Читать книгу A Forever Family Collection - Коллектив авторов - Страница 31

ABBY bent down and zipped up Reuben’s red raincoat. ‘Ready, honey?’

He shook his blond head and glared at her with his pale blue eyes. ‘Don’t want to go,’ he said stubbornly.

She knew exactly how he felt. She lifted her hand and traced her finger down his cheek. ‘I don’t want to go either, honey, but we have to. We have to find out if you need more special medicine.’

‘I don’t need any special medicine.’ He raised his arms to show her his muscles, hidden under layers of clothes. ‘Look, Mommy, I’m strong, I don’t need any.’

Abby smiled at his bravado. Reuben wasn’t a child who screamed and shouted and had temper tantrums. He liked to argue his case with her. See if he could win her round. But he could never win this argument.

This morning she could see just how pale he was. He had hardly eaten any dinner last night— even though she’d made his favourite—and even though she’d tried to tempt him with an early breakfast this morning, it had been a washout. She could tell right now that he was still tired and he would probably fall asleep in the car on the way to San Francisco.

She put her hands around him and pulled him up into her arms. ‘I know you’re strong, Reuben. I think you’re the strongest boy in the world. And do you know what? When we finish up at the hospital today, I’m going to take you to the big toy shop and you can pick another wrestler for your ring. How’s that?’

‘How many?’ The immediate distraction worked. Four-year-olds knew exactly where their priorities lay.

Abby wrinkled her nose as she lifted her bag and pulled the front door open. ‘Maybe one, no… maybe two, or…if you’re extra good,’ she whispered in his ear, ‘maybe three!’

‘Whoopee!’ Reuben flung his hands in the air and laughed. ‘Three new wrestlers!’

She caught a glimpse of a shape. A dark figure on her front steps that leapt to his feet as they came through the door. She stopped short. Luke.

‘What are you doing here?’

He hadn’t stayed there last night and she’d no idea where he’d been. How long had he been sitting there?

‘Waiting for you.’

‘Hi, Luke. Mommy’s going to buy me some new wrestlers today. Wanna come?’

Abby glanced at her watch. She had plenty of time to spare, but she didn’t want to spend it on this. ‘I can’t deal with you today, Luke.’ She pushed past him towards her car, pressing the button to open the doors.

His hand closed over hers, releasing the key from her grasp. ‘I’m not here to fight with you, but I am coming with you. Let me drive.’

‘In that?’ She pointed towards her Mini, her eyes running up and down his tall frame. ‘You won’t even fit.’

He eyed the car carefully and gave a slow nod. ‘I’ll get in there if I have to bend myself double.’ He pulled open the nearest door. ‘Why don’t you sit in the back with Reuben? Let me take the stress of the drive. San Francisco can be pretty hairy at this time of day.’

She bit her lip. She hated driving to San Francisco. She hated driving full stop. That was part of the reason she loved Pelican Cove so much, she hardly had to use her car at all.

He lowered his voice. ‘I’m not going to let you go alone, Abby. I’m not going to let you go through this yourself today. You don’t have to. I want to be here. Let me help you.’ His eyes were fixed on hers with an air of determination she’d never seen before. She could spend the next hour arguing with him and still wouldn’t win, and somehow she didn’t want to. She really didn’t want to spend the day alone in the hospital, waiting to hear the news that she dreaded.

‘C’mon, Mommy. Let’s go get the wrestlers.’ Reuben shifted in her arms, causing her to snap to attention.

‘Will we let Luke come with us?’ she asked him.

‘Is he going to buy me a wrestler too?’

She laughed. Life was so simple when you were four years old. ‘Okay, then, you can come.’ She held Luke’s gaze for a second. ‘But don’t make this any harder for me.’

‘I won’t, I promise.’ He nodded solemnly before she finally turned and loaded Reuben into the car seat, strapping him in place before joining him in the back seat. Luke folded himself into her tiny car, pushing the seat back against her legs, before starting the engine and heading down the cliff-side road towards the city.

Within ten minutes Reuben was sleeping—just like she’d predicted. Another sign. That was three this morning. He was pale, tired and he’d lost his appetite. None of this was good.

Things weren’t meant to work out like this. She’d been so hopeful. After all, the majority of kids with ALL now had good outcomes. Was she going to have one of the unfortunate few?

He was in his third phase of treatment. He’d had the awful induction therapy to kill all the affected cells, then he’d had his consolidation therapy to kill any remaining cells that could grow again and cause a relapse. Now he was in the maintenance phase. Maintenance that for Reuben obviously hadn’t worked. She was going to have to go through all this again. Weeks of sickness, weeks of avoiding infection, weeks of a little boy who was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. Weeks of finding him something, anything, that he might be able to stomach and keep down. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d bundled him up in the car and left the house in the dead of night in search of some type of popsicle or chocolate bar that he’d decided he could eat.

