Читать книгу The Complete Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-10 - Louise Rennison - Страница 15

Monday March 1st

10:30 a.m.

Still not speaking to Jas, but things have gone horribly wrong in that she is not speaking to me either. I don’t know how this has happened as I was supposed to be in charge. It’s bloody difficult coming to school because if she gets ahead of me I have to walk really, really slowly behind her because my legs are longer.

Wednesday March 3rd

9:00 a.m.

Today is the day that Jas is to meet Robbie after school for a “coffee”. I wonder if Lindsay knows about this? I wonder if I have a duty to tell her?

3:00 p.m.

I can’t help myself – I have been trailing Jas around all day. I notice she has her very short skirt on and she’s done her hair. Perhaps I could leap on her as she comes out of the loo and duff her up, or I could pay Jackie and Alison to do it.

3:15 p.m.

Rosie, Ellen and Jools are not taking sides in this, which I hate... how dare they be so fair-minded? Rosie said, “He’s only asked her for a coffee to talk... you don’t know what about,” and Jools said, “It’s a free world, you know, you can’t make people do anything.”

How dim and thick can you be? I’d stop speaking to them but then I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to at all.

4:05 p.m.

He’s there in his mini!! Where is Lindsay? Perhaps there will be a fight at the gates. There was a fight once before but that was Mr Attwood and an ice-cream man. Elvis had gone to see him off. He went up to the van and said, “Clear off!” and the ice-cream man said, “Make me, short arse.”

Elvis took off his glasses and his cap and said, “Come out of that van and I will.”

So the ice-cream man did come out of his van and he was about twenty-five foot tall and Elvis said, “Right, well, I’ve told you. That’s my final word... As soon as you have sold as many ice creams as you want, you must leave the school boundaries.”

4:08 p.m.

No sign of Lindsay. I said to Rosie and Jools and Ellen, “Where is Lindsay?”

And Rosie said, “She’s playing badminton.” For heaven’s sake, she is so wet – some snivelling, scheming snot takes her fiancée/boyfriend and all she can do is run around in sports knickers, hitting a ping-pong ball with some feathers stuck in it.

4:10 p.m.

Jas came out in boots. Suede boots, knee-length, with heels!! She’ll get offered money if she hangs around in the streets looking like that.

4:12 p.m.

She has reached the gates. Robbie has opened the door of his mini and gone round the other side and driven off.

Home

4:38 p.m.

I’m going mad. What are they doing now?

5:00 p.m.

Ring Rosie. “Have you heard anything?”

Rosie: “No.”

I said, “Well, call me if you do.”

5:20 p.m.

I’ve called everyone and nobody has heard anything yet. It’s like being in one of those crap plays we have to study. I’ll be left lonely and looking out to sea at the end... possibly with a beard.

5:30 p.m.

I’ve just found I’ve got hairs growing out of my armpits. How did they get there? They weren’t there yesterday.

5:40 p.m.

I’ve got some on my legs as well. I’d better distract myself by getting rid of them with Mum’s razor.

6:00 p.m.

Oh God! Oh God! I’m haemorrhaging. My legs are running with blood – I had to staunch the flow with Mum’s dressing-gown. She’ll kill me if she finds out. I’d better wash it.

6:10 p.m.

Put it in the washing machine with some other stuff before she gets home.

6:30 p.m.

Phone rings. It’s only Mum. She and Libby are round at Uncle Eddie’s and won’t be home until later and I’ve got to get my own tea. Quelle surprise!

Go to the fridge.

6:32 p.m.

I wonder what I’ll have? Hmmm... oh, I know, I’ll have this mouldy old tin of beans that is the only thing in there...

7:00 p.m.

Phone rings.

I fell over the cord getting to it, legs started bleeding again. It was Rosie. “Jas just phoned.”

I almost screamed at her. “And???”

“Well, they had coffee, she says he really is fantastic-looking and also very funny.”

“And?”

“Well, he wanted to talk to her about Tom.”

I started laughing. “Hahahahahha... and she wore her boots. Hahaha.”

Rosie went on, “Yes, he wanted to know if she still likes Tom because he still likes her.”

I put the phone down. Tom. Who cares? Hahahaha. Life is fabby fab fab fabbity fab fab.

7:30 p.m.

La lalalalalalalala. Fabbity fab fab.

7:40 p.m.

Yum yum, beans. Lovely lovely beans.

10:00 p.m.

Oh dear, slight problem. Mum’s dressing gown has shrunk to the size of a doll’s dressing gown. It might fit Libby, I suppose.

Hmmm.

Still. Fabbity fab fab. I’ll think about it tomorrow. For now I must just dance about a bit to a loud tune.

11:00 p.m.

Heard Mum come in but I pretended I was asleep. I’ve hidden the dressing gown at the bottom of my wardrobe.

Thursday March 4th

8:30 a.m.

