Читать книгу The Complete Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-10 - Louise Rennison - Страница 385

In my room, daydreaming about my wedding. Can you wear black as a bride? Dad came up and suggested we have a family “chat”. I know what that means, it means they tell me what they are going to do and expect me to go along with it, and if I don’t they call me a spoiled teenager and send me to my room.

But I don’t care any more. I said to Dad politely, “Look, why don’t we just skip the boring middle bit where I have to come all the way downstairs and you tell me what to do and I say no I don’t want to and then you send me straight to my room. Why don’t I just stay in my room?”

He said, “I don’t know what you are talking about. Come into the front room. And what’s wrong with your eyes? They look all bunged up, have you got a cold?”

“It’s Vaseline, it makes your eyelashes longer.”

He said, “Can’t you stop messing about with yourself?”

As I went downstairs I was thinking he should try messing about with himself a bit more. He never had what you might call good dress sense but it’s so much worse since he’s been in Kiwi-a-gogo land. Today he’s wearing tartan slacks which is a crime against humanity in anyone’s language. Also he has clipped his beard so that it is just on the end of his chin. No side bits and no moustache, just a beard thing…on the end of his chin. When we went in the room Mum kissed him on the cheek and stroked his beard…How disgusting.

Anyway, I don’t care because I am going out with a Sex God and life is fab. I said, “OK, I am sitting comfortably. Rave on, El Beardo.”

El Beardo said, “Great news!!! I’ve been offered a cottage in Scotland, I thought we would all go there for a week together as a family. Spend some quality time there together. Mum and Libbs, Grandad, Uncle Eddie, we could even ask Cousin James if you’d like a bit of company your own age. What do you think?”

Sacré bloody bleu. Merde and poo!!! Is what I think.

Fortunately the doorbell rang and Mrs Huge Knickers and me scampered up to my room. My room, which as usual, was full. Libby was in my bed with scuba-diving Barbie, Charlie Horse, Angus and Naomi.

I said, “Go play downstairs with Daddy, Libbs.”

But she just stood up on my bed and started dancing, singing, “Winnie Bag Pool, Winnie Bag Pool.” She got to the bit where she takes off her panties, but I noticed they were suspiciously bulky, so I said, “Stop it, Libbs.”

And she said, “Me let my legs grow.”

“No, leave them on.”

Too late. I thought Jas was going to faint. She doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to have a little sister. Me and Jas went off to the utility room for a bit of privacy. I was dying to tell her all about my snogging extravaganza, but she went raving on about Tom: “We went to the country.”

Oh good Lord. Still I thought I’d better pretend to be interested otherwise I would never get to talk about myself. I said, “What for?”

“You know, to be on our own in nature.”

“Why didn’t you just go and sit in your room with some houseplants instead of tramping all the way to the country? You only snog there, anyway.”

“No we don’t.”

“Oh yeah? What else do you do?”

“We looked at things.”

“What things?”

“Flora and fauna and so on. Stuff we do in blodge. It was really interesting. Tom knows a lot of things. We found cuckoo spit and followed a badger trail.”

I clapped my hands together and started skipping round the room. “Cuckoo spit!!! No!!! If only I could have come with you! Sadly there was a Sex God I had to snog.”

Jas got all huffy and pink. It’s hilarious when Jas gets miffed, and a reason in itself to make her irritated. She goes all red and pink apart from the tip of her nose which is white. Very funny, like a sort of pink panda in a short skirt and huge knickers.

She was all sulky, but then I put my arm round her. She said, “You can stop that.”

I said, “I feel a bit sad though, because I’m so lucky and I can’t help thinking about Dave the Laugh. He was a really nice bloke, and you know…er…a good laugh. It’s sad that I have broken his heart.”

Jas was poking around in Dad’s fishing bag, which is not a good idea as he sometimes leaves maggots in there which turn into bluebottles. She said, “Oh, I meant to tell you. He’s going out with Ellen. Tom and I are meeting them later at the pictures.”