She turned and looked out of the window as the perfect ocean views of Pelican Cove drifted past. The crashing waves, rugged coastline and lush green hills. She’d wanted the perfect life here. She’d wanted to bring her child up here—but was this the place her child could die?

The thought sent an involuntary shudder down her spine and she could feel the rise of bile in the back of her throat. Where did these thoughts come from? How did they get inside her mind? Inside her dreams? Last night had been a repeat of the little white coffin, being lowered into the ground. But last night’s dream had changed. This time Luke had been standing next to her, his arms wrapped around her shoulders.

Was it a prediction? Was she seeing the future? Because this wasn’t the future she wanted. She couldn’t even contemplate a future like that.

Another thought played across her mind. If something happened to Reuben, would she even want to be here any more? Their lives were so entrenched, so intermingled, she couldn’t imagine living without him. Someone had once told her that parents shouldn’t outlive their children. She hadn’t understood the significance of the words at the time. But now she did. She wouldn’t want to be here without him. She couldn’t be here without him. How could she stay in her aunt’s house without every thought being of him? It was a happy home and should be filled with a happy family.

If she didn’t have her son, what was there to live for? Having Luke here wasn’t enough, no matter how much she loved him. She needed them both. She needed a whole family, a complete family, because, truth be told, right now she was terrified and she didn’t think she could go through all this again on her own.

Her breath caught in her throat. What was happening to her? Was she losing her mind? She’d never had thoughts like this in her life. She had to focus. She had to concentrate. She had to get through today.

Luke pulled into the car park and breathed an audible sigh of relief. Ninety minutes of almost complete silence. Not a word, just the easy-listening tunes on the radio as background noise.

He opened the door and stepped out, hearing the loud crick in his neck as he arched his back and stretched his cramped legs. He opened the back door, unclipped Reuben and lifted him out. The little boy didn’t even wake up, just snuggled into the nape of his neck. And this time Luke didn’t pull away. This felt natural.

Abby stepped out the other side, her eyes fixed on the large metropolitan building in front of them.

‘Okay?’ he asked. She nodded and walked back around the car, her hand reaching up and stroking Reuben’s sleeping head.

There was something strange about being in a hospital where nobody knew who you were—you were just another face in the crowd. None of the usual nods of recognition or waves or greetings that usually happened. No one searching for you to consult on a patient or provide medical expertise.

It was strangely disconcerting. Luke rarely told people outside the workplace that he was a doctor—a safeguard mechanism against them listing all their medical complaints for him. But this time he wanted people to know. He wanted them to know he was a doctor, he understood the language, the jargon and to appreciate the knowledge and skills he must have.

He smiled to himself. Was this what happened? Was this the type of feelings that swamped you when you wanted to be an advocate for your child?

Abby was obviously familiar with the place. She wove through the endless white corridors until they reached a set of lifts. Luke moved inside and waited while she pressed the button. The lift moved upwards silently. The doors swooshed open.

And then it hit him. Like an assault. That smell. The smell that could only be associated with this type of ward. Paediatric oncology.

It assaulted his senses in a way he’d never expected, bringing with it an onslaught of unexpected memories. Tests, procedures, medications, dressings. And waiting. Endless and endless waiting.

He must have flinched. ‘Luke?’ Abby’s face was wary. She pressed the button to stop the lift doors sliding shut again. ‘Are you getting out?’ she said pointedly.

He nodded and quickly stepped out of the lift and into the ward. They walked down the corridor, passing open doors showing kids of all ages, sleeping, playing, crying, eating, all at various stages of disease and recovery. For Luke, he’d just stepped back in time. His fingers tightened around Reuben’s sleeping form. He didn’t want to let him go.

The brightly coloured murals on the walls passed by in a flash. A woman in a bright pink tunic walked over and kissed Abby on the cheek. ‘Hi, Abby, how’s he doing?’ She walked around to Luke’s shoulder and smiled at the sleeping boy. She held out her arms. ‘How about I take him while you go in and speak to Jonas?’

Abby nodded at Luke and he reluctantly handed over the sleeping bundle. A sandy-haired man opened the door to the office in front of them. ‘Hi, Abby, I thought I heard Toni’s voice. Come on in.’

His eyes fell on Luke as he held the office door open for them both.

Abby sat down in one of the nearby chairs. ‘Jonas, this is Dr Luke Storm, he’s a…family friend.’

Jonas’s eyes narrowed slightly at her hesitation before he extended his hand towards Luke’s and shook it firmly.

‘Pleased to meet you, Luke. Jonas Bridges. I’m glad that Abby has someone here to support her.’

