Читать книгу Powerful and Proud - Кейт Хьюит - Страница 15
ОглавлениеCHASE felt his heart race as he held Millie in his arms and she sobbed as if her own heart were breaking.
God help him. God help them both. He’d never expected sex between them to be like that. Mind-blowing indeed. He was completely and utterly spent, emotionally, physically, everything.
Millie pressed her face against his neck, her body shaking with the force of her emotion. Chase didn’t speak, knew there were no words. He just stroked her back, her hair, wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs.
Millie’s sobs began to subside into snuffles and hiccups, and she curled herself into him, as if she wanted to be as close to him as possible, her legs across his, her arm around his waist, her head still buried against his neck.
Chase held her, cradled her closer, even as part of him was distantly acknowledging that this had been one hell of a mistake.
She lifted her face from his neck and gazed up at him with rain-washed eyes. She looked so unbearably open; she’d dropped all the armour and masks. Nothing hid her from him any more, and he really wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He shifted so he could hold her a bit more loosely, waiting for her to speak.
‘I want to tell you,’ she said quietly, hesitantly. ‘I want to—to talk about my past.’
He didn’t think he wanted to hear it. Chase adjusted her more securely against him, knowing she needed that. She needed him, God help them both.
‘OK,’ he said.
Millie glanced down, ran her hand down the length of his bare chest. Even now he reacted, felt the shower of sparks her touch created in him. He wanted to dismiss it as mere chemistry, but he knew he couldn’t.
‘My husband died two years ago,’ Millie said, and everything, everything in him shrivelled.
Damn.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly. He’d suspected some heartbreak; of course he had. How could he not? Sadness seeped from her pores. But a husband? A widow? He thought of all his light, deprecating jokes and inwardly winced.
Outwardly he ran his hand up and down her back, strokes meant to soothe and comfort even as his mind seethed.
‘What happened?’ he asked eventually, because for all her wanting to tell him everything she’d lapsed into silence.
‘He died in a car accident. On the Cross Bronx expressway. A collision with an eighteen-wheeler. They think the driver fell asleep at the wheel.’
Chase swallowed. He couldn’t think of anything more to say, so he just held her.
‘I didn’t tell you because for the last two years it’s completely defined me. Everyone I know looks at me like I’m a walking tragedy.’ Which she was. ‘No one knows what to say to me, so they either ignore me or apologise. I hate it.’
He identified all too much with everything she said, albeit for a different reason. But he knew there was more she wasn’t telling him.
‘And then I feel guilty for thinking that way. Like I want to be happy, even when I know I never can be.’
‘Everyone wants to be happy,’ Chase said. ‘You can be happy again, Millie.’ But not with him. Now, he knew, was not the time to remind her they only had one week together. Four more days after this.
‘I liked the fact that you didn’t know,’ she said quietly. ‘That you treated me normally. I almost—I almost felt normal.’
‘And then you felt guilty for feeling normal,’ Chase supplied. What a depressing cycle.
‘Yes, I suppose,’ Millie said slowly. ‘But more than that.’ She stopped again and he knew he would have to prompt her. Coax the heartbreaking story with all its drama and tragedy out of her bit by bit.
But he didn’t think he had the energy. That probably made him an incredibly shallow bastard, but he couldn’t help it. He’d had his own share of depressing drama, tragedy and pain. He wasn’t sure he could take Millie’s.
And he knew she couldn’t take his.
‘We had a good marriage,’ she finally said. ‘I loved him.’ And what was he supposed to say to that? She bowed her head, her hair brushing his bare chest. ‘And I know no marriage, no relationship is perfect, but I look back and I see all the mistakes I made. We both made,’ she allowed, her voice a throaty whisper, and Chase just let her talk. He didn’t have much to offer her. He hadn’t had too many serious relationships, and he’d never come close to marriage.
Yet.
Why the hell had he thought that?
