Читать книгу Sincerely About Us. Искренне о нас - Лана Лайт - Страница 13

How can I even begin to describe what turned out to become the warmest and most magical evening in the middle of a full-blown snowy winter? And we didn’t even make any conscious effort for it to happen.

It was quietly snowing that early evening in January. The city was dark, of course, but at the same time it was shimmering with the light of street lamps, shop signs, fairy lights hanging everywhere, sparkling fluffy snowflakes in the air, and the smiles and holiday spirit reflected in the eyes of everyone who passed me by.

Even though I was quite jittery coming to meet you, it all vanished the moment our eyes locked on each other and we immediately started walking and laughing, as if we had long been good friends. Our laughter came naturally, helping us overcome our initial nervousness.

We hadn’t planned to do anything specific on our first date that winter night, and we didn’t. We simply drank coffee, a lot of coffee actually, as neither of us wanted to leave that cozy café or the evening to end. We talked and laughed non-stop, gazing into each other’s eyes (yours were – and still are – stunningly blue), not quite realizing that the bond between us was growing stronger with each passing minute and each smile we shared. What we both did feel, though, was the out-of-this-world magic unfolding around us. You were good-natured, lovely, and humorous, and we clicked instantly. Honestly, I never fail to smile dreamily, reminiscing about those first few hours together, because they marked the beginning of the warmest winter and spring in my life.

Laughter, music, tea, walks, hugs, tenderness, and breakfasts. Your friends and your cool mom, who never entered your room without knocking, even though there was no lock on the door. Lunches we shared when I met you for a break from work downtown. Boundless joy, serenity, and the feeling of being at home. Photographs, butterflies in my tummy, the time we whiled away together, and the miracle of love between and all around us… I’m grateful to you for all of that and so much more.

I don’t remember ever feeling cold next to you, whether we were walking along the city streets or cuddling while waiting for a bus in freezing winter temperatures, or lying in bed. I felt cozy and snug all the time.

Once, a few days into this magical journey, you suggested that I listen to a song by Depeche Mode. I’m so happy you chose “Home”, which is performed (and written) by Martin Gore instead of Dave Gahan, whose voice is much rougher and lower. This allowed me to have the gentlest possible introduction to their music. The lyrics of this song perfectly reflected my thoughts and feelings about the time we were together:

And I thank you

For bringing me here

For showing me home

For singing these tears

Finally, I’ve found

That I belong here.

Feels like home,

I should have known

From my first breath.

Martin Gore’s voice here is so hauntingly beautiful that it effortlessly takes me back to moments with you whenever I hear this song. I truly felt at home in your arms, it was where I belonged. And to paraphrase another amazing song by Depeche Mode, something beautiful was happening inside for me, and even though eventually I lost myself in you, in us, that’s also how I found myself. Inside this heaven of ours, I was hypnotized and content, I felt whole and believed that everything was right with the world.

One more anthem of that time for me was, of course, “Enjoy the Silence” (performed by Depeche Mode and written by Martin Gore as well), with these particular lyrics standing out:

Feelings are intense

Words are trivial

… Pleasures remain

So does the pain

Words are meaningless

and forgettable

All I ever wanted

All I ever needed

is here, in my arms

Words are very unnecessary

They can only do harm.

My favorite part was definitely cuddling with you. I could never find the right words to express what exactly I was feeling in those moments, until I stumbled upon this quote, reflecting my feelings and sensations in the most wonderful and accurate way. Here’s its loose translation: “If two lovers sleep or simply lie down holding each other tightly, they become tattoos on – and even under – each other’s skin. Forever.” Indeed, even though we went out a lot, hung out with your friends, watched movies, and listened to music together, all this “doing” paled in significance compared to just how magical and otherworldly being physically next to you felt.

I remember often sitting at my desk or on my sofa, without thinking about anything in particular, just staring off into space, while actually being completely consumed by my intense feelings and emotions. During those few months, it felt like I was floating instead of walking on solid ground. Every night, I went to bed not really wanting to fall asleep, because I knew I would temporarily stop feeling this love, something I never ever wanted to happen (how ironic). However, as soon as I opened my eyes each morning, the very first thing I always became aware of was this enormous love inside me, mixed with joy, airiness, and fullness of life.

I realize now, many years later, that the true reason why I wanted to be close to you all the time was not a lack of self-sufficiency at all (as a friend of yours insightfully pointed out to me once, leaving a harsh long-lasting impression on me), but my subconscious wish to share this all-encompassing feeling of mine with you, to let you sense how deep my feelings ran, to shower you with them, because I was overflowing. Even though I was attracted to and loved other people in my life, with them I felt either safe, calm, adventurous, curious, joyful, or authentically me (the second best feeling, by the way), but NEVER SO overwhelmingly in love, elated, and airy. My soul was blooming. That time with you was my personal bubble of intense genuine happiness, which I hadn’t experienced before and didn’t experience long afterwards. The electricity that ran between us did leave us with unremovable tattoos under each other’s skin, and the bliss I lived in marked me for a lifetime. I will always know as I knew then that “loving you was the happiest I’ve ever been.” (Thank you, Shawn Mendes, for this lyric in “When You’re Gone”.)

We are bound by a thousand songs.

We are bound by delight.

We are bound by my broken heart.

We are bound by the city streets.

We are bound by the falling snow.

We are bound by a fleeting spring.

We are bound by the sweetness of our kisses.

We are bound by our first “Hi!”.

We are bound by my tears.

We are bound by the invisible threads woven together lifetimes ago.

No matter how hard I tried to break those ties of ours…