Читать книгу Love Skills - Linda Carroll - Страница 14
ОглавлениеWhich Love Cycle Stage Are You In?
Romantic Love sticks around long enough to bind two people together. Then it rides off into the sunset. And seemingly overnight, your dream marriage can turn into your biggest nightmare.
— HARVILLE HENDRIX, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Truths for Changing the Relationship You Have into the One You Want
It is possible, even likely, that you may see yourself in a different Love Cycle stage than your partner does. It’s normal for two people to see their relationship in different ways.
Let’s Find Out
Take the following quiz to find out which stage you are in.
Love Cycles Quiz
This exercise should be completed individually. If you’re working as a couple, come together to share your results at the end after doing the quiz separately.
Rank yourself on a scale of 1 to 3 for each item based on the definitions below:
1 = This doesn’t apply to me at all
2 = This somewhat applies to me
3 = This definitely applies to me
Stage One: The Merge
| Score | |
| 1.I feel as though I could be with my partner all the time, and when we’re not together, I miss my partner terribly. | ______ |
| 2.My partner and I can talk for hours and never get bored. | ______ |
| 3.I tell my partner things about myself that I rarely, if ever, tell anyone else. When I do, my partner doesn’t pull away. | ______ |
| 4.My partner seems to accept me with all of my flaws, and I accept my partner’s. | ______ |
| 5.I don’t get as much sleep now that we’re dating — just thinking about my partner fills me with energy! | ______ |
| 6.I think my partner may be my perfect match, even though we haven’t been together very long. | ______ |
| 7.I always take longer to get ready before meeting up with my partner. I need to look my best! | ______ |
| 8.Our sex life is fantastic — we make love more frequently and enjoyably than I have with any previous partner. | ______ |
| 9.My partner is so attractive that I could stare at him or her for hours. | ______ |
| 10.We have fun no matter what we are doing — even normally boring things like grocery shopping or cleaning. | ______ |
| 11.My partner brings out my generosity; I’m happy to spend money on him or her. | ______ |
| 12.With my partner, I’m willing to try things in the bedroom that I’ve never done before. | ______ |
| 13.Anytime we are relaxing, I can’t help but cuddle. | ______ |
| 14.My partner likes a lot of activities I’ve never tried, but I’m really interested in getting into them too. | ______ |
| 15.We like to “sext” and send sexually suggestive messages to each other…even during the workday. | ______ |
| 16.I’m seeing my friends less often because I want to prioritize love right now. | ______ |
| 17.I almost feel guilty when I think about flirting with other people (which happens rarely). If I had dating apps and/or files, I’ve deleted them. | ______ |
| 18.I want to know everything about my partner. | ______ |
| 19.After a date, I replay every moment in my head. | ______ |
| 20.I love to talk about my new partner with supportive friends and family members. Sometimes, even my partner has to remind me to talk about things other than our relationship. | ______ |
| TOTAL SCORE | ______ |
Stage Two: Doubt and Denial
| Score | |
| 1.I’m more critical of my partner than I used to be. Even if I don’t actually say I’m annoyed, I’m sure my tone and facial expressions communicate my disapproval. | ______ |
| 2.More and more, my partner is criticizing me for just being me. | ______ |
| 3.I need my own time sometimes; being around my partner can get on my nerves. | ______ |
| 4.I don’t tell my friends or family about my concerns with my partner, because I’m sure we’ll move past them soon. No need to alarm my loved ones. | ______ |
| 5.It’s time for me to reconnect with some of the friends I put on hold earlier in our relationship. | ______ |
| 6.Sometimes I really want to argue with my partner, but then I remember how happy we are, so I decide that whatever’s bugging me really isn’t that big of a deal. | ______ |
| 7.When my partner complains about something small, like a mess I’ve made or something I’ve forgotten to do, I tend to take it as a personal insult. I feel defensiveness creeping in. | ______ |
| 8.Some of the things my partner does are just silly. Why isn’t my partner more rational about things — like I am? | ______ |
| 9.I sometimes worry we disagree too much, but when I see other couples arguing, I feel a lot better. After all, we aren’t nearly as miserable as they are! | ______ |
| 10.Our sex life is decent, but I keep waiting to feel the kind of passion I once did. | ______ |
| 11.We aren’t “sexting” each other nearly as much as we used to. In fact, our texts aren’t even flirtatious. | ______ |
| 12.There are times I wonder if I chose the wrong partner. But I know that’s just me being overdramatic. | ______ |