‘We grew apart,’ Millie said after a moment. ‘Because...because of different things. And the day he died I was sharp with him. I don’t even remember what we argued about, isn’t that stupid? But I didn’t— I didn’t kiss them—him—goodbye. I don’t think I even said goodbye. And Charlotte...’ Her voice caught and Chase pulled her closer. He still didn’t say anything. He had nothing to offer her in this moment, and he knew it. Maybe she did too.
After a ragged moment Millie slipped from his arms. He let her go, watched from the bed as she scooped up her clothes and headed towards the bathroom. ‘I’m going to take a shower,’ she said, her back to him so he could see all the delicate knobs of her spine, the slender dip of her waist and curve of her hip.
‘OK,’ Chase said, and as she closed the bathroom door he felt a shaming wave of relief.
* * *
Millie turned the knobs on the shower and rested her head on the cool tile. Her heart had stopped its thunderous racing and for a second she wondered if it still beat at all. After feeling so painfully, gloriously alive, she now felt dead inside. Numb and lifeless with disappointment.
So Chase didn’t really want intense. Not the kind of intense she’d been offering as she’d lain in his arms and tried to tell him her story. Even as he put his arms around her, went through the motions, she’d felt the coldness of his emotional withdrawal. She’d violated the terms of their agreement—the terms she had made—and he didn’t like it. Didn’t want to go that deep or far.
Stupid, stupid her.
Drawing a shaky breath, she stepped into the shower, let the water stream over her and wash away the traces of her tears. She’d cried after the accident, of course. She’d done the counselling and the support groups and even journalled. But she’d never cried like that. She’d never given so much, so freely, and stupidly it made her want more. It made her want to tell him everything, about her marriage, the accident, Charlotte.
But within thirty seconds of speaking she’d realised Chase didn’t want to know. He wasn’t the only one who could read people.
Another shuddering breath and she reached for the shampoo. At least now she understood the terms: no talking about the past. Chase was all about the physical intimacy, having her melt in his arms, but the emotional stuff? Not so much. He’d liked pushing her but he didn’t like the results. Well, she got that now. And it was just as well, because even if for a few shattering seconds she’d wanted to tell him everything, had maybe even thought she loved him, she understood now that wasn’t where this was going. And when rationality had returned she’d known she didn’t even want to go there. She’d loved and lost once. She wasn’t going to attempt it again, and especially not with a man who was only in it for a week.
By the time she’d showered and dressed, Millie felt more herself. She’d found that icy control, and she was glad. She stepped out of the bathroom, saw the late-afternoon sun slant across the empty bed. They’d skipped lunch and, despite the emotional tornado she’d been sucked into all afternoon, she was hungry. Her stomach growled.
She wandered out to the kitchen and saw Chase talking on his mobile. She waited, far enough way so she couldn’t eavesdrop, and a few seconds later he disconnected the call and gave her a quick, breezy smile.
‘Good shower?’
‘Fine. I’m starving, though.’
‘I’m glad to hear it. I just made reservations at Straw Hat on Anguilla.’
‘Anguilla? How far away is that?’
‘An hour in my boat.’
‘OK.’ Maybe escaping the island would be a good thing.
The door bell rang, and Millie watched as Chase went to answer it. She felt like everything was on fast forward, plans put in motion before she could even think.
‘What’s that?’ she asked when he came back with several shopping bags with the resort’s swirly logo on the side.
‘A couple of dresses. I thought you might like something new.’
She gazed at him levelly. ‘I have a whole suitcase of new clothes.’
Chase just shrugged. ‘I don’t think your wardrobe runs to fun and flirty.’
‘Maybe I don’t want fun and flirty.’
He sighed. ‘Don’t wear them if you don’t want to, Millie. I just thought it might be nice for our big date.’
‘Oh? So this is a big date?’
He narrowed his gaze. ‘What’s with you?’
‘Nothing.’ Somehow everything had changed between them, and not for the better. Chase wasn’t as light and laughing as he’d used to be, as she needed him to be. He was tense and touchy, even if he was trying to act like he wasn’t. And so was she.
