Читать книгу AGREEMENTS: Lessons I Chose on My Journey toward the Light - Linda Stein-Luthke - Страница 10

Daddy was a great believer in psychiatry and decided that both Bobbie and I were in need of therapy. Bobbie never complained. I complained too much. So, once a year he sent me for a checkup. The diagnosis was always the same. “She’s fine. She’s the only one with her ego intact. Her demands and complaints are actually rational. Leave her be.”

You see, Daddy thought I should be happy to want to help with the needs of the family. After all, that was how he was raised. He had to sacrifice for the sake of his family. Mother also had to sacrifice after her father died of alcoholism. She was the oldest of four children and the responsibility of the children’s care thus fell to my mother when my grandmother went to work to support the family.

I didn’t see it that way. What I did see was that my oldest sister went away to college. My middle sister was about to leave for school and I was left at home to care for my brother. Not only was I wearing all their hand-me-downs, now I was to quietly accept that they would have all the freedom they needed to pursue their goals while I remained compliantly at home to take care of my mother and brother.

What was fair about that? My school activities and partying were drastically curtailed because of the family demands. I just wanted mother to get well and take care of the baby she had chosen to have.

My parents sent me to a lake-side camp at the end of that first summer. There, some kids and I were asked to move a few big stones from the shore of the lake. I picked up a stone and collapsed in a heap with a searing pain in my back. The staff took me for x-rays. At the hospital the doctor found I had a spinal deformity stemming from a birth defect that impacted on my spinal cord. No more heavy lifting for me!

I came home and rested, and was told I should wear a brace and take extra care to help straighten and strengthen my spine. The brace was out of the question in my mind. It would only make me look even more different from the other kids than I already did. The fact that my back curved in a bizarre way had not escaped my attention. I had already decided that I was deformed and wore my clothing to cover this deformity as much as possible. The brace would only make matters worse. I refused. And, as soon as I felt better, the baby was back on my hip. My physical condition was largely ignored because my parents were too absorbed by their own needs. They conveyed the message that they needed me more than I could need them.

Then, just when I thought matters couldn’t get worse, Daddy lost the business and our new home, and Mother was going to have to go back to work.

My social circle simply couldn’t hang on to me while my life was changing so dramatically. I had two Jewish friends who stayed with me during this period, but the Christian friends were gone. Mother felt her prediction was validated. I was devastated.

We rented a home in a less desirable neighborhood. Mother took tests to become a licensed RN and returned to work on the night shift so she could be home with the baby during some of the day. I took on more responsibilities and basically had the baby most evenings; Daddy did home sales while Mother worked as a nurse. Both my sisters were still away from home. My oldest sister, Sandy was now married and Bobbie was in her freshman year at school.

I picked up my two year old brother from the babysitter every day, took him home, did homework and made dinner. After the baby went to bed, I finally had time for me.

I buried myself in books and romantic love songs. I escaped any way I could.

And then I met the love of my life. There was a real escape!

Barry was a blind date. A friend had fixed Bobbie and me up with two guys from Cleveland who had come to Akron for a party. When the boys walked through the door, even though I’d never set eyes on either boy before, I knew instantly which one was my date. And I heard, “He will be the father of your sons.”

This was the first time I’d heard any kind of voice. But silly as it was in the current context of my life, I quietly responded, “Okay.”

I then allowed myself to be distracted as I examined the young man standing before me. He was breathtakingly handsome. It was the end of summer, and he was deeply tanned. His jet-black hair hung over his forehead and highlighted his startling green eyes framed by thick black lashes. I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life. He was charming, adorable, and Jewish!

We went over to our friend’s house for the party. Since Sandy was home visiting, I had the evening off. How luxurious! We danced and talked and then he kissed me. I knew I heard bells ring in my head.

I didn’t care that he’d flunked out of his first year at college or that he was about to join the Navy since he’d been in ROTC and there was no way out. I didn’t care that he already had a girlfriend and that this night was just to be a fling, nothing serious. He was mine. He was mine. He was mine. And he was going to save me from all the unhappiness of my life. I was going to be 17 in less than a month and I was as sure as any young woman could be that I knew the rest of my life’s story, and he was in it.