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INTRODUCTION

Finding My Way to Limitless

IN MY EARLY twenties, this was my life: I drank alcohol excessively, smoked cigarettes, and regularly ate greasy Chinese food from the mall food court. I was mostly sedentary: I worked a desk job, and my evenings revolved around my couch and several glasses of wine. The only time I exercised was in fleeting three-day bursts in an attempt to fix my unhealthy lifestyle.

No matter how hard I tried to change, I would fall off the wagon and revert to my old habits. I promised myself every single night that the next day would be different. It never was. What was I doing wrong? My sporadic and extreme attempts to incorporate fitness and healthy eating into my life were accompanied by a heavy dose of self-loathing, and I became trapped in a vicious cycle of indulgence and self-denial.

Most days I woke up hung over. As I pulled myself out of bed, my body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. I would take a long shower to try to wash it all away—the nicotine that lingered on my skin, the feelings of self-hatred, the fatigue. Standing in front of the mirror, I would ask myself: “How did I get here?”

I felt a great deal of anxiety due to my lack of self-control and the impact my unhealthy habits had on my body. I felt trapped and unfulfilled, a long way from the “ideal” woman I imagined I could be. During my days working a job I didn’t love, I projected the image of a happy, normal young woman. I would push down my internal upheaval and put on a smile. I hung out with friends, attended office functions, and spent time with my boyfriend. On the outside, things looked fairly normal. On the inside, I was full of sadness and turmoil.

At the time, I worked at a downtown law firm. Each morning on my way to work I walked past high-end fashion stores, windows glistening with shiny, large-scale posters of long, lean supermodels. Athletic apparel stores displayed photos of tanned, toned women wearing nearly nothing over their perfect skin. The women in these pictures seemed to have it together. I did not.

I lived this way for nearly a decade. I consumed junk food, alcohol, and cigarettes to smother my bad feelings. This only made me more resentful and self-blaming because I could never reach my ideal self. My life was limited in every way. I thought the way out was to lose weight and shape myself into the feminine ideal that bombarded me from every direction: if only I too could be a size 4, happiness would shine down on me.

I tried counting calories, fat grams, and points. I avoided carbs, ate nothing but cabbage soup, survived on protein shakes, and consumed only pre-packaged diet foods. I restricted my food intake and then binged from white-knuckled deprivation. None of it worked. It only made me feel worse.

I felt alone, broken, and full of shame. I didn’t yet know that I was one among countless women in this spin cycle of diet routines. Maybe you can relate. Maybe that is why you picked up this book.

In 2012, a report by ABC News revealed that 108 million Americans were actively dieting at the time.¹ These dieters, roughly a third of the U.S. population, 85 percent of whom are women, will make four to five attempts each year to lose weight. These women are real people, just like you and me. They have hopes and dreams. They feel stuck, just like I did, and perhaps just like you do now.

Dieting will likely never be the thing that makes us happy and free.

To triumph, we need to resolve what might be broken inside us and shine a light on what drives us to believe that our value depends on our dress size. It all comes back to our cultural perceptions of weight. The diet industry reaps approximately 20 billion dollars off the weight-loss efforts of dieters. Statistics show that only 5 percent of dieters will make it to their ideal weight and maintain it for five or more years. The diet industry’s profit model depends on the failure of people like you and me.

Why do we continue to buy in? Why did I starve myself, binge from deprivation, and succumb to every gimmick on the market? I was desperate to fit in. Perhaps you feel this way too. We live in a culture obsessed with a feminine ideal that is extremely thin. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame me. This is not our fault. Our society imposes these beliefs on us and at the root of all our insecurities is the weight-loss industry’s money-making machine.

I FANTASIZED ABOUT being the slim, athletic woman in the fitness store windows. I signed on the dotted line for a gym membership many times. I paid the fee every month but found gym culture intimidating and never went. Sometimes I went so far as to drive to the track before work. I smoked on the way over, trying to stifle the negative chatter in my head. I would attempt to run a few laps, breathing heavily and exhaling boozy breath, only to call it a day and light another cigarette. In those moments I remembered my athletic childhood, and as I smoked while the sun rose, I wondered what had happened to me.

Change came only when I hit rock bottom. Maybe you feel like you are there right now. It is a desperate and lonely place to be, but it is a position from which the only direction is up. From rock bottom, you can rise and build something new. At the age of twenty-nine, I made a conscious decision to change my life: to throw out the habits that were preventing me from being healthy and happy. I decided to adopt new, positive habits.

