Читать книгу Christmas Secrets Collection - Laura Iding - Страница 33

ALYSSA stared at Jadon, trying to comprehend what he was saying. Half-asleep, she was certain the neurons in her brain weren’t working properly.

Because she could have sworn he’d just told her he had a twin brother.

“I know it’s a shock, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Jadon was saying. “But Jack has a few…emotional problems. Rather serious problems.”

A deep coldness washed over her body, seeping down into her bones. She felt slow and somewhat confused, very much like the day she’d slipped and fallen into Lake Michigan. “A twin,” she repeated carefully. “With emotional problems.”

Jadon’s Adam’s apple bobbed nervously in his neck. “Yes. I can’t lie to you. My parents divorced before Jack and I started high school. The stress of coping with Jack’s illness eroded their marriage.”

Her mouth went dry as she thought of little Grace and Gretchen. Was Jack’s problem hereditary? Was that why he’d kept it a secret? “What illness does he have?” she asked, dreading the answer.

Jadon lifted a hand, his tone pleading. “I know what you’re thinking and there’s no reason to suspect that our daughters will also inherit Jack’s illness. No one in my family, or in my extended family, has the same problems as Jack. No one.”

She wanted to believe him. More than anything, she wanted to believe her daughters would be fine. But he still hadn’t answered her question. Her fingers curled into her fists, her nails digging into her palms, although she was oblivious to the pain. “Jadon, what sort of illness does he have?”

“Paranoid schizophrenia.” At her stunned expression, he rushed on. “Jack’s been getting treatment from a variety of doctors over the years, but this newest doctor, Elizabeth Cranberg, is the area expert in managing this illness. And Jack seemed to like her. But for some reason, like so many other patients with a chronic illness, once he feels better he stops taking his meds. And then he tends to suffer a bad relapse.”

Jiminy Cricket, she never would have suspected Jadon’s brother had paranoid schizophrenia. She swallowed hard, hearing the exhaustion in his tone. She couldn’t even imagine how hard it must be to live with someone with such a debilitating condition.

No wonder Jadon had been so protective of their psych patient Mitch. She understood now why he’d snapped at Susan that night.

He’d lived with someone who was just like Mitch.

“But, Jadon, schizophrenia does tend to run in families,” she said, her stomach tied up in knots. She’d learned that much in her psych class. “I’m worried about our daughters.”

Jadon’s expression was grim. “Normally schizophrenia does run in families. But I researched this extensively the first time I left, and I discovered there are other reasons people come down with a form of schizophrenia. Jack was a wild child when we were young. He got mixed up in a rough crowd during middle school and began experimenting with drugs. That’s when we first noticed his behavior had changed. We put him in treatment several times. Even years later, when his drug screens were finally negative, his behavior was still erratic. I got him in to see Dr. Elizabeth Cranberg and she confirmed that his case didn’t show the classic signs of schizophrenia. She thought it was more likely related to his drug use, especially as there is no family history.”

Had Jadon worried about coming down with the disease, too? Being Jack’s identical twin, he must have thought about the possibility. She couldn’t imagine how he must have felt, watching his twin and wondering if he might be next.

“Is that why you told me you weren’t interested in a long-term relationship when we first met?” she asked.

Jadon momentarily closed his eyes, his expression pained. “Yes. I didn’t tell you the truth from the very beginning because I was embarrassed. Maybe a little ashamed. I’ve had to live with the stigma of mental illness my whole life. My family has struggled for a long time. Jack’s illness ruined my parents’ marriage and then, when my father remarried, his second wife couldn’t cope either. You can see why I’d never planned on making a commitment.”

The truth still had the power to hurt. Obviously if she hadn’t fallen pregnant, they wouldn’t be sitting here, having this conversation.

She felt nauseous. The last thing she’d planned to do was to trap Jadon into something he didn’t want. Something he’d gone to great lengths to avoid.

The same way her mother had inadvertently trapped her father. Who’d left once the novelty of being a parent had worn off. She knew comparing Jadon to her father wasn’t fair—he at least accepted his responsibilities. But she wanted more.

“I always thought you didn’t care about me, as you never once talked about your feelings.”

“I do care about you, Alyssa. Very much. I missed you more than I ever would have imagined. But then Jack needed me and I used him as an excuse to leave. I came back, thinking of getting in touch with you, only to find out you were pregnant.”

“And me being pregnant meant more responsibility for you,” she guessed in a low tone.

“Not just that,” he argued. “Alyssa, I’m trying to protect you, to keep you and our daughters away from the stress of dealing with Jack’s illness.”

After seeing Mitch, she could somewhat understand what he meant. “Are you saying he’s violent?”

“Psych patients are unpredictable. They’re really not violent very often, unless provoked. Jack and I were in an argument once and a former girlfriend of mine got in the middle of it, making things worse, and he shoved her, knocking her right off her feet.” Jadon’s lips thinned. “I didn’t blame her when she broke off our relationship.”

