Читать книгу Christmas Kisses Collection - Джанис Мейнард, Louise Allen - Страница 26

LANCE KNELT BESIDE the grave, thinking himself crazy for being at a cemetery at this time of night. The show hadn’t ended until after nine, and by the time he’d realized where he’d been headed it had been almost eleven.

He hadn’t consciously decided to go to Shelby’s grave, but it’s where his car had taken him. Maybe it was where he needed to go to put things into proper perspective.

Because for a few minutes he’d allowed himself to look into McKenzie’s eyes while she’d sung to him and he’d acknowledged the truth.

He was in love with her.

Right or wrong, he loved her.

And she loved him. Perhaps he’d always known she felt that way, had seen the truth in her eyes when she’d looked at him, had felt the truth in her touch, in her kiss.

She looked at him the way her mother looked at Yves. The way his mother looked at his father. The way his grandmother looked at his grandfather.

Tonight, while she’d sung to him, McKenzie had looked at him with her heart shining through every word.

In the past she’d fought that feeling, had been determined not to allow herself to be hurt by making the mistakes her parents had made. Tonight she’d put everything on the line and he’d felt exhilarated to realize she was there for him, that she loved him and wanted him.

Then reality had set in.

He wasn’t free to accept her love, to return her love. He’d vowed his love to another he owed everything to.

And he’d resented his vow. He’d resented Shelby.

The guilt of that resentment sickened him.

“Forgive me, Shelby. Forgive me for that night. Forgive me for not keeping you safe,” he pleaded over the grave, much as he had many times in the past.

“Forgive me for still being here when you’re not.”

Wasn’t that the crux of the matter?

He’d lived and Shelby hadn’t.

How many times had he wished he could give his life for hers?

Standing at this very graveside, he’d vowed that his heart would always belong to her, that he’d never love another, never marry another. Even at seventeen he hadn’t been so naive as to think he’d spend his life alone, so he had dated over the years, had been in relationships, but not once had he ever been tempted to sway from his promise to Shelby.

Until tonight.

Until McKenzie.

With McKenzie everything had changed.

With McKenzie he wanted everything.

Because he really did want McKenzie.

“Forgive me, Shelby. Forgive me for the way I feel about McKenzie. You’d like her, you know. She’s a lot like what you might have been at her age. She loves to run, just as you did. And she’s a doctor, just as you always planned to be. And I love her, just as I planned to always love you.”

Guilt ripped through him.

He swiped at moisture on his face.

This was crazy. Why was he here? Then again, he felt crazy. He’d told everyone at the Senior Citizen Center his most guarded secret. He’d told them he’d essentially murdered Shelby.

The authorities hadn’t seen it that way. Neither had Shelby’s parents or his own family. She’d been eighteen to his seventeen. She’d been caught drinking in the past, he’d been a stupid kid trying to fit in with her older friends, but he knew that he shouldn’t have been drinking or driving.

Memories of that night assailed him. For years he’d blocked them from his mind, not wanting to remember.

Shelby dancing. Shelby smiling and laughing. Shelby so full of life. And liquor. She’d been full of that, too.

She’d wanted more, had been going to take his car to get more, and he’d argued with her.

Even with being under the influence himself, he’d known she’d been in no shape to drive. Unfortunately, neither had he been and he’d known it, refusing to give her his keys.

She’d taken off running into the darkness, calling out over her shoulder that if he wouldn’t take her, she’d just run there.

He should have let her. She’d have run herself sober.

Instead, to the teasing of her friends that he couldn’t control his girlfriend, he’d climbed into his car and driven down the road to pick her up.

But he hadn’t been taking her to the liquor store when he’d wrecked the car.

He’d been taking her home.

They’d been arguing, her saying she should have known he was a baby, rather than a man.

He’d been mad, had denied her taunts, reminded her of just how manly she’d said he was earlier that evening, and in the blink of the eye she’d grabbed at the steering wheel and he’d lost control of his car and hit the tree.

The rest had come in bits and pieces.

Waking up, not realizing he’d wrecked the car. The smells of oil, gas and blood.

That was the first time he’d realized blood had such a strong odor. His car had been full of it. His blood. Shelby’s blood.

He’d become aware of people outside the car, working to free them from the crumpled metal, but then he’d lost consciousness again until they’d been pulling him from the car.

Shelby had still been inside.

“I can’t leave her,” he’d told them.

“We’ve got her, son,” a rescue worker had said. “We’re taking you both to the hospital.”

“Tell her I love her,” he’d said. “That I will always love her.”

“We will, son. They’re putting her in the helicopter right now, but I’ll see to it she gets the message.”

“Tell her now. Please. Tell her now.” He’d tried to get free, to go to her, but his body hadn’t worked, and he’d never got to tell her. He had no idea if the rescue worker had carried through with his promise or not.

But as soon as Lance had been released from the hospital, he’d told Shelby himself.

Kneeling exactly where he currently knelt.

He’d been guilt-ridden then. He was just as guilt-ridden now.

“I’m so sorry, Shelby. I love her. In ways I didn’t know I could love, I love McKenzie.”

He continued to talk, saying all the things that were in his heart.