Jas was waiting for me at her gate. I saw her and started walking really slowly and pretending to be looking through my bag for something. Then I acted like I’d forgotten something and had to go home for it. I walked back and waited behind a hedge for about four minutes and then walked back again. Hurrah, she was gone, my plan worked. But just as I passed her gate she popped up from behind her hedge. She walked alongside me and didn’t say anything and neither did I. It’s funny being silent – you have to be careful to not make any noise. You can’t belch or anything or even clear your throat in case the other person thinks you are going to speak first. When we got to school she handed me a letter. I wouldn’t take it at first but I quite wanted to read it so I did eventually put it in my bag.

1:00 p.m.

First opportunity I’ve had to read the letter because I didn’t want Jas to know that I was keen to read any stupid thing she had to say.

The letter said,

Dear Georgie,

I am sorry that a boy has come between us, it will never happen again. I was stupid and didn’t think of your feelings even though you are my best friend. If there is anything I can do to be your friend again, I will do it.

Jas

PS He isn’t engaged to Lindsay.

1:15 p.m.

So Jas thinks she can just forget the whole sorry affair – drop it just like that. Well, it will take more than a note to make me change my mind about her.

1:20 p.m.

Jas found me by the vending machine and she was a bit nervous. Let her suffer.

1:21 p.m.

Jas went “Er...” and I said, “What do you mean he’s not engaged to Lindsay?”

In my room

5:00 p.m.

Jas is helping me to stretch Mum’s dressing gown. As a punishment for her appalling behaviour she has promised that she will say it was her who put it in the washing-machine. My mum won’t get cross with Jas.

5:15 p.m.

The dressing gown is exactly the same doll size except that now it has very long arms like an orang-utan.

5:25 p.m.

Apparently Robbie was very surprised that he was supposed to be engaged. When he asked Jas why she thought that, she had to pretend that someone had told her.

5:30 p.m.

Jas is plucking my eyebrows. She said, “So what do you think I should do about Tom? Robbie says he still likes me, and that the girl at the dance was his cousin.”

I said, “Oh, does that mean he can’t get a girlfriend, then?”

Jas said (mid-pluck), “Georgie, don’t start again. Do you think I should give him another chance?”

I thought, What am I, an agony aunt? But I said, “Well, maybe, but I’d play a bit hard to get. Don’t kiss him on your first date... well, unless he really wants to.”

Midnight

Got away surprisingly easily with the “It was Jas – I’m innocent!” plan re the dressing gown. Mum seems even more mad than ever. And how long can it take to decorate one room? Jem is taking for ever. I’m not really surprised – he spends most of his time sitting around giggling with Mum. Libby called him “Dad” the other day.

Ho hum.

1:00 a.m.

Looking up at the sky from my bed I can hear an owl hooting and all is well with the world. Robbie is not engaged!!! Thank you, Baby Jesus.

Tuesday March 16th

3:00 p.m.

Miss Stamp says I show “promise” at tennis. It is very nice slamming the ball across the court past people. Or not past them, in Rosie’s case, when it hit her in the face this afternoon. Her glasses went all sideways like Eric Morecambe which I thought was very funny. I couldn’t serve for ages because of laughing so much.

10:45 p.m.

Woke up from a dream of winning Wimbledon. I think I may be becoming sexually active, as the dream only really got interesting in the dressing room. First there was the usual stuff – you know, the final ace, the crowd going mad, going up for my trophy. Princess Margaret handing it over and saying, “Absolutely first class, most thrilling. It made me wish I still played.”

Me saying, “Hahaha, I find it hard to believe you’ve ever played anything, Ma’am – except gin rummy.” Then a quick wave and into the dressing room.

Once in the privacy of the changing room I began to get undressed for a well-deserved shower. When I had got down to my (well-filled D-cup) bra and knickers I was startled to find someone had come in the room. It was Leo DiCaprio. He said, “I’m sorry, did I startle you?” Then he started covering my quivering (but extremely fit and tanned) body with kisses. Just then someone else came in. I pulled away from Leo but Leo said, “It’s OK, it’s only Brad,” and Brad Pitt came and joined us.

Monday March 22nd

2:00 p.m.

It’s almost embarrassing how friendly Jas is being. A few days without my hilarious and witty conversation has reminded her of how much she likes me. In a roundabout way I suggested this to her on the way to school.

“Jas, I suppose a few days without my hilarious and witty conversation has reminded you of how much you like me.”

She said, “Hahahaha...” but then saw my face and said, “Oh yes, how true. That will be it.”

Wednesday March 31st

Assembly

9:08 a.m.

I nearly passed out with laughing this morning. As we were praying Rosie whispered, “Have a look at Jackie’s nose, pass it on...” so the word passed right along the line. I couldn’t see anything at first because Jackie had her head down and her hair was hanging over her face.

Then, as people were shuffling around to start the hymn, I went, “Jackie! Pssstt!” She looked up and round at me. The end of her nose was completely black!!! She looked like a panda in a wig. I almost wet myself it was so funny. Our whole line was shaking.

Jackie looked daggers at us but that only made it worse. There’s nothing funnier than a really cross panda!! We staggered into the loos and were bent over the sinks, crying with laughter. At last, when I could speak, I said, “What... what... happened?”

Ellen said, “You know that DJ she was raving about? Well, he got drunk with his mates, came to meet Jackie and thought it would be very funny to give her a lovebite on the end of her nose.”

Happy days.