Читать книгу Estate Planning Through Family Meetings - Lynne Butler - Страница 6

Mental capacity is the ability to make reasonable decisions. What is considered “reasonable” can be open to interpretation, but most people would consider a decision reasonable if it takes into account all relevant factors known to the decision maker, and takes into account the possible consequences of the decision.

For example, most of us would consider giving a cash donation to a charity a reasonable decision, but not if the donation was so large that it left the giver no money to pay for rent or food. A person who did not realize that giving his or her money away would cause financial hardship for himself or herself would probably lack mental capacity, particularly if this inability to manage money was a long-term pattern.

A decision is not considered reasonable if it is forced on a person by way of verbal threat or physical intimidation. It is not reasonable if it needlessly harms the person or his or her family members who are dependent on him or her.

A decision does not have to be popular to be reasonable, which is an important point when it comes to mental capacity. Every one of us has at some time made a financial decision that made someone around us unhappy, such as overspending on a gift, or buying something frivolous. That is simply human nature to make the occasional poorly thought out, impulsive decision, particularly among younger people.

However, it is not uncommon for the adult children of an aging person to be unhappy with the decisions being made by their parent, particularly financial decisions. Sometimes this leads the children to attempt to use the legal system to control or stop the parent’s financial independence. This is where it becomes necessary to tell the difference between, on one hand, a parent who cannot make good financial choices and, on the other hand, a parent who can make good financial choices but whose choices are somewhat unusual.

For example, a person who continually buys cans of dog food that are simply stored by the case in the basement because he or she does not remember that he or she does not have a dog is not making good financial choices. On the other hand, a person who takes skydiving lessons four times a week might seem odd to you but is, on the face of it, making a good choice of how to spend his or her money.

The fact that your parent makes a decision that you do not like or agree with does not mean that your parent has lost mental capacity. It is his or her money after all. Your aging parent is free to make as many unpopular decisions as he or she wishes, as long as those decisions are not the result of poor memory, confusion, or pressure by another person.

You might notice that your mom or dad is beginning to forget things and fails to recognize people. He or she can no longer take care of familiar tasks such as cooking, driving, or gardening that he or she used to be able to do easily. The person cannot keep track of money and does not know which bills have been paid and which have not. You are pretty sure your parent is not taking his or her prescribed medications properly. You may have no choice but to conclude that your parent is beginning to lose mental capacity. You think it is time for your parent to let someone else help him or her.

Noticing that there is a possible problem with mental capacity is the easy part, and just the beginning of what might be a long, emotionally draining experience. Telling your mother or father that you think he or she is losing mental capacity and needs help is possibly the hardest conversation you will ever have. Most (but not all) parents will fight to retain independence and privacy. If you have seen the beginning of this deterioration in your parent, it can be almost impossible to raise the topic without insulting, frightening, or upsetting the person. Once the deterioration has gone past the initial stages, talking about it becomes infinitely more upsetting for everyone involved.

Alzheimer’s disease, other dementias, illnesses, and physical deterioration may all contribute to the eventual lessening of an individual’s ability to look after his or her own decisions. The pace at which changes occur is different in every individual. Sometimes this means that there is a span of several months, or even years, during which an individual is not capable of making good decisions alone and needs help from others.

As the family member of someone who is losing capacity, your goal is to assess the problem and offer the assistance that is wanted and needed. You may discover that although help is needed, it is not always wanted by your parent. It can be really difficult to persuade your parent to let you help or to allow you to find others to help. Because there is so much at stake in the parent’s view — such as independence, identity, freedom, dignity, and privacy — the discussion can become very emotional.

Just as we should all plan for our eventual passing away by preparing a will that sets out our wishes, we should all plan for the possibility that we might lose our mental faculties as we age. We need to prepare legal documents that name individuals to make decisions for us if we cannot do that for ourselves any longer.

All aging individuals should have these planning documents in place but it is a very delicate topic. Most people realize that as they lose their mental abilities, they might also be losing their independence, dignity, and privacy. This idea is disturbing and alarming to most elderly people. Nobody wants to believe it is happening to them, and when it is happening, it is disorienting and frightening. Because we do not want to upset anyone, we do not bring up the topic, leaving our elderly family members without the help they need.