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The Love Cycles

We have to be whole people to find whole love, even if we have to make it up for a while.

— CHERYL STRAYED, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Someone Who’s Been There

It’s easy to absorb the romantic tales of novels, films, TV, and other media and conclude that all intimate relationships reliably progress from the initial juicy moment of meeting, to giddy infatuation, to a series of small trials and tribulations, and finally to a quietly blissful state of happily-ever-after. It makes for a satisfying and comforting story, but it’s not how real life operates. The truth is, love is a journey without a final destination throughout our lives. We shouldn’t expect that at some point in some particular relationship, we’ll look back at the obstacles we overcame and exult, “That’s it! We’re here! We made it!” It’s difficult to see in advance, but beyond wherever you are now another hurdle awaits.

But we can manage these hurdles. Learning more about them and equipping ourselves to respond to them effectively is a crucial part of sustaining a rewarding long-term relationship.

In the Love Cycles model, intimate relationships move through five stages: The Merge, Doubt and Denial, Disillusionment, The Decision, and Wholehearted Love. Imagine these stages not as stepping-stones to a final outcome, but rather as a series of seasons that we move through in an eternal cycle. No matter how glorious a summer may be, a cool autumn breeze will eventually blow through that will one day give way to icy winter. Likewise, even the harshest of winters will melt away in time. The fresh breath of spring always returns.

Although people experience these cycles differently, the skills and road map are useful for everyone. The journey to wholehearted love is never a straight or easy line. That said, I have certainly seen those who begin their relationships with a lot of self-awareness and wisdom already gleaned from their lives, having already experienced the cycles of love enough times to know how to pass through the earlier stages more quickly. We can all get to this place. As we do this work, we will learn to move through the tougher stages with more ease, grace, and kindness, and we will find ways to hang out longer in the bountiful stage of Wholehearted Love — and maybe even dip back into the deliciously sensual moments of Stage One.

Stage One: The Merge

In Greek mythology, Cupid — the god of desire, eroticism, and affection — dipped his arrows in a special love potion that caused innocent targets, when struck, to fall into a mad passion for the next person they saw. As it turns out, this tale accurately reflects the biochemical changes in our brains that both trigger and maintain infatuation. In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term “limerence” to describe the state of mind that occurs when our brains are flooded with a cocktail of hormones and chemicals that includes pleasure-inducing dopamine and endorphins, aphrodisiacs such as phenethylamine (also found in chocolate), and oxytocin, which promotes empathy and bonding.

The Merge is the initial sweeping romance that consumes a couple. The passion and chemistry of this first stage are what we customarily associate with the concept of love — all-encompassing joy in the presence of our partner, utter fascination with the other’s personality and life story, and insatiable mind-blowing, deeply connected sex. We feel we’ve found our “perfect match,” a person who seems eerily similar to ourselves and for whom we can check off all the boxes on the list of characteristics of our envisioned ideal partner. Our emotional brain drowns out our rational one as we give ourselves over to the delicious pleasures of infatuation.

In this stage, partners always want to be together, communicate constantly when apart, and believe their love can see them through whatever challenges life may bring. Just as the infant merges with the mother and cannot tell the difference between itself and another, and just as the new mother lives in constant awareness of her newborn child, so it is with new lovers. Boundaries melt away, and the sense of “we-ness” is paramount and intense.

And have you ever noticed that this first stage of love also makes you feel better about yourself? The magical new person in your life seems to bring out the best in you. You’ve never been so spontaneous, so witty, so warm, so sexy, so open! You marvel at your new capacity for compassion, patience, and generosity. Your whole being simply glows.

Some couples may skip the infatuation stage, establishing a relationship of companionable and caring friendship without the fireworks. For the majority of couples who do experience The Merge, the glorious intensity may last anywhere from several months to a few years, although some pairs find the ecstatic free fall lasts just a few weeks before giving way to judgment and disappointment. Here’s what I know for certain: there’s no straightforward path from that initial biochemically induced plunge down the rabbit hole of infatuation to the kind of mature committed love that will last a lifetime.

