Читать книгу Love Skills - Linda Carroll - Страница 15
ОглавлениеIn real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.
— MARGARET ANDERSON, founder, editor, and publisher of The Little Review
One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is mindfulness. To be mindful means to gently bear witness to ourselves in the moment — physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Too often we’re so swept up in what’s happening to us, how we feel about it, and what to do to change it that we fail to fully experience these internal currents. Consequently, we react without real awareness of what’s actually driving our choices. When we learn to observe our feelings, thoughts, and experiences without reacting to them — and without trying to judge, analyze, or deny them — we become less attached to our dramas and less swept up in our moods. We are more able to take a step back and make the wisest possible decisions that blend heart, head, and instinct.
Now that you’re aware of which stage of the Love Cycles you’re in, this chapter offers you specific focus areas for surviving and navigating each stage. This process will require constant mindfulness. Go slowly in order to avoid reacting. Practice a more thought-out, slower response while you look at the stage of relationship you may be currently experiencing. I recommend you follow these steps:
1.Read the material on each stage in the preceding chapter.
2.Go through the suggestions for the stage you are in. Circle or underline the suggestions that apply to you. You should also read through the other stages as well, so you’re prepared for when you shift to another stage and understand what your partner is going through if he or she is in a different stage than you are.
3.Think about how you might implement the ideas you’ve underlined. Commit to starting with the ones that are easiest for you.
4.Later, add some of the more challenging ones, which I call stretches.
Stage One, The Merge: Do Not Trust Only Your Heart
Beware of the fantasy of permanent bliss that this stage wraps you in. The first stage of love is perhaps the most euphoric and sensation-intense of them all. But that spectacular spike in feel-good neurochemicals can overpower common sense. The main problem people face in this stage is believing their feelings are the true and lasting barometer for the relationship. People ignore red flags, differences, and plain old logic. (“It doesn’t matter that he’s had seven wives, doesn’t speak to any of his eleven children, and can’t hold down a job! I love him. Plus, he’s changed. He promises our relationship is forever.”)
In spite of Western culture’s message that “all you need is love,” touted in every imaginable media, this is a time when you need to access your rational self as much as your emotional self.
Here’s your Stage One to-do list:
1.Be mindful of your heightened emotions. By all means, enjoy this stage to the fullest — this is the stuff that makes courtship so delightful and intriguing. There’s no need to forgo these joys. Just be aware that you’re in a trance — a victim of Cupid’s magic potion. Take time to step back and observe your emotions and behaviors; ask yourself whether they’re objectively rational. Ask a trusted friend for a candid opinion about your relationship. Awareness is key. (Journaling is a great way to foster this mindfulness.)
2.Don’t make any permanent moves. Because you’re not in a rational state of mind, you may regret moving in, getting engaged, or making big joint purchases with your partner. Wait a while — I recommend a year or two — until the haze of this stage has faded.
3.Tell your partner you need to go slow in making major decisions. Pay close attention to your partner’s reaction. Is it respectful, or does your partner push you in a particular direction?
4.Actively question whether this person is the best match for you. Investigating your new relationship in this way doesn’t mean you’re sabotaging it, nor does it make you a doubtful, wavering, or uncaring person. It simply keeps you grounded and helps you make decisions that are best for both of you in the long run.
Stretch
1.Write down all of the reasons this may not be a great match. Here is a hint. We all bring our own troubles to a relationship. If you cannot identify the ones your new lover brings, you are too far under love’s chemical spell to make any sensible decisions.
2.Make an objective list of qualities you want in your life partner. For you, how important is a sense of purpose, humor, humility, loyalty, and flexibility in an intimate relationship? How important is a willingness to take responsibility for one’s behavior and engage in the emotional work you’ll need to do together to develop and nurture wholehearted love? Be as tough-minded as you can here. Does your list match up with the qualities of the person you’re dating?
3.Become aware of your partner’s relationship history. Listen carefully to how your partner talks about family and former partners. Watch how your partner manages conflict and acknowledges — or fails to acknowledge — personal mistakes.
4.When others note red flags, pay attention. Don’t get defensive. Do your best to listen openly to the perspectives of those who care about you.
Stage Two, Doubt and Denial: Don’t Let Fear Get the Best of You
The transition from Stage One to Stage Two may feel like a creeping cold, or it may feel like sudden food poisoning. You have arrived in the power struggle. As my mentor Dr. Harville Hendrix says, The Merge feels like “We two are one”; Stage Two is more like “We two are one, and I am the one!” But don’t panic. What your relationship is going through is not necessarily unhealthy, and it’s not likely terminal. Infatuation isn’t meant to last forever. We fall in love, but we don’t fall into good relationships. Like it or not, we have to work at them. They take practice, patience, and intention.
