Читать книгу Sincerely About Us. Искренне о нас - Лана Лайт - Страница 10

What a yummy-looking apple! I exclaimed to myself as I was browsing through a grocery store to buy some food for our 30-hour train ride back home. Little did I know at that moment that the fruit would play a pivotal role in the future events of my life. But I’m getting ahead of myself so let’s rewind to about a week before.

In late October of that year, I was extremely excited about two things. One was going on a school trip to the cultural capital of our country with my friends and schoolmates (supervised and accompanied by two awesome teachers, of course). And the other was getting Aguilera’s brand new album, which promised to be more sincere and provocative than her first one. I couldn’t wait for both of these things to happen. So, as soon as I spotted the album in a music store, I purchased it and spent my days and nights listening to it on my Walkman (yes, it was THAT long ago: I had a portable CD player with wired earphones but no mobile phone yet, LOL). And a couple of days later, we boarded the train, marking the beginning of the best journey of our high school years.

Although our group was quite small – just under 20 people – I didn’t know everyone at first, because about a third of us were boys from a class we hardly ever crossed paths with in the school halls before, or after. However, the train ride was quite long, so we soon learned everyone’s names. Despite this, we still stuck to our usual circle of friends, laughing hysterically, cracking joke after joke, and enjoying the time away from our parents.=) Juice and chocolate were basically all we sustained ourselves on; I have no idea how or why nobody ended up with the most severe stomach ache.

We arrived safely in the city and checked into the student dormitory. When we weren’t going on the pre-arranged tours, which were delightful and interesting, we explored the nearby streets, bridges, shops, and cathedrals on our own, while enjoying juice and soda, eating chocolate, laughing, talking, taking photos, and listening to music. I loved the Stripped album so much that it was playing on my CD player non-stop, and when it wasn’t, the melodies and lyrics kept playing in my head. One song caught my attention more than the others. I had to look up the translation of its title because it was a completely new word for me. When I understood its meaning, the lyrics made so much more sense and even brought a new level of appreciation for the song. But not only that. I felt like the song was written for me and about me (as all teenage girls do, apparently=)), because this curiosity and attraction had truly taken me by surprise, and I was being carried away by this new, unfamiliar thing that suddenly had a name, “infatuation”.

You immediately stood out to me among your classmates. Your skin wasn’t as deeply cinnamon-colored as Aguilera puts it in the song, but you were definitely not as pale as the rest of us. And your brown eyes, paired with your gorgeous kind smile, truly hypnotized me every time they met mine in the dormitory halls. We were clearly aware of each other, but we never really spoke, and I envied your friends who interacted and laughed with you so freely. Besides, it was all quite foreign to me: I could hardly keep my cool when you were around, while simultaneously falling apart on the inside, and I was actually breathless a couple of times when I saw your eyes light up after noticing me. But you never made it any easier for me: you simply passed by, smiling as broadly and openly as only you could.

So, when I had lost almost all hope because by the time we got on the train to go back home, we had only exchanged a few Hellos, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I passed your compartment with the freshly-washed apple in my hands and saw you reading by yourself, with all your friends mysteriously gone. I’m not sure what came over my normally timid self at that moment, but I stepped in and asked if you wanted me to share the apple with you. Getting an enthusiastic “Sure, yeah!” from you, I lost all the fear and dared sit down next to you. I’m smiling now because, surprisingly, talking with you turned out to be very easy and enjoyable. The apple, that we had cut in half, was really big and crunchy, which gave me a valid excuse to stay and chat longer. Sitting so close to you, I immediately noticed a faded weird-looking scar on your left hand. When I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, “It looks as if you ironed your hand” and you replied in a nonchalant but slightly shocked manner, “I did, actually, when I was about three or four”, I think we both knew right away that we had just bonded in a way that neither of us could have predicted or explained.

Shortly after we came back home from our trip, you invited me to your birthday party. I was over the moon with happiness. The party was loud and crowded, but I only noticed it when you briefly left my side. For the most part, I felt pretty comfortable. My heart beat like crazy whenever you held my hand and pulled me close. When I buried my face in your shoulder, unable to speak, you always found the right words to make those awkward moments more bearable and with time even enjoyable.