| 13.Our communication isn’t working the way it used to. I feel like we need to “spell things out” to each other now rather than understand them intuitively. | ______ |
| 14.I think about being single more often — and sometimes even wish I were. | ______ |
| 15.I feel like our libidos are out of sync — either my partner wants more sex than I do or vice versa. | ______ |
| 16.I’m less likely to spend a lot of money on my partner just for fun; now I only do so on special occasions. | ______ |
| 17.I’m more likely to flirt with someone else now, just for fun and to see what else is out there. | ______ |
| 18.I find it hard to comfort my partner when they are upset over something I personally think is no big deal. | ______ |
| 19.I still think my partner is attractive, but no longer irresistible. | ______ |
| 20.I pretend to like things my partner is interested in, and I’m a bit worried I’ll never actually enjoy them, even if we do them together. | ______ |
| TOTAL SCORE | ______ |
Stage Three: Disillusionment
| Score | |
| 1.Premeditated romance is rare between us — date nights, random gifts, and other gestures of love aren’t things we do for each other anymore. | ______ |
| 2.I seldom feel as though I’m the number-one priority for my partner. | ______ |
| 3.Right now I just need to make sure that I’m emotionally safe and happy, with or without my partner. | ______ |
| 4.Nothing new is happening in our relationship, and it’s driving me crazy! We’re tediously predictable in our interactions and routines. | ______ |
| 5.I don’t do everything I promise my partner I’ll do, but it’s not that big a deal. My partner just takes it too personally. | ______ |
| 6.Though I feel guilty about it, I think about cheating to get some novelty and zing in the bedroom — even if it’s just one time. | ______ |
| 7.The only time sexual passion returns is after we fight. | ______ |
| 8.I’ve secretly gone through my partner’s phone, laptop, social-media accounts, email, drawers, pockets, and the like to see if I find anything suspicious. | ______ |
| 9.I am committed to my relationship, but the way we are together doesn’t work as it once did, and I don’t know how to change it. | ______ |
| 10.I’m high-strung around my partner and feel I need to walk on eggshells. I feel as though I can’t do anything the way my partner wants me to. | ______ |
| 11.We keep fighting about the same thing! We think we’ve finally settled the issue, and then — BAM! — it flares up again. | ______ |
| 12.We are two very different people. I’m shocked I didn’t see it when we first got together. | ______ |
| 13.I seldom hold back my criticism of my partner. | ______ |
| 14.I don’t think my partner and I have the same moral standards, which makes me think less of my partner. | ______ |
| 15.I’m starting to doubt we can last. | ______ |
| 16.I think I still love my partner, but I’m not 100 percent certain. | ______ |
| 17.I spend a lot of time in my life with people and activities that matter and don’t share much about them or include my partner in them. | ______ |
| 18.My life is starting to become more separate from my partner’s; we make plans without considering each other, and the time we spend together is more convenient than intentional. | ______ |
| 19.We don’t compliment each other anymore. I can’t recall the last time my partner called me smart, attractive, sexy, or funny. | ______ |
| 20.Saying “I love you,” “I miss you,” and “I want you” have pretty much disappeared from our vocabulary. | ______ |
| TOTAL SCORE | ______ |
Stage Four: The Decision
| Score | |
| 1.I’m completely worn down from all of our fighting and bickering. | ______ |
| 2.I barely recall why we fell in love. | ______ |
| 3.I just can’t do this anymore; something has to change. | ______ |
| 4.The only times I have strong emotions toward my partner are when we’re arguing or when I’m emotionally breaking down. | ______ |
| 5.I speak critically of my partner to friends, family, and sometimes even new acquaintances. | ______ |
| 6.I feel that the cons of staying in this relationship outweigh the pros now. | ______ |
| 7.I fantasize about being single or being in a happy relationship with someone else. | ______ |
| 8.I play out and rehearse our “breakup talk” in my head. | ______ |
| 9.I’ve never been lonelier, even though I’m in a relationship. | ______ |
| 10.There are times I don’t even like my partner, and I wonder if that will become the new norm. | ______ |
| 11.Most things I’d prefer to do alone or with a friend rather than with my partner, even important stuff like making big purchases or getting career advice. | ______ |
| 12.I’m not sure what the next step in our relationship is, and to be honest, I’m not sure I care. Whatever it is, it just needs to happen soon. | ______ |