Here’s your Stage Two to-do list:
1.Understand that power struggles are a normal relationship process and not the end of love. Research shows each couple has a handful of irresolvable issues, and the difference between couples who thrive and those who don’t make it is how they manage those issues. Learn to fight fair, making use of the core communication skills (found in Chapters 9 through 12) and practicing the daily gestures of caring behavior (Chapter 13). Those go a long way to counter the power struggles you’ll inevitably face.
Ultimately, most arguments are about disconnection rather than the actual topic you’re arguing about. For example, let’s say one of you wants to live in the city while the other longs for country life. Objectively, you have a disagreement to work out. But the real pain creeps in when both of you become so entrenched in your positions that you become sarcastic, mean-spirited adversaries who place winning above all rather than teammates trying to work out a problem together. The first priority is to treat each other with care and respect. If you fail to do that, “winning” the battle will be a hollow and damaging victory.
At the same time, it’s vital to recognize the difference between healthy disagreement and unhealthy control issues. In the former, we hold genuinely different points of view on something — how to do dishes, how much to disclose about our relationship to other people, how much time to spend together or apart — and are willing to consider the other’s viewpoint. In the latter situation, we insist on our own way and can’t let go of our need to dominate the situation.
2.Keep up the loving behavior. It’s like putting money in the bank. When Cupid’s potion has worn off, the real work of love begins. You’ll need to regularly check in with your partner about what’s going on in your relationship, bestowing on him or her the sustaining gift of affection and reaching for your higher self in the face of conflict. Don’t stop expressing care, kindness, and goodwill even as you start to encounter major differences and arguments.
Think of three ways to be generous that don’t compromise you, even when you are disappointed or angry. Examples may be filling your partner’s car with gas, cleaning up after dinner when it’s not your turn, or genuinely wishing your partner a good day when you part company in the morning. Do these often, whether you’re feeling good or bad about your relationship on a given day.
3.Learn your love languages. According to bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman, everyone has a particular way they most enjoy receiving love. There are five so-called love languages: tangible gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. (You’ll find a full guide to the love languages in Chapter 13.) Spend some time with your partner figuring out which love language each of you most needs and start to incorporate this knowledge into your everyday interactions. If your partner values words, make a point of telling him how you appreciate and care about him. If you most love quality time, make sure your partner knows, so that she can devote more attention to the date nights you cherish.
Remember times you have expressed caring in your style (maybe with a gift or with words in a text or email), and it wasn’t received in the way you hoped it would be. Think about times your partner has reached out to you in their caring style (maybe by doing the laundry or putting air in the tires), and you discounted this as not heartfelt enough. There’s no need to do anything about this other than observe with loving-kindness that most of us “give what we want to get” and mark this as something to learn from.
4.Ask yourself if you are staying on your own mat. In yoga, we’re taught the importance of “staying on our own yoga mat” — not concerning ourselves with how well (or badly) other participants are holding their poses. The teaching translates beautifully into our relationships: instead of pointing an outraged finger at your partner when problems arise, work on understanding your own triggers (triggers can be seen as automatic stress reactions stemming from our past experiences).
Stretch
1.Acknowledge your triggers. As you begin to understand how you’re responding to your partner’s actions — and how you yourself may be contributing to conflicts — bring up these areas of tension with your partner and focus on your own experience. (Example: “I realize I get hurt when you want to spend time alone. I know that’s a trigger for me.”) Ask your partner for help instead of launching into criticism.
2.Acknowledge the ways you try to grab power in your relationship. Think about the ways you push your viewpoint on your partner, try to get your way, and discount the other point of view as childish, unreasonable, or just plain wrong. Can you acknowledge when winning becomes more important to you than playing fair?
Stage Three, Disillusionment: Clear the Air and Create Space
During The Merge, the brain notices only the positive and avoids anything that challenges that view. In the Disillusionment stage, by contrast, the brain zeroes in on the relationship’s deficiencies and disappointments. If something goes right, the brain slides right by it. Things are still terrible. The end is near!
As in Stage One, in this stage of Disillusionment you must remember that what you’re experiencing isn’t the whole truth. Take steps to “de-smog” your vision, all the while taking good and gentle care of yourself.
