Читать книгу Christmas Kisses Collection - Джанис Мейнард, Louise Allen - Страница 39

CHANCE HAD BEEN miserable before. But never on this level. He missed Ellen with a vengeance. Everything that happened at the clinic reminded him of her. Each child they saw he imagined Ellen teasing a smile out of him or her. Anytime an unusual case came in he wanted to discuss it with her.

The nights were the worst. He wanted Ellen in his arms. All he had to do was look at his hammock on his porch and think of those moments they had spent there. Taking a shower became something to dread instead of something to look forward to at the end of a long hot day. It reminded him too much of standing in the falls with Ellen.

How had she managed to fill all the cracks in his life to the point he almost needed her to breathe?

His staff had taken to not asking him anything unless it was medically related. He’d given the bare minimum of information about Ellen’s and his time on the run. But beyond that he didn’t want to talk about the fear, guilt and relief he’d suffered through over the three days they had been in the jungle and, worse, those when she had been so sick. He certainly didn’t want to discuss those intense life-changing moments when he and Ellen had made love.

Love. That had been such an elusive emotion in his life he would have sworn he had no idea what it was. Then in had waltzed Dr. Ellen Cox. Bright smile, infallible attitude, and fortitude that could withstand the worst situation. And it had. He needed someone in his life like that, but did she need someone in hers like him?

A guy who felt he had nothing to offer her. One who chose to work in a developing country. A dangerous one. With Ellen’s background, would she really be content to live and work here with him? She had seemed to love it when she was here as much as he did. Would she feel the same way after she fully recovered?

Anticipation and insecurity hit him at the same time. He’d given up on having a wife, really caring for someone, long ago. But Ellen had him thinking Can I? again.

She deserved someone who could sustain an ongoing relationship. He’d not ever managed to do so. Was it possible for him? History said no. Could he learn? The real question was that if he wanted Ellen, was he willing to try?

She’d been disappointed in him when she’d found out he had a sister that he didn’t stay in contact with. Maybe he should start there. Would Abigail be interested in seeing him? Could they be a family after all these years? Did they even have anything in common outside being from the same dysfunctional family? Every fiber in his being said Ellen would be pleased to know he’d tried. That alone was enough reason to make an effort. But something deep inside him was screaming for him to do it for himself as well. See if he could handle a relationship.

Ellen wiped her cheek and declared she’d shed her last tear over Chance Freeman. She’d not heard anything from him in the six weeks since she had been home. Not a word.

She was cycling though the steps of grief and she was firmly on anger. As far as she was concerned, she could stay on that emotion for a long time. If she saw him now it might be dangerous for him.

Michael had called and invited her out to lunch the Saturday after Thanksgiving. She had been tickled to see him. He’d filled her in on what had been going on with the clinic and had told her a few funny stories about the patients but that was about it. She was hungry for information about Chance but the only thing Michael had said was that he would be home during the Christmas holidays.

How could Chance act this way after what they had shared in the jungle? After she had exposed her heart? Had she misjudged the type of person Chance was? Keeping the resentment at bay was difficult. Even when her mother had died she hadn’t felt this abandoned. She hadn’t had a choice. Chance did. If anyone should know how she was feeling it should be him. So why didn’t he care enough to do something about it?

When he did come to the States, would he call her? Ask to see her? How could a man be so smart yet so dense? She clenched her teeth, almost as angry with herself for caring as she was with Chance.

That went for her father as well. He’d been harping on at her for weeks to take a job at the big teaching hospital in the city. He’d even had one of his buddies call and put in a good word for her. Today was the day that they had the talk that was long overdue.

She had given her apartment up when she’d left for Honduras so her father had insisted that she stay with him until she figured out what she was going to do next. That wasn’t a question. She already knew what she was going to do. Return to Honduras, and if not there then someplace that really needed her.

Her father had had a fit when she had announced the week before that she was on the schedule at the clinic where she had worked in the city. The conversation had gone something like, you could have been killed, you are lucky to be alive, you should be grateful, you need to think about what you are doing. She didn’t expect today’s discussion to go much better but what she had to say needed to be said.