| 13.When I see other people in happy, healthy relationships, it makes me sad. It reminds me that mine is neither happy nor healthy. | ______ |
| 14.I can’t help but look for the flaws in my partner. I never give my partner the benefit of the doubt, and I’m not sure he or she even deserves it. | ______ |
| 15.I care about my partner, but sometimes I’m indifferent to the deeper things we shared. | ______ |
| 16.I think I lost myself in this relationship. I need to be my own person again rather than just being part of a couple. | ______ |
| 17.We don’t even argue with passion anymore. We just give up. | ______ |
| 18.Going to events or social gatherings together feels like a facade; we tend to take part in separate conversations. | ______ |
| 19.Most of our conversations are essentially small talk now — that is, if we’re talking at all. | ______ |
| 20.The tension and animosity in our home is almost palpable. I feel weighed down in my own house. | ______ |
| TOTAL SCORE | ______ |
Stage Five: Wholehearted Love
| Score | |
| 1.I recognize that my partner and I are separate people and that we have to accept each other for who we are. | ______ |
| 2.I’m almost always open to having difficult conversations about “us.” | ______ |
| 3.When we talk, I actively listen and seek to understand my partner’s point of view, even if I don’t fully agree with it. | ______ |
| 4.Silences between us aren’t filled with tension, nor do they necessarily indicate an issue between us. | ______ |
| 5.I’m comfortable being myself around my partner. | ______ |
| 6.My self-worth isn’t determined by my relationship. | ______ |
| 7.I acknowledge that I may have idealized love in the past, but now I see that love is more than passion, sex, and novelty. Love is also about kindness, companionship, and collaboration. | ______ |
| 8.I realize that our relationship will continue to ebb and flow. Someday we’ll have an argument again, but what matters is how we approach and handle the argument. | ______ |
| 9.We’ve had very tough times together, but I now see that we were able to build a stronger relationship from those experiences. | ______ |
| 10.I want to treat and respond to my partner with the best and most mature part of me. | ______ |
| 11.When we spend time apart, it doesn’t feel like a threat to the relationship. | ______ |
| 12.I’m not anxious when I don’t hear back from my partner right away. Instead, I feel connected and content when I see a returned call, text, or email. | ______ |
| 13.Our love is not a distraction from my work life or social life. | ______ |
| 14.I’m comfortable being with my partner around friends and going to social gatherings together. Sometimes we talk to different groups of people at the same event, which feels perfectly okay. | ______ |
| 15.My partner is always going to have certain behaviors that annoy me, but they don’t prevent me from appreciating the great partner I have in life. I’m now able to cope well with those small annoyances. | ______ |
| 16.When there’s an issue, I seek to understand how I contributed to it, rather than focus entirely on what my partner did wrong. | ______ |
| 17.We have a comfortable daily communication style, and we make each other laugh. | ______ |
| 18.I’ll introduce my partner to new things I like or find interesting, but I’m not offended if my partner isn’t as interested as I am (and vice versa). | ______ |
| 19.We are affectionate, maybe not as much as when we first started dating, but we regularly hold hands, kiss, and cuddle. | ______ |
| 20.We tell each other “I love you,” but we don’t feel obligated to do so. | ______ |
| TOTAL SCORE | ______ |
Results
Add up your total score for each section. Whichever section you have the highest score in represents the stage you are probably in. If you receive similar scores for more than one section, then you may be in between stages.
The next chapter will guide you through what to do now that you know which stage you’re in.
Can Each Person in a Couple Be in a Different Stage?
Remember, couples experience the stages individually; one person might be in The Merge while the other is in Doubt and Denial. Individuals themselves may fluctuate between stages close to one another. For example, people may go back and forth between the first two stages, fluctuating between rapture and denial because they’re reluctant to let go of the promise of perfect love. People who’ve reached the fifth stage can fall back into The Merge, and then go through the difficult power struggle stages before eventually getting back to Wholehearted Love.
Right now it is important for you to keep this discussion positive. If either of you feels resistant or tense while discussing your relationship stage, let it go for now. As you work your way through Love Skills, you will learn some new ways to talk and listen, so you can revisit this later on when you have learned more about sharing together.