‘Fine. I’ll take a look.’ She reached for the bags and caught Chase’s bemused look. ‘Thank you,’ she added, belatedly and ungraciously.
Chase’s mouth quirked in a smile that seemed all too sad. ‘No problem,’ he said quietly, and she retreated to the bedroom.
Half an hour later she was on Chase’s boat, wearing a shift dress of cinnamon-coloured silk as they cruised towards Anguilla.
Chase had shed his blazer and tie and rolled the sleeves up of his crisp white shirt to navigate the boat. He looked amazing.
They hadn’t said much since the exchange in the kitchen, and the silence was making Millie twitchy. She wanted that fun, teasing banter back, the ease she’d felt in Chase’s presence. She’d told him he’d made her uncomfortable, but it was nothing like this.
Moodily she stared out at the sea. The sun was already slipping towards the horizon. A third sunset. Only four more to go and their week would be over. And by mutual agreement, they would never see each other again.
Chase left the tiller to come and sit next to her, the wind ruffling his hair as he squinted into the dying sun. He didn’t ask her what she was thinking, didn’t say anything, and Millie knew he didn’t want to know. He’d only pushed her when he thought she’d push back, not give in. It was the anticipation that had been fun for him, the moment before.
Not the moment after.
‘So how come you have a villa on St Julian’s if you didn’t want to have anything to do with the Bryant business?’ she asked when the silence had stretched on long enough to make her want to fidget.
Chase kept his gaze on the darkening sea. ‘My grandfather bequeathed the island to my brothers and me, and my father couldn’t do anything about it. As soon as I’d established myself I had the villa built. I hardly ever use it, actually, but it was a way to thumb my nose at my father—even if he was dead.’
‘It must have hurt, to have him disinherit you,’ Millie said quietly.
Chase shrugged. ‘It didn’t feel good.’
‘What about your mother?’
‘She died when I was twelve. Breast cancer.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Another shrug. Clearly he didn’t like talking about any of this, but at least he was giving answers. And Millie knew she wanted to know.
‘And your brothers? Do you get along well with them?’
He sighed, raked a hand through his hair. ‘More or less. Aaron is nice enough, but he views life as a game of Monopoly where he has all the money. Luke is my middle brother, and he’s always been trying to prove himself. Total workaholic.’
‘And where do you fit in?’
‘Black sheep, basically, who only semi-made-good.’
‘Are they married?’
‘Nope, none of us seem eager to take the plunge.’ He spoke evenly, almost lightly, but she still heard the warning. Oh, fabulous. So after this afternoon he thought she was going to go all doe-eyed on him, start dreaming of happily-ever-afters. She’d only done that for a second.
‘And you get along?’
‘More or less.’
It didn’t sound like the best family situation. She was blessed to have parents and a sister who loved and supported her, but even they hadn’t been able to break down her walls or keep her from hiding behind the rubble.
Only Chase had done that.
She let out a restless sigh, knowing she needed to stop thinking this way, wanting something from Chase he couldn’t give. Ironic, really, that she’d assumed he was shallow, then believed he wasn’t, only to discover he really was. And, while she’d wanted shallow before, she didn’t want it now.
‘And what about you? You have family around?’ Chase asked.
‘Parents and a sister.’
‘Are you close with them?’
‘Yes.’ She paused, because even though she was close she hadn’t told them as much about her marriage as she had Chase.
‘Not that close, huh?’ Chase said, sounding cynical, and Millie shook her head. She couldn’t bear for him to think that her family was like his, or that her life had been all sadness.
‘No, actually, we are. My sister Zoe is fantastic. She stops by almost every week with my favourite snack, makes sure I’m not working too hard.’
‘Your favourite snack?’
‘Nachos with fake cheese.’
He let a short laugh. ‘That is so low-brow. I was expecting dark chocolate or some exotic sorbet.’