Chance had accused her of being reckless. She’d never thought of herself that way. Her father had put her in a box of protection that she had wanted to get out of but which had made her take chances. When her mother had died she’d learned at a young age that life was short, but had she really become irresponsible with her decisions?

The last thing she wanted to do was put anyone in danger. She knew from her and her mother’s accident that poor decisions could cause horrible outcomes. Did she get so caught up in what she wanted that she didn’t think about others? Had she been reckless where Chance was concerned?

She’d made reservations at her and her father’s favorite café and arrived early enough that she had gotten them a table in the back. Despite the hustle and bustle of Christmas shoppers stopping for a break, they would have a quiet place to talk.

“How’re you feeling?” her father asked, after he’d kissed her and taken his seat.

He was a large, burly man who looked out of place in a suit despite having worn one most of his life. Ellen liked nothing better than being pulled into one of his bear hugs. They had never had a real disagreement until she had informed him she was going to Honduras. She had not left on good terms and had returned to him telling her he’d told her so. Today’s conversation wouldn’t be an easy one.

“Much better. I’m not having to sit down as often at work as I did the first few days.”

“You went through some ordeal. Dr. Freeman didn’t tell me a lot but from the look of you when you got to the plane you had been close to death.”

Her father had come for her himself. Had even brought their private doctor with him.

The waitress came to their table for their order.

“I’ll have afternoon tea,” Ellen told her.

“I’ll have the same,” her father said. As the waitress moved away he continued, “I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had lost you. It isn’t fair to put me through something like that. Sometimes you’re so like your mother.”

There it was. The guilt. Had her mother really been reckless or just enjoying life? Even if Ellen was like her mother, her feelings and desires had merit. She deserved to live her own life.

“I’m sorry. Maybe I do need to be more careful but that doesn’t mean I need to give up my dreams just to make you happy.”

She had to make it clear she wasn’t going to live in a bubble just for him. That she needed his love and support but not at the cost of what she wanted. She’d learned life was too short for that. More recently, and in the past.

“Dad, it didn’t happen to you. I was the one who had the reaction to the spider bite.”

“Yes, but I was the one scared to death that I might lose you.”

What little she could remember about Chance after she’d become sick, he had been scared too but he had still praised her for her strength, encouraged her to keep going. He’d been concerned about her but had never wanted to hold her back. Her father wanted to do just that.

“Yeah, it was pretty frightening in parts. But I’m here.”

“And that’s where I want you to stay.”

“That’s what I want to talk to you about.”

His bushy brows rose.

“Daddy, I’m going back to Honduras if the clinic will have me. If not, then I’ll go to another Central American country to work.”

Her father’s palm slapped on the table, rattling the silverware. “Haven’t you had enough? After what happened to you?”

“Daddy, I know you love me. I know I’m all you have. But this is something I’m compelled to do. I’m grown, heaven’s sake I’m a doctor. I’m needed there. I wished you would understand but if you don’t, that is fine. I have to go anyway.”

Her father studied her. “Does this have something to do with Dr. Freeman?”

She looked away. “Some, but not all.”

“That’s what I thought. I had him checked out. He’s known for having women falling for him.”

Her chest tightened. She could understand why. She certainly had. “That may be so but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t do good work. That the Traveling Clinic doesn’t have value.”

“There’s plenty of work you can do here. Of value. Did you even talk to the hospital about the job?”

“Daddy, I’m not going to. That’s not where I belong.”

The waitress returned with their tea. They sat quietly until she had finished placing the tea stand in front of them and left.

“I love you, Daddy. I do, but I have to be true to myself. I know you have lost. I have too. I miss Mother every day. I know you worry about me. You’ve worked to protect me. But you can’t do that forever. I’ll get hurt. Bad things will happen to me. That’s life. What I need is your support. Encouragement.”