I had always dreamed of being a runner, even though I had never witnessed a woman like me achieving athletic feats. I found a local running program and resolved to reach for my athletic dreams, no matter what it took. This was the first step. Though I didn’t have a role model for an athlete in a bigger body I was determined to find her—or to create her. I didn’t have to wait long; I only had to look in the right place.

I signed up for a “Learn to Run 5K” group offered by my local running store. My desire to change my life had become stronger than my desire to stay in my comfort zone, and a new identity was brewing. There was a reckless fitness girl emerging who had finished with wallowing at rock bottom. She was ready to go to any lengths to pursue her athletic dreams. Reckless fitness girl was trying to break free while my old self was trying to take cover. As my two identities grappled, I was gripped by a tug of war between fear and excitement for change—but eventually reckless fitness girl triumphed and began to occupy my being.

As the start date for 5K training drew near, my anxiety mounted. My heart raced, my breathing was labored, and the tension in my shoulders was almost unbearable. What if I was the biggest? The slowest? What if I couldn’t keep up? But reckless fitness girl wouldn’t listen to the negative voice desperately trying to convince her to stay home. She pushed through, and I arrived there that first night, determined to try even if I felt like an imposter in my running clothes. I tried to look self-assured among the “real” runners. I’m sure I reeked of fear and self-consciousness, but it was all secondary to the churning emotions I felt about my debut at my new run club.

JUST AS I was about to take my seat among the runners crowding the store, a woman stood up in front of us and introduced herself as our run leader. When I turned my gaze toward her, I was shocked to see a plus-size woman decked out in running gear. Her name was Chris. When I looked at her, I saw an icon, a rock star, and a total game-changer. My crippling fear melted away; I was not alone. That night, as we hit the streets for our first run, I caught a glimpse of what was possible. Not only did I make it through the run (and not die!), but on the way home I couldn’t stop smiling. Chris never mentioned body size or weight loss. We were all athletes to her, on a mission to run hard, run strong, and run for healthy outcomes. Her passion for running was inspiring, and she taught me that by showing up and being there that first day, I was the only thing holding me back. I am here to share that message with you now.

You are capable of anything you set your mind to.

I started to find other examples of plus-size women accomplishing kick-ass feats in fitness who, along with Chris, fed my sense of belonging and helped me stay motivated. Jayne Williams, author of Slow Fat Triathlete, was working her way through the triathlon circuit and becoming a strong voice for women of size in the triathlon community. Cheryl Haworth was rocking the weightlifting events at the 2000 Summer Olympics and went on to become a three-time Olympian. The more I looked around, the more I noticed women of size standing up and participating.

Despite this, I still wanted to lose weight, but this desire took a backseat to the rewards of my physical achievements. I observed other plus-size women being recognized for their athleticism, and recognized the same potential in myself. We still have a long way to go, but the media are starting to wake up to examples of athletes just like you and me. Plus-size women are competing at the Olympics in weightlifting and track and field. They’re playing soccer, and they’re running triathlons and marathons. They’re training at fitness classes all around the world.

Throughout history, our plus-size male counterparts have been more visible, performing at elite levels in the NFL, in the boxing ring, and on the PGA tour. This is not a new concept. Plus-size athletes appear throughout Japanese history in sumo wrestling, the country’s national sport. In sumo, the bigger the body, the bigger the advantage and the more power behind the grapple.

When I opened my eyes and took a closer look, I found plus-size athletes in small pockets throughout society. This discovery was the beginning of my belief that big bodies can also be fit and athletic bodies. My entire outlook on what was possible changed dramatically. In my mind, the size of my body was no longer a barrier to becoming an athlete, and I started to feel unstoppable. Your body size is not a barrier for you either. You too can be unstoppable.

I began running regularly, and with a few races under my belt, I ventured into cross-training. I hired a personal trainer, Amanda, to support me as I learned how to lift weights. Like Chris, she never treated me differently because of my body size. She pushed me to become more and more of an athlete. After several months of working together, she asked me if I wanted to help her as a run leader for a “Learn to Run 10K” clinic. After running for a few years, I was now in the position to be just like Chris: to inspire and lead new runners to their first finish line. The old, frightened me wanted to say no. The new, reckless fitness girl said, “Hell yes!”