Dear heaven. She could only imagine. Yet she didn’t like his fatalistic attitude. “So where does that leave us?”

He slowly shook his head. “I don’t know. Jack is my responsibility, not yours. I don’t want the same thing that happened to my parents to happen to us.”

She wanted to be glad Jadon had finally opened up about his feelings, admitting he at least cared for her, but her thrill of hope was overshadowed by his news.

Could she really live with the stress he described? On top of having preemie twins? She honestly wasn’t sure.

“I stopped by the hospital on my way home,” he said. “Gretchen looks so much better with her mask off.”

Alyssa nodded, grateful for the change in subject. “Yes, she does. I’m relieved both girls are doing well. If they don’t have any more complications, and continue to gain weight, Dr. Downer thought they’d probably come home by Christmas.”

“The perfect Christmas present,” Jadon said with a smile.

She couldn’t smile back, already thinking of how Jadon would want to go home to see his family for Christmas. Without her and their daughters. Deep down, she could admit that while she’d been determined to be happy raising the girls alone, she’d also secretly wanted a traditional two-parent family. But Jadon wasn’t free to be a part of her family. Not the way she wanted. The magnitude of their problems seemed greater and greater.

“Alyssa, I know I don’t have much to offer you, but I’d still like to take you back to my house.”

Earlier, she’d wanted nothing more than to go back with Jadon. Had been upset that he’d left her again. But now she wanted more than their half relationship.

She wanted it all. She wanted love and commitment.

“I’m sorry, Jadon. But I can’t. Not right now.” Maybe not ever, if he wasn’t willing to try.

He stared at her for a long moment. “Alyssa, you don’t even have a bed to sleep in. At least come back to my place so you can get some rest.”

She shook her head. “I’m fine here, really. And I have my car, too. Please understand, I need time. Time to assimilate what you’ve told me.”

He dropped his head in his hands in apparent defeat. “All right. But please call me. No matter what you need.”

“I will.”

Jadon slowly stood and moved toward the doorway. He stopped, glanced back at her as if he wanted to say something, but then remained silent as he let himself out of her apartment, gently closing the door behind him.

Alyssa stretched out on the sofa, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. A twin brother with emotional disturbances. No wonder Jadon rarely talked about his feelings. He’d probably learned early on to repress his emotions when his brother was acting out. She’d fallen in love with him, but Jadon hadn’t said anything about love. He was certainly a pro at handling responsibility, though.

She and the babies were just more responsibilities for him to deal with.

Jadon drove back to his house, feeling sick again. His idea of keeping his two families separate had seemed like a good compromise, but the anxious expression in Alyssa’s eyes when he’d told her about Jack’s problems convinced him he’d been right all along. The stress would be too much.

Deep down, he knew it was better that he’d come clean with the truth.

He cared about her too much to expose her to the same problems his parents had faced.

And as much as he wanted nothing more than to be with Alyssa, to watch Grace and Gretchen as they grew, he couldn’t renounce his brother.

Jack was his responsibility, too.

Did he have to give up one family to care for the other?

He pulled into his driveway, trudging up to the cold, empty house.

An impossible situation, no matter which way he looked at it.

Jadon didn’t get much sleep. Using his palms to rub the grit from his burning eyes, he staggered to the bathroom, hoping a shower would make a difference in how he felt.

No such luck.

On the way out of the shower, he stopped outside the new nursery, a wave of hopelessness overwhelming him. Would he and Alyssa have to agree to some sort of joint-custody arrangement? He couldn’t imagine she’d do that willingly, and how could he push the issue when the twins were still so small?

He turned away from the smiling ballerinas in the pictures hanging over the two cribs, set against pale pink walls he’d painted late into the middle of the night as a surprise for Alyssa. It hurt to remember how excited he’d been, how he’d agonized over the decor, hoping and praying Alyssa would like what he’d done. For her. For their family.

Talk about being in a state of denial. Fantasizing about having a family with Alyssa had been nothing more than an idealistic dream. How could he have forgotten, even for a moment, the impact of Jack’s illness?

He turned away from the cheerful nursery to head into the kitchen. His appetite had disappeared so he settled for a cup of coffee, sipping out of his mug and staring sightlessly outside. The snow from last night had stopped, and the warmth of the sun had burned away the clouds, glimmering brightly off the newly fallen snow.

If only the sun could warm his heart, too.

As he was scheduled to work nights, he decided to go to the hospital early to visit the girls, figuring he could try to get some sleep later.

The drive to Cedar Bluff Hospital was short and within fifteen minutes he walked into the nursery, not entirely surprised to see Alyssa had already arrived. The rapt expression on her face was so poignantly serene as she rocked back and forth, nursing Grace, it stopped him in his tracks.

His chest tightened painfully, making it difficult to breathe. She’d never looked so beautiful.

So content.