Here’s your Stage Three to-do list:
1.Nurture the relationship even as you stand your ground. As frustrated and sluggish as you might feel, now is the time to devote even more energy to your relationship. Make time to enhance your communication and connection skills. Try to reframe your thinking to see trouble as an opening to understanding, empathy, and a closer connection with both yourself and your partner. Importantly, don’t stop practicing goodwill. For example, my husband has made me a latte every morning for the entire length of our marriage. Some mornings, he brings it to me with a kiss; other mornings, he gives it to me silently. Once in a while, he puts it way over on my dresser rather than the nightstand, so I have to reach for it. But come hell or high water, that cup of latte is there every morning.
2.Stop pushing problems under the rug. Of course you’re exasperated by repetitious and fruitless arguments; understandably, you’d rather just stay grimly silent than get into another heated exchange with your partner. Too often, we avoid dealing with our issues not out of apathy, but out of fear that speaking up will trigger even greater mutual hostility. However, the opposite is more often true — a lumpy carpet leaves much to trip over.
It’s absolutely essential to learn how to listen to our partner’s grievances and speak up about our own. In healthy relationships, there are no lumps hidden under the rug; instead, we should manage conflict in a timely way that ensures problems aren’t shoved underground, where they can fester and develop into ugly lasting resentments. Pay particular attention to the DTR exercise in Chapter 13 as a simple and effective way to manage these inevitable annoyances.
Stretch
1.Practice affection when upset. Can you feel angry and be aware that something isn’t working that you need to talk about — but still go to dinner and a movie together? Try holding hands, expressing appreciation, or celebrating your partner’s success even during an unresolved power struggle.
2.Create boundaries without closing your heart. By this stage, you’re often interacting with your partner from a chronically defensive position. “You’re pissed off that I’ve done this? What about all the times you’ve done that?” Instead of trying to one-up your partner, explore the possibility of creating limits and looking after yourself without closing your heart. What would that look like? Can you say no to something and still be kind? “At the moment I’m not comfortable having dinner with your colleagues, because we are going through such a tense time. I really want to support you in your new job, so let’s talk about it in a few months after we get through this.”
3.Acknowledge your part. As power struggles between you and your partner mount, practice the counterintuitive move of turning your attention away from your partner’s transgressions and toward your own role in causing the rift. Use this difficult period to develop this self-reflective response to conflict. For example, “I know my own sensitivity to feeling abandoned made it even harder for me when you decided to have lunch with your friend Saturday and not hang out like we planned.” There’s always a way of making a piece of conflict about you without denying your partner’s role.
4.Protect yourself. Never forget that your negative emotions arise for a reason. They often signal when something’s wrong, whether the issue is minor or serious. If you are in danger — for example, if your partner is physically abusive — take immediate measures to protect yourself and your family. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If there are issues of addiction, untreated depression, or an undisclosed affair, it’s essential to get outside support.
Stage Four, The Decision: Do the Work
You’re at a crossroads. If something doesn’t change, you’ll have to leave the relationship. The “right” decision cannot come from me or any book. It can only come from within, after you take the time to truly understand what’s become dysfunctional in your relationship. You will need to align the information in your rational brain, the feelings in your heart, and the instinct in your gut to make the best decision about the relationship.
Even if you’re on the brink of walking out the door, I encourage you to take the time to pause, breathe, and try to understand what went wrong before you leave. Sometimes people are stuck in the power struggle, and once they work to get unstuck, they can restore their love. Even if this isn’t the case, spending time figuring out what happened will help to ensure you don’t end up in the same type of relationship in the future, repeating the same painful unworkable patterns.
Moreover, you can leave a relationship wholeheartedly — and all of us should strive for this when we’re heading toward a breakup. In the short term, it may feel more satisfying to sling blame, but ignoring your own culpability and hurting your partner on the way out will cost you your own well-being in the long run. Saying goodbye is always painful, but to be able to wish your ex-partner well and to acknowledge your own part in the breakup will free you from repeating many of the same patterns. (We’ll talk more about wholehearted breakups in Chapter 15.)
Here’s your Stage Four to-do list:
1.Prioritize self-care. You’re in a fragile place right now, so taking care of yourself — even more than usual — is your top priority. Eat well, exercise regularly (even if all you can manage is a short walk), meditate, pray, or take an art class. Reinvest in hobbies that make you feel good, such as music or reading, and dedicate time to being with your friends. Find a therapist, life coach, or support group. These activities will take you out of your negative context and help you to gradually reconnect with your essential aliveness.
2.Understand your role in your relationship’s deterioration. We’re all human, which means we all have unhealthy patterns and ways of protecting ourselves that aren’t mindful of others’ pain or the trouble we cause them. Sometimes a small change on your part can have an almost magically positive effect on the relationship. For example, try expressing a few words of appreciation for something positive your partner has done, even though you may be feeling disconnected most of the time.