He sat down at his desk and pushed some forms across the desk towards Abby. Reuben’s blood test results. Did that seem cold? Luke wasn’t sure. But Abby had obviously been seeing this doctor regarding Reuben’s care for a long time. Maybe it was just the professional mutual respect of them both being doctors that led him to be so straight-forward?

Luke leaned across the desk and peered at the result. It was just as they feared. Not good.

‘What kind of doctor are you, Luke? Is this your field?’ Jonas was obviously trying to feel his way, to see how much explaining he would need to do.

Luke shook his head. ‘No, this isn’t my field. I’m a cardiologist. But…’ he glanced back at Abby, whose eyes were still fixed on the blood results ‘…I’ve probably got a better understanding of these than most people. My brother had ALL fifteen years ago.’

Jonas nodded slowly, obviously digesting the information. His steady gaze held Luke’s. ‘And now?’

Luke gave an imperceptible shake of his head.

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ His hands reached across the desk and clasped Abby’s. ‘You know what I’m going to tell you next. We need to do another bone-marrow aspiration today. I know that you’ve probably prepared Reuben for that, but I want to take some time to speak to him myself before we do the procedure. Is that okay with you?’

She gave a weak smile. ‘I thought you might.’

‘I’ll be honest with you, Abby, and I think you know what we will find. Depending on what the bone-marrow aspiration shows, it’s likely we’re going to have to look at another round of treatment for Reuben.’

‘What kind?’ Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper.

Jonas’s voice was steady and calm. ‘We’ll discuss the options. We might go for another round of chemotherapy, we might look at chemotherapy with stem-cell transplant, I might also recommend that Reuben takes part in one of our specialised clinical trials.’

Luke was nodding slowly. Dr Bridges was laying out the options so that nothing would be a surprise for her. Just like any reliable physician should. Just as he would. He could see that from a professional perspective. But this didn’t feel like his normal professional consultations. All of Luke’s emotions were heightened. This was Reuben they were talking about. But they might as well have been talking about Ryan—because this felt personal.

Jonas pushed a consent form in front of Abby with Reuben’s name and the procedure listed on it. ‘I know you’re a doctor, Abby, but today you’re a parent—like any other. Do you want me to talk you through this again?’

She shook her head silently and scribbled her name on the consent form.

‘I take it you haven’t given him breakfast this morning Abby?’

She shook her head again. The words just wouldn’t come to her lips right now. She’d already fasted him, knowing the strong likelihood of the procedure taking place. ‘I woke him extra-early and planned to give him something light, but he wasn’t hungry. He couldn’t eat.’

Jonas took one last look over his notes. ‘It will only be a really light anaesthetic, Abby—just like last time. And you’ll be able to take him home in a few hours as long as his pain is under control. Do you want to come in with him again?’

Abby nodded then stood up, pushing her chair backwards. ‘Do you want to speak to Reuben first, then?’

Jonas nodded. ‘Give me a few minutes then come into the room. Toni, the nurse, has everything set up for us.’

Abby folded her arms across her chest and moved sideways to let Jonas past. She didn’t speak. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t even turn to face him.

Luke stood up and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Her head naturally leaned against him. ‘He hates this part,’ she whispered.

So did Luke. He’d been with Ryan four times when he’d had a bone-marrow aspiration done. It wasn’t a pleasant experience for a teenager, let alone for a child. ‘He’s a good kid, Abby, he’ll get through this.’

‘But will I?’ The question hung in the air between them.

Had she meant to say that out loud? Was that just another random thought that was circulating around her brain? Luke wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

He felt his shoulders tense, a ripple of fear dancing along the edge of his stomach. Memories of his own mother’s actions. What had happened to steadfast Abby?

This was hard. This was difficult. But she was Reuben’s mom. Of course she would get through this—no matter how hard it was.

The door creaked and Toni appeared at their side. ‘Do you want to come through? Jonas has spoken to Reuben and he’s a little upset about the test.’

Abby nodded swiftly and turned, striding out the door. Just as she should. So what had happened a few seconds ago?

Abby couldn’t think straight. She was a doctor. She was used to these things. She’d had to have numerous conversations like this with parents over the years. She hadn’t even needed to see the blood results—because she’d known what they would show.

But somehow it made it all worse. They were real. Her son’s leukaemia was back. The maintenance phase was over—it hadn’t worked. And in the cold, hard light of day, having the figures in front of her in black and white just…sucked.

A word she hadn’t used since she was a teenager. But right now it was the only way to describe how she felt.

She didn’t want to think of any of the other descriptive words. Terrified. Shocked. Traumatised.

She took a deep breath and walked into the treatment room.

‘Mommy!’