Stage Two: Doubt and Denial

For some partners, doubt creeps in slowly, like a gently rising tide. For others, it can strike suddenly and powerfully, like a bolt of lightning. However it occurs, a realization dawns on the couple that they’re not entirely “perfect” for each other after all. In this second stage, they start to realize there are more differences between them than they first thought. And as soon as they feel the first stab of doubt, they anxiously try to deny its existence. Even when partners acknowledge their differences, they tell themselves they will eventually be ironed out — or that they’re no big deal in the first place.

As all of this unfolds, the special magic of The Merge starts to subside. You’re no longer compelled to spend every moment together, no longer mesmerized by each other’s presence, and no longer as willing to bend over backward to make the other happy. You may start to show more critical, irritable, or unattractive parts of yourselves. One or both of you might start to air small grievances, only to be met by knee-jerk defensiveness or even retaliation. Arguments start to arise more frequently, affection dulls, and alone time begins to feel restorative rather than intolerable. Sex may become less frequent — or at least less passionate — now that the novelty is fading and the “love chemicals” in the brain have begun to subside.

At this point, partners may think, “It used to be so easy!” and “Why can’t he (or she) see things the way I do?” And most disconcerting of all: “Have I chosen the wrong person?” If you’re experiencing these kinds of thoughts and feelings, it may indeed be a signal that you’re with the wrong person. But, just as likely, it’s a manifestation of the emotions that naturally arise during this second stage of the Love Cycle. Though painful, the death of illusion permits us to move closer to the possibility of real, abiding love. It’s the great paradox of relationships. As romance recedes, we can learn to steer through difficulty in ways that deepen the relationship rather than damage it.

I call this the “silent stage,” because it’s the step in love’s journey that partners rarely discuss directly. We find ourselves smoothing over differences and fearful of broaching them with our partner, let alone our friends and family. We stay silent because we don’t want to admit our relationship isn’t the perfect haven we once believed it to be.

Stage Three: Disillusionment

The Disillusionment stage is the winter season of love, one that may feel like the end of the road for some couples. The power struggles in the relationship have come fully to the surface; the issues the couple have consistently shoved under the rug are now glaringly obvious. Some people become perpetually vigilant, on edge, and ready to fly into battle at the slightest provocation. Other couples might quietly move apart over time, putting less and less energy into maintaining the relationship and investing more outside of it. They begin to make separate lives in the places that matter most, sharing less and less with one another about what really matters and practicing “the art of nice” without much depth.

At this juncture, our original experience of passionate love is a distant memory. The “I” reemerges, a state that feels a lot safer than our former blissful experience of “we.” Dark thoughts might even enter our heads, ones we may share with others: “I’m not sure I love my partner anymore,” or “My husband has turned into someone I don’t know,” or even, “I think I married the wrong woman.” Even if we don’t frame our differences in such a dramatic fashion, we experience a sense of growing distance and estrangement from our partner.

Other couples may experience Stage Three not as a time of questioning their commitment to the relationship itself, but rather as a strong message that things need to change or that the original contract their relationship was built on is no longer relevant. For example, these messages might be the product of life transitions. Perhaps who we were in our twenties is not who we have become in our thirties, forties, or fifties, and that transitional process becomes disruptive to the relationship and can cause intense alienation.

Whatever shape the Disillusionment stage takes, at this point life feels unpleasantly predictable. We’re having the same fights over and over again — or not communicating at all about anything that’s actually important, avoiding all the possible places of trouble. Where we once saw the best in our partner (“He’s so confident and reasonable!”), now we see the worst (“He’s so controlling and out of touch with his feelings!”). Perhaps we even witness our own unappealing qualities — and then turn around and blame our partner for them. Bad moods abound. We may resort to behaviors that are unhealthy and deeply hurtful to our partners and ourselves — lies, betrayals, and sexual transgressions. We may find ourselves fantasizing about an old love, a current colleague, or even that cute pizza-delivery guy.

Stage Four: The Decision

Finally, you reach a breaking point. Nearly every relationship hits what I call “the wall” — the stage where the differences, challenges, and negativity between partners feel unbearable.

For many couples, this decision is about staying or leaving. You’re utterly worn out. Emotional breakdowns — crying fits, screaming, or slamming the door and leaving the house for several hours — are commonplace. You and your partner retreat into self-protective behaviors and emotions: emotional shutdown, remoteness, and indifference. Maybe you even find yourself telling your friends and family things like, “I can’t do this anymore.” Sex is rare, nonexistent, or takes place exclusively after arguments. You may feel ready for an enticing new beginning with a new person. Other couples’ successful relationships feel like grim proof that yours is unsalvageable. Singlehood starts to seem better and better, compared to remaining in this dysfunctional, energy-sapping arrangement.