Her father ate without saying anything. He finally looked at her. His eyes glistened. The last time she’d seen him close to tears had been when he’d sat beside her bed in the hospital and had had to tell her that her mother had died.

“I love you dearly. The only thing I’ve ever wanted to do was keep you safe. See that you were cared for.”

“You have.”

“I do support you. Want the best for you, but you can’t stop me from worrying about you.”

She placed her hand on his arm. “I know and I love you for it.”

For the rest of their time together they talked about their plans for Christmas and what gifts they might like to receive. They were pulling on their coats to go out into the snowy weather when Ellen asked, “Dad, have you ever thought about dating? You’re still a young man.”

Those brows of his rose again. “What brought that on?”

She tugged at his lapel, lifting in around his neck. “I just think that everyone should share their life with someone who cares about them. You’ve concentrated on me long enough. It’s time for you to live.”

“Have you found someone you want to share your life with?”

“I thought I had.”

Her father kissed her forehead and tucked her arm though his. “One thing I’ve learned in this life is that anything can happen.”

Did she dare hope?

She returned to her father’s penthouse to prepare for her shift at the clinic that evening. An envelope lay waiting on the table in the hall with her name on it. Inside was an invitation to a gala event to benefit the Honduras Traveling Clinic.

Would Chance attend? Did she care if he did?

Chance had been in the States a week. There had been meetings at the foundation and a couple of speaking engagements. Ellen constantly called to him. If he went to her would she even speak to him after so much time had passed? She had to be mad. He couldn’t blame her.

He’d kept tabs on how she was doing. Once he had called and spoken to her father. Not known for being easily intimidated, Chance’s conversation with Mr. Cox had been an uneasy one. He was a man who loved his daughter deeply and Chance had put her in danger. It wasn’t something her father was going to forgive quickly. Their discussion had been to the point but Chance had learned what his heart so desperately wanted to know. Ellen was doing well. Had recovered. For that Chance would be forever grateful.

He also checked up on her through Michael. He had seen her at Thanksgiving and Chance was jealous. What he wouldn’t give to just see her for a second. Make sure for himself she was fine.

When Michael had returned he’d had enough compassion for Chance that he hadn’t made him ask about Ellen. Michael had offered right off that he’d had lunch with Ellen.

“She’s back at work at the same inner-city clinic she was at before she came down here.” Michael had spoken to everyone at the dinner table but had given Chance a pointed look. “Says she coming back here or another Central American country as soon as the doctor gives her a complete release. Which should be soon.”

Karen spoke up. “We sure could use her here.”

In more ways than one. Chance ached with the need to touch her, hold her. See her smile.

“You should talk to her when we you go to the States next week, Chance. Get her to consider coming back here,” Pete added.

“Yes, you should speak to her,” Michael stated. “She asked how everyone is doing.”

Michael looked at him again. There was a deeper meaning to his words, he was sure.

Would Ellen really want to see him? He’d done the one thing that could destroy her trust.

Called her father. She’d said she wanted his love. Could he give it? Take a chance on her leaving him? Maybe she had changed her mind. After all, their relationship had been during a fight for life. They’d been emotionally strung out. Had what she’d said about wanting love been in the heat of the moment?

What Ellen had done was make him determined to contact his sister. See if he could repair that bridge. He’d put off seeing her long enough. Gripping the phone with a knot in his throat, he remembered what they’d said to each other at their father’s funeral. She’d invited him to their father’s house for the will reading. Chance had had no interest in ever going there again. He’d told her she could have the house and everything else, that he only wanted the cabin. It was about two hours away and gave him a home base when he was in country.

“But you’ll keep in touch, won’t you? I would like to know how you are doing.”

Chance had just nodded, making no commitment. She’d called him a few times but when he’d not returned them the calls had become fewer then died away. His sister had left him too. Or was it more like he’d pushed her way? Had he done the same with Ellen?

The phone rang almost long enough that Chance thought he had a reprieve. Just as he was preparing to hang up a woman answered.

“May I speak to Abigail? Tell her it’s Chance.”

