Читать книгу Here's Proof Only We Conservatives Have Our Heads Screwed On Straight!!! - Lowell M.D. Green - Страница 10

My grandfather, whom I believe did not know how to lie, told a story about crows which fascinates me to this day.

Curious about what he describes as “a huge racket” coming from a field at the rear of his farm one day he watched, through his binoculars, a strange ritual he always insisted was some kind of “crow court.”

“There was a big circle of crows on the ground; probably a hundred or so of them making a terrific noise,” he says. “All of them bobbing up and down very agitated and cawing like crazy. In the middle of the circle is this one crow, quiet, hardly moving. Suddenly, as though at some sort of signal, the whole circle pounces on the single crow and tears it apart. “It was really eerie,” says my grandfather, “because when the attacking birds flew away they were absolutely silent. Not a sound came from them as they disappeared into the bush. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

I have no idea if my grandfather was correct, but his theory was that the crow in the middle had done something that had endangered other crows, or perhaps resulted in the death of another crow. “One thing you’ve got to know about crows,” he claimed, “is that when a whole group of them is feeding they always have a sentinel placed atop a high tree. At the first sign of danger the lookout alerts the whole crew and off they fly.” His theory was that the crow was sentenced to death because it had failed in its duty to warn others of danger.

Are crows capable of this kind of group intelligence? I’ve had pet crows and can assure you they are among the smartest creatures God ever put on this earth. Certainly smart enough to stay far away from any place with lurking danger.

Which brings me to the situation we have in Ottawa where so many crows are assembling each night in the trees near the General Hospital that not only have they become a noisy, filthy nuisance they are now placing lives at risk.

Residents in the area complain they can’t sleep at night with all the squawking and cawing; their lawns are a disgusting mess from the droppings. Even worse, crow numbers have now reached a point where they pose a threat to medivac helicopters that land in a nearby field when they fly in accident victims from throughout Eastern Ontario and Western Quebec.

“If something isn’t done to get rid of the crows,” say the pilots, “one of these days they’re going to get caught in our rotors and we’re going to have a disaster on our hands.”

About now I can hear you saying, yes I can see it’s a problem, but what have crows got to do with only conservatives having their heads screwed on straight?

Glad you asked, because this situation is as graphic an illustration of heads turned in the wrong direction as you will ever see.

Because in typical left wing fashion, a special city council committee has been struck to examine possible solutions. This has been getting worse now for several years so you can be sure we’ve spent many thousands of tax dollars studying the problem.

At one point, believe it or not, some giant brain came up with the idea of tying a live owl to a stake in the ground. They tied a string around one of the owl’s legs; the other end to a stake driven into the ground, and sat back to watch what would happen. The theory was the owl would frighten off the crows.

Are you kidding? What happened was that the crows began dive-bombing the owl in huge flotillas. Wave after wave of crows would circle high overhead, give a powerful screech and plummet down to within a few feet of the poor cowering owl.

This prompted another marvelous brain wave. “When the crows dive for the owl,” suggested one of the geniuses we employ at City Hall, “let’s fire off some rockets or something to make loud booming noises. For sure that will frighten off the crows.”

So just to add to the excitement, for a couple days, the neighbourhood sounded like the outbreak of another revolution in the Middle East. I told you crows are mighty smart, so it only took them the better part of one day to discover that the noise was actually kind of fun, a reward if you like, for their dive-bombing efforts. All noise and no pain! Really cool!

In all probability, similar attempts to get the crows to move on are still underway with the same results. Which is to say, each night more and more crows assemble in those trees. Some claim the cawing is sounding more and more like laughter. The cost, just like the droppings, continues to pile up.

In a letter to the Ottawa Citizen, Douglas Heyland, Executive Director, Science Institute of the Northwest Territories (ret.) claims that finding a long-term solution to the problem will be very difficult.

All of this a very graphic illustration of highly educated heads just not screwed on straight because, in fact, getting rid of the crows is amazingly simple.

Here’s what any common-sense-blessed conservative would do.

Fire both barrels of a 12-gauge shotgun up into one of the trees one night. Bring a dozen or so crows tumbling down and you can be certain you will never see any of them again anywhere near that location. Crows are far too smart to return to any place where real danger exists.

Problem solved! One night. One guy. One shotgun. Two 12-gauge shells and it’s all over but the final cleanup. My listeners, I am certain, would be only too happy to chip in for the cost of the shells!

In fact, I know several conservatives who would be glad to do the job at no cost to the taxpayer whatsoever. Heck, someone loan me a shotgun and I’ll do the job myself. And yes, I promise to use only a gun fully licensed and approved by that other great Liberal problem solver—the Long Gun Registry!