The next thirteen weeks were the most rewarding of my life as I helped lead a group of people to their first 10K race. On the day of the race, I guided the group through sun and rain; we ran like warriors who couldn’t be stopped. Not long before, I had been where they were, and I knew what they were feeling—a combination of worry, doubt, and hope. On race day I reflected on how far I had come and was grateful I had allowed myself to pay it forward. From that moment, I was hooked on leading others to achieve their athletic dreams. From there it was a short path to becoming a certified fitness professional, quitting my unfulfilling day job, and creating an innovative fitness company geared toward helping plus-size women achieve their athletic dreams.

Whether you are an avid walker, a triathlete, a ballroom dancer, or an Olympic weightlifter, or if you aspire to be all these things and more, your presence as a plus-size woman working out in our society is creating a much-needed shift. And because we don’t see women of size as much as we need to in advertising, television, movies, or other media, it’s up to us—you and me—to inspire others to join our ranks.

Athletes come in all shapes and sizes. Everyone needs to know this. When society as a whole starts to recognize plus-size athleticism as something real and measurable, the resulting profound social shift will improve the lives of everybody. People will become less judgmental, more women will engage in physical exercise, and their fear of gym culture will be reduced. If members of the plus-size community could see themselves represented in sports and athletics, our world would change dramatically—for the better.

Since the day I walked into my first running clinic fifteen years ago, I have trained and interacted with thousands of plus-size women. I’ve helped them realize their athletic potential simply by showing up and giving back what was given to me. I see amazing fitness feats from women of all shapes and sizes and I love watching their own reckless fitness girl emerge and take over. It is equally gratifying to watch their mindset change from diet girl to Big Fit Girl. I know that they are unstoppable and limitless—and you can be too.

I am living proof that this true. I found a different approach to fitness, and it changed my life. Ever since, I’ve committed my life as a trainer with my own fitness business to showing women of size how to reach their athletic dreams. Through my own story, personal profiles of other Big Fit Girls, and tips for how to live an athletic life, I hope to inspire you to stop feeling that success is only possible when you are thin, to embrace the body you are in, and to make your fitness goals a reality—to be seen more, to sweat more, and to conquer more.

HERE ARE SOME of the things you will find in this book:

1.Real women living their athletic dreams: Stories of women changing their lives, creating a limitless way of life, and achieving their athletic goals.

2.Body politics: A look at the fundamental social and psychological reasons why people struggle to make fitness a part of their daily lives. Knowledge is power; you’ll get that here!

3.Practical fitness advice: Practical fitness and body love tips geared toward the plus-size woman. It’s about time someone wrote something just for us Big Fit Girls.

4.Inspirational messages from leading plus-size women: Advice from plus-size Olympians, fitness professionals, TV personalities, bloggers, and fitness enthusiasts.

5.A cultural education: An examination of Western cultural ideals and how they affect the choice to be limitless or limited in our lives.

6.Fitness gear talk: An extensive list of the best fitness gear for plus-size athletes that includes advice on where to get it so that you can live your athletic dreams in comfort and with confidence.

7.Recipe for an active lifestyle, long term: Advice on how to stop jumping on and off the wagon and make fitness a lifestyle for good.

8.Nutrition talk, not diet talk: A discussion on how to nurture your body for your best athletic performance without measuring, counting points, or restricting what you eat—just healthy food in abundance. Food is not the enemy!

9.How to find the right fitness professional: An introduction to the art of finding the right people to help you stay fit for the long term.

10.A 5K training plan for plus-size athletes: A practical and doable plan for your busy life. After training thousands of plus-size women, I know what works and what doesn’t. The 5K distance is a great place to start. The plan is easy to follow, you can either walk or learn to run the distance, it’s free, and training can be done at any time of the day. The accomplishment is extremely measurable and will give you the inspiration and confidence to continue in your fitness journey.

11.A fitness glossary: The language, terminology, and nonverbal cues that come with many fitness environments can often leave you feeling like a fish out of water. I’ve outlined all you need to know so that you never have to feel lost as you work to achieve your athletic goals.

I ALSO SHARE my personal experiences, from my darkest hours to my greatest victories. My growing list of achievements kept pushing me forward to build the athletic lifestyle I had dreamed of for years. I hope that this book will help you to do the same.