“Chance?” The sound of disbelief had him regretting so many things he’d left undone and unsaid.

“Abigail?”

“Yes.”

“I’m in town until after the Christmas holidays and I was wondering if you would like to have lunch?”

The pause was so long that he was afraid she might have hung up. Then there was a sniffle on the other end of the line. “Why don’t you come here for dinner? Tomorrow night at six.”

“Okay, I’ll be there.”

Chance drove up the drive to the large Tudor-style home built among the trees in an affluent neighborhood. This was his childhood home. There were few happy memories here for him.

He stood outside the front door for a minute before he knocked. As if she was standing behind it, waiting for him, the door opened and Abigail reached out and took him in her arms. “It’s about time, Chance-man.”

That had been her nickname for him growing up. He forgotten about it.

“It’s about time.” Now she was using that big-sister reprimand voice.

“I know. I should have come before.”

She pulled him into the house and closed the door. Her husband and children waited in the hall. The excitement in her voice couldn’t be denied. “Stan, Chance is here. Wendy and Jonathan.”

Chance was caught up in a whirlwind of hugs and hellos. What had he missed all these years?

Dinner was served in the same room where dinner had been served when his father had come home but this time it wasn’t a meeting of a family that was unsure of each other but of one glad to see each other. Chance hadn’t enjoyed a meal more since Ellen had left.

To his great surprise, his sister knew about his work and the family had numerous questions about the Travelling Clinic and Honduras. The discussion was open and frank, with none of the tension he’d expected.

As the kitchen help began clearing the table, Abigail suggested they have coffee in the other room. The living room was the same place but the furniture had been replaced with a more modern version. What really held Chance’s attention were the pictures. They were of the smiling and happy group of people who now lived in the house. There were even a couple of pictures of him and Abigail as children. Here he had been part of a family and hadn’t even known it. Abigail had not abandoned him.

Her husband and children joined them for a while but slowly drifted away as if they were giving him and Abigail a chance to talk.

“Chance, I’m so glad you are here. I have missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” To his amazement he meant it.

“I’m sorry we’ve been so distant for so long. I wished it had been different.”

He did too, but couldn’t admit it out loud.

“I should have done better as the older sister in keeping in touch. I shouldn’t have given up. You are my family.”

She had cared. Abigail had carried a burden as well. “There wasn’t anything you could have done. That was on me.”

“When you came home from school at Christmas you were so different. I couldn’t seem to reach you any more. After Daddy died you just never came around again. It was like you blamed me as well as Dad for sending you away.”

He had. His mother had been gone. His father hadn’t wanted him and his sister had said she couldn’t take him. There had been nothing secure in his life and he’d wanted nothing to do with her betrayal.

“I wish I could have made it different for you. Fixed it so you could stay with me, but Daddy would have none of it. He said I was too young to see about you and that you were going to learn to behave. That sending you off to school was the way to do it. I fought for you but he wouldn’t let you stay.”

All this time Chance had believed she hadn’t wanted him around. Had blamed her.

“Those weren’t happy years for me either and I know they weren’t for you. I hated that we were separated. I hated more that you wanted nothing to do with me. After a while I didn’t know how to bridge the gap. Then you wouldn’t let me and I stopped trying.”

“Part of that is my fault.”

“Then let’s just start here and go forward. Promise me we’ll see each other often. After all, we are family.”

Family. That sounded good. “You have my word.”

“We’ll see you at Christmas.” It wasn’t a question but a statement.

“I’ll be here.”

“Chance, you may not want to talk about this but I just want to let you know that I saved your half of the inheritance for you. It’s been in the bank, waiting on you.”

He would never have thought he would be interested in the money but he knew where he could put it to good use. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I would’ve never felt right about keeping it.”

After his evening with Abigail and her family Chance saw his past and his sister in a different light. Had he been unjust in his view of Ellen too?

Could he humble himself and beg enough to convince her he loved her and would never let her go again? He could if that was what it took to rid himself of the unceasing ache for her.