rejection.
She refused to let him off that easily. She’d never spoken those words to another man in her entire life. He at least owed her an explanation of his feelings. A simple apology because he didn’t feel the same way. Anything but this damnable silence that was about to drive her crazy.
“Say something!” She clenched her fists. “Don’t just ignore me.”
He cleared his throat. “I’m not.”
“Aren’t you going to say anything in response?”
His hands moved to his waist and he stared down at the ground. “I can’t tell you what you think you want to hear.”
Wait. Did he just say what she thought he’d said? She replayed his words in her mind.
“What I think I want you to say. What does that mean?”
He sighed. “You’re a long way from home. Your sister is moving half a globe away from you. And you’re at a crossroads in your life. It’s natural that you’d want to reach out to someone and hold on tight. It would be an easy fix.”
With every word out of his mouth her face warmed, but it wasn’t embarrassment. It was anger. He was diminishing this moment—the first time she’d trusted a man with her heart. And he was shredding it before handing it back to her.
Unable to formulate words, she stood there. Tears stung her eyes, and she blinked repeatedly, refusing to let them fall. She was stronger than that. Stefano didn’t deserve to witness her tears.
“You don’t love me.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I’m flattered that you think so highly of me, but if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.”
He wasn’t getting off that easily. “Tell me. Tell me every reason that would make you unlovable.”
He shook his head and then rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t think so. We need to get back to the villa before people start to wonder what happened to us.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me.” She walked over to a tall tree filled with fluttering green leaves and sank down on the lush grass beneath it.
“Jules, be reasonable.”
“I am. I was honest about my feelings. Now you need to be honest with me. I’m not going anywhere until you do.”
Resignation filtered across his tanned face. He led the horses over to a nearby tree and tied them up before returning to her side. He sat down next to her.
She steeled herself for whatever he was about to say. The way he’d been acting and holding himself back told her that it was pretty serious. Whatever it was, they’d deal with it together.
“Talk to me, Stefano. I’ve told you about my past.”
“I know you did, and I appreciate how brave you were to do that, but this isn’t the same thing. I...” He plucked a piece of tall grass and twirled it between his fingers. “I’ve done things—things that can’t be forgiven.”
She wanted to understand, but he wasn’t giving her much to go on. “Does this have to do with your wife?”
He nodded. “We were high school sweethearts. She had this special way about her. All the guys turned to watch when she passed by, but she only had eyes for me.”
“What was she like?”
“A dreamer. She’d love to lie back in the grass and stare up at the blue sky and talk about her dreams for the future.” He leaned back against the trunk of the tree. “Taking those dreams from her changed her.”
“How did you do that?”
“I married her. She thought by marrying a DeFiore that my money would bankroll her dreams. The truth is she never wanted to live here at the vineyard. She longed for the city and the high life.”
“And you didn’t see things that way?”
“No.” Stefano gazed straight ahead. “After the honeymoon ended, the arguments started. She wanted to travel, and I kept putting her off, hoping she’d adjust to our new life together.”
“But she never did.”
He shook his head. “And I thought if we had a baby that it’d help things.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what I was thinking. A baby is no answer to problems in a marriage, but I was desperate. We were becoming more distant by the day.”
Jules knew that it was important for him to get this off his chest and for her to hear it. She also knew how difficult and painful it could be to peel back the scab on a deep wound. She reached out and squeezed his hand, giving him what reassurance she could.
He cleared his throat. “Nothing I said or did was right. And I was losing hope that somehow we’d find the light at the end of the tunnel.”
“Oh, Stefano. I’m so sorry. It must have been so hard for you.”
“But that’s just it—it shouldn’t have been so hard. If only we’d talked before we got married. I mean really talked about what we were feeling and what we wanted out of life. But we were always so busy with this or that. I kept putting it off, figuring that we were in love and that life would just work itself out. But I was so wrong. I really messed things up.”
“I’m sure you aren’t the only one who thought that love was enough to iron out all of the wrinkles in life. Sometimes love runs out of steam and the wrinkles are all that remain.”
He turned to her, his eyes full of turmoil. “But it’s more than that. When I learned that Gianna wasn’t interested in having kids or living here at the vineyard, I didn’t take it well. I thought when we married that it was understood that we would start a family and I would keep working at the winery.”
“But she wanted her dreams, and they were a long way from the vineyard.”
He nodded. “She wanted to travel the world and write stories of our experiences. She said there were people that became professional bloggers for a living. She thought since I did well in English class that I would be able to do this. What she didn’t consider was that I hate to write. I can do it for the winery blog, but it is out of necessity, not want.”
To Jules, he was a hands-on guy, one who didn’t mind rolling up his sleeves and getting dirty—actually he probably preferred it. As for kids, Jules imagined he’d make an excellent father. He had the patience and the temperament to help them reach their full potential. If only she could be like that... But this wasn’t about her, and there was more to his story. Of that she was certain.
“What happened to your wife?”
“Things had been deteriorating between us for a long time. I’d finally moved into the bedroom next to hers. She’d threatened to leave numerous times, and I always talked her out of it, certain that there had to be a way to fix things. But I just didn’t know what the answer was.” He sighed deeply as though he’d been carrying around the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Then one stormy night, she prepared dinner, but I could tell that she had something on her mind. Neither of us ate much, and when my father made a quick exit to his room, her anger and frustration came tumbling out. She said that she got an email from one of our classmates, and he was about to set sail around the world.”