For the first time peace came over Lance. Peace and self-forgiveness. Oh, there was a part of him that would never completely let go of the guilt he felt that he’d made such bad choices that night, but whether it was the late hour or his own imagination he felt Shelby’s presence, felt her forgiveness, her desire for him to let go and move on with his life.

Was he being self-delusional? Believing what he wanted to believe because he wanted McKenzie?

“I need a sign, Shelby. Give me a sign that you really do forgive me,” he pleaded into the darkness.

That was when he looked up and saw a ghost.

McKenzie couldn’t stay in the shadows any longer. For the past half hour she had leaned against a large headstone, crying, not knowing whether to make her presence known or not. She hadn’t purposely tried to keep her presence from him initially. He just had been so lost in his thoughts, in his confessions that he hadn’t noticed her.

Lance had run away from her.

Only he loved her. She’d known he loved her even before she’d heard his heart-wrenching words, and she hadn’t been willing to give him up without a fight. Especially not to someone who’d been gone for over fifteen years.

She’d listened to him, cried with him and for him from afar, and had prayed for him to find forgiveness, to be able to let his guilt go.

When he’d asked for a sign she’d swear she’d felt a hard shove on her back, making her stumble forward, almost falling in the process.

“Shelby?”

Her heart broke at the anguish in his voice. “It’s McKenzie, Lance.”

Wiping at his eyes, he stood. “McKenzie? What are you doing here?”

“I followed you.”

“You followed me from the Senior Citizen Center?”

“It wasn’t difficult as slowly as you drive.” Which she now finally understood. He liked his fast sports car, but never got it up over the speed limit.

“I didn’t see you.”

“I didn’t think you had. I sat in my car for a few minutes after you first got here. I realized where you were going and was going to give you privacy, but it’s after midnight and we’re at a cemetery and I’ll admit I got a little freaked out, sitting in my car by myself.”

“You shouldn’t be here, McKenzie.”

Yeah, he might think that.

“You’re wrong. This is exactly where I should be. Right beside you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You love me,” she told him. “And I love you. And maybe you love her, too, but she isn’t here anymore.” At least, McKenzie didn’t think she was. That had been her imagination playing tricks on her when she’d felt that shove. “I am here, Lance. I used to be terrified that I’d make all the same mistakes my parents made, but I’m not anymore. I’m not like my father, although I may be more like my mother than I realized. You told me that my father did those things because he loved himself more than my mother or me.”

“I shouldn’t have said that, McKenzie.”

“Sure you should have. You were right. But guess what, Lance Donovan Spencer? I love you that much. I love you enough to know that you are who I want, that you are the man I admire above all others, that you are the person I love enough to know that being faithful won’t be a problem because I don’t want anyone but you.”

“Don’t admire me, McKenzie. I’m not worthy. You heard what I admitted to back at the Senior Citizen Center.”

“I heard and I love you all the more for it.”

In the moonlight, she saw the confusion on his face. “How can you love me for something I detest myself for?”

“Because in the face of adversity you learned from the lessons life threw at you and you became a wonderful man who is constantly doing things for others, who is constantly trying to save others from the agony he suffers every day, from Shelby’s fate.”

“You make me sound like a hero. I’m not.”

“To me, you are a hero. You are my hero, Lance. You’re the man who made me know what love is, both to feel and to receive it.”

He closed his eyes.

“Don’t try to tell me you don’t love me, because I heard you say it,” she warned. “But I already knew, deep down, I knew. That’s why I sang to you, why I followed you. Because of love and my trust in that love.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“I’m stubborn and prideful and prone to run when things get sticky, but take a look at these.” She raised one foot up off the ground. While she’d been sitting in her car, waiting for him to come back to his, she’d changed out of her heels and into the pair of running shoes he’d given her. “See these? My man gave them to me for Valentine’s Day so I could run to him. He doesn’t know it yet, but I have a pair for him in my car so, that way, the next time he runs, he can run to me, too.”

“You knew I was going to run away tonight?”

“My singing is pretty bad. I wasn’t expecting you to swoon with the sudden realization that everything was going to be perfect.”

“Your singing was beautiful.”

“I’ve heard of being blinded by love, but I’m pretty sure you must be tone-deaf from love.”

“I do love you, McKenzie.”

“I know.”

“I made Shelby a promise.”

“One you’ve kept all these years. It’s time to let go. You asked Shelby to give you a sign, Lance. I’m that sign. The way we feel about each other.” She wrapped her arms around him and leaned her forehead against his chin. “I don’t need you to forget Shelby. She’s part of what’s made you into the man you are, the man I love, but you have to let the guilt go. You can’t change the past, only the future. I want to be your future.”

“What are you saying, McKenzie?”

“That I want a lot more than two months to see what the future holds for us.”

Lance held the woman in his arms tightly to him. He couldn’t believe she was here, that they were standing by Shelby’s grave at midnight.

He couldn’t believe McKenzie was laying her heart on the line, telling him how much she cared.

“If we do this,” he warned, his heart pounding in his chest, “I’m never going to let you go, you do realize that?”

She snuggled closer to him and held on tight. “Maybe you weren’t paying attention, but that’s the idea.”