Reuben was sitting on the edge of the examination couch, his arms extended towards her. She walked over and enveloped him in a bear hug. His eyes were watery. ‘I need the big needle again, Mommy,’ he whispered in her ear.

She knelt down before him. ‘I know, honey. But Mommy will stay with you and Dr Jonas will have it all over in a flash. Just think about those lovely wrestlers you want to pick later today.’

Toni came in with a brightly coloured robe in her hands. ‘I brought you your favourite one, Reuben—with the monkeys on it.’ She turned to face Abby. ‘Do you want to get him changed or shall I?’

Abby lifted the robe from her hands. ‘I’ll do it. Do you know if they will be long?’

Toni shook her head. ‘Less than ten minutes. Jonas is away to scrub and the anaesthetist will be through in a couple of minutes. I’ve brought some scrubs for you and your…friend,’ her eyes ran up and down the length of Luke. ‘Do you both want to be here?’

She turned and gave Luke a smile. ‘We try to make this as informal as possible. Parents are encouraged to stay with their children throughout, so they can better understand the procedure. And the anaesthetic is very light, just knocks them out for fifteen minutes or so.’

Luke smiled and took the scrubs from her hands. Toni hadn’t been in the consulting room. She’d no idea he knew this stuff like the back of his hand. And she still hadn’t asked about his relationship to Reuben. Was she making an assumption because of their looks?

‘We’re both staying,’ he said decidedly.

Toni gave a nod and left them both to change. Abby ducked into the nearby washroom and came out with her hair tied back from her face and the pale blue scrubs on.

‘Go and get ready,’ she said quietly as she bent over Reuben and started dispensing with his jeans.

Luke came out in time to meet the anaesthetist and listen to her laugh and joke with Reuben as she explained about the little mask she’d use to make him sleepy. Luke wondered how it must feel to have to do this every day. To have to look after sick children and their parents.

Jonas Bridges appeared back in the room, scrubbed and ready to start. He gave a little nod to the anaesthetist, who lifted the mask above Reuben’s face. Seconds later, his hand still ensconced in Abby’s, Reuben was fast asleep.

The staff moved seamlessly and like clockwork. Reuben was turned on his side, positioned so the posterior iliac spine of the pelvic bone was revealed. A few sweeps with antiseptic and they were ready.

Abby swallowed the enormous lump that had appeared in her throat. Reuben was sleeping and she watched as Jonas injected some lidocaine into the area around the site to help with Reuben’s pain control later.

His gloved hands removed the needle from its protective covering and prodded Reuben’s skin to determine where to insert it.

She felt something wash over her. The same feeling that had swept over her in that room in Pelican Cove when the First Lady had had her baby. Like a warm summer heat enveloping her skin. But it wasn’t comforting. It was restricting. It was clawing at her throat and her lungs. She gave a little cough as she tried to pull in some air.

But it wasn’t working. The nausea from earlier returned with a vengeance. Gripping at her stomach muscles, making her retch. She lifted her hand to her mouth. Luke’s eyes turned to her, narrowing instantly.

The room was closing in on her. How could anyone breathe in here? There was no air. It was suffocating. Tingling sensations started in the palms of her hands and crept up her arms towards her chest. Her heart was racing, liked a trapped butterfly beating frantically inside her chest.

Her eyes darted around the room. Why was everyone else okay? Didn’t they feel it too? Were the anaesthetic gases leaking?

The voices inside her head started playing automatically. Calm down. Calm down.

But she couldn’t. She was going to die in here. Her skin was covered in sweat, she could feel rivulets running down her spine and catching in the waistband of her scrubs.

Her eyes fixed on Reuben lying on the examination couch. His short white-blond hair and pale skin. Such an angel. Reuben looked like an angel.

Angel. Death.

She had to get out of here. She couldn’t be in here. Whatever it was, it was going to kill her. She dropped Reuben’s hand from hers and pulled back from the side of the couch. Try as she might, she couldn’t get a breath. She couldn’t fill her lungs with air. Her head swam. She was dizzy. She was going to be sick.

Luke placed his strong arm on hers. His voice full of concern. ‘Abby?’

It didn’t sound right. His voice sounded distorted, as if it belonged to someone else. She tried to take a step backwards and staggered, reaching out behind her to grab hold of the wall.

‘I have to go,’ she muttered as she stumbled towards the door.

‘Wait a minute, Abby. What’s wrong?’ Luke’s arms gripped her shoulders, his face directly in front of hers. But it was swimming. It wasn’t staying in one place. And he was right in front of her, stealing the air that she so desperately needed to breathe. She pushed him with all her might, sending him backwards towards Reuben.

She grasped at her throat as she pulled at the doorhandle. What was happening to her?

The last thing she saw was Luke’s eyes, looking at her with pure venom as she wrenched open the door and headed for the clean, fresh air.