Jules’s insides tensed with foreboding. His tone grew softer as though he had disappeared back in time to that fateful night. She wanted to pull him back to her—back to the present—but she couldn’t. If they were ever going to make a future for themselves, then they had to get this all out in the open.
“What...what happened next?”
He gave Jules a quick glance as though she’d startled him back to reality. Then, in a hollow, pained voice, he continued, “Gianna said that she was tired of waiting for me. She was losing time, time that she could be off exploring the world, discovering new things. I...I asked her if she still loved me.”
Jules’s heart pinched. She knew the answer, and she was willing to bet that he’d known the answer before he had even asked the question. The backs of her eyes stung again, and she blinked repeatedly to keep her tears of sympathy from splashing down her cheeks. She didn’t want to make this any harder on him.
He drew in an unsteady breath. “She said she didn’t love me. She...she didn’t know if she ever truly did because I wasn’t the man she thought she’d married.”
Jules squeezed his hand tight. She wanted to offer words of comfort, of encouragement, but they clogged up in her throat. This story was going to get worse, much worse. She lifted her head and tried to subdue her emotions. In the otherwise clear blue sky, one lone cloud floated over them, blocking out the sunlight.
Stefano massaged the back of his neck. “I was hurt and I was angry. Most of all, I was tired—tired of all the fighting. Tired of trying to find a way out of the mess. Tired of feeling so miserable. And that’s when I made the worst mistake of my life.”
The air was trapped in Jules’s lungs as she waited for what happened next—what had turned this fine man into a shadow of the outgoing person everyone told her he used to be.
“I told Gianna that I wasn’t a man to skip off into the sunset and forget my responsibilities. And that she might as well quit waiting around for that to happen. If she didn’t love me or our life at the vineyard, then she could use the door. I told her I was done...with her.” He rubbed a hand over his eyes. “And with our marriage.” He dropped his face into his hands. “Why did I do that?”
“You can’t blame yourself for being honest with her.”
His head jerked up, and his distraught gaze needled her. “You don’t know what you’re saying. If only I hadn’t lost my patience—if I’d tried to reason with her, none of it would have happened.”
“What happened?”
The only sound was the breeze rustling the leaves overhead and a couple of birds singing. Stefano stared off into the distant horizon as though in his mind he was back in that stormy night. Jules waited for the ominous conclusion to his heart-wrenching story.
“For the first time ever, she didn’t fight back.” His voice cracked with emotion. “It was as though my words had knocked the fight out of her. Gianna ran out of the kitchen. I didn’t want to go upstairs. I didn’t want to confront her again. So I started cleaning up the dinner dishes. I don’t know how much time passed when I heard the car start and the engine rev as she gassed it out of the driveway. I went to the door and ran outside after her. The rain was coming down in sheets, and the wind was turbulent. It wasn’t a night fit for driving. But I couldn’t stop her.”
Jules’s wrapped her arm around his back and leaned her head against his shoulder. “You didn’t force her out into the storm—”
“But I did. I was the reason she ran off that night. I didn’t give her any reason to stay. If only I’d...”
“Nothing you could have said would have made a difference. She was only waiting for you to give her a reason to follow through with her threats. She wanted to go.”
“But not that night.” His voice cracked with emotion. “It wasn’t too much later when the phone rang. The car had hydroplaned...Gianna lost control. The...the car went over an embankment.”
How awful. Now Jules understood the shadow that seemed to follow him around and the way he pulled back when he was having a good time.
“It’s not your fault,” she repeated, willing him to believe her. “She knew what she was doing.”
“But she wouldn’t have been out there if I had thought before opening my mouth. I had all of those months to tell her how I was feeling. Why did it have to be that night?”
“Because she was backing you into a corner. She wanted to go, but she just hadn’t worked up the courage to do it.”
“So you agree. I’m responsible—”
“No. That’s not what I’m saying. You’ll never know exactly what she was thinking that night. But she was a grown woman plenty capable of making her own choices and the accident was just that—an accident.”
“They said that she died instantly.” His voice was so soft that she strained to hear him. “The coroner said she was pregnant. She was going to have my baby.” A tear splashed onto his cheek.
Jules leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. At first, he hesitated, and then his body pressed against hers. Her heart was breaking for him. When he finally got himself together, he pulled back. She reluctantly let him go.
She looked into his bloodshot eyes. “And this is the guilt you’ve been carrying around with you, isn’t it? Every time we start to get close, you pull back because you’re still blaming yourself for Gianna and the baby?”
“Yes.” His voice took on a weary, broken tone. “I don’t deserve to have you in my life.”
“I disagree. I think I’m exactly what you need.”
When he glanced at her, she ducked her head and pressed her lips to his. He didn’t move at first. She brushed her mouth over his, hoping he’d respond—that he’d reach out to her. He’d been so alone for so long and piling on the guilt for his wife’s untimely death. She couldn’t imagine what that would feel like. He was a good guy, and he deserved to move on with his life.
His lips moved over hers like a drowning man sucking in some much needed oxygen. He pulled her over onto his lap. His hands on either side of her head. Her hands resting on his powerful shoulders. Lip to lip and tongue to tongue, the love dance of a lifetime started.
At last the wall between them had come crumbling down. Jules knew what she wanted—Stefano. She wanted all of him, his past and his future. She loved him.