‘I don’t play to type that much,’ she said lightly, and for a moment everything was at it had been, the lightness, the fun. Then something shuttered in Chase’s eyes and he turned away to gaze at the sea.
‘We’re almost there.’ He rose and went to trim the sail as the lights of Anguilla loomed closer, shimmering on the surface of the tranquil sun-washed sea. They didn’t speak as he moored the boat and then helped her onto the dock.
The restaurant was right on the sand, the terracotta-tile and white-stucco building one of a jumble along the beach. It felt surprisingly refreshing to be out of the rarefied atmosphere of St Julian’s, to see people who weren’t just wealthy guests. A rail-thin cat perched along the wall that lined the beach, and a few children played with a ball and stick in the dusky light.
Millie slowed her steps as she watched the children. One of the girls had a mop of dark curls. She looked to be about five years old, a little older than Charlotte would have been.
‘Millie?’ Chase reached for her hand and she realised she’d been just standing there, staring. Children had been invisible to her for two years; it was as if her brain knew she couldn’t handle it and just blanked them out. She didn’t see them in her building, in the street, in the park. It helped that her life was so work-focused; there weren’t many children on Wall Street.
Yet she saw them now, saw them in all their round-cheeked innocence, and felt her raw and wounded heart give a death-defying squeeze.
‘Millie,’ Chase said again quietly and slowly she turned away from the raggedy little group. She wanted to rail at him, to beat her fists against his chest.
See? See what you did to me? I was fine before, I was surviving, and now you’ve opened up this need and hope in me and you don’t even want it any more.
Swallowing, she lifted her chin and followed Chase into the restaurant. The place was a mix of funky Caribbean decor and fresh, well-prepared food. The waiter greeted Chase by name and ushered them to the best table in the restaurant, in a semi-secluded alcove.
‘What’s this? A huge ashtray?’ Millie gestured to the rectangular box of sand in the middle of the table.
‘Nope, just a little sand box to play with while we wait for our food.’ He took a little spade lying next to the box and handed it to her with a glinting smile. ‘Dig in.’
‘Clearly meant for guests with short attention spans.’ She scooped a bit of sand with the miniature spade and dumped it out again. ‘So do you like being an architect?’
‘All these questions.’
She glanced up sharply. ‘It’s called conversation, generally.’ She heard an edge to her voice, knew he heard it too. So now he didn’t like the questions.
Chase leaned back in his chair and took a sip of sparkling water. ‘I like making things. I like having an idea and seeing it become a reality.’
‘What firm do you work for?’
His mouth quirked upwards. ‘Chase Bryant Designs.’
‘Your own.’
‘Yep, started it five years ago.’ He spoke casually, but she heard a betraying note of pride in his voice. He’d made something of himself, and without help from his wealthy family. She wanted to tell him she admired that, that she was proud of him, but how stupid would that be? He’d just feel even more awkward. So she took a large gulp of wine, and then another, deciding that alcohol was a better option.
‘Slow down there, Scary,’ Chase said, eyeing her near-empty wine glass. ‘Or I’ll have to carry you home.’
‘I’m not a lightweight.’
‘No, indeed.’ Now she heard an edge in his voice, and she pushed her wine glass away with a little sigh of irritation.
‘Look, Chase, why don’t you just come out and say it?’
He stilled. Stared. ‘Say what?’
‘You’re done.’
‘I’m done?’
‘Yes. Ever since—’ She paused, swallowed. ‘It’s obvious you’ve had your bout of intense sex and you’re ready to move on. So maybe we should call it a day. A night. Whatever.’ She grabbed her wine glass again and drained it, half-wishing she hadn’t started this conversation.
Half-wishing even now he’d tell her she was wrong.
‘You’re the one who has been picking fights,’ Chase said mildly. ‘I bought you a dress and took you out to one of the best restaurants in the whole Caribbean. So, sorry, I don’t get where you’re coming from.’
She met his gaze squarely. ‘You don’t?’ she asked quietly, no edge, no spite. Just raw honesty.
