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Why Not a Jerk Patrol?

New York City has formed what I presume to be the first bigot patrol in the long history of law enforcement in this country.

The move, announced last week, was instigated after outbreaks of racial violence in the city, “just like down South,” as Mayor Ed Koch put it.

Before racial incidents occurred in such places as New York’s Howard Beach, Mayor Koch thought bias and prejudice ended just south of Baltimore someplace.

According to reports I read, New York’s bigot patrol will work like this:

Cops in plainclothes or disguise will go into neighborhoods with a history of racial disturbances and act as bait for bigots or, bigot-bait, whichever you prefer.

Black decoys will work Howard Beach, for instance, to deal with anyone manifesting racist tendencies.

Assistant Chief John Holmes, commander of the new unit, explained it all this way:

“We want to say to bigots: the next time you set upon somebody in the streets, he is liable to be a police officer and you are liable to be under arrest.”

I hope Archie Bunker has heard about all this.

But why not a bigot patrol? We tried legislation and education as a means of ending prejudice and that hasn’t worked. Perhaps a little police muscle will do the trick.

And if the bigot patrol is successful, think of the other social misfits we could round up and haul off in a paddy wagon.

For example, we could have an ugly patrol.

“I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to come with me downtown.”

“But what’s the charge, Officer?”

“You’re in violation of the city’s ugly ordinance. Nobody with a big nose, ears that poke out, or, in your case, is cross-eyed, can be on the streets before dark.”

I’d like to see a cliché patrol, too. If there’s anything I can’t stand it’s people who use clichés.

Anybody who says, “Have a nice one,” “Hot enough for you?,” “So how’s the wife?,” or “You know” more than five times in any sentence could cool their heels in the slammer for a few days.

I’d get people off the streets whose clothes don’t match, too.

“Spread ‘em, Sucker,” a member of the GQ patrol might say, “that tie does not go with that jacket you’re wearing. It’s vermin like you that give civilization a bad name.”

Maybe we could also have a jerk patrol. Think how much better life would be if we didn’t have to put up with people who do jerky, annoying things like drive forty in the passing lane, talk loudly in a movie theater, or throw their gum on the sidewalk for some innocent, law-abiding citizen to step on.

People who sneeze as they sit on the stool next to you while you’re eating a bowl of soup in a diner, who bring large cassette players onto public conveyances and play music to have a nervous breakdown by, who play slowly on a golf course, who get into the express lane at grocery stores with more than twelve items, who don’t put their hand over their heart when the national anthem is being played, who don’t use deodorant, have a bad case of dandruff and idiotic ideas you don’t agree with.

I don’t know why somebody didn’t think of using the police to get rid of all our social warts and blemishes before. It’s worked in other countries—so why not here?

As Mayor Koch says, “Up against the wall, you redneck mother.”