Читать книгу Estate Planning Through Family Meetings - Lynne Butler - Страница 9

An issue that a number of people wrestle with is whether they should be giving their parents any planning advice or asking them about personal documents. Are they sticking their noses into private matters if they decide to speak up? Are they the best person to bring up the subject with the parents? If so, where do suggestion and encouragement end and where do interference and influence begin? If not them, who else is going to bring it up and see that essential documents are done? Nobody wants to be accused by siblings or other family members of trying to force a parent’s hand.

What if there is a family business and nobody has been named as the person who will take over if your parent becomes ill or mentally incapable of running the business? What if your parents own a cottage that is used by all family members and it is not clear who should be able to continue using it after your parents’ death and who should pay for its upkeep? What if you have a sibling who is handicapped and your parents have not made any special financial arrangements for that person? You may see that all of these topics need to be addressed but you may have no way of knowing whether adequate planning has been completed unless you ask your parents.

You may feel some responsibility toward your siblings to make sure that things are in order, not to mention toward your parents whose retirement and golden years may be directly affected by lack of planning. You may also feel that your parents’ legal affairs will affect yours in the future if your parents do not put their affairs in order. If you, a child of the individuals directly involved, do not have the status as someone who is allowed to bring up a constructive discussion with your parents about their estates, then who does? If you do not bring it up, who will?

One of the factors that causes individuals to hesitate to bring up estate planning or incapacity planning is that they find it hard to accept that they now have to look after the person or people who always used to look after them. Sometimes it takes a very long time for this idea to dawn on a person who really does not want to reverse roles and become the caretaker.

We are not used to parenting our parents, but sometimes that is exactly what is required. You should do everything you can to ensure that your discomfort or disorientation with this issue does not prevent you from raising a topic that you think is important. You may be a “child” in the sense that you are the offspring of a certain person and therefore his or her child, but you are an adult.

Your parents might already have seen you change from a single person to a married person, or from a child to a parent of your own children. They have seen you mature from a schoolboy or schoolgirl into a person with a job and responsibilities. They might have seen all of these stages and they realize that the impulse to protect and help them is simply part of that maturation process you have been going through. As an adult, you are expected to recognize when someone close to you begins to struggle with the tasks and challenges of everyday life and to shoulder the responsibility of helping if you can.

Sometimes talking about the role reversal with your siblings, spouse, friends, or even a counselor can help you get used to the idea that you might have to take over your parents’ financial or health decision-making. You will also find information about “parenting your parents” on several websites and in magazines aimed at individuals who are caretakers for their parents.

If you are willing to bring up a difficult subject with a protective attitude and willingness to listen to others, and if you are willing to prepare in advance to ensure a good outcome, then you are the right person to bring up the topic.