Chase held her gaze for a breathless beat and then glanced away. ‘No, I don’t,’ he said quietly, and she felt that tiny tendril of hope she’d still been nurturing even without knowing it shrivel and die.
It hurt that, after all they’d experienced and shared, he wouldn’t even own up to how things had changed. It hurt far too much.
She’d known this man for three days. Yet time had lost its meaning in this surprising paradise; time had lost its meaning ever since she’d agreed to have this fling—this intense, intimate, all-in fling—with Chase.
For a second Millie almost rose from the table and walked out of the restaurant. She didn’t need this. She didn’t need Chase. Then the waiter came and they gave their orders, and the impulse passed, her strength fading away.
For it was weakness why she stayed. A weakness for him. That little tendril of hope might have withered and died, but its seed still remained in the stubborn soil of her heart, desperate to grow.
Chase watched the emotions—disappointment, hurt, sorrow—ripple across Millie’s face like shadows on water, wishing he couldn’t read her so easily. Wishing he wasn’t screwing up so badly right now.
Nothing had been the same since the sex, and more importantly since the conversation after the sex. He’d pushed and pushed Millie, had wanted to see her lose that control, had wanted to be the one to make it happen. And when it had, and she’d taken a flying leap over that cliff, what had he done?
He’d backed away, and pretended he hadn’t. Acted like he was still right there with her, flying through the air, when she knew he’d really high-tailed it in the other direction.
Coward. Bastard.
He took a sip of water and stared moodily around at the restaurant. He’d always enjoyed this place, found it fun and relaxing, but not this time. Now he didn’t think anything would kick-start his mood. He wanted the fun back with Millie, the easy companionship they’d had. He hadn’t even realised just how easy it had been, until now.
Now words tangled in his throat and he couldn’t get any of it out. Couldn’t even begin. What to say? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not there for you, when you thought I would be. When you wanted me to be and I just couldn’t do it.
Hell, this was all his fault. He should have listened to that cool, rational part of his brain that had told him to walk away from this woman before she drove him insane. Who said no to ‘intense’, no to a fling, no to anything with Millie Lang.
Instead he’d done the opposite, followed his libido and even his heart, and now he had no idea what to do. He hated seeing the deepening frown lines on Millie’s face, the worry marks on her lip fresher and more raw than ever. As he watched a little bright-red pearl of blood appeared on her lower lip from where she’d bitten it.
Damn. Damn it to hell.
‘Millie...’ He reached over, placed his hand on hers. She looked up, eyes wide, teeth sunk into that lip. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said in a low voice. ‘I’ve totally screwed this up.’
Tears filled those soft brown eyes and she blinked hard as she shook her head, teeth biting even deeper. ‘No. I’m the one who screwed up. I shouldn’t have said all that...after. That wasn’t part of our deal.’
‘I led you to it.’
She arched an eyebrow, somehow managed a smile. This woman was strong. ‘By tying me up and blindfolding me?’
‘Basically.’
‘Have you ever done that kind of thing before?’ she asked, curious, and he actually blushed.
‘No.’
‘Me neither.’
‘Yeah, I pretty much figured that out.’
She let out a laugh that trembled just a little too much. ‘Oh, Chase, I just want it back.’
He eyed her warily. ‘Back?’
‘You. Me. Us. I was having fun, you know, and that felt really good.’ She gave him a wobbly smile that felt like a dagger thrust to the heart. ‘It felt amazing.’
And he knew she was right. It had felt amazing. More amazing than anything else he’d ever had or known. Why was he pushing it away?
Four more days.
‘Come on,’ he said roughly. He rose from the table, nearly knocking over their drinks as he threw down some bills. ‘Let’s get out of here.’
She rose also, taking his hand as he threaded his way through the table. ‘Where are we going?’
‘To a room. A room with a bed.’
‘Or any convenient surface?’ she murmured, and something close to fierce joy pulsed through him.