3.Slow down. Don’t let impulses and knee-jerk reactions rule you. Before reacting, give yourself time to fully register your needs and desires. For example, you may think you want to leave your partner when what you really want is to escape the pain of a stagnant relationship or a seemingly never-ending power struggle over the same infuriating things. If you can give yourself enough “break time” to soothe yourself and regain some measure of calm, you can begin to assess whether there’s something to salvage from your troubled partnership. Stay aware and deliberate. Leave the room, call a friend, or do some yoga or other exercise.
Stretch
Trust the process. If you’re not sure what to do next, then practice patience. Let go of the outcome until it becomes clear. In the meantime, just keep doing the work — investigating your own feelings, acknowledging your contributions to the problems, and identifying your true desires. The answer will emerge.
Stage Five, Wholehearted Love: Keep Practicing
First off, congratulations! If you’ve arrived at this stage, you and your partner are in a deeply rewarding place of caring and connectedness. That isn’t to say Stage Five comes without challenges. Like deep meditative awareness or the perfect yoga session, wholeheartedness is a joyful experience but not a permanent one. It’s a place we can sometimes contact and live from, no question. But for every one of us, wholehearted love is an ongoing practice that demands daily intentions, daily actions, and daily choices.
Here’s your Stage Five to-do list:
1.Practice, practice, practice. All the skills you’ve developed as you’ve moved through the other stages — grounding yourself in reality, addressing conflicts directly, creating healthy boundaries, and investing in doing the work — are the same skills that will keep you on the path to wholeheartedness.
2.Nourish yourself. Wholehearted love requires both partners to continually sustain their own wholeness, in addition to meeting the needs of the relationship. In many ways, the relationship itself is a tool for cultivating each individual’s own personal growth. Remember to continue investing in your own passions, self-care rituals, self-exploration, and inner work, whatever that might mean for you. Gently encourage your partner to do the same. Help each other grow into better versions of yourselves in all sectors of your lives.
3.Relish the journey. Humor, playfulness, and spontaneity will be your friends in this stage. Use them freely as you continue to learn and expand with your partner. Be ready to laugh at yourselves, as Tim and I do when we suddenly realize we’re having the same ancient, ridiculous argument about how to do the dishes. For us, the difference is that it’s now about a 1 on the scale of annoyance rather than a 10. Chapter 16 explores the bridges toward wholehearted love, and I urge you to take some time to explore them.
4.Know that there will always be new challenges. Hurdles are not signs something is wrong. Living life, even from a place of wholeheartedness, is like walking through a labyrinth. You find detours, twists, and turns, and just when you think you’re near the center, you come across another detour you didn’t expect. Sometimes, though, when you think you are a long way from where you want to be, the obstacles disappear, and you are there.
As in a labyrinth, we can walk part of the way with another person, but we must also walk by ourselves. Sometimes, the path opens for two; other times, it is only wide enough for one. Wholehearted loving is as much a commitment to that path as an individual as a commitment to the relationship.
Centering the Self
Understanding the five stages of the Love Cycle and how to navigate through the painful and limiting ones can help you transform a good relationship into a great one. This framework can help everyone — from those starting a new relationship with the intention of avoiding some of the sinkholes of the past to those in a committed partnership with long-standing conflicts they haven’t been able to resolve as yet. It will help you re-create the trust, humor, and intimacy that first brought you together and teach you that conflicts — even the hardest ones — don’t need to take away love. In fact, you can use them to deepen your connection, heal your own historical wounds, and expand your empathy and insight.
Ultimately, the entire point of the Love Cycles philosophy — in a relationship and in all of life’s cycles — is to continually move ourselves toward a state of wholeheartedness. It involves developing deep, mindful self-awareness and self-compassion as well as a willingness to work on the parts of ourselves that are small-hearted, closed-hearted, or brokenhearted — behaviors that stop us from accessing generosity, vulnerability, trust, and joy in our lives.
In relationships, wholeheartedness also means practicing the art of differentiation: understanding your partner is not you and accepting that you have no control over the other person’s choices. As intimate as we may feel at times, we are not one another. Even so-called soulmates who spend decades in love will eventually part, if not through life’s challenges, then through death. That means true wholeness cannot come from another person. It must come from within.
In the chapters that follow, you will learn skills to help you realize your full potential and that of your intimate relationship. An important side benefit is that these skills will also help you better navigate other vital relationships in your life, including, most importantly, your relationship with yourself.
