Читать книгу Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night - Lewis Grizzard - Страница 9

Making America a Kinder, Gentler Nation

George Bush has asked for a kinder, gentler America, and I want to do my part in 1989.

Understand that I am usually a kind and gentle person. I am kind to animals, except cats, and I am gentle when it comes to children, unless they are screaming in the seat behind me on an airplane.

But I must admit there are things that cause me not to be kind and gentle, and these are the things I want to learn to accept and be kinder and more gentle about in 1989.

Let us start at the beginning:

Cats: The thing about cats is, they are not to be trusted. A friend of mine’s cat snuck behind me once and jumped on my head, causing me to spill the coffee I was drinking. It went all over my lap (the coffee). The cat stayed on my head and danced the merengue.

I did not handle the situation with kindness or gentility. I reached up and removed the cat from my scalp and bit one of its ears off.

Ever tasted a cat ear? They’re terrible. But I’m a new man now. If a cat jumps on my head in 1989, I’m not going to bite its ear off. I’m going to poison it, but with a quick-acting potion so it won’t suffer for long.

Screaming children in airplanes: I’m not going to ask the flight attendant, “May I have a napkin so I can gag the screaming child?” I’m going to buy the kid a drink. Maybe it will go to sleep.

People affiliated with certain religious organizations who ring my doorbell at an inappropriate time in order to save my soul: Normally, I take out my Uzi machine gun and attempt to blow these people away. From now on, I’ll fire a few warning shots before I attempt to blow these people away.

People who drive eight miles an hour in the passing lane on interstate highways: I hate people who do that. They should be arrested and flogged. But that’s the old me, not the kinder, gentler me.

From now on, I’m not going to get behind such people and pretend I’ve got machine guns behind my headlights and fire until the cars erupt in flames.

I’m simply going to take down their tag numbers and find out who they are, where they live, and then I’m going to their houses and bite their cats’ ears off.

People who cheat in the express lane in supermarkets: Previously, I have dog-cussed these people and put curses on them like, “May your children grow up to be liberal Democrats.”

I’m not going to be that mean-spirited anymore. What I’m going to do is go to the vegetable bin, grab a large cucumber, and beat them about the head and shoulders with it.

Telephones: Telephones never work for me. I either can’t get a dial tone, or I get one of those awful noises that sounds like a cat who’s just had its ear bitten off, and I slam the receiver down and throw the telephone against the wall.

Not anymore. All I’m going to do now is throw a rock at the television every time I see Cliff Robertson.

Liberal Democrats: I have no use for these people, and when I’ve run across one at a cocktail party, I’ve said things like, “Well, how many vicious criminals did Michael Dukakis furlough today?”

But in the immortal words of Dan Quayle, “That was uncalled for.”

From now on, I’m going to sneak up behind them and jump on their heads. I’d bite off one of their ears, but it might make me sick.