‘That’s about the size of it,’ he agreed, and led her out into the night.
Millie didn’t ask questions, didn’t say anything at all as he led her away from the beach and towards the street. He hailed a cab, thanked God one screeched to the kerb in three seconds flat and then hauled her inside it.
Still no speaking. Would words break what was between them? Chase didn’t know. Was afraid to find out. And yet he had words, so many words, words he needed to say and, more importantly, she needed to hear.
But, first, a room. A bed.
‘Cap Juluca,’ he told the cab driver, and Millie just arched an eyebrow. ‘It’s a resort here,’ Chase explained, his voice still rough with want. ‘I booked it in case we didn’t feel like sailing back.’
And that was all that was said as they drove away from Meads Bay, down the coast, through the resort’s gates, and then up to the main building. Chase kept hold of her hand as he checked in and then led her away from the main complex towards the private cove that housed their accommodation.
Millie skidded to a stop. ‘A grass hut? Seriously?’
‘A luxurious grass hut,’ Chase said and tugged her inside.
Millie glanced around and he could see her taking in the polished mahogany floor, the comfortable rattan chairs, the gauzy mosquito netting. And the bed. A wide, low bed with linen sheets and soft pillows, the ocean lapping only metres away through the draped net curtains. The wind rustled through the woven grass that made up the roof and walls.
She turned to him. ‘It’s beautiful.’
‘You’re beautiful,’ he said, a catch in his voice, and she shook her head.
‘I don’t need flattery, Chase. I know I’m not beautiful.’ She sounded so matter-of-fact, it made his heart twist inside him.
‘Why do you think you aren’t beautiful?’
‘Even you called me scary. And I know I’m not your usual type.’ She let out a long, low breath. ‘Look, I’m not asking for something from you that you’re not willing to give. I promise.’
And he knew he’d driven her to that confession. Knew she thought he’d had cold feet and, hell, he had. Except now he felt his heart twist and turn inside him and he wanted her all over again, in his bed, in his life.
‘Come here,’ he murmured, and kissed her, slow and deep. She kissed him back, her hands fisting in his hair, her body pressed hard against his.
Somehow they made it to the bed, stumbling and tripping, shedding clothes. She pulled him down on top of her, hands sliding over skin, drawing him closer. ‘I want to touch you,’ she muttered against his throat, licking the salt from his skin. ‘Last time I never got to touch you.’
And he wanted to be touched. He rolled over on his back, let out a shuddering sigh as he spread his arms wide, submitted to her desires. ‘Touch me, Scary. Touch me all you want.’
She laughed and slowly ran her hand down his chest, across the smooth skin of his hip, and then wrapped her hand around his erection. ‘All I want?’
‘Hell, yes.’
She laughed again low in her throat, a seductress filled with power. He liked—no, he loved—seeing her this way, confident, strong, sensual. She kissed her way down his chest, lingering in certain places, blitzing quick caresses in others, and left his whole body on fire. His hands tangled in her hair as she moved lower.
‘Millie...’
‘You said all I want,’ she reminded him huskily, and took him in her mouth.
Lord have mercy. He closed his eyes, all thought obliterating as she moved on him. All he could feel was Millie. All he could think was Millie.
Millie.
His hips jerked and he let out a cry; she moved so quickly he barely registered the change as she sank on top of him so he filled her up and she set the pace, her hands behind her, braced on his thighs. Chase didn’t have much left in him. He grabbed hold of her hips and arched to meet her, his eyes closed, his head thrown back, everything in him a surrender.
A joy.
‘Millie,’ he said aloud, groaning her name. ‘Millie.’
She came on top of him, her body tensing gloriously and then drooping over him as her hair brushed his cheek and she let out a long, well-satisfied sigh.
Chase let out another shuddering breath. This woman was going to kill him if she kept this up. He felt the thunder of his heart, and knew it was more of a danger than he ever really wanted to admit.
But it would be a wonderful way to die.