School suddenly turned into a game of Us VS the Schedule with us trying to meet each other whenever and wherever possible, even though we spent most of the time in different buildings. I was walking on air, singing to myself, easily coping with the most challenging tasks and tests, always smiling and feeling warm inside; it was truly the greatest winter of my school life.

One day, you promised to meet me after classes. It made me really happy since it didn’t happen too often. As we walked toward the bus stop, you said you didn’t want to give me false hopes anymore because you believed I was too good for you… It was surprising, considering you were never a typical “bad boy”; quite the contrary, you were very kind and had gentle and suave manners that were quite exceptional for our age. I guess the look of disbelief and total confusion on my face made you take my bus and ride with me for a while to make sure I was okay. You asked me over and over if I was going to get home on my own, and when I actually spoke instead of just nodding, you said casually, “See you at school!” and got off.

I don’t really remember the rest of my journey home but I remember clearly walking up the stairs to my apartment, realizing that it hadn’t been a dream and that we were really done. In that moment I had to pause on a step because this thought hit me right in the heart. The pain was tangible, as if some string had abruptly snapped in it. That’s how I learned what it feels like to be heartbroken… I’m glad it first happened the way it did, though. Even if the reason might not have been entirely what you told me, you were tactful and discerning enough to have mercy on me and choose the words you did, so that my self-esteem wouldn’t wobble and fall apart.

That final spring stretch of the year was pure torture. Noticing you in the halls and not being able to come up to you, hug you, and talk made me lose my sleep, appetite, and cheerfulness. At some point, seeing how bad I was, you lent me your watch, which was huge and too loose on my wrist but which I still loved, on the condition that when I gave it back, I would consider it was really over between us and move on. I wore it every day and felt better. Indeed, when you asked for it back after a while, I returned it with a heavy heart but I was more prepared to accept that we were no longer together.

By the end of the school year, I had resolved to have as much fun with my friends at the graduation party as possible. We all dressed up and had our hair done really beautifully for the prom, where we took lots of photos and danced the night away. However, the single best part of the evening, etched into my memory as one of the brightest and purest moments of joy in this lifetime, was when I suddenly felt your strong arms envelop me on the dance floor. It was so sweet and intense that my whole body still remembered the warmth of being in your arms and dancing together a good few years later. Truly, it is the best gift I have ever received from you.

The rest of the summer, with its university entrance exams, was incredibly stressful and busy. In other words, I had no time or emotional energy to think of anything other than starting this new chapter of my life. However, a few months later, I got my first ever mobile phone, which had the numbers of my parents and a few friends, but it was missing… yours. By hook or by crook, I managed to get hold of it and had to gather all my courage to text you. To my surprise, you were pleased to hear from me, and I was overjoyed! Word after word, walk after walk around the university campus, everything felt both familiar and fresh. Once again, I became completely helpless in my growing infatuation, and I simply couldn’t stop what I had started.

Back then, I was bitter and confused about our relationship not developing into something bigger and better, about it breaking off where others only get going. But when I came to think of it more, I found it perfect: we both got what we needed to move forward without any fears or anxiety, knowing the best of each other and leaving out the worst.

You have always been genuinely happy to see me and hugged me like the dearest of friends; and I’ve always mirrored it back. You often invited me to house parties (both yours and your friends’=)), took me to dance clubs and for long night rides in your car, and even shared a huge bucket of ice cream with me once when I was at my lowest. You were considerate and protective of me, and I appreciate it enormously. Over the years, I have often had basically the same dream with slight alterations in the setting: I come to a crowded event, where I know absolutely no one, and almost start panicking, but suddenly I see your brown eyes smiling at me in the middle of that human ocean, we hug each other, and everything becomes right with the world. Thank you for that and for everything we have shared in real life. It’s so easy and enjoyable to think of you; I always do it with a smile on my face – and in my soul. There was almost nothing complicated about the time I knew you and spent with you. It’s something I’m going to keep safe in my memory forever.