He loved her. The knowledge hit like a truckload of Christmas trees. Good grief, he loved her. Loved Alyssa with all his heart and soul. Had begun to fall in love with her even before he’d had to leave to rescue Jack all those months ago. The idea that he could be intimate with her and yet keep his heart isolated from her was laughable.

She was everything he’d wanted in a wife, a mother for his children.

And in some dark region of his mind he realized the best thing he could do for her, and for Grace and Gretchen, was to provide for them financially while keeping them far away from the impact of his messed-up family.

Which meant keeping them distant from himself, too.

Alyssa felt Jadon’s gaze and glanced up from where Grace was successfully nursing to look at him.

The admiration in his heated glance made her mouth go dry. For a moment they stared at each other, but then he broke the connection, looking away, and the expression was gone.

Had she imagined it? She didn’t think so.

She swallowed hard and glanced back down at Grace, confused all over again. She’d pretty much made up her mind to accept losing Jadon and the family she’d always wanted.

But now she wasn’t so sure.

“Gracie is nursing better, isn’t she?” Jadon asked in a low voice, as if to not disturb the baby.

She nodded. “Gretchen still doesn’t nurse very much, but Grace is becoming a pro. She doesn’t nurse for long, but as long as she’s gaining weight, I’m happy.”

“Has she?” Jadon stepped closer. “Gained weight, I mean.”

“Yes, two full ounces.” She never would have realized just how important the smallest accomplishment was for a preemie. But gaining two ounces was a very big deal.

Gretchen hadn’t gained weight—in fact, she’d lost another ounce, probably a result of her time wearing the CPAP mask and battling pneumonia.

Although the mask was off, Alyssa knew Gretchen wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. The tiny twin wasn’t nearly as strong as Grace.

“Wonderful. And Gretchen?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No, down another ounce.”

For a long moment Jadon stared down into Gretchen’s isolette. The baby was getting a tube feeding, so they couldn’t hold her until the feeding was finished.

“Jack is older than me by about two and a half minutes,” Jadon mused. “But he was much larger than I was, almost a full pound. The doctor said that sometimes one twin can actually steal nourishment from the second twin, especially in cases where the twins are identical, sharing one placenta.”

“Really?” She hadn’t known that. Good thing Grace and Gretchen hadn’t been that far apart in weight, although they were also fraternal and not identical twins. “How big were you?”

“Only two and a half pounds,” Jadon said. “My mother said I was in the neonatal ICU for a full week longer than Jack. And because I was so small, and needed so much more care, both she and my dad focused all their attention on me.”

She began to see where Jadon’s bout of reminiscing was going. “Do you think that’s why Jack went a little wild when he was older? Because he was always competing for your parents’ attention?”

Jadon tucked his hands in his pockets and lifted a shoulder. “I imagine that could be one theory. Despite my small size, and being delayed as a baby, doing all the normal milestones of sitting, crawling, walking and so on, I always did well in school.”

“Better than Jack?” she guessed.

He nodded. “Yeah. It wasn’t that Jack wasn’t smart, but he certainly didn’t try as hard.”

“So you feel guilty? Like it was your fault your parents paid too much attention to you and not enough to Jack?” she asked, already suspecting the answer.

“Isn’t it?” he countered. “Not that I did it on purpose, obviously, but it’s something I always wonder about. Let’s face it, if I had been the older twin, and Jack the younger, smaller twin, don’t you think it’s possible our lives would have been different?”

She swallowed hard, hating to admit he might have a point. No wonder he’d been so adamant that she pay attention to Grace, too, during Gretchen’s illness. Even now, despite his reassurances otherwise, he was worried that history might repeat itself with Grace and Gretchen.

Glancing down at Grace, who’d fallen asleep, Alyssa traced the tip of her index finger over her daughter’s dainty features, and vowed not to let that happen.

“At least now that we know, we won’t make the same mistake as parents,” she said slowly.

Jadon didn’t answer as she stood and placed the sleeping Grace back into her isolette.

“I know you said you needed time,” Jadon said in a low voice. “But I want you to know the offer of staying with me, at least for a while, is still open. I’m concerned about your ability to manage caring for the twins without help.”

Alyssa wavered. He was being the responsible one again. Jadon had opened up about himself, more than he ever had. Which offered some hope. Yet she knew, once she took that step of going home with him, it would be very hard to go back.

Should she fight for her love? Or would that be a constant uphill battle? And was she strong enough to handle the impact of Jack’s illness on top of caring for Grace and Gretchen?

“At least think about it,” Jadon advised. “I’m working night shift tonight and tomorrow night, so it’s not as if I’ll be there much.”

Reassuring her he wouldn’t be there much didn’t sound promising. Were they back to being parents in name only? Ironic that she’d already come to feel as if his house was a home.

Their home.

She missed Jadon. And she missed her lopsided Charlie Brown Christmas tree. She needed to take a chance, to see if she could somehow bridge the gap between them.

“All right,” she agreed. “But only as a trial to see how well I can manage with the girls.”