Some couples face a different kind of decision that isn’t about whether you’re walking out the door. This stage is called The Decision for a reason: something isn’t working, and it’s reached the point where you desperately need a change. What you do next will likely determine whether your relationship thrives and moves in a new direction or you become resigned to status quo.

Many couples decide to separate when they reach this level of estrangement. Some opt for living parallel and distant lives: living together but no longer seeking intimacy, emotional support, meaningful sex, or personal growth from each other. In this case, polite indifference often becomes a coping strategy. Others peacefully accept the living of parallel lives, perhaps coming together for family occasions and even supporting each other, but neither partner is hopeful for deeper intimacy. Still other couples simply stay as they are, playing out the same tired battles over and over without any willingness to change or leave.

Even if we do successfully extricate ourselves from what can feel like a doomed relationship, it’s a mistake to fail to fully explore the difficult lessons of this stage. If we don’t come to grips with our own role in the relationship’s conflicts, we’ll likely choose the same kind of person next time and re-create a similar story. In addition, committing to learn from our experiences in this stage can help us to leave the relationship without bitterness and blame. We might even be able to become a little more tolerant, emotionally intelligent, and wholehearted in the process.

Sometimes, when I am working with a couple at this stage of the Love Cycle, especially when there is a lot of hurt and many messes to clean up, I suggest they consider that “the marriage is over.” After a moment’s pause to let the concept sink in, I continue: “So how about making a new marriage, keeping what worked and changing the parts that you’ve outgrown or weren’t healthy to begin with?”

If both partners decide to fully embrace their commitment to the relationship and their own healing, that decision may lead them to the fifth and final stage of the cycle.

Stage Five: Wholehearted Love

Reaching the stage of Wholehearted Love requires the hardest work of all: true individuation, self-discovery, and acceptance of imperfection in both our partner and ourselves. Wholehearted love recognizes there’s no such thing as a “perfect match.” It acknowledges both the inevitable differences between the self and the partner as well as how one’s own actions contribute to the relationship’s challenges. We’re no longer looking at problems with an intention to blame but rather to understand, take responsibility for, and courageously address our own challenges. In acknowledging and exploring our own imperfections, we learn to accept those of our partner, rather than fruitlessly insisting that our partner be the one to change.

In essence, we lean into discomfort instead of running from it. That means we no longer avoid difficult conversations, but instead face them head-on with an open heart. We learn to listen carefully, even when our partner voices an opinion we find threatening. At the same time, we no longer view alone time as an escape from the other person, but rather a healthy way to replenish the self — and consequently replenish the relationship as well.

And sex? Sometimes it’s wonderful. Sometimes it doesn’t quite work out — and we learn to laugh or shrug about what is less than perfect. Always, it’s an ongoing candid conversation between both partners to ensure mutual satisfaction.

Importantly, the stage of Wholehearted Love doesn’t merely mean a calm, mature acceptance of what is. To the contrary, it can be a thrilling adventure in which we rediscover some of the joy and passion of The Merge. Although we may not recapture the dopamine-fueled bliss of the first stage, we begin to play together again — to laugh, relax, and deeply enjoy each other. Together, we might create art, plant a garden, travel, develop community, and share work and family life in new ways. And throughout, as we work toward greater maturity and connection, we rediscover new aspects of ourselves and our partner that allow us to fall in love all over again.

Once we know how to live comfortably in this stage, we can fairly quickly return to stability even when we fall out, without necessarily having to travel through every stage each time. No one can stay in wholeheartedness all of the time, but we can live here for longer and longer stretches.

The Love Cycles model offers a concrete method for practicing mindfulness within our relationships. It encourages us to identify and grapple with our innermost thoughts and feelings about our partners and accept the ever-changing nature of love. Once you pinpoint where you and your partner are in the cycle, you can pause, breathe, and begin to thoughtfully address your relationship challenges. In the next chapter, we’ll get started with that process by figuring out which